First off not to be insensitive to your plight but I take offense at the title of your post "Men Suck!!" "Men" don't suck .... your problem is with ONE man.
A man who KNOWS that something he is doing is causing marital disharmony within the marriage and yet continues with that action. This should tell you something. Like others have said both of you could use marital counseling.
My wife ran off when our daughter was 9 years old leaving me to raise her myself. We never heard from her or got one dime of support until my daughter was 17. Based on this experience I would NEVER say all women suck!!
I realize that you are hurt and sometimes people say things they don't mean but you should know that there are men on this forum too and we deserve to be respected just as you are.
She sounds awfully persistant. I would like to think that if a male friend's SO was that uncomfortable with my friendship then I would be respectful enough to step aside. It's also disconcerting that your husband seems so hellbent on maintaining this friendship. I can only agree with others and suggest counseling to get to the bottom of it.
Thank you everyone for replying Counseling seems like a great idea thanks. I will have to find out about getting some for us. I just wish it all wasn't so difficult sigh.
and I really didn't mean all men suck. It was just an aggrovating situation and I was upset. Ofcourse not all men suck, and many women suck aswell. So I do apologize if the title offended.
Your husband is WRONG WRONG WRONG. No relationship should ever be put above the marriage relationship, period! and so what if you read his emails ect, if he has nothing to hide, he wouldn't care. He gave you the reason not to trust him, you didn't come up with on your own.
My husband has access to my emails and vice versa. If there is nothing to hide there would be no big deal about it. You as his wife, should come first. I would wonder what do they have in common that even makes it a friendship? In most friendships the friend knows the family and everyone does stuff together....that does not sound like the case here. Dating someone does not nor should it, unless children are involved, make you life long pals.
Hey--
It is amazing how much we have in common. First of, I have to tell you to be mindful of the amount of stress you are under. Doctors will tell you that stress RAISES your blood sugar levels. In fact, a lot (probably 75%) of people I have spoken to about their diabetes say that they were diagnosed after a period of extreme stress (i.e. relative passing away, spouses sickness).
Having said that, I have to tell you how sorry I am to hear that this is going on, but it is definitely possible to be friends with an ex after the relationship has ended. HOWEVER, that is not what this sounds like to me. I have known my ex since I was 13 years old. And we have a child together. Literally, this man is family. When I met my husband, he had a hard time dealing with it. I suppose he felt that we were so close that, at any moment, I could decide that we had made a mistake by splitting up. In my mind, there was NO way that could happen. But I understood that, if I wanted my relationship with my then-boyfriend to last, I had to be senstive to his feelings and my relationship with my ex had to be completely transparent. Also, I never allowed my ex to disrepect or undermine my current relationship in any way. If my ex had refused to handle things in that manner, out of respect for my husband, I would have ended my friendship.
The bottom line is this: There is absolutely nothing wrong with exs who still associate with each other. There IS something wrong with a man who is willing to hurt his wife over "a friend". The friendship, though uncomfortable for you, was not wrong until he lied about it. At that moment, it became a bigger issue than your insecurity. When you confronted him with the problem he had TWO choices. One: say, "I love you. But this is a friendship that I established long before I met you, and I have to ask you to have faith in us and try to work through it. If it would help, we can all get together and discuss it." (This is what I told my husband) Or two: break it off. There is not a third option to pretend to break it off just to get the wife off your back. What he is doing is wrong and everyone involved needs to question why it is so necessary to keep their relationship a secret.
I agree with other people when they say you need counseling, but beware. In order to fix this situation, everyone involved has to co operate. Both parties have to approach it from a sense of love and respect and committment to the marriage. That is the only way it works. The fact that your husband did not even tell this woman he got married is HIGHLY suspicious.
Also, I have to point out that another of my closest friends is a married man. He wasn't married when we met, and so my friendship was strictly with him -- not his wife. I don't care for his wife, and so that hasn't changed, but I would never do anything that could cause a potential problem in their marriage. I do not talk to him nearly as much as I did before. I call their home phone, not his cell phone if I know he has left work for the day. And I always have a brief conversation with her before I ask to speak to him just so she is aware of my intentions. Also, when they are in town, we have dinner together as two couples. A true friend wouldn't do anything to create tension in another friend's marriage. Clearly, this chick is not to be trusted!
Personally, I have no doubt that my husband would have shown me the door (and rightfully so) if I had pulled half of the stuff your husband seems to be pulling. I would have done the same. But that is a choice every person has to make for themselves. Whatever you choose to do, DO SOMETHING. A relationship like this is not healthy for someone who stuggles with self-esteem and insecurity. Love yourself enough to take some action, because this is NOT ok.
Last edited by gaarmywife2007; 03-23-2009 at 03:32 PM.
By the way..flatiron, you rock! I'm so sorry for you and your daughter that you couldn't count on your ex. Take a bow....there should be more PEOPLE like you!!!
Last edited by gaarmywife2007; 03-23-2009 at 03:34 PM.
The bottom line is this: There is absolutely nothing wrong with exs who still associate with each other. There IS something wrong with a man who is willing to hurt his wife over "a friend". The friendship, though uncomfortable for you, was not wrong until he lied about it. At that moment, it became a bigger issue than your insecurity. When you confronted him with the problem he had TWO choices. One: say, "I love you. But this is a friendship that I established long before I met you, and I have to ask you to have faith in us and try to work through it. If it would help, we can all get together and discuss it." (This is what I told my husband) Or two: break it off. There is not a third option to pretend to break it off just to get the wife off your back. What he is doing is wrong and everyone involved needs to question why it is so necessary to keep their relationship a secret.
He lied to her because of her insecurities, maybe if she wasn't so uncomfortable he wouldn't have had to lie? That's what I usually heard.
When's exes remain close friends and that breakup wasn't mutual, I'd feel uncomfortable and I'd be hesitant to enter a relationship with that person just for things that happen like in OP's relationship.
He lied to her because of her insecurities, maybe if she wasn't so uncomfortable he wouldn't have had to lie? That's what I usually heard.
When's exes remain close friends and that breakup wasn't mutual, I'd feel uncomfortable and I'd be hesitant to enter a relationship with that person just for things that happen like in OP's relationship.
There is NEVER a good excuse to lie to a spouse, especially concerning someone with the opposite sex.
[QUOTE=ringmaster;2667067]He lied to her because of her insecurities, maybe if she wasn't so uncomfortable he wouldn't have had to lie? That's what I usually heard.
Yes. That is the excuse most people who do something they shouldn't give. Is it difficult to handle a situation like this when your partner is unsure of themselves? Yes. Could you be tempted to tell a white lie to avoid a bunch of drama? Absolutely. But you SHOULDN'T. Whatever insecurities a person has will only deepen once they find out -- and they will find out -- that the person they love most has lied to them and gone behind their backs carrying on a relationship they are uncomfortable with. It gives the APPERANCE that there is something to hide, even if there isn't. There is no friendship on Earth worth risking the life my husband and I are building together. I've been in the hot seat before, so I know it can be hard to explain yourself to everyone (because BELIEVE ME, it wasn't just my husband who had raised eyebrows -- his family told him to make sure he wasn't "being blind") but for the health of your marriage and the happiness of your spouse you have to suck it up and do it.
Most people would agree that lying to your spouse is wrong. That's where the statement stops. It's not "lying to your spouse is wrong unless they force you to do it by asking you not to do something because they are insecure." He has to take responsiblity for his actions, and she for hers. Neither can blame wrongdoing on the other. She didn't "make" him lie and he didn't "make" her snoop. The difference is, only one was upfront about what they did.
and now she just texted him but i had the phone and was so stupid and texted her back that I would really like it if she would just stop talking to my husband. kay? thanks.
Girl, I would have done the SAME thing ... and not because i'm insecure, but because it's not right. Reading your post right now actually got me a little fired up! LOL ... it's one thing to have "girl-FRIENDS" but the fact that he hasn't even told her about you two being married yet kinda throws up a red-flag by itself.
It's hard just to up and leave sometimes, especially being married. But keep your head up girl, and do whatever makes you happy, with or without him
Of course she has insecurities -- her husband is lying to her and sneaking around. He even lied to his ex about being married (HUGE, HUGE red flag). Who WOULDN'T be "insecure" under the same circumstances?
There's a lot of "emotional baggage" that your husband is carrying, because by legal definition, he was sexually abused by this woman. It's not unusual for boys and girls in that situation to become men and women with unnatural attachments to their abusers - and it can be life long. I'm not saying that he isn't responsible for what he's doing, but he may have an unhealthy "addiction" to this woman that is, I'm afraid, almost inevitable in such a situation. He needs to understand that this relationship ISN'T healthy - and I'm not sure he can do that without a counselor. Coming from you as the wife, he'll likely dismiss it just as jealousy, and not see the harm in it for him (whether or not it destroys the marriage, he's still going to be wrapped up in this very disfunctional relationship with her).
It's really not much different than a physical addiction to alcohol and drugs. I suspect, he has a severe emotional addiction to her - and it stems from the fact that he was a child, and she an adult when this "relationship" occurred - but it wasn't a relationship, it was sexual abuse of a child. He doesn't see that now, but perhaps with counseling he will. It is difficult for boys of sexual abuse, because even if they were extremely young when it happened, they tend to believe the relationship was their "choice," because the adult female sex offender tends to allow (and or entice) the young boy in to being the "aggressor," so the boy thinks that he was the one that initiated the relationship, but the fact is an adult woman had the legal and moral responsibility to spurn the advances of a 16 year old boy, whether or not he or she "started it".
Whether or not you decide to stay with him, he needs counseling. Whether he will see and accept that or not, is up to him.
Oh my...where to start. I wasn't going to post a reply to this because I am the Queen of jealousy and insecurity.....but all I want to say is that only you and your husband know what is really going on in your relationship. Only the two of you will know how to fix it. I think the biggest thing that can help is communication. You have to communicate to each other not only how you feel but also why you feel that way.
In your heart only you can decide to stay or go in this marriage. I am all for making marriages work but it can't be at the cost of giving up what one believes in.
I have a similar thing going on in my life and my husband is sick of hearing how I feel about it but he listens anyway....I went to therapy on my own since he didn't want to go with me. Even though we didn't get to go to marriage counseling I know it helped me to go on my own. Now I think my husband is seeing more of my side of the 'disagreement' without me even having to say anything. But he had to come to this on his own, I couldn't force it on him, and believe me I tried.
I wish all the luck to you in the world but please let any decisions you make come from your heart and head....not from the advice of friends who may not have the whole picture.....
Counseling seems like a great idea thanks. I will have to find out about getting some for us. I just wish it all wasn't so difficult sigh. 
