Childless by choice-advice pls.
 

I know this is wayyyy of OT of any kind, but I'd like some advice. I am 28..be 29 in a few days. I'm happily married, and I'm a happy person.

We don't have kids. I'm not sure if I want kids. I don't feel that maternal sense and my biological clock doesn't tick.

Even though I"m ok with this, so many people I don't even know lecture me about how it's horrible and selfish of us not to have children.

I don't feel I should have to explain-- or defend myself to people who don't know me and only want to judge me....

Anyone else have similar experiences?

I'm just feeling a bit down about it, since I've had so many run ins with people who want to 'convert' me, even telling me that I should have kids and then my mind will change. Yeah...that's a real good reason to have children..

Thanks so much for letting me vent!

I can completely relate to everything you said! I am also going to be 29 in a few days, have been married for 4 years, and have no children. People are always bugging me about it. They always ask how long we have been married, and when they find out we have no children, they start the lecturing. I've learned to just ignore them. They want to "convert" me too...having children for the sake of having them is just ridiculous!

Yeah, I think this is one of those topics that you get to say "Mind your own darn business, we don't have to defend ourselves to you."

My mom was putting a lot of pressure on my husband and I to have kids, even though we're not in the best of health. One day we were teasing each other (very sick joke) about getting pregnant and because of all of the medications we're on, having our "squid baby," Otis (named after the elevator).

OMG, my Mom was so ANGRY we were joking about such a thing that she nearly popped a lung. Funny, though she has never brought up the subject of our having kids again.

I'm 42, married with no kids. Probably would have had one if we'd married younger but my husband is older and doesn't want to be 75 with a kid in high school. Seemed pretty reasonable to us but to nobody else apparently.

I've actually had people tell me I should have had them so that I wouldn't be lonely in my old age. Now that's a great reason to procreate; so somebody can take me to the grocery store when I'm old.

I've actually asked people how they could possibly think this is any of their business. It shuts them up pretty quickly; nobody likes being called on their rude behavior.

No advice - just another sympathizer - just turned 27 & married for 5 years now. It's so annoying...

months after we met we were being asked when we are getting married -the moment that happened it was when are you having babies!? The answer is - MYOB!!

I always want to retort... "So, the next major step in your life is death... when do you plan on doing that?!" but of course... I don't want to be rude. :D

You are not alone! Perhaps a lecture to them on why it is socially irresponsible to have TOO MANY children would do the trick? Although when it comes to breeders that are that pushy I somehow doubt it.

It's a pretty sensitive situation, in my mind. There are a lot of couples out there who are financially stable, responsible, wonderful people who would be amazing parents, but who are unable (my brother and sister-in-law are great examples). Some have spent TENS of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and other attempts to have children, and been ripped off more times than should be legal trying to adopt a newborn (the mothers in these situations have "better rights" than the would-be-adoptive parents).

For people like that, and people who sympathize with those families, it can actually seem a little painful and frustrating that other couples don't even bother. From a certain standpoint it CAN seem selfish and antagonistic, even though you obviously would never mean it that way. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to convince these people to come around, you know?

I guess you aren't required to explain yourselves to people who shove their noses into your business unasked-for, but just keep in mind there may be a painful reason behind their badgering. Not appropriate behavior, but sometimes understandable, I guess. :)

EDIT: For reference, I haven't wanted kids my entire life (I'm too selfish, genuinely, and also think I am too scatterbrained and mean and would make a HORRIBLE parent). My BF feels differently and with him I think maybe I could do it, but I'm still not anywhere near convinced! So I feel ya there. :)

Great to meet some fellow Childfree by Choice folks on TFC! Optical Goddess, that's one piece of advice I would give you: if you want to plug into online communities of your nulliparous fellows, search the web for "childfree" rather than "childless." The Frequently Asked Questions page of the usenet group alt.support.childfree includes some hilarious responses to those rude accusations of selfishness, ranging from politely deflecting the question to bawdy snarkiness. You will find in the CFC community, as in all other groups of human beings, a range of positions from the moderate "I respect others' choice to reproduce as long as they respect my choice not to" to the fire-breathing "down with all breeders and sproggen" types. Find your place along this continuum, and enjoy the support of others who have made the same childfree choice that was right for you.

Geri :wave:

X

I understand what you mean. I can't imagine having children either...I am selfish and irresponsible LOL (this coming from the girl who works in a nursery with kids age 0-4 every week hehe)...MAYBE I will adopt an older child one day, but when I tell people that I am interested in adopting they make me feel like some kind of freak "Don't you want to have a child of your OWN?"..Ummmm...an adopted child would be mine LOL. I figure there are enough unwanted children in the world..So I would love to adopt one day if those maternal instincts ever kick in.

Mary,

The adoption topic is a personal one for me, as I was an adopted child. My aunt actually told my parents that they shouldn't adopt because they wouldn't know what they were getting. My dad shut her up quickly, with a straightfaced reply of "I assume it's going to be a baby."

LOL You don't know what you're getting when you actually concieve the child yourself either! (that's what I would have told her, but I like your dad's reply alot too LOL) I really would like to adopt an older child because they have such a small chance of being adopted at all..I know they are more likely to have emotional issues that need to be dealt with...but who doesn't?

There are a lot of couples out there who are financially stable, responsible, wonderful people who would be amazing parents, but who are unable (my brother and sister-in-law are great examples). Some have spent TENS of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and other attempts to have children, and been ripped off more times than should be legal trying to adopt a newborn (the mothers in these situations have "better rights" than the would-be-adoptive parents).

This would be another reason for people to mind their own business!! Can you imagine how someone who would give anything to have a child would feel if they were asked "why don't you have any kids?" or "are you planning on having kids someday?"

the 1st paragraph is a quote from another post. I guess I didnt do it right??

I am 38 and still waiting for my biological clock to kick in; I think the batteries must be dead. I swear, at least once a week, my SO and I look at each other and say "thank God we don't have kids."

Lucikly, I don't get a lot of pressure about this; my family knows better (and it's more the norm in my immediate family to not have kids than to have them--I have two older step-siblings that are both married without kids), many of my friends my age also don't have kids, and it helps that my SO and I aren't married (despite the fact that we've been together longer than most of our married friends). But when it does come up, I usually make a joke of it. Here are a few of my favorite responses:

• We don't think we should have kids because it's all we can do to take care of our houseplants. I swear, it's always "water me, water me!"
• When I think about having kids, mainly I think about how I would punish them when they are bad. I think that is a sign that I probably shouldn't have kids. (BTW--this is totally true, this is mainly what I think about when I think about having kids).
• The only reason I can think of to have kids would be so that they could take care of me when I'm old but, you know, you really can't count on that. I finally figured out that a good retirement plan is a lot easier.

I had one friend who just would not let up. Finally, in a more serious tone, I pointed out that I used to worry that maybe I would be missing something in my life if I didn't have kids but recently I've realized that I know a lot of couples that have chosen not to have kids and that seem perfectly happy. It's made me realize that I don't have to have kids to live a fulfilled life. He finally agreed that I was right and that if I didn't want kids, I probably shouldn't have them.

And you know, it's never people that are trying to have kids and can't that pressure me about this. If anyone pressures me, it's always the people that already have at least two of their kids of their own and are always complaining about how much work they are and how much easier life was before they had kids. It's like they are miserable and they want to suck me into their misery.

I would just say or indicate that you don't think its any of their business. I've had this to happen to me too every single time I see a family member other than my mom. These questions started as soon as I announced my engagement 3 1/2 years ago. I'm now 23 and have been married for three years. I just stand my ground on why I don't have or want kids and ask to change the subject. I'm not saying that my choice to be without kids is permanent. It could very well be and it could be possible for me to have one.

I feel the same - I'm not saying I never ever ever want children - I may want them some day... but I have decided to tell everyone I don't want them because if I give them that little bit of hope - they will cling to it like a rag doll.
I actually have been feeling the urge lately - but I think it's all biological/emotional and the realities of having a child would not be good for me or my husband. Sometimes you chose for the greater good and for some people that choice is no children.

As for the people who are trying desperately to conceive they of all people should know it's nobody's business. I guess there are rude people in all groups though.

I know loads of people who dont want to have kids or are willing to highly consider adopting if they eventually do want kids. The fact of the matter is you have no set responsibility to give birth or have a kid just because you're a human being. If you dont want children, then just ignore the people who are mindlessly advocating that everyone should up and have a baby.

When people ask me about children, I tell them that I dont want any till I'm at least in my mid to late twenties. I get asked if I'm wanting to have babies and I am married at 19.

The way I think about it is that there are millions of unwanted children in the world, I dont need to add to that number. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. That's the end of it.

It also helps that for me, living in the UK, just about every girl my age has been pregnant at some point already, or even went ahead to have and keep the baby. The government here pays out loads of money in benefits to single mothers and in most cases you can make a better living as a single mother than a Computer Engineer or Programmer. They even give you free or near free housing as well.

*sigh* Its rare to go to the grocery store here without bumping into a 16 year old girl pushing a pram or with a ginormous baby bump.

Hello! I never wanted children, not from my earliest recollection. My favorite thing to do with dolls was to put them to bed and leave them there--for months. :lol:

Although I don't have them and never will at this point, I do know from others' experience that having a baby changes your whole life--especially the life of the mother. You can pretty much put on hold any ideas you had about travel, career, job advancement, etc. Your new role in life is to take care of someone else 24/7. As for fathers, they usually seem to have a lot of trouble as well adjusting to the change to the cozy little twosome they liked so much. Many like to think the kids are mom's job, but it ain't so simple! ;)

If you don't want to hear those comments about "why aren't you," you're going to have to actively tell people you don't appreciate it. Be kind but firm, and if that doesn't work, just be firm.

Jay

Thanks so much for everyone's replies! It's great to know that I'm not alone. My husband and I also have our share of illnesses, so we do know that if the urge ever does arise, we will have to adopt. We had decided on adoption even before our health came to light...but we're not ready.
I have gotten somewhat snarky w/ my replies simply because of irritation, usually I'll ask 'well, when are you?", or hte worst was ," I'll let you know when it's your business."...
When people ask me when I'm going to start a family, "I already have a family"...there's nothing wrong with having kids, but I'm not a kid person...when I was little and played with dolls, my friends would chastise me because when I'd put 'baby' to sleep, I'd lay it down with it's face in the pillow, my friends said I'd suffocate it... that should have been an indicator..but I've waited my whole life for the maternal instinct to kick in, but it's a no go thus far. Most interactions I have with kids reaffirm that they are great for other people and even in my own life, but not as my own children...and kudos to the man who said that they knew what they were getting adopting: a baby. Great reply!!

SOme of my reasons may be selfish, some are not- but to have a kid for the wrong reasons is unfair to all involved, especially the kid..

thanks again for allthe replies! I feel so much better!

I got married last year, and we constantly get asked when we are going to start having kids. My friends are having kids, married or not, and they keep telling me we should expand our family. I don't think they understand that we don't WANT kids yet. We are perfectly happy be young and not tied down by the demands of a baby. In the future, when I am in my 30's, I will probably be ready. But right now I am happy to be selfish and get my hubby all to myself...I don't want to share yet.

Just my 2 cents:
I have 2 kids. We were married a long time before we had kids (our choice) and we both wanted them. It is NOT something to be taken lightly and anyone telling you that you should just because you are married is so very wrong. I love my kids, but they have completely changed my life. It has been a good thing and a bad thing, but I'm so glad that I have them.
However, having said that, if you don't want to devote yourself to raising them and be willing to give up a lot of your own needs and desires, you definitely shouldn't have kids.
In this day and age, it is perfectly acceptable to not have kids! I think I'd give people the "none of your business" reply!

People can be idiots. A good friend and her husband struggled with infertility, and she went through all of the fertility treatments, and had several late-term miscarriages. Even mentioning children made her burst into tears, BECAUSE so many people were badgering her and her husband about why they weren't having kids. She was a very private person and didn't feel like telling everyone the gory details.

You aren't obligated to give any answer, and for those that keep asking, you aren't even obligated to be polite.

I totally am in agreement with everyone. My DH and I are childfree and when I hear the insensitive comments from people like our lives are missing something because we are childfree, or why we don't have children, I get very firm and say, "Why do you want to know?". That usually shuts people up.

I follow that with, "Dogs are just fine with us, thank you. They never back talk, say they hate us, cry when accidentally stepped on, bumped into, etc. They will love us 100 times more than any other human on this planet and would give their lives for us. Can you say the same thing about children?"

And as far as adoption goes, it doesn't matter whether a child is born from the womb or the heart, you love them just the same. I didn't birth our dogs, but I would do anything for them and love them like no other... and a lot of times more than others. :lol:

Ignorant people SUCK!!

Maybe we all should ask those people if they want to come over and help 24/7 with the wagon full of kids they want me to have and if they're going to give me the hundreds of thousands of dollars it takes to raise them, then I'll think about it for a second. Ha, nope; I'm still happier with dogs! ;)

It's less selfish to be honest and say that having kids is not right for us than appeasing what society thinks we should do.

I would never judge anyone for having or not having kids. We all make a difference in this world no matter what our families look like!

:hug:

It's funny that just the other day my girlfriend and I were talking about this very subject. She referred to another friend and said, "Sometimes I think Cheryl is so lucky because she doesn't have kids." I agreed completely.

I am 50 and I have 2 boys in their late teens/early 20's. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my boys to death, but they have changed my life incredibley. If anyone tells you differently, don't listen. They take a lot of time and money and emotional energy. Neither of my sisters have kids and they have done so much more than I have in many other ways. I'm not jealous, I am happy with the decision we made but it was our decision.

It is a much bigger decision to make then most people realize. It has to be totally your decision because you will be the one responsible for them.

Can I get an AMEN! lol. Exactly!! Dogs are great aren't they?

I work with toddlers in a nursery...and while it's OK for a few hours here and there...I just can NOT imagine taking care of a childs needs constantly...I would be so annoyed! I am annoyed just thinking about it!

I want to have fun while I am still young...I want to travel before I get 65 years old..I want to see the world! (probably won't but atleast the option's there LOL)

Even when I was a kid, I was pretty sure I would never have kids. I liked Barbies a lot more than baby dolls. I was 35 when I met my husband, and 36 when we married, and so a lot of people were telling us we had to "hurry up" and have kids (or lose weight so we could have them - I just saw on television a 600 lb woman who had a healthy baby, so assuming I "couldn't" have kids at my weight, was presumptuous and rude too).

I've never been very maternal, and with my sister's first son, Caleb, I kind of had to pretend I wanted to hold him, when I really didn't care one way or another. I LOVE kids, but I always thought babies were kind of boring. Even my younger sisters, I didn't even enjoy playing with until they were at least sitting up by themselves. Then when my sister had her second boy, Jayden, I was fascinated with him from birth, and SO wanted a baby, but my husband and I agreed that it was still not a good idea. My mom started in with the "I told you, you would regret not having kids." (This was just a little bit before hubby and I were joking about "Otis," our mutant squid baby.

Yes, I do sometimes regret that we will not have children, but it's far better to not have children and regret it, than to have children and regret it. The "potential" children have to be weighed into the equation. Besides, we can't have everything we want. Every choice you make eliminates other choices, that's just life. My husband and I get our "kid-fix," by playing with our nephews (and can give them back when we're tired) and volunteering with our church's youth and family puppet ministries.

My response, when questioned why we don't have them, is that we aren't able to have them and my medical issues preclude us from adopting. Right then, people switch from being judgmental to sympathetic. So, even if you aren't facing these issues like we are, this response seems to work really well!
When some people still push, and ask us "don't you LIKE children?", I always reply:
"I LOVE children. I just could never eat a whole one..."
The looks I get are priceless!

Frieamaya, I love the line about 'I couldn't eat a whole one'... when ppl ask us if we want to have a baby, my husband has answered," No thank you, I hear that they are very salty.".. my mom does get irritated with us when we talk about adoption, and I refer to it as 'buying a kid'.....

A few minutes ago,we were watching my guinea pig race around the floor, under chairs and trying to eat everything... we have enough trouble keeping a 2 lb guinea pig under control when it's mischeivous. we'd do real well w/ kids...
My husband said he never liked kids much, even when he was a kid. Just noting my reactions to wailing, whining and running kids when I'm at work is enough 'proof' for me.
Who knew my little thread, my entreaty, has been so popular?

I'm not even married and my friends have bugged me about children for years. (and I'm only 23 @_@)
I think I'm too selfish for a baby. there are days that I wish I had a little baby to care for, but then I remember that little babies grow up. yikes!

Also, I was a babysitter for much of my teenage years. (almost like a live in nanny in my freshman year of high school) ... so I feel like I already raised some kids, why would I want to do it over again. at 15 I had to make sure the kids did homework, did chores, took a bath, cook them snacks and dinner and get them to bed. Wake them up and get them to the school bus. and still do my own chores and homework and get myself to the school bus. So yeah...I'm tired of kids now lol.

mostly I just tell my friends, that I'm too selfish for a kid. They stand there with their mouth open. I guess that was gonna be their next line..then I always joke..."babyfood..or lipstick...I don't ever waht to have to make that choice."

my 2 cents
 

I am 36 y/o and been married 14 years. I guess no one around me thinks I would be a good mom......no one has ever bugged us about being childless. We were just too selfish and never wanted kids. Now I want them and am having fertility issues. Go figure.

I guess I would just tell people MYOB or "when it is right for me."

Kerri

Being an elementary teacher people seem to think that I would naturally want kids of my own, but I have simply never had the maternal instincts. I keep having people telling me that I would feel differently once I had my own, and when I ask them would they GUARANTEE that in writing, they soon shut up.

I had to chuckle when people asked me if I was going to have children now I have lost weight. I think they truly believed, that after 43 years of not wanting children that I would want them now. Perhaps they thought that THIS was the reason I had lost the weight. I'm not really sure.

I had someone once ask me "But who will look after you when you are old?" and all I could think was... What a SELFISH reason for having children. Mind you, this person was EXTREMELY selfish.

I love working with children, and I love having 9 nieces and nephews, and a few grand-nieces, and I love having a sweet God-daughter and spending time with her and her older sister. But I also love my own time with just hubby and me. I love not being restricted with what we can and can't do. I love just having to get myself organised before work. I love being able to come home to a peaceful home after a day with 23 eight year olds.

Good luck with your responses to these people. I'm not sure I ever felt as though I responded properly.

Zelma

I am late to this but I thought it was interesting how you said people would say you are horrible and selfish to not have kids? I think it'd be horrible and selfish to have kids you don't want.

DH and I are noncommital and we share that with others. We don't know but I think we are more likely not to have kids. DH's parents don't seem to care either way but they don't think we'll have kids. My parents hope we'll have kids but they don't harrass us much anymore. Other people don't say anything to us.

Personally, I am happy enough with my family as it is growing, DH, 1 cat, 1 dog and me.

X

My sister is just like this also, just turned 41 married for 13 years and her response is:
"I had one maternal thought in my life, and it died of loneliness" ...lol Her hubby and her are happy and whenever the subject gets brought up by someone his response is:
"We talked about it before we were married and decided that with my selfish attitude someone else should father our children"

Good luck it is a sensative subject, especially say if you have been trying and had fertility issues.. I mean it is really NO ONES business if you have kids or NOT....as long as it is what YOU both want.

When I was married, my then husband and I wanted children desperately. We did the whole infertility route and all. When I finally did get pregnant after years of trying, it was an ectopic pregnancy and had to be removed.

During that time, it was awkward because we didnt want everyone knowing our business.

In hindsight, being childless has turned out to be a good thing. My marriage ended not too long after we stopped trying, and I'm 42 now and DEFINITELY love my child-free lifestyle!

That being said...if God feels like he wants to play a joke on me and I get pregnant, I will love that baby like I had planned for it all along. I would never want any child of mine to feel "unwanted".

As I've become more interested in the childfree lifestyle, I've found some disturbing information online. There's always the idea that childfree people are selfish and hate kids. Anyone can read these posts on 3fc and can't help but notice that's just not the case.

Some childfree people are very militant about thier decision and have it out for the parents of the world, calling them breeders and thier children sprog.
Unfortunately, there are parents who are little more than breeders with how they raise thier children. but there's also millions of loving parents as well.

I have nothing against kids, parents, or anything in the middle. I just know that kids aren't for me or my husband. I think my mom will have more problems with this decision than my husband and I.

It's also very nice to see that on this thread, no one has flamed anyone else, no one has pointed fingers, and if someone were to join in with some questions, it would all go down in a civil way.

As for the people who are insistent that we should have children, they won't give up on thier decision, like I don't give up on mine.
It's not so much about what a person believes, it's how they co-exist with other people and other beliefts. Every barrel has it's rotten apples...

When I was a baby, my mom used a stroller. It had a canopy and one pocket on the back. It worked well. Have you seen strollers these days? They look like little SUV's! I saw one with a Louis Vuitton blanket. The baby's going to burp on the blanket if it's an over priced name brand or just a nice soft fleece...the whole attitude of bigger and better than the JOnes's makes me wonder if the baby really is the top priority for these people.
--end rant.

Even though I DO have kids, if anyone said something like that to me, I'd tell them "And how busy body of you to say that." Talk about horrible. They need to keep their nose out of other's personal lives. What's even more horrible is bringing a child into the world if you're not prepared for kids, or don't think you can give them the love they need. I'd just steer clear of people with that kind of mentality so you don't have to face such idiotic comments from them any longer.

You could always ask "Since we're on the topic of personal questions, what kind of underwear are you wearing?"

LOL Kaplods.. I just tell people also that I'm not ready and that I may change my mind when I get closer to my 30s. I also do the "why do you want to know?" thing. Doesn't really seem to be a deterrent with some people in my family but fortunately I only see them at thanksgiving and christmas. I just mostly ignore them.