Every night when I'm trying to fall asleep, I always end up remembering stuff that happened to me when I lived in Vancouver. I did a lot of messed up stuff there, mostly just being promiscuous and doing lots of drugs. I don't like thinking about that time period of my life, and for some reason every night the memories always come to me, and I have to start counting in my head to make it go away.... Does anybody have any idea why this might be happening?

I don't know.. I really don't have any idea why it's been happening, but it's been everynight for as long as I can remember. It's just weird because there's many parts of my life that I never think about... I have very little memory of my childhood, and I never think about the abuse and stuff I went through with my step mom... Just these Vancouver memories.

The hardest thing is to make peace and forgive ourselves for things that we feel shame for...But making peace with your past is the only way you can move forward as the person that you are now. Your past is what made you who you are today...so no matter how bad it got...to use a way over used quote..."it's all good"

hmm, it could be any number of reasons why your minds connections to those memories are so fresh. Maybe you connect them to something that's been going on in your life- change, like your weight loss, or a certain type of relationships that you're having right now. Try to think about the feelings and thoughts that you associate with those memories, and see if there are any parallels with the times you think of these memories.

Sorry if that's not as helpful if you would hope...

Of course it was helpful kelly Thanks. You could very well be right, I never even thought of that. Living in vancouver was a HUGE change in my life... just like trying to lose weight now.. it's a huge change because I've been overweight my whole life and always ate anything and everything whenever I could.

Djay - It's not that I'm ashamed really of the things I did back then... I just don't like thinking about it because I just wasn't a very good person.... and had very horrible "friends". I know it's made me who I am today, which is great because I think I'm a very good person.. ahah

Probably the drugs. All the memories I have are ones where I was high. But then again, I was always high. Sometimes I want to just buy some ecstasy or coke and indulge myself.... I remember the way I felt on them and it was amazing... but I know better than to go back to them... I have drug dreams all the time where I wake up just sad that I'm never going to have the feeling again... I never really thought the memories could be about the drugs....

Since you were high a lot back then, maybe you weren't dealing with your true feelings/emotions and now that you are losing weight, maybe your dealing with some emotional stuff and kinda miss being able to suppress all that before? Its always best to deal with things in life not hide from them. Maybe talking to a professional would be helpful?

Well I'm in a girls group at my school, and we basically just talk about our problems, I'm sure it will pop up somewhere in there. As for talking to a professional about it, I don't rly want to.

There could be a lot of "reasons," but it also could be simple anxiety and a behavior pattern cycle. In other words, a habit.

I have a bachelor's and master's in psychology, but not counseling psych. My background is in behavioral, some cognitive/behavioral and developmental psychology. So my background is more in changing thoughts and behavior (without worrying about why they are occuring) and in the norms of development - how we behave and think over a lifetime, what's normal and what can go wrong.

There are no big regrets in my life, but just as I'm falling asleep is when I go over all the things in my day or in my life that I wish I'd done differently, and all of the things I want to plan for the future. For me, it's an assortment, not a particular time period in my life -though I do go in jags. I once spent months thinking about all of the embarassing things that I said and did in highschool and junior high (like in highschool when the popular "mean girls" found my calendar notebook I was using as a journal and wrote about my first hickey - GAWD they teased me for what seemed like months).

What your experiencing could be completely normal or it could be post traumatic stress disorder - how disturbing it is to you is what really matters. Are you losing sleep because of it? Are you disturbed by the memories themselves or disturbed more by what it "might mean" that you're doing it.

If you're losing sleep, and bothered by the memories, talking to your doctor or seeking counseling could help. If it just seems "weird," and you cope fine, I'd say don't worry about it.

I'd start writing down what's going through your mind to get it out...

Well If I'm not tired enough I just lay in bed and try to sleep, which causes me to think a lot. The memories just... well, remind me of the life I had. And I just want to put it behind me. I wouldn't say it's effecting me badly in any way, other than the fact that I don't want to think about them, but I do... And yeh, I am more disturbed about what it might mean, rather than the actual memories.