She's not here anymore and it kills me.. What can I do?
My mom passed away on September 11th this last year and this has been the hardest 6 months of my life. I having been living in Korea since may 15th and may 14th was the last time I saw my mom. I miss her more everyday that passes and it feels like there is a hole in my heart now. My husband & I have custody of my little brother (well hes bigger then me lol but he is only 15) and having him here seems like such a constant reminder of her. (don't get me wrong theres no where else I would rather him be, he belongs with us, but it is still hard) It brings me to tears everytime I think about it. My mom will never see me have my first baby, she will never see my brother get married and she will never see my sisters turn 18. I will never hear her laugh again and I can never call her to catch up on all our soaps again. She was the only person to heal my broken hearts, the only person to understand me and now shes gone and shes never coming back and I don't know how to handle it. I get by with my day to day life but inside I always feel so sad. I look back at this picture of her holding me when I was just a couple months and it breaks my heart in two.. What I would give for one more day with my mom<3
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I don't have any advice to offer you, but I hope your pain gets less with time. You get to see your mom in your brother everyday, and I am sure he sees her in you too. I know when I am missing someone I lost, I sit down and write them a letter. It really makes me feel as if I can still reach out to that person. I keep all the letters I write.
I can tell you really love your mom, I teared up reading what you wrote about her. I hope you feel better.
I lost my dear Father 8 years ago in April. We were so very close, he was ALWAYS there and I could always talk to him about EVERYTHING, and he always understood and loved me no matter what. He was and still is one of my best friends. I also am VERY close to my mother. So close that every day I fear loosing her too. I don't know how I would survive it.
I don't know what you believe or feel about the after life but for me, my comfort has come in KNOWING that my father is still around, in heaven, loving me and still helping to guide me everyday. It is hard, it takes time, but the hurt and constant ache does get better. Wow, I remember 6 months out very well.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope I can help without sounding too preachy. Have hope, it will get better. My heart goes out to you.
P.S. I don't think we EVER get over the....what I would give for one more day.
I lost my mom May 28, 2006. I'm an only child, and my mom raised me alone. So we were very close (kinda like the Gilmore Girls.) I'm in constant pain every single day. People told me that it gets better after time, but it'll be 4 years this May, and I'm not any closer to feeling better. (I think I may still be in the anger phase. I doube that will ever leave. Long story there.) I enjoy the days where I can just remember the happy times, and not focus on the fact that she isn't here anymore. Whenever my hubby & I talk about having kids..the thought that she will never get to hold her grandchild breaks my heart into a million pieces. I even feel awful for my unborn child. It'll never get to know how awesome their grandma was. There is nothing more awful than losing your mom. And I'm truly truly sorry you lost yours. I really wish I could offer you some advice, but I'm about to start crying right now. Just remember the good times...
I'd give anything to have one more day with my mom. I do have her voice recorded on an old machine of ours. It was the last message too. It's hard to listen to it though..
Last edited by Shopaholic1204; 02-12-2010 at 11:38 AM.
I was a senior in college in 2004, starting out my last semester. My mom was so excited that I was about to graduate that she took a day off work, which was RARE for her, months in advance. I went home for the weekend, kissed her goodbye on Sunday and spent a night with my then-boyfriend before heading back to school on Monday. I didn't have a cell phone.
Monday I got to school where a message was waiting on me that she was in bad shape and had been airlifted to a big city hospital. Two days later, and a few heart attacks and strokes later, with confirmation of no brain activity, we decided to turn off life support. I was 21, and about a week from my 22nd birthday.
I can relate to how you feel. For a few months afterward, after I'd forced myself back to school, I kept picking up the phone, not thinking, to call my mom and talk to her about problems I'd had, or about my day. I kept thinking that she was going to miss my college graduation (THAT was a hard one to get through - cried the whole time), would never see me get married or have kids. She'd miss all the rest of the high points of my life.
I wasn't READY to not have a mom. I still needed a mom, and still do to this day, at 29. I mean...I'm terrified to get pregnant and have kids because I have NOBODY to go to for advice. My husband's mom is ok...but it's not the same.
I cried every day for about a year. Then I went through a period of anger - why didn't she take better care of herself? Why do all these people in their 30s and 40s and 50s or older STILL have their moms when I don't? I got mad at people who were fighting with their moms, because they are SO lucky to still have them. Still do sometimes, but now realize everyone's situation is different.
I think about her every day, still, but it's gotten easier to get through the anniversary of her death, her birthday, etc., without crying. I still wish she was here, and wish I could call her. The biggest part of my starting to "get over it" (which is in quotes because you never really DO) is realizing that there's nothing I could've done. I went through a TON of emotionally beating myself up because I kept thinking - if I'd just STAYED there another day and NOT gone to see my boyfriend, I'd have BEEN there when she had the first heart attack. I would've KNOWN something was wrong and been able to get her help. She wouldn't have just been there alone all night, getting worse and worse, until her boss came to find her.
I realize now that things happened the way they were "supposed" to, if that makes any sense. I finally started to move past blaming myself, though I do blame her and have some anger.
Losing my mother made me more self-sufficient. If she'd been alive after my college graduation, would I have been as motivated to go right to work? Probably not. I was literally going to be homeless after moving out of my dorm and HAD to get a job, even though it wasn't what I would've wanted.
My advice? Give it time. Don't rush the healing. Let yourself cry and yell. Be angry at the situation, and embrace those around you and let them help you through it. Honor your mom's memory, take excellent care of your brother and help him grow up to be someone your mom would be proud of. She's always going to be WITH you, in your mind and heart. You can't lose that.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You've received a lot of wisdom already, so I'll just reiterate that the pain does get better with time. The feeling of loss never goes away completely (sorry, but have to be honest), but it does get easier to handle day to day. My grandparents (who had helped raise me) were killed Feb. 24, 1993 and it was devastating. We have found that it helps to talk about them and the great times we had, but was glad recently to find that I'm not the only one who loved them that still gets teary when something comes up that reminds me of something we did together or something one of them said or........It's been 17 years and I don't want you to feel discouraged that the pain will always be this crippling, because it won't. You'll start remembering things and be able to smile more often than you'll cry and you'll put the photos back up and you'll be 'telling' your mom things about your brother that you want to make sure she knows. When our 2nd son was born, he had a couple pink birthmarks that no one in the family had ever been born with-I know it's where they kissed him before he came to us and those marks still show up at times as a reminder.
Keep crying, don't try to dismiss the pain, and talk about her with your family.
Like the others above, I lost my Mom too early, too. Age 19. Just this past year, I found an amazing group of books that I STRONGLY reccommend for any woman suffering mother loss. I could write out here so much of my life and wisdom and advice, but honestly the book says it better than I can.
Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman hopeedelman dot com It is also available at Barnes & Noble.
The book(s) discuss all of the things that we go through organized from recent loss to lifetime loss. It's truly for all stages, not just the immediate crisis stage. What I like the best is that it is from her experience, but also from thousands of women "like us" that have been through this. Reading the posts above remind me of the book a lot. It's not a therapy or self-help book. Similar to how we discuss TMI here on the threads because there's no one else that knows what we mean - it's a book that discusses all of those things that we need to hear are normal.
I don't mean to sound like an advertisement, but these books literally changed my life since I read them. I had so many things going on and learning that it was COMMON for women like me to experience them made me feel so much better!
In a way, my thoughts for you are very depressing. No one wants to hear that this will hurt forever or that it will be the single biggest impact on your life. But when it does happen to you, that 10 years later you are still hurting and crying for your mom, it feels really good to know it's normal and that there are others out there that know how you feel. I am sending you lots of hugs and a permanent invitation to a unique sorority of women that will always understand and be here for you!
Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman hopeedelman dot com It is also available at Barnes & Noble.
YES!! I recommend you read this too. I read it, and it helped me somewhat. I say that, because I had to put down the book a lot. I couldn't handle it at the time.
I lost my dad last August 19 to cancer. He never got to see either of his daughters get married or have kids. He was young and the most kind and gentle man I've ever met. At his funeral MANY people used these same words to describe him. He was amazing. Always said he was proud of me no matter what.
Many years ago before we even knew dad was sick...
Dad and me after my graduation from college:
Basically, I know how you feel as much as the people who shared their stories with you. And honestly, I don't have any advice or reassurance besides what they already said. I assume it gets better but I havent gotten there yet. It helps me sometimes to think that he is still encouraging me and he's still proud of what I am doing and that I've started to become a healthier and happier person.
Hey KIDDO ~ I am so sorry for your loss at such a young age.
I lost my dad when I was 33 but my mom didn't pass until 3 years ago when I was 53.
All I can advise to help ease the pain away is to do something fun in her memory.
Many times, when my mom was alive, and we had a lot of people over, family and friends, my mom would make chili. It was economical and good...easy. After my mom passed my family decided to honor not only her but all our loved ones passed with Gramma or Grammi Judi's (she went by both) Chili Memorial. We set aside the first week-end after the Super Bowl for it....
this year because of situations in the family (trying to get 25+ together is hard) we will have it next Saturday...
but it will be chicken cacciatore instead of chili...we are pretty flexible and something my wife wants to make...
the main thing...my family and a few friends will be here at my house to have a fun evening and visit some memories of my mom...dad and others that have passed...
I know your family is "small" over there at the moment...but maybe you can start a new tradition....in a way that works for your family
Both of my parents are gone. I lost my Mom when I was 23 and my Dad 18 months later, just shy of my 25th birthday. It's been nearly a decade since my Mom died (8 years for Dad.) It's hard to believe it's been that long.
My mother and I had difficulties in our relationship (Looking back mainly because she hit menopause the same time I hit puberty) and we were just starting to get along really well when she passed. It was so painful, still is, to think of all the things I missed; she missed. At first I really beat myself up that I didn't cherish her more while she was here.
I was incredibly close with my Dad. For several months I would pick up the phone only to remember that I couldn't just call him. It was hard for many years. Aside from the loss I felt very isolated. He really was my best friend.
I can't say that the grief will ever go away. It really doesn't. But, time does soften it some and the tears won't come so often. The pain will dull. I realize this isn't helpful to you right now, but given time to grieve at your own pace it'll get easier to deal with. No, easy is the wrong word. I guess you just get more used to it.
Allow yourself to grieve. Reach out to the rest of the family and help each other through this. It's an excruciating thing to have to go through.
I like what EZMONEY said about doing something to honor your Mother. I try to do little things to carry on the memory of my parents. I make family recipes, listen to the music they liked, I share their stories with my husband (whom they never met,) etc. They may be gone, but they are not forgotten. I think that's all anyone can ask for.
EDIT: I just remembered a book that was very helpful to me in my grieving process. It's called A Grief Observed and is by C.S. Lewis. He wrote it after his wife died. I remember my sister giving it to me since it had helped her as well.
Last edited by zenor77; 02-12-2010 at 11:25 PM.
Reason: Remembered book
Thank you so much guys! This really means alot, I know in time it wont hurt as bad its just the getting there part that sucks. & MindiV I know exactly what you mean about the anger part! I am angry on so many accounts and I keep it all inside in fear of taking it out on the wrong person, like my brother. He was there in her room the night she died and though I have a huge ache in my heart knowing that he at 15 had to find his mom blue in bed, I still get so angry sometimes thinking, 'why couldn't he just wake her up??' why didn't he realize something was wrong.? and I know thats horrible and I know its not his fault at all but it just hurts. I'm so mad at my mom, I told her over and over that one day it would be one too many pills and this would happen but my warning was never enough, and on sept. 11th she took the final pill, she overdosed. I'm so angry with her for that, now here I am 19 (20 now) and my husband is 21 (22 now) and we are raising a very confused and depressed 15 year old (who already had so many problems from the past) and I dont even have anyone to talk to about how to be a parent now! Her birthday next month is going to be so hard, but I know I will get through it.
Thanks again guys I really appreciate all your kind words
She's not here anymore and it kills me.. What can I do?
I really wish I could offer you some advice, but I'm about to start crying right now. Just remember the good times...
. I'm so sorry for your loss 
and something my wife wants to make...
