It seems to me, you're being a bit harsh. It seems that you are at least a bit miffed, and taking it personally that she's choosing not to go, even though she declined politely and apppropriately. A wedding invitation, especially to a destination wedding, and especially to a guest who doesn't warrant an escort, isn't an obligation, and prospective guests don't owe you an explanation why they cannot or choose not to attend.

Also wedding ettiquette is not nearly as universal as the ettiquette books would have you believe. In central IL, "and guest" was pretty standard for all single guests, because everyone knows how much it sucks to be single at a wedding. Even bringing a platonic friend of either gender was preferred to coming alone. Inviting someone without "and guest" was tantamount to saying "we don't want you to come, but we do expect a gift". I'm not saying that's how your friend interpreted it, but expecting her to attend whether she wants to or not, just isn't reasonable.

I wouldn't have a lot of fun, even in Vegas, even for my best friend's wedding without a travel companion. Traveling alone, just doesn't appeal to me at all. It doesn't matter how great the destination, even if other aquaintences will be there (especially if they're all paired up, and I'm not), going alone is a bummer, especially since the bride is going to be far too busy to spend time worrying about whether I'm having a good time or not.

In choosing a destination wedding, you had to make some difficult choices, and you want your guests to respect that. You've got to be able to respect their decisions also, even if they're not what you would like. If you're taking it as personally as you seem to be, I'd ask why you don't expect your friend to take it personally that you didn't invite her bf, so that she would have a travel companion. It seems you're saying she shouldn't be offended (and it appears she isn't), but you have a right to be.

Every wedding invatation I have ever recieved had my name "and guest" except of course when I was married.

So when the ceremony is over and you are partying with your new husband you friend is supposed to walk around the rest of the time alone?

I wouldn't come either.

For the friendship I would have let her bring the guy.

Originally Posted by flatiron:
Every wedding invatation I have ever recieved had my name "and guest" except of course when I was married.

So when the ceremony is over and you are partying with your new husband you friend is supposed to walk around the rest of the time alone?

I wouldn't come either.

For the friendship I would have let her bring the guy.

Our other single friends whom she knows are coming. Its not like she's going to be alone and not know anyone. I, understand the idea of letting her bring her bf whom i've never met but it defeats the whole intimacy of my wedding. I have concluded to respect her decision not to come.

this whole situation seems silly. if you arent paying for the accomidations, what difference does it make if she brings her bf or not. why cant you meet him before hand? personally, i dont know you, but i certainly wouldnt come to your wedding if you had that attitude. its pretty petty that you would rather preserve the intimacy of your wedding (which wont be more than an hour) than preserve a friendship. just because you have other SINGLE friends going is not an excuse. she is not single. she shouldnt be forced to be in a situation presuming she is.

While I agree with you that you are entitled to invite who you see fit, because it is your wedding, I also understand your friend's position. For quite a long time, I was in a long distance relationship (I am talking a real long distance, almost 900 km) and it sucked going to events on my own (and often, I chose to not go at all). I don't think I would want to go to a wedding as a single person - it really sucks. It does not matter that will be other single guests - obviously they don't have an issue with it but this one friend probably does. Personally, I don't mind travelling solo but I am tired of being the single person in the sea of couples.

why dont you just let the singles have their dates and they pay for themselves? Since they may or may not be the same boy or girlfriends by the wedding. I would like to be their with someone if it was my first time. Seeing all there is to see alone is boring! I think you just want to be a bridezilla! lol. No Im kidding but....I do think its not that serious. Just (as you said you did with future hubby) compromise. Let them pay for themselves. Who cares if someone gets mad or what others think.

According to the good folks at etiquettehell.com

When you decide to have a destination wedding, it is assumed that there is a reasonable expectation for a guest to deline the invitation for whatever reason (usually financial, or in this case, not wanting to travel without their partner).

It is also considered wedding etiquette to assume that a couple is those who are married, engaged, and/or living together. Without those, it is reasonable to invite the person as a single.

So, I suppose you both have valid reasons.

Keep in mind that while a wedding is a huge deal for you, it does not hold the same value to others and it is unreasonable to be offended when someone doesn't want to spend a great deal of money on it. If she is spending lots of money, feels obligated to go, and can't bring her boyfriend, it sure doesn't sound like much fun for her so I can't blame her.

I have a friend of mine who is also planning a destination wedding this year in Vegas.

Now...I currently have a boyfriend, but we are NOT engaged, NOT living together, etc. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 months, and she DID invite him, too (or whatever guest I wanted to bring with me).

Personally, I wouldn't want to go to an airport, travel on a plane, stay in a hotel room, etc. ALONE.

It isn't just about the wedding and the ceremony (Where you said there will be other SINGLE people there for her to hang out with.) I would absolutely attend a small, intimate wedding by myself if it were nearby, but I am not going to travel across the country like that ALONE. Your wedding and reception may only last for a couple of hours, her alone time is pretty much going to last all weekend long.

In Indiana, that would require me to go the airport here in my state, get one one plane, and then most likely end up in the airport in Chicago for a while, while I wait for another flight, etc. that will actually take me to Vegas. That is 3 different airports, 2 flights, etc. just to get there. No one wants to do that by themself...and then pay for it, to boot.

I understand that you want an intimate ceremony, and I don't fault you for that. I understand that you don't want to pay for food/reception costs and all that for someone that she may or may not be with 3 months from now. On that same note, however, you should not get upset with her, or take it personally that she doesn't want to travel across the country all by herself, and pay for plane tickets, hotel costs, etc. and be alone all weekend.

So, I think that you should be more understanding of her position. There is nothing wrong with wanting a small intimate ceremony with only a few guests, or having a ceremony without children invited, or whatever kind of ceremony that you want. You should not take it personally, though, when people choose not to attend based on your choice.

Who says she can't bring him along for company and he just goes to gamble or something during the one hour ceremony and a couple of hours during the reception? Then they can hook up again and have their own little vacation!

Sorry but I disagree. It is your choice of course as to whether you want to allow your single friends to bring a guest... but I agree with her in deciding not to attend if she cannot bring her friend, especially with it being a destination wedding. I would not go either in her circumstances.
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Yes! Wish I had thought to say it that way. :)

Originally Posted by AnAbsoluteDiva:
When the economy interferes with social graces and tact, it's time to downscale the festivities. Better to have a classy barbecue in the backyard where everyone feels welcome and then an upscale bash where the cash register is cha-chinging in your head.

ya know, it's actually really fascinating to see the wide range of responses here. i myself was under the impression of the married, engaged, or living together (or otherwise serious long term relationship) was always in effect unless you received an invitation addressed to Mr. John Smith and Guest. i myself have always attended weddings alone nor have i ever heard of the couple getting married footing the hotel or travel bills for their guests for a destination wedding.
from my perspective, in this situation, the email wasn't really necessary, but so be it. the friend is being a bit of a brat to not come because some guy she just started dating isn't invited. i think she could legitimately decline the invitation due to financial hardship, which people do all the time, and politely, for destination weddings like this. but bringing the guy into the picture is just downright petty. and even worse if that's the real reason she won't go.
but judging from the responses here, i think that different rules of etiquette clearly apply for different parts of the country or different social groups.

I can't believe how snippy some people are being about this. If I'm not mistaken, you stated very clearly that you and your friend were being very respectful of each other's feelings and circumstances, but that there was still a lingering disappointment that it doesn't appear it will work out. I don't see a problem with that. I was unable to attend my BFF's wedding in Vegas a few years ago for financial reasons (and very short notice - I wasn't told until a month before it all went down, and didn't have time to save up money to fly from NC to NV and get a hotel room), and my friend was fine with it. Her cousin stood in as Maid of Honor since I couldn't be there, and everything was fine. I have never failed to attend an event because I couldn't get a date, because I refuse to accept the idea that I am only validated by having a man attached to me when I'm seen in public. I haven't had a date to any major function in my life, and I would be horrified to have missed out on all the cool parties and weddings and proms and receptions I wouldn't have been to if I gave a s*** about whether or not I was alone. My feeling is that when I go alone, I can leave with whoever I want ;)

I seriously do not understand people who stay home from things because they don't have a date. I have friends like that and it frustrates me to no end.

One criticism, if I may: I think it would have been more personal if that email had been a phone call. However, I don't know you and your friend, and there are some friendships that are just more email-oriented than phone-call oriented. I have friends like that, too. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that if you're okay with things, and she's ok with things, and you two are still friends when all is said and done, then count it a stalemate, retain your friend, and get back to focusing on the happy days ahead of you as you embark on married life. Congratulations on your engagement/marriage, BTW. :hug:

Just to clarify my earlier comments... I do indeed go to weddings alone and in fact have travelled all over the world by myself including to countries where I had no lodgings booked in advance and could not speak the language. :)

It is the bride's wedding... her "right" to make the rules. However, if someone DOES feel that they do not want to attend alone -- in particular where it is a destination wedding and involves a lot of expense and time commitment -- I also feel she has every right to graciously (which sounds like she was) decline to come. :) Personally I declined going to a friend's wedding because it would have involved taking my entire weekend (or driving all night), spending $$$ for gas, hotel and ferry fees -- a HUGE expense -- to go to someone's wedding. Now had it been my best friend... I would have been there. But I think it is very reasonable for someone not to want to go alone if she would rather not, not to mention the expense would have been split two ways if accompanied.

I think that's very brave to go all over the world to unfamiliar countries - I'm very impressed :)