My sister who is 16 is visiting me this weekend. (I'm in college). My mom wants me to have a talk with her about getting an education after high school. (She has tried to talk to her but she won't listen.) My mom doesn't necessarily want her to go to a four-year college if she doesn't want to- even a trade school would be fine- it's just that my sister said the other day that she's planning on working at the Dollar Tree after she graduates. My mother is worried that she doesn't understand the value of money and how to work for a living. (My sister has never had a job before).
So what are some things I should say to my sister? Her main issue is that she's just scared about going away to school. I was thinking about taking her to some of the buildings I have classes in on campus and showing her around. I also am going to have her hang out with me and friends I've met in college so she can see that she won't be alone. But I also want to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her about it. Any advice on what I should say?

Well It's Hard But First Of All Tell Your Sister That An Education Now In Days Means A Big Deal, And Let Her Know That Working At The Dollar Store Is Not Going To Take Her Anywhere And That Yes It Hard Being Away From People You Love But Its For Best Beacuse She Will Have A Career And She Will Also Meet New People On The Way. I Know Its Hard But Since You Mom Could Not Get It Thrue Her You Are The One Who Can Or Can't Good Luck Keep Me Posted

I would say that if she's scared about leaving home for college she could always find a school near her home and commute. Even if it's just a community college. That's what I did and I'm glad I did it that way. Plus, if she does it that way she can save on room and board. And if she decides that she's comfortable with the environment she's in and becomes more confdent in herself she can transfer to a larger college farther away.

I also think that showing her around your school is a good way of introducing her to college life. She can see if she may be more ready to leave home than he thought she was.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. I think commuting is what she's going to end up doing if she goes to school. She's 16 and doesn't even talk about getting a car or license. That's how tied down to home she is.

I guess my first question would be is "Does your sister see working at the dollar store as a long term thing?". Perhaps she just really doesn't know what she wants to do. I took a year off after high school. While everyone had great expectations of me heading off to university right away, I just didn't want to do that. I took the time I needed to figure some stuff out for myself (and managed to save a few dollars in the process) and went to post secondary school the next year. First I would ask her what her long term plans are or if she has any at all and then take it from there.

There could be a lot of other things at play too. My older sister went to university right out of highschool and I was expected to sort of follow in her footsteps. Part of the reason I didn't go into university right away (aside from not knowing exactly what I wanted to do) was because I wanted to try and set myself apart from my sister. Now don't get me wrong, my sister was and always will be my best friend, but I just always hated being expected to do everything that she did.

Good luck!

~Dee

Thanks for the advice, Dee. I don't KNOW if she wants to work there long term, but she has no clue as to what she wants in a career. So I'm sure that has a lot to do with it.
I agree with what you said at the end of your post- I think there is also an underlying issue here. My sister does try to break away from the "mold" my brother and I have created for her. We both went to great colleges, Dean's List, etc. We both are doing great academically while she has always struggled. I will be sure to talk about that with her, thanks!

I have had this problem with my little brother as well...although he has since worked things out. He is going away to a 4 year school to do a 5 year degree + 2 years of medical school combined program next fall and is really excited about becomming a doctor, applied for premed dorms etc.

It's tough being an older sibling, but I would try and act like a sister rather than a 2nd mom....let your sister feel like you are her friend rather than another parent pestering her about her future.

Also not everyone is ready for college after high school...maybe a year working at the dollartree will help her get her head on straight.

I would approach this topic from the standpoint of a sister rather than a parent. Perhaps casually bring it up while you are eating or something that mom is concerned about your future, maybe say something along the lines of "you don't seriously want to work at dollar tree forever?". Just in general be supportive and tell her that it's alright to not have things figured out.

I wouldn't bring it up more than once because you don't want to nag her and as you probably know 17-18 year olds know EVERYTHING.

I would recommend that you just show her a good time and how much fun living at school and having some independance is. Basically treat the trip like a fun weekend with your older sister. This attitude would probably go alot further than taking her to your classes and focusing on the academic side.

Catherine - thanks for helping me out. This is the tone I'm going for - casual and friend-like. That way she'll actually listen!
I was planning on brining it up at dinner- I'm going to take her to an awesome burger place they have here. I'm hoping she'll open up to me and let me talk to her though!

Here's my $0.02:

Don't try the heart-to-heart until she's about to leave. Have a grand ol' time with her, and enjoy everything while y'all are together, and then leave the heart-to-heart either the night before she leaves or the morning of departure. This way, she has time to ruminate on the idea of going to college and its benifits.


Good luck!!

Your sister sounds exactly like my sister. She's 18 now, and just starting to learn how to drive. She has a job, but works one day a week for a 6 hour shift. And, she doesn't have any plans for after she graduates.

Education is important. But, I have also learned that school really isn't for everybody. Don't push her. My parents... they literally forced me to go to school. My mom was like, "You are going, you have no choice, so pick one." And I did. I am graduating in a month. I hate my major. I hated college. And I have no idea what I am going to do with my life when I get out. Honestly, I feel a little cheated. If I had been given more time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I might not have spent 4 years of hard work on a subject that means nothing to me, and I might have been able to find something that worked better. Now, I have an idea of what I want to do- and a major that doesn't coincide with those dreams.

Just a different perspective. I am not saying college isn't important... but at the same time, pushing someone to do something that is not meant for them does them more harm than good. Good luck sweetie!

whoa I had alot of grammer errors there.

Funny story I did the same exact thing. My brother came up to visit me during "blue and white weekend" here at PSU 2 years ago (when he was a sophmore). Blue and White weekend is basically the biggest weekend of spring semester round these parts...they have the spring scrimmage football game with tailgating and all. Basically the campus is swamped and people throw alot of parties.
My brother took a bus up, I took him to the football game, and around town etc. Then Sat night I took him to this HUGE party....a 30+ kegger that a certain group of guys throws every year during BWW. I basically got my 15 yr old brother drunk for the first time. He treated the trip like, yeah it was fun...seemed pleased but not over the top enthused.
Then I come back home and find out that he had told basically everyone he knows that he went to a crazy party and penn state and drank beer. I don't know if this did anything to make him more excited about going to college but it was a fun weekend.

Also back to your situation, you really just need to let your sister figure things out for herself...you really don't want her to go to school only because her parents want her to be there...we all know these people at school and it's just not a good situation for anyone. You want her to go because SHE wants to. She will figure things out for herself...if you would have told me 2 years ago my brother would go through EMT training, work as an EMT and be excited about going to college for premed I would have thought you were crazy. Now he knows (somewhat) what he wants.

I couldn't have said it better myself! My sister who is going to be 22 in a few months, hasn't gone to college. She hasn't ever really liked school and she knew when she graduated that she didn't want to go to college. Her ambition in life right now is to have fun--she moved to Florida 6 months ago to live with my uncle and she's been waitressing since she got out of high school 4 years ago. It's not a "career" nececarily, but I agree that college is not for everyone.

In fact, as someone who wanted to go to college, I wish that all the people who didn't want to go, wouldn't. I felt like I was cheated a bit in my own education because professors have to "dumb down" the courses in order to pass people who are apathetic, not trying, and are only in college because their parents forced them.


Sorry about that bit of a rant, it's a sort of pet peeve of mine--like one of my friends on campus who has been failing classes the last 2 years, on academic probation the whole time, and hasn't been kicked out yet. Why? Because his parents are still willing to pay the school for him to be here. Meanwhile, he chooses to hang out in his apartment and play video games all day long. He probably would just have been happier finding a job that only required a H.S. Diploma and going from there.

Not attending college RIGHT after high school doesn't mean she can't ever go. And if she doesn't want to go to college, is okay with a job that doesn't need a BA, and is happy, then I'm of the opinion that people like that should be allowed to do their own thing. I stopped trying to lecture my sister years ago about college--I've come to realize that as long as she's happy, I'm happy.

Jumping in too -- sorry, I side with your sister -- she's 16, right? -- not ready to decide what she wants to do with the rest of her life -- how many people change their majors at college because they change their mind, etc.

My mother made me go to a business school because I didn't want to go to college -- I learned close to nothing and wasted a year of my life, I feel.

Without a college degree, through hard work and on the job training (okay, a few college courses later on) -- I ended up working for a lobbying firm in NY -- traveling and putting together fund raisers for multiple elected officals -- not bad for someone with a Medical Secretarial Certificate from that worthless business school!!!

You never know, after a year working at the dollar store, I'm sure she will decide she would like to move on to something else, but it should be her decision and I'm sure the more she is pushed, the more she will resent it.

Be a great sister -- listen, discuss, but don't push -- it sounds like she needs your help

I just wanted to pipe up and say that college seems to be a lot easier as far as adjusting goes when you go to a school where lots of your high school friends go. I decided to go the hard way and move half-way across the country where I knew absolutely no one, but I can understand how that would be too much for some people. My brother goes to University of Texas where half of his high school friends go, so he had an instant support system there. That's not to say that he hasn't made lots of new friends in his classes and dorm building, though... it just made the transition easier.

Also, I don't know if this is the way it works in your house, but with my parents, they said that they'd support us if we went to school. Once we were out, we were on our own... so there was a sort of financial incentive for us to go to school.

Just something that might give a different perspective. I went to college and so did my brother. I was oldest and he was next. Our sister, third in line, wasn't really interested in school--for one thing she thought she couldn't "compete" with us. But the one thing she wanted to do was ride horses. She didn't finish high school--was a credit short--but had a job riding for a wealthy couple who had a stable. She worked her way up in the riding world--and she has made more money than her older brother and sister, and loves what she does. So, sometimes college is not necessarily the thing, if one already has something they love to do.

Your sister, though, sounds like she just doesn't want to move into adulthood. Maybe the world scares her--maybe it seems harder out there than it does just living with mom and having a low-paying job. She may need encouragement to try to find herself instead of hiding at home.

So, talk with her about lots of things--likes, dislikes, what she'd like to do, etc. But keep it casual.

Jay