I'm just curious--How's your body? Are you still maintaining a young and healthy physique? Often, husbands gain weight right along with the wives. I know my hubbie is not the 175 pounds man I married. 13 years later---he's up to 225 at 6'2"---not a major chub by any means, but not as toned and tight as he once was.

Good luck, but weight loss is something that she will need to do for herself and not you. I decided to lose weight b/c I want to be here a long time for my two kids .

Truth be told...she has to want it. You could stand on your head and turn blue for all she cares. If she doesn't want to change then nothing you say or do will help her.
Both my husband and I were (sort of still are) overweight. We tried losing weight together many times by going on the same diet or exercising together. Eventually we failed or we just got bored. Some times I was all excited about losing weight and by the next day it was all over because I didn't see the quick results I thought I would see.
It wasn't till one day I saw a picture of myself that shocked the heck out of me. Now I'm not saying this so you can bust out photo albums of her. LOL! I had seen many photos of myself and yes they depressed me and gave me a split second desire to want to change but it never lasted. I can't say what made this time any different but I made up my mind that I was going to change. I also told myself practically every minute that I wouldn't see over night success that this journey would take time.
After 2 weeks my husband got on board so we were both on the same track. I did tell him that if he was to give up I would continue going on. We both lost weight and were close to our goals. He's closer now but I just had a baby. LOL
You haven't told us how your eating or what your weight is. But I would encourage you to start cooking more healthier meals so you both are leading more healthy lives. Who knows maybe by feeling healthy she'll decide to take it to the next level and lose weight or add exercise which will help the progress.
It never feels good to be told you have bad eating habits when the one telling you this is eating a double cheeseburger. Ehm...something my husband used to do....I'm sorry this only makes matters worse.

Mine too. Went from 180 to 225 at 5'10. Since 180 though, he has been such a wonderful partner and then father. I don't seem him any different and can't possibly imagine what he might have looked like at 180. However, he still has most of his confidence. This woman sounds very miserable and ashamed of her body. Perhaps she knows that her husband wants back the woman he married but she doesn't want to go to that/doesn't know how, and she becomes more and more miserable as the days go on.

I pretty much agree with Jay. Your wife KNOWS she's not the 'special sort of girl' who can pull off the Hooter's outfit anymore, and so I would probably be willing to bet the equity in my house that every single day of her life (if not every minute), she is acutely aware that she has become a disappointment to you. And just reading your post, it is obvious that she is correct in thinking that.

All I can say is that one of biggest obstacles to weight loss is that defeated feeling that you are a worthless piece of crap now that you are fat. I think the best you can do, until she personally decides how she wants to look and feel, is to absolutely cherish her, your wife and the mother of your child. Make sure she understands FULLY that you are in this marriage for the long haul, for better or for worse, whether she weighs 100lbs or 200 or 400, whether she gets paralyzed from the waist down and has to live in a wheelchair, WHATEVER happens, she is your wife, you love her, and you will grow old together. If she truly believes all of this, she might be able to look at herself honestly at some point and decide she wants to change.

On the other hand, if you really don't feel that way, then it's probably best she knows now. I'm not at all sure about this, but I wouldn't be surprised if in the very deep recesses of her subconscious mind, some of this isn't a test to see if you will still love her if she's no longer Hooter's material. I know if I felt my husband's love was extremely connected to my size, it would really make me wonder how big I'd have to get before he'd leave, and how much I'd have to lose to keep him around. Honestly, if I had to feel that way, I'd be gone.

Just my thoughts.

I couldn't agree more with your post. Also, I want to point out (like some of the other ladies have) that my husband still looks at me with that special look that only I get, and tells me that I'm beautiful on a daily basis. Sure, I'm fat, but to him, I'm also beautiful. That's how you need to make her feel. Her self confidence is suffering. She doesn't need you to be a personal trainer or a diet coach or whatever, she needs you to be a loving husband that understands her, and that offers to help around the house, and romanticize her.

Maybe you do care about her well being, but she is probably getting negative vibes from you as you watch her eat something unhealthy or scrutinize her appearance. This is only adding to her misery. Think only kind thoughts toward her. I mean, how do you think your wife would feel if she came on this site and looked at what you wrote about her?

Oh, and btw, I would LOVE to be down to 160. I haven't been that small since middle school

There isn't anything you can do to make her want to lose the weight. BUT if you keep bringing it up and are always watching what she is putting in her mouth and making subtle comments about it, I can almost guarantee you that she knows what you're thinking and that it will make her dig in her heels more.

I had a boyfriend who very sensitively brought up the fact that I was gaining (believe me, I knew already!) and I ended up breaking up with him because I didn't want to face facts and EVERY time after that whenever he looked at me, I felt like he was judging me and disgusted with me. The sex was extremely rare and very boring after that. I felt unsexy thinking about how much he must hate my body and that started spilling over into the rest of our lives together.

I realize now that he loved me very much and just wanted me to take care of myself. But that is a decision that the individual has to make for themselves. I have never really tried to lose weight with a full out commitment until June of this year. And how that even happened is a mystery to me!

I was talking to a friend about maybe trying Nutrisystem and she told me about a book she was reading and that we should do it together and all of the sudden, I was ready to lose weight and nothing would stop me.

I feel for you and I know that you love her. I wish I had the answer or at least knew what triggered the desire and commitment to lose weight in me, but I don't know. I think after 20 years of being overweight and then obese, I was just ready to get back to being healthy and thin again. Maybe someday it will happen for her to, but it won't have anything to do with you (except that you may delay it if you push her).

Sotty it got so long, but really hit home for me.

For women weight is a sensitive subject to just talk about. Men are different they don't care to tell someone how much they weigh because it's not that big of a deal to them. I put on a lot of weight with my daughter so I am not the curvy teenager no more I am big mom. I knew this and I hated it but I never did anything about it until my hubby finally said "I am not being mean but, I don't want anything to happen to you. You need to try to get some of that weight off of you." That was on a night when my chest was killing me and I was crying because I knew my weight was the cause. This was my turnaround. I haven't lost enough to have a success story but I am giving it my all. Just stand by your wife and support her she will make the decision to lose the weight you can't do that for her.

I'm so thankful my husband told me how beautiful I was with every pound I gained because he knew darn well how much I hated myself. Now that I'm losing he's having issues, actually. We women gain CONFIDENCE when we lose weight.

The only way you can go about asking another person to lose weight is from the health angle and even then it has to be LEGITIMATE. My husband looks great and he knows I think so! But I nag him to lose weight because he has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high blood sugar. He must lose weight for his health.

My husband losses weight because I cook for him. Do you cook for your wife? Might be nice. ;)

I have not read through all the posts on here because I am absolutely seething! I HAD a husband like you who continually went on and ON and ON!! about my weight, made me fell like a right looser! For goodness sake stop saying it's for HER good and you are only thinking about HER!! NO YOU ARE NOT!!! You want to see her the way she was and she knows it, and she's never going to be the young innocent "virgin" that you once knew. Get over it! Get agood book to read, haha! As I read thro' your ramblings I couldn't help feeling I would really like to swat you good and proper. AND all the people that keep offering you their sympathy vote in my mind are very much misguided! Get your head out of your backside and treat your wife with the respect she deserves as a woman!:mad:

Based on my own experience, this is DEAD ON! Most especially the very last line!

Honestly, if I had to feel that way, I'd be gone.

Just my thoughts. Quote from Shannonmb

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Here! Here!

It's not just her weight that is affecting the marriage, it's her attitude. The 'DUTY' sex, the NO SEX for 14 months, her shame...

He cant just MYOB about this. HIS life has been affected!
How many men would just bail out of this situation?

He loves her, and he wants her back. I feel bad for him.

As a married man, he can/needs to get his needs met by his wife. Her weight has made her less affectionate, less sexual, and less fun.

He's sending up a distress flare that some women never get. Some men have affairs and/or leave. He's asking for help.

I'd bet if she were still sexual and fun, he'd not be here asking for help.
I've always had a rich sex life with my H, even at my heaviest. I have big friends with rich sex lives. His wife has shut down, this is not just about her weight.

Rich, might try checking out a forum called Marriage Builders. They can discuss your feelings with you, and how you might approach this with your wife. This situation has been covered there MANY times.

Good luck!

Um...without sharing more than I'm willing to share...men have their issues too and women often stick by them. Just saying. That's NO excuse for treating a woman with a lack of respect or requiring of her that she return to her former pre-children self. :no:

I dont think he's requiring or even wanting her to be pre-child weight...

Like I said, if she were HAPPY he'd probably not be posting here at all.

I didn't see much lack of respect. Seems he's scared to death to even mention it to her.

Yeah, I agree with this. Now, don't get me wrong, I see where some of the other ladies are coming from. Your wife knows what has been going on, and I am betting that she is not facing it because she's ashamed! And trying to prod her into weight loss or telling her to do something is not the answer, nor will it work! And yes, the number one thing to do is to be supportive of her all the time. I understand that right now you're dissapointed, not necessarily in her but in the situation that you guys are in now, but she needs you to stop being disspointed in her. She doesn't need added guilt right now.

However, I see what you're saying, and I don't think it's fair to you to say that you should just shut up and go along with it. It's your life too, and her unhappiness is rapidly turning into everyone's unhappiness. And I am sorry, but that is SELFISH of the WIFE. I don't care what anyone says here, if one partner is putting their own choices ahead of their partner's happiness (so long as that 'happiness' isn't out of the question) that is UNFAIR and WRONG. And I'm not going to tell you to just shut up and mind your own business, because that is also UNFAIR to you. What I am gathering is that you don't necessarily want her to lose the weight because you want her to be hott again, but because she has lost her luster for life! I feel you on this, I really do, and I understand where this is coming from.

That said, I think you need to also realize that you have some sway in this. I don't mean that you should just tell her to lose weight, but what kind of relationship do you guys have? Maybe you need to put in more effort on this one. You know that you can't lose the weight for her, but you can help to be a catalyst for positive changes. Maybe you need to take some time with jsut her, have a romantic night with her and very sincerely tell her how you feel about the current situation (but DO NOT bring up weight). Tell her you feel that you've both fallen into a rut and you want to change that. Or tell her that you want to reignite a spark, or something like that. You can't lose the weight for her, but you can help her remember that life is beautiful and that it's worth living, and that you actually want to live it to the fullest with her! Do things with her to try and break her out of her rut. When she's feeling better about herself and life, you will start to really see positive changes. And for f*** sake, when you can sense she's feeling a little bit low, grab her sexy booty and tell her she's beautiful! It goes a really long way to tell a woman how sexy she is at a low point. Stop being dissapointed, and start living again! As Obama says (I think it's him...): "Be the change you want to see in the world!"

Good luck Rich, I really hope things get better for you. You seem like a very good guy, why else would you have stayed with the woman you love for so long? I hope you figure everything out. God bless! :-)