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Old 02-11-2010, 03:20 PM   #1  
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Default Parenting Advice PLEASE

I have a very amazingly bright 8-yr-old girl that is having an issue lately with telling fibs. I am not sure what my reaction or the consequences should be. As many of you already know, I don't exactly have a mom to go ask advice from so I thought I would throw the situation out there for you.

Last week I discovered she had been buying sweets every day at the school. She is only allowed to purchase lunch on Friday. The school contacted me because her budget had run out. She had purchased sweets on 31 days to be exact. She carries her lunch and it usually includes a whole sandwich, Chocolate milk, cheese stick and some strawberries or carrots or something. (She eats a very healthy and substantial breakfast before leaving home each morning and also has a snack while at school--usually dry cereal). Last night I caught her taking grapes from her plate and flushing them down the toilet. She even embellished it a bit by telling me how tasty the grapes were. Suspecting what had happened, I gave her more and once again she had to go to the bathroom. As she passed me I saw the grapes in her hand and she finally (after much argument) acknowledged what she had done.

So, she did ADMIT to it BUT only under duress. She got a major, MAJOR talking to about it. Now what? Thanks ladies.

Last edited by Thighs Be Gone; 02-11-2010 at 03:35 PM.
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Old 02-11-2010, 03:46 PM   #2  
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Hi Thighs - Add me to the motherless group! I am a mother, though. (OT -Have you read the Motherless Daughters books by Hope Edelman? They are amazing!! There is one for Motherless Mothers, too. If not, I highly reccommend them. I really learned a lot about myself and my life. Grab a box of tissues, though! She has a website that is her name dot com.)

Anyway, I have an 8yo daughter also. My $.02:

How much control does she have over her food choices? The foods you give her sound great to me, but if she doesn't have much choice in them, she may be rebelling against it even though she likes the food. Maybe she would enjoy going to the grocery store with you and picking out (with your guidance) her lunch items. It's a common tactic to increase buy-in -> give her ownership over the item and she'll inherently approve it.

Do you ever give her candy? I certainly agree with keeping it to a strict minimum, but sometimes its okay. How do you react to her when she asks for control over her food choices or to eat candy? Is it possible she's become dishonest because she's afraid to talk to you about it? It is very common for kids to create fears that parents have done nothing to create. They naturally blame themselves for everything even when the parent has done nothing to make that seem logical. Has she shown dishonesty on any other topic - or just this one?

I guess my advice is to explore the topic with her, listen and try to understand from her perspective. Sit down and discuss why she did it. She probably feels really guilty and sad about it. Let her know that when she's upset she can talk to you and that hiding things will only make things worse.

And relax, this isn't a harbinger of bad things to come! She will be just fine!
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Old 02-11-2010, 04:05 PM   #3  
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I think everything BeachBreeze said is great advice. It sounds like it's time for you and your daughter to negotiate her school food choices. You and she have some different priorities, but if you talk openly and non-judgmentally about those priorities, you should be able to come up with a solution that satisfies both of you. (We struggle with school food choices in my household, too. It's hard work.)

About lying in particular--I have a tendency to lie/hide myself, and my kids have all lied at various times. For the most part, I think lying begins out of fear of punishment and especially fear of condemnation. She wants your love and is afraid to lose it by not being perfect, or by not wanting exactly what you want. Reassure her that she's OK, and you're OK, and that you two will figure it out together.
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Old 02-11-2010, 04:07 PM   #4  
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Lying usually happens for one of a few reasons - one being that it is normal child development to experiment with telling untruths and see what happens. Most older kids, though, lie for other reasons - to avoid punishment or evade rules, or to bolster self esteem (ie embellishing accomplishments). Supernanny has an article here: http://www.supernanny.com/Advice/-/Y...ldren-lie.aspx

Is the lying behavior all food-related? If so, I'd like to sign my thoughts onto the post above (not a parent, but a child development major, so obviously take the people's advice with non-academic experience before mine!).

It may be that junk food is so "forbidden" to her that she feels the need to hide it. I have to admit that this is one of my biggest fears for when we have kids...that I'll have trouble finding the balance between a healthy daily diet and the treats that all kids do have access to. She may be feeling like the only way she'll get the sweets is if she hides it from you (maybe because you don't have them in the house, or because you've talked about healthy/unhealthy foods and from that she got the impression that those foods were "bad" rather than just "not everyday things"). It might be a good time to open up a dialog with her about healthier and less healthy choices, and that, while sweets may taste good and are OK sometimes, they're not "everyday" foods.
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Old 02-11-2010, 05:24 PM   #5  
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I think that you have two issues, food and lying. I agree with the others on giving her some choice about her food. I think that you are seeing some rebellion.

I would also address the lying as a separate matter and explain to her about trust. You said that she got a major talking to about it, so you may have covered this. I agree that lying begins out of fear of punishment and especially fear of condemnation but she needs to understand that it is important that you be able to trust her. You have to be careful to not over-react but also to not under-react. I hope that makes sense.

With my children, I explained that trust, responsibility, and privileges worked together and tried to give age appropriate illustrations. For example, ask her how she would feel if you told her that you were going grocery shopping but instead went to see Avatar. Then she found out that you lied to her when a friend told her about seeing you at the movie. How would she feel? Would she believe you the next time you said that you were going grocery shopping? Try to get her to understand that it is important for you to be able to believe her. It is hard for an 8 year old to understand the consequences for lying.

It sounds like both the food issue and lying may be new problems. Address the issues but don't dwell on them. This could just be a one time thing. If it continues to be a problem, you may have to take stronger measures.
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Old 02-12-2010, 08:21 AM   #6  
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I'm not a mother but I am a teacher so I hope this advice works for you. Lying about food is a big fear for me when I have kids. I always lied about food, hid and hoarded food, and spent my allowance on it secretely. I would want to avoid a situation like that with my child.

I would sit down and talk to her about throwing away the grapes in a non-confrontational or angry way. Something like "honey, don't you like grapes? Is that why you're throwing them away?" Then get her to speak to you about what she does like or doesn't like and come up with a compromise on how she can eat a little of what she likes and a little of what's good for her. I think that by acknowledging to her that she's doing it because she doesn't like it will re-assure her that you do care about what she likes.

Let's face it, kids aren't always going to like broccoli or healthful foods. It helped me a lot when my mother would point out the benefits of those foods. Like you could say that grapes make your tummy feel better, or that blueberries make your hair really shiny, or that apples make your teeth really strong so you don't have to go to the dentist so much, or that fish makes your eyes see really well so that you don't have to wear glasses. There are real reasons why we eat healthy foods and avoid unhealthy foods and it may be time for her to start understanding those reasons.
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Old 03-23-2010, 03:06 PM   #7  
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Wargh, I'm not looking forward to being a parent. Good luck >_<
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Old 03-23-2010, 06:23 PM   #8  
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My daughter is only four but I've done butt loads of reading about children and food issues. I have no base line for normal, you know? I totally grew up in a culture of dieting.

One thing that is pretty common in every book I've read is that you decide what and they decide if and how much. So if she doesn't want the grapes, she doesn't need to eat them or even pretend to. Do you have a clean plate rule?

As for school and sweets, can you come up with a list of snacks/lunch extras TOGETHER that might satisfy her need for sweet and your need for healthy? Or agree that she can purchase a sweet at school (I don't know what sweets are on offer. A fun size bag of M&Ms even every day is no big deal, a King Size Snickers would be!)? I am not a fan of processed food, especially for my daughter, but we've found a regular looking fruit roll up and a granola bar without anything too chemically or weird. She gets a sweet and I don't have to worry that it's doing something weird to her body that we won't know about for twenty five years. They are still essentially empty calories, but I can live with it.

It is SO hard to be the odd girl out. As much as I want to encourage my daughter to be her own person and own it, I know that it's hard if 19 kids in your class are buying/bringing sweets and you're the ONE eating a pear or dry cereal (my mother the dieter never wanted to hear it, but it does kind of make you the freak and you do feel like other people get something fun and you somehow don't "deserve it" like they do).

Negotiating food issues with a daughter is so hard! I'm sure it's hard with boys as well but I am trying so hard not to pass on any of my weirdness to her. I don't talk about diet or good and bad foods in front of my child at all. I don't make judgments about myself or other people with regard to weight or looks. It's hard! I try to keep whole, healthy foods around and available, I try to cook in a way that's healthy and appealing, and all without making junk food "forbidden fruit" so that she hides and eats or goes junk crazy when she's not with me. I get tired just thinking about it all!
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