PS I mean wasted time relationship-wise, not all my time!

My boyfriend, who I've been with for two years isn't always affectionate. I'm a pretty touchy-feely person, so at first this bugged me. But, it's just not how he is. He tells me he loves me, and I love him...and I believe that. Sometimes he gets in -very- affectionate moods where he's very huggy and cuddly, but most of the time he's comfortable with not being joined at the hip. In a lot of ways, he's helped me to stop being so clingy.

I think I was clingy in past relationships because I was heavier and I was terrified in some way that unless the person I was with was as fixated on me as I was on them, they would lose interest and leave me. After all, there were skinnier, prettier girls out there... But, being with Brian (and he's been with me through ALL my weight loss) has taught me that this isn't true. He's not clingy and I've learned that I don't have to be in order to keep him.

However, it sounds to me like the guy you're with is a little more than stand-offish and just not clingy...it sounds like there might be something else involved. If you're sure that you're where you need to be emotionally, and he's just not delivering in that way, then you might want to move on.

"Love" might be a word that's got all sorts of strings attached...but if you're in a relationship you're serious about, I think that the people involved shouldn't be afraid of saying it. Mind you, I don't think that being in love means perpetual butterflies in your stomach...I think that's more like infatuation or lust, I think being in love can be a comfortable, happy relationship. I think you should talk to your boyfriend about this...if he's worth taking the time to stay with, he should be receptive to your feelings about the issue.

Hang in there, hon...and don't stay with him if you're unhappy. If you know deep down you should get out, then do it. I stayed in my last relationship for a year after I knew I wanted out and all I did was waste my time/emotions and his time/emotions.

Azure's post just got me thinking... because at least her boyfriend is somewhat affectionate! DH and I used to go to parties when we were dating, and people would have no clue we were dating! He'd talk to people alone and I would too. We'd maybe hang out for a little bit together, but mostly it was time to see other people we didn't usually see. And people would find out we were dating and say "really?!?!" (We actually met on our own and ended up having TONS of mutual friends, but thats what happens when you like punk rock and meet someone like that at a show... turns out you have a lot of the same friends into the same stuff )

I just had a conversation with one of my friends about people who get into relationships and then don't talk to anyone (any of their friends) while they are in the relationship. He kindly pointed out that DH and I never did that, but we're the only couple he knows that didn't. I think it has to do with the fact that we aren't really affectionate. Well at least not in public. And I am at home, but not all the time.

When my brother met his wife, they were super-extra-sickening affectionate. They've been married for 2 years and it is like they are still in the "honeymoon" phase

My point is that everyone is different. But I still think there is something wrong with your boyfriend saying he doesn't love anyone, and you feeling like may not be meant for each other. I think you really have to search your heart on this one.

Also, don't go think that 3 years is such a long time to meet someone else and fall in love. My SIL and her husband started dating, got married, and had my nephew all within 2 years!

Well, things certainly have taken a turn. My bf and I talked today and realized we need to have an honest to goodness sit down and see what we want to do with this relationship. He is at a baseball game with his brother now and tomorrow he has softball games -so it will most likely be on Wednesday - my stomach in in knots.

I do want to clarify a few things that might give some insight into how he and I work. He is a really great guy in all other areas - so the poster that said he sounds like a good guy aside from this issue is right - he is. He brings flowers (for no reason) He makes surprise plans, cooks wonderful dinners that keep me in my diet (i think this is a biggie - so many people lack support when they want to lose weight) I know he listens to me, he has on many occasions heard me say "I wanna do this, or that" and before I know it he has it planned. He shows he cares, and he will say I love you back sometimes.
Do we talk about marriage? Yes. He even said today that we are on 3 years here and are not moving forward - and because of this there is a problem.

After reading everyones posts - i started to think alot. Maybe there is nothing wrong with him, or me - we just are not a match. It makes me sad, cause I really do love him - for all the things he does, and how much he wants me to do well, succeed at everything I do and be happy.
Funny, after typing that - I feel really selfish. He does so much and yet im not happy. I can't help it though!!!!! I need just a tiny bit more.

Then I question my needs at the moment - at the moment because right now I am having a REALLY HARD TIME. I am unemloyed at the moment - I was laid off in April - I have not been able to get a job since -this is the first time I have been unemployed - I am feeling pretty hopeless at the moment. I have never question my value as I have as of late - with not being able to get a job and gaining 25 pound in the last 2 years - i really really dislike myself. I know that that has effected our realationship. After my conversation with my boyfriend today, Im wondering how much of this is playing into the fact that I feel less loved. Right now both of us are confused. Do i feel his lack of affection more now because of how i feel about myself, or am i just finally sick of it.

Im soo glad he is not home right now - i have been crying all day.

Thank you to everyone for listening.

I think you need to examine whether it is possible for any one to meet your expectations and desires. From this last post, it sounds like he is demonstrative (do you know how rare it is for men to give spontaneous no-reason gifts?), but that it isn't enough for you. If your expectations are unrealistic, there is never going to be a perfect match out there for you.

Passionate love really does ebb and flow. My husband was very insecure when we first became engaged, because he was so afraid that I would at some point lose "that loving feeling" so to speak (his parents divorced, and quite disagreeably at that). I told him I expected to fall in and out of love with him many times over the course of our marriage.

I don't think that butterfly in the stomache, hormonal rush, kissy huggy, can't get enough of each other kind of love is generally long-lasting in most relationships. Oh, you get glimpses of it once in a while, but if you basically can find someone you can live with, even on the days you barely can stand the sight of them, then that is a successful relationship. I don't mean that cynically, as my husband and I still, in many ways are still in the "honeymoon," stage as we're just coming up on our 5 year anniversary (we met 13 months before marrying). The "passion," has cooled slightly, but we still tend to annoy our longer-married friends with our pet-names and PDA (public displays of affection).

I do firmly believe that if you "need" someone else, you're not ready for a healthy relationship. No one can MAKE you happy. If you don't like yourself, you can't expect anyone else to. Besides, even if they do you'll either disbelieve or discount anything they do or say, or wonder what's wrong with them for doing so.

One thing I think that might help is considering whether your life would be better alone than without him. If you can say yes, then I think the relationship should be over. However, if you're thinking your life would be better with someone else, you have to think about whether that "someone else" you have in mind even exists.

Just a few thoughts.

Whenever a man is fantasizing about having sex with another man, the cheerleader down the street or the paperboy he's going to feel guilty and transparent so he's going to look into the eyes of his wife and say, "I love you." with as much passion as he can muster. That's the kind of guy that says "I love you." a lot.

this thread has made me wonder quite a bit too. Basically, I'm in nearly the same boat as blueyeblond, I've been looking for work for over a year now, and the strain its put on my relationship with my Fiance has been disastrous at times, but we always seem to get through it. I used to get upset that my Fiance wasnt a kissy, cuddly kind of guy 24/7. When I wanted cuddles, dag nabbit, I wanted cuddles!

We've had talks about it. I feel more secure and I love it when he holds me, and lately, I've felt a rise in the amount of cuddle time I get.

You may need to just talk it out with him, he needs to get past his issues and confront them.

After reading more posts, it strikes me that love isn't what you say (too easy) but what you do. And not just the easy stuff (opening a door or holding a hand) but the hard stuff; the stuff someone does to help you when things are difficult.
Sounds like the guy does a lot of good things that would demonstrate love. I guess I mean love if you define it as wanting the best for another person and contributing to that. But he might still not be the right person for you. I am glad that you are going to have your Big Talk. I hope it goes well. I will be thinking of you.
jo

Sounds the same way to me! We didn't hear about the flowers for no reason on the first post Maybe it is just that you aren't compatible? I hope you are able to sort things out without too much heartbreak. You obviously love him if you've been crying all day about your upcoming talk.

This may sound harsh, and I'm sorry if it is. But....

If you're not happy, it's not worth it. Period. Sit down and really think about it. Are you making excuses for him? Are you fooling yourself into thinking you're happy? The only way to know if you're a match is to honestly look at the relationship and decide whether or not you're happy. If you're not happy now, after 3 years, I don't think it will change with marriage. Be kind to yourself and find something you really want.

LaBonita - Im not making excuses for him - that I promise.

I wish it were simly the fact that he is jerk, we dont get along, etc, That would make it a no brainer - LEAVE

Jersey - you said something that made sense to me. There being Compassionate love, and passionate love. ohhh my gossshhh - i realized that I am the only one "in love" in this relationship. There is my answer.
I dont think i really believe that he just does not feel that way for anyone and never will, does not get it - or whatever his ansewr to that is.
I have gone so far as to tell him that - Maybe its not that he does not believe in being "IN LOVE" , or he is incapable of that - it's just that that person has not come along for him. This makes one thing very clear -
I am not that person for him - he has yet to find her. Either that or he has and she is gone, and that has changed him.

I have reason to beleive he has had his heart broken. There was one girl, I know he had something with her - it is a long story. He had been single for just over 2 years when we met. And it's just that it was soooo long ago. I know that even the biggest heartbreaks heal over time.
I suspect she may have been it for him, no matter what - its just not me. Now i have to figure out how to move on. This unfortunalty is going to be my biggest heartbreak - I have even broken off an engagement (also 3 year relationship) and it did not do to me emotionally what this is. Thanks for all the help - I really do apreciate it

When you hug him he says "what?!" and says "I know" when you tell him you love him? That would be enough to get me moving on, even though moving on is hard as **** when YOU love HIM. But it sounds like he doesn't love you. Why waste any more time hoping he will change?

wow...i think jersey girl has seom strong beautiful advice. And i want to second what she said...blueeyedblone...you are BEAUTIFUL...i know you are not use to having the 25 lbs...but what little weight extra you have ...you are still stunning. It will be tough...but i think you are making the right decision. You just need to believe in your self. You need to believe you are beatiful (even if you aren't supper skinny..you are still smaller than most of us wish to be) you need to look deep inside yourself and see what the great qualities are about you...focus on your mental emotional aspects not the physical. Get your life together...get feeling better about yourself and realize what a wonderful person you are...then later when you realize what greatness you are and what greatness you deserve...you will find some one right for you. Don't freat about having kids by a certain age....trust me i've only been married 1 yr...and about to turn 34. I won't have kids for 2-3 more years since dh will be in school (and can't afford kids until he's working). Things will work itself out. First start working on yourself and your selfesteem and then life will start falling togehter...like jersey said...it will be hard at first...but like the quote always says "that whcich does not kill us makes us stronger" and trust me...heartbreak hurts...but doesn't kill. Good luck and keep us posted