Wow. I have a real problem with this.

So an "ugly" woman wouldn't be attractive or a temptation? If your husband was unhappy enough in his relationship, then a woman who is "pretty" would tempt him, but a homely one wouldn't?????

A woman who is otherwise qualified would be denied the job because she is pretty?

Replace "pretty" with "fat" and float this and see what the response is.

Wow. I'm seriously disgusted.

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I guess it does sound terrible, but it is what it is. I understand your perspective on this but I will not make apologies for my decision.

Of course, attractiveness is not the only factor in my decision process but I certainly did try to find someone who was less stereotypically sexy than otherwise. There were some candidates that were adorable and whom I really did want to hire based on their qualifications. But this less than beautiful amazingly sweet and lovely woman took the job. And I have no contention that it is seemingly absurd that I am glad she is not eye candy for my husband (BTW, she is not overweight).

I wonder, are you being somewhat naive? Before my search for an au pair I learned of two marriages that were ending based on relationships with child-care givers. I also have a friend whose au pair told her she was in this country to find an older man as a husband. This au pair had to be directed to wear clothing while walking around my friend's home.

My marriage is solid (and my husband thinks I am a bit absurd regarding this topic) but these facts remain. I am sorry for your disgust. I'm not sure it is warranted.

Not at all. I think you are. Do you really think that a man who is happy in his marriage will be tempted by a pretty face? An affair is not a cause, it's a symptom.

I'm sorry, I'm still disgusted and appalled. If I told someone I wouldn't hire them because they were ugly or fat, I'd be sued to kingdom come - and rightfully so.

I think refusing to hire someone who is qualified because they're cute is equally abhorrent.

I'm surprised that's all he feels. If my spouse told me that he wouldn't hire a handsome housekeeper because he was afraid that I might be tempted - what does that say about what he thinks about ME? That's a huge slap in the face to your spouse as well. It says "I don't trust you to honor your vows just because of a pretty face."

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Agreed.

And I didn't say I refused to hire attractive women. I said, of the many candidates out there, I did keep that in my mind as one of many factors.

Photo, will you hold this against me? ;) Can't we agree to disagree? :)

Honestly I can't agree to disagree on this one. I can say that we'll just consider any further discussion on it an Unmentionable Topic between us. Seriously .. this cuts to the very core of my beliefs in a lot of ways and I just can't agree that it's a matter of choice.

But I will agree to drop the subject and move on.

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done.

A really good book on this for anyone interested is The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine.

also, txnikita, i think aphil gave you pretty sound advice. i second that motion. good luck, i sympathize.

Your hubby sounds like a good man. As long as he's honest with you and isn't trying to hide the emails, I wouldn't worry too much. I'd still be cautious, but that's just me. Good luck, and keep on venting if you need to:)

Yep. I am just going to take it one day at a time and see how things play out. As of right now I really don't have any reason to be too upset. Thanks to all of you I also have some books to read as well as a channel to vent that will keep my husband from having to listen to me rant. It really has helped to see the differing opinions on here. I will keep you posted on how my progress goes....

I don't believe that a married man can have a serious online relationship with a woman. Sure, some can, but many can't.

I think that if this relationship (and that's what it is, whatever that means) is 'nothing' then he won't mind you monitoring every word said, being introduced to her, your putting limits on things.

If he balks at this, any of it, then you should more than worry.

Every time I see Oprah talk to men who have cheated, you know what they say? Strangely, all of them? SHE LISTENED TO ME and DIDN'T NAG ME.

EVERY ONE

They rarely said anything about a passionate, tv style sexual affair. They say that the other woman listened, let him talk, made him feel young and funny and that they looked up to him, for advice and so on. Not being their day in and day out wife, the other woman didn't nag him..what's to nag him over??

I also have a good friend that starting talking to someone online. My friend is a woman. She was playing an online game, met him IN the game, started playing the game with him, then just standing around talking to him rather than playing. When her husband started monitoring her, she got another email account, another cell phone, talked to him at work etc. This led to a full blown affair, her asking for a divorce, changing everything in her life....and all of this has happened THIS year. ALL of it. He listens to her. He makes her feel funny and important. He never nags her or does anything wrong because the relationship is not REAL..but it is.

Just my very long 2 cents.

Yep...

Also, you can't always assume that just because a phone number isn't on the phone bill, that it isn't being called. Payphones, calling cards are common cover ups.

Separate email accounts can also be opened.

The best bet if anyone seems worried about this sort of situation, is to MEET the other person. Check out the body language and "looks" between the 3rd person, and your spouse. That's the best indicator.

More than likely it will fizzle out. I got in contact with a guy friend from high school (who had a crush on me back then) for the first few weeks we emailed a few times a day, then it was couple times a week... now it's about once a month. He's been married and divorced since then and I'm in a serious cohabiting relationship. So I think you'll be fine especially since your hubby has been so honest and sharing with you.

That being said, I have never had a friendship with someone of the opposite sex which didn't start off with one of us having a crush, unless they were gay. Never! And even my best friend who has loads of guy friends that are completely platonic now... happen to be guys she's dated in the past. So when it comes to my bf having female friends I can't help but to feel jealous or slightly threatened.

Well I honestly hope I am making more out of it than it is. I can learn to control my thoughts, emotions and actions but I can't control what they do. I do love and trust him and I need to remember that until he gives me more of a cause not to. I can see both sides of this which is actually a good thing. So far the last few days have been good.

In any case, it's probably not a bad idea to put some jazz into the relationship, if it is lacking in any way. Do you still have fun together? Just enjoy each other's company?

Plenty of fun
 

We have always had a good relationship. This chatting has been going on for about a month. And for the last year we have had a much better relationship. I have cut out almost all the nagging in the last year. We have been enjoying spending time together since the kids are back in school. We like to go out and spend time together talking and we still hold hands when walking through stores...although I will admit my husband is a shop a holic and loves to spend money. We have always had a good sex life and lately that hasn't changed any. We on average have "relations" at least 4 or 5 times a week....and after 14 years of being in a relationship I would consider that to be very good......:D