Okay.. I just need to vent...

So in my previous relationships I was always the person who made more money, even when I was married. Now I am divorced and in a relationship with a wonderful man. He happens to make more than me. My budget is tight right now because I bought a house and then my car went out.. etc..

My bf & I have been together for a year and a half and we are currently looking to buy a house together and each sell our individual houses... I'm concerned b/c he is so weird with money.. It's so frustrating.. I'm struggling to get by & he's fine financially.. yet I tell him that I'm struggling and all he says is.. "I worry about you"... ummmm thanks.. but how about helpin a sista out? I hate asking for help & I won't ask him... He hates that I have cc debt & I'm trying not to use my cc & pay them down.. but it's tough...

I talked to him on the phone tonight and told him that I really want to go visit my best friend in ATL and told him that I am going to have to charge the ticket and charge having my wisdom teeth removal and charge groceries the next couple weeks b/c I'm really tight right now... He said.. I mailed you a check for $25 to help out with groceries since I eat there a lot...

Are you kidding me? Soooo what the heck do you do when your bf (you are soon to live with).. and hopefully soon to be fiance mails you a check for $25?????? I'm at a loss... We have discussed money before and his stance is that he's worked hard for his money and he shouldn't be punished b/c of my debt.... wow

Okay... that's all.. for now.. just needed to get that all out....

Feel free to comment..............

I would seriously rethink just being with this guy, let along buying a house with him. If both of your names are on the mortgage you will need to work together to pay the bills, and if he is really weird already about money, that might cause some problems. Don't get yourself committed into something so big as buying a house together when he is already weird about money. I'm sorry things are tight for you now (it is the same for me), and if doesn't want to help you out, then I guess that is his decision, but he needs to think about what is going to happen if you end up getting married - your debt will basically become his debt. Is he going to tell you "tough" when you need help when you get married? I would seriously think about being with this guy, and would really reconsider buying a house with him until you have talked to him about this more.

Money differences are often the hidden bomb waiting to go off in relationships.

If you think he's strange about money now, you have no idea just how strange things will get if the two of you get married. Once your debt is his debt (because that's what marriage means, legally) he's likely to be the control freak from ****. Doesn't sound fun to me.

IMO, though, I have to say he's right--he shouldn't be punished for your debt. But it's odd that he sees it that way. Huge red flag in that phrase!

Jay

I agree -- money issues are the #1 reasons marriages fail. And when you already have money problems going in, it doesn't seem like it's the best option for either of you. I would never marry someone who has a lot of debt -- I can understand his concern. And I would, never, ever give money to a significant other, regardless of their situation. Both of my sisters got into relationships in which their husbands/boyfriends had significant debt. I never did. They both have two incomes, yet my standard of living is way higher (and I make the same as my sister and her husband and my younger sister and her bf make more). They were definitely punished by their SO's debt (mind you both of my sisters' pay most of the bills). It wasn't fair to them. I will be buying my first house this year (and I was going to go to Italy but I got ill) and I drive a new car. My sisters won't be able to buy a house or a new car because they have ruined credit (my younger sister used her credit cards to try to help her boyfriend out). It's an enormous issue to someone who thinks and plans for the future.

Ahh money... even my fiancé and I have a few issues to work out. We actually had a blunt discussion when we decided to get married about money, what it means to us, how we spend it, where our debt is right now, how we're each working to lower it, etc. And not to say there won't be fights or tiffs, but we're at least starting a basic plan of where money is gonig to go, and where it's going to come from for the time being. I also refuse to move in with him until we're married. I see FAR too many problems coming out of us living together (with money especially) before his & mine becomes "ours". Not to mention, I watch countless hours of Judge shows... (don't judge me! ) how many of those are filled with exes who have pooled their money into some big financial disaster! Scary!

It seems like you've started to discuss the money issue, but unless more of it is ironed out, I can only see this turning into a huge ugly black hole when you invest in a home together. As everyone has said, if he's weird about money now... just think it'll be 10 fold in the house you're both funding. As long as you can both talk about his being "weird" about money, and as long as you can both be open about it and how it's going to be, it might turn out to be less weird. Again, you'll both have to understand and accept how the other is with money issues before buying the house.

It sounds like you two have different money philosophies. You want to go to Atlanta, but you can't afford groceries? Different priorities. I think he sounds pretty straightforward with money, and doesn't want to encourage you to spend a lot on nonessentials you can't really afford.

I would definitely have a heart to heart before entering into a long term contract (like buying a house!). Find out what is important to both of you. I don't think he is that strange though. It sounds like he wants to help a little but doesn't want to be an enabler.

Tough situation. I hope I didn't offend you.

Since you asked for advice...

I would've never married anyone who couldn't manage their finances. If they were constantly going into debt, I'd walk away. If they had debt and were making strides to pay it off and weren't creating new debt, that'd be a different issue. Giving money to someone who can't manage the money they have doesn't solve the problem so I can understand him not giving you any money or giving you a small amount. When I found myself in debt, I slashed my expenses dramatically and used other strategies to start getting ahead of my debt. So I definitely understand finding yourself in debt but you need to get on top of it before it gets any worse.

I also think you need to sit down with him and go over expectations. Your expectations may be different. He may expect that even if you happen to get married, that you will be solely responsible for paying your bills. He may expect you to pay half of the living expenses (mortgage, utilities, etc). Unless you come to an understanding of how finances work, I'd definitely hold off on moving in together/buying a house together and hold off on any thoughts of marriage.

I have to agree with others that it would be wise to rethink the whole relationship with this man and especially the "buying a house together" thing.
You and him are definitely from two different financial planets. Once you live together (I assume you would eventually get married?) there is no such thing as his or her debt - it becomes our debt.
Have you ever discussed how it would work (financially) once you buy a house together? how are you going to pay the mortgage? Split it 50/50 regardless how much each spouse makes? Groceries - the same? I know some couples keep having separate accounts and each contributes towards mortnage, groceries and other household expenses, and each keeps the rest of his/her paycheque. I don't know - this would not work for me (but obviously it does work for other people).
Also, I think that you should NOT be going to visit your friend in Atlanta (how about her coming to visit you instead?) since you need to charge it on the credit card (plus the wisdom teeth, the groceries, etc). You already have a credit card debt and this way (by charging unnecessary expenses) you are burying yourself deeper.

Don't get me wrong - I charge EVERYTHING to my credit card (including groceries) to my credit card because my card has a good reward system, but all my expenses are fully paid by the due date each month. I have enough to worry about (financially) and I absolutely refuse to pay interest on credit cards (which is typically sky-high).

I'm one of those married folks who DOES have completely separate finances. When we got married, I did have debt. I also had a house and a car, and he had a truck. He moved in with me and we lived together for almost 2 years before we were married. It just worked out that we split the house payment down the middle, as we did with all the monthly expenses. My car payment is mine, his truck payment is his. My paycheck is mine, his is his. My previous debt is mine, his is his, including student loans. We have one shared credit card for things like vacations. We pay on it together. Works like a charm for us! We may discuss finances, but I can honestly say in the 15 years of being together, we have never argued over money.

Please please sit down and talk to your sweetie before making any big decisions. I agree with all before me - sounds like you two are different financial paths. Not bad, just different. Work out those differences now rather than waiting until it's too late.

Oh, and I also agree with the poster that suggested holding off on that trip to Atlanta. If there isn't money for groceries now (you mentioned that you'll need to put groceries on your credit cards for a while), it sounds like this is a great time to start a monthly budget. Figure out what IS within your financial means: things like the necessities, pay off some of that existing debt, then put aside some each month and "reward" yourself with a trip to Atlanta to visit your friend when you have the funds available.

Good luck!

Yeah, that.

He's weird with money because he's financially responsible while you plan trips you can't afford and get ticked because he isn't offering to help out with your money troubles?

Personally I would never be in a relationship with somebody who didn't share my attitude toward handling money. Way too many resentments and disagreements.

Before my b/f graduated we talked about money and the way he sees it is we are not married or engaged so he does not feel that it is my responsibility to help him if he is struggling. He will not ask for money from me, but rather if he is completely in a bind will ask his parents. He feels that I shouldn't be responsible to help him out. I respect this and so if I know he is struggling I will buy the groceries for that week, and things. Or I will go ahead and pay the bills and not mention it to him. That works for us, and actually we have already discussed the way it will work in the future, and we have agreed on how it will be. I think that you two definately need to have a sit down and see what is going on first before you move in. If you still have these issues on your mind and don't talk about them and then move in together you will begin to resent him for not helping more etc... and that can be a quick relationship killer. Also, sit down and see whether financially at this time moving in together would help or hinder your financial situation. Best wishes

Ok, This may sound wrong. But I think you need to rent out one of your houses (or both) and live together for a while. (after all you really don't know a person until you have lived with them) Never, Ever, sell them.That way if all fails you have something to go back to.
Throw all your bills on the table have them paid out though a bank account,work out a budget for food etc and give yourself's a certain amount of pocket money (each) to cover outings, gas, etc Cut up the credit cards.
And Yeh I know sounds easy, it does take time to get used to anything new.
Good Luck

Does anyone else think it's weird that he MAILED the check???

I have to agree with this point of view.

You are not engaged yet and not even living together. I don't think he should be responsible for "helping out" when you're spending money on trips to visit friends while you're unable to pay for groceries.

I don't think he's being "weird" with money. I think he's probably sitting back and bit and waiting to see if you are capable of managing your own finances before he gives you money that he may never get back again.

I think you might be the one who needs to reassess here.

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