My first husband was an alcoholic and a drug addict. When it got into full swing I packed up our son and left. It took 8 years for him to bottom out. I stayed single for 5 years after our divorce, mostly because I was not ready to try and find a "good" man. Well he found me, and by then I was wildly independent and gun shy, that was 11 years ago. My ex has been sober for 6 years and is now building a relationship with his son. He confided in me that it broke his heart that our son chose to spend fathers day with us, not him. But he knows that he is not daddy, my DH is.
He apologized for what he did to me, but also confided that while it the throes of his addiction he didn't give a rats behind about us, just the booze/drugs. So please realize you need to be selfish and worry about you. He's a big boy and made his choice. And remember the line from Some Kind of Wonderful, "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons, then with someone for the wrong ones" Be strong and take care of you.
Last edited by danemom; 07-17-2008 at 02:56 AM.
Reason: I can't spell
Thank you all! Your comments and support are all helping me tremendously. I did attend my meeting and felt better for it. He came home as I knew he would full of apologies, I let him stay but he knows its not a solid thing
No...you can't help him by taking him back. I went through exactly what you describe. His only chance is if you completely reject him and he looses a good woman forever. It will hurt but you will loose him one way or the other anyway.
He still may not turn around. But as long as he knows that you will enable him...I can guarantee that he will continue to go back to his addiction. If he is not in treatment and staying there his chances are slim at best.
Now what happens if you don't cut ties? Again...from someone that has been there...I ended up feeling helpless, and hopeless. I actually believed that this was all I deserved since I kept going back. I felt week in all areas of my life because I was week with him. When He finally got so drugged and liquered up that he drove his motorcycle off the road at 70 mph and died, I was the one who ended up feeling responsible because I couldn't love him enough to make him stop. Niether can you. If he has not been clean, in treatment, holding down a job and building a life with sober friends for at least a year, he has no business dragging you into his sick world. And you are playing with fire if you go. Who his friends are will tell you a lot!
Am I saying this to scare you? Yes! It's hard and not a happy story. You need to hear it. Is that what you want for your life? He will not stay sober for you. He has to do it for himself or it is a waste of everyone's time. Close the door and harden your heart to him.
I am sorry you have to go through this. You are strong to have made it this far and you deserve better! Believe that!!!
thank you djay, I understand exactly what you are saying. I don't believe he will stay sober but this time I have a clear plan of action for when he goes, furthermore he knows it so he can't say he doesn't. I am working hard on distancing myself, is that the word? No, its detaching myself from him and his problem so I can concentrate on me and heal myself
and prayers for you! I'm sure the support group will be helpful! Hang in there! You can get through this!
