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Old 06-18-2010, 05:07 PM   #1
I like ponies... and you?
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Default Weird Dream... and thoughts about boys... and me.

Ok... so... first off... my dream last night was really weird.

Like... I was in school. But it wasn't like any other school ANYONE has been to. For example, one of my classes was called something like "Star Trek through the Ages" or something. And that was my "science" class. And almost every other class had this roller coaster in it that was a part of the lesson. Math class was the most interesting class though. Not because it had a roller coaster (which it didn't), or because it was an interesting subject (it's math)... but because the lights went out and the boy sitting next to me kissed me.

I've been kissed ZERO times in real life... and maybe four times in dreams. This one was probably the most realistic. I honestly felt as though it happened. I felt on cloud nine. Now... I didn't know the guy... and if it happened in real life I would have been UBER creeped out... especially since he kept staring at me for the rest of my dream . But... something about it... I dunno.

I have never had a boyfriend. Never been asked out on a date by a guy (went on a walk with a friend of my brother's who had a crush on me... I was 12 at the time... and I was extremely creeped out by him... I mean... his XANGA page had the title of "I love my country and I love Kurt's sister" (my brother's name is Kurt)). I danced with a guy for the first time a few weeks ago... but it was completely my initiative (he asked first, but only after I had started dancing right next to him because I was DYING to ask him). It was fun... but extremely awkward because neither of us knew how to dance... and it was quite obvious that I wasn't the dance partner of HIS dreams.

I doubt it's my weight that's keeping guys away. I don't APPEAR that overweight. From all appearances I just look thick. Not flabby or overly curvacious. I kind of wish I was at times.

It's not quite my personality... maybe it's my inexperience? I spent almost two full years of my teenage life without interacting with any males my age, and only like... four or five females my age... and so I don't know how to act around any of them. I act normal... but my "normal" is very abnormal. I dunno... I am so used to spending all of my time around animals, little kids, and adults, that I really have no basis with hardly anyone my age. I just don't think the same way most of them do. Either I'm more mature or less mature... I don't know... and I don't care... but... I obviously don't fit it. Not that I necessarily want to.

I've been to school after school. I was in boarding school my 9th grade year. Did an online charter school at home for my 10th grade year. Went to a GIANT public school in a really rich kid neighborhood this year. And next year I'll be going to a 240 student school in the middle of nowhere (ok... not nowhere to me... but nowhere to most people I've talked to about it). And then I have college.

Yeah... I have variety... but not ever being able to establish myself somewhere has left me a little... well... disconnected. And maybe that's why no guy has ever paid attention to me (no guy except for a few creeps in cars (who I stick my tongue out at... ))... and... not that I want a whole slew of guys to fall at my feet and constantly ask me out on dates... I dunno... I'm just tired of the only males I "hang out" with to be dogs or horses.

I am far more confident now than I was at the beginning of this year. I am far more confident now than I was three years ago at boarding school. I am finding that I can look good if I actually try (and half of the time I'm too lazy to bother), and that I do like myself. I am so happy about my weight loss... and I feel empowered and strong.

But... I still feel... well... alone I guess. I'm the only one in my group of friends who has never been asked out (to anything) by a guy, never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, etc.

I don't NEED one... and I don't sit around wishing I had one. I don't go to the mall just so I can find a guy... I don't think my life is horrible because I don't have a guy... but... well... I want to be kissed.

I want to feel a guy's warm arms around me, holding me and keeping me safe. And have it not be my Dad or my brothers. I want to feel the need to look perfect for someone special, to have someone I can say I love. And have him be of the human species.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just finally hitting that teenager stage. I know it's happened with me and my mom. I avoid her as much as I can... everything I own/use/do has to either be completley different from her... or a thousand times better than her (for example, she has a 30 gig Zune... I bought myself an 80 gig... that died, so I got myself a 120 gig). I want to seperate myself from my parents. And I'm doing so with calorie counting currently... since my parents rely primarily upon low carb weight loss only.

Maybe it's the same way with the "guy" thing now... I dunno.

I just... I woke up from my dream... and found myself wanting to relive that moment... no matter how unrealistic and obviously fake it was... over and over again. And wanting to have it for real.

ETA: Maybe THIS is why I can't stand romantic comedies.

Last edited by Serbrider; 06-18-2010 at 05:24 PM.
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Old 06-20-2010, 02:38 AM   #2
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Eh...I hate romatic comedies too and I am married and happy. You know what? Don't freak out, cause this probably won't happen to you, but I never got kissed till I was like 33 years old. Yeah...pathetic, I know. But I married the guy who gave me my first kiss and and he makes me feel safe.
Its not my looks that drew him to me. It was my personality and he happens to think I am beautiful and sexy too.
I am short. When I gain weight, it shows! I look fat even when I am at a normal range.
Guys stayed away from me cause of my attitude. I kept my eyes down, and never talked to anyone. You had a guy dance with you and you sort of made the first move. Maybe take more chances. Guys love confidant women, no matter what their size is. If you walk around thinking your sexy and have something to offer, it will show.
As far as the teenage thing goes, I had the whole "get away from me" thing with my dad. Ugh...Just being in the same room with him pissed me off...lol
Dreams are nice, and sometimes better than reality. And never forsake the love of a dog over a guy. They love us no matter what!!
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Old 06-20-2010, 10:23 AM   #3
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Your post sounds exactly like my diary entries when I was about the same age as you. If I could talk to myself then I would tell myself everything I was feeling was completely normal!

Everything will happen in it's own time. It's really good that you are listening to how you feel about certain things and are not just following the crowd. I always kept myself pretty separate from people my own age too, and I still do. It means that you will get to learn a lot about who you are as an individual and you learn to be happy with your own company.

It's an exciting age because all the good stuff is still to come. Just make sure you continue to be guided my your own moral conscience and not by how you think you SHOULD feel and act.

I would also tell myself to try to make things as easy as possible on my parents. I remember vividly that feeling of wanting to separate myself from my them so that I could develop my own identity, and in the process I probably came off very "teenagery" I'm sure your parents will understand that you are going to need your own space more, so in the meantime try your best to continue being respectful and polite to them.

I was stubborn about meeting the right person - I didn't want to accept anything less than the perfect man for me and I was lucky to find him young. There's nothing wrong with being picky!
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