Man Advice...
 

So there is this guy that i met in february. We met in a bar where he decided to compliment me on my dog. I was shocked - i'd been checking him out since i walked in. he was GORGEOUS. and SOOO out of my league! But we continued to talk all night, he asked for my number and suggested we go to dinner. (Uh-huh. you just met me in a bar. SSSUURREEE you're going to call.)

I totally didnt expect him to actually call - but he did! :carrot:

We talked for a while on the phone, ended up going on a group date for our first date and had an awesome time. but ended up going *way* too far.

The next morning I wake up feeling really weird about it and terrified he wouldnt call me again. (its true, isnt it?? they NEVER call back!) well he did and we had a talk where i was the first one (in a true to form protect my heart sweeping motion) to say "yeah, im not looking for a relationship... but i dont want to stop hanging out. ive got a lot on my plate right now blah blah blah".... (LIAR! :( ) to which he responded in kind "yeah, i dont have time for one. ive got my son full-time, and the marine corps, etc.... but you're fun so lets still hang out."

And we did just that, and it developed emotionally quite a bit. He tells me how much he shows off my pictures to his friends, and how much he likes me, etc.... we talked a lot and spent a fair amount of time with each other. after one particularly emotional night we slept together again. -which sent my brain through a tailspin. gah! he doesnt want a relationship! he said so! (yes of course i was lying when i said it and even if i did mean it even a little bit when i said it I CHANGED MY MIND!....) I really felt like i was putting myself in a position to really get hurt. So i emailed him a heartfelt - we cant sleep together anymore because i cant seperate emotions and sex, etc...etc... he took it extremely well and made me promise we would still be friends. of course i said yes.

and we continued to spend time together. he continued to take me out, be a great guy and simultaeously respect my wishes. ive never had a guy do that for me. ever. anytime i told a man i didnt want to sleep with him, i never heard from him again. ever.

last week, we hung out (me, him and his son) and had a fantastic evening. big shocked - after a month of being good at being "just friends". we slept together again. (this was a few days ago)

sigh.

he is out of town emergently for the next 2 weeks to take care of his sick mom, so he has a lot on his plate. since this last time, he is a little more distant. im trying to say its because of his mom. but obviously he and i need to work something out...

ok - heres my problem.

I CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT HIM!

.... but he said initially that he didnt want a girlfriend... should i approach it again? leave it be? what do i do? :(

- terrified of rejection and want advise....

:?: :?: :?: :?: :?:

Ok so you've slept with the guy but you are afraid that if you tell him you want to date then he will run?

First off, if he does has his son and you are good with him and his son then he might appreciate you as a girlfriend. Not many women deal with a man and his child well, especially around your age.

Secondly, if you are hanging around him and caught up with him but not really dating, then I don't see you as open to dating other guys so you are in limbo.

Thirdly, if you aren't dating and just occassionally sleeping together, you are simply a friend with "benefits", and do you want that? It doesn't sound like it.

If he runs, then I think that is for the better, if he doesn't run then you are dating a guy you like.

you cant get what you want unless you let him know what it is. Maybe he was lying too.

Rejection is painful but not fatal. I would tell him that you have feelings and want a relationship and if he still says no, just friends, then say "sorry, but friendship isnt working for me" and cut him out of your life

In the end continuing the dance will be more painful...its like ripping off a bandaid. If it is badnews...just get it over with

(easy for me to say ...right?)

It sounds to me like you are already his girlfriend. He may very well have said he wasn't looking for a relationship because you said it first. His seeming distant now, may be because he doesn't think you want to get serious. Let him know how you really feel. He may feel the same way.

Oh Kate! Thank you for sharing this. It truly made me smile. I know you are going through a lot of angst right now, but I really enjoyed reading this and remembering way back to that time of passion, emotion, excitement and the resulting (darn it) insecurity. I've been married for 20 years and am in the midst of being mom, so this stuff is way behind me!!

I actually do have a little advice, though!! I think that you're going to have to be a little careful with your timing right now with his mom being sick. He probably has a lot on his plate. But, I have a feeling that he has grown in his feelings for you, too. I don't think you're alone in this. So, my advice is to be honest with him. I think you need to tell him how you feel, that you'd like to have a relationship with him. If he is totally opposed to it, then you'll know. To me, not knowing and worrying about it would be a lot more difficult than possibly facing a "rejection" of sorts. My gut feeling (and I do have a substantial gut!) is that you won't be rejected! What he said initially may have nothing to do with how he feels now.

Good luck!!!!

I agree with the rest, let him know "friends" is great, but you wouldn't mind if it eventually moved on to more. No -- "I want to jump from friend to girlfriend this minute" if he isn't ready for that, but that you are very open to that option. If he is allowing you to spend time with his son, I have a feeling he wants the same -- good luck!! He sounds like a nice guy.

Yes, the guy said he didn't want a girlfriend-- in February! It's been a long time since then, and your relationship has had time to grow into something that it sounds like you both value a lot. I say just be honest with him-- maybe he just said he's feeling the same thing and is upset that you said you didn't want a boyfriend, and he'll be thrilled when you open the door.

how does he act with you when you go out?
Does he treat you like his sister, or are there little touches, and gestures?
You can usually tell by their eyes if they are all about it or not. If he lights up when he sees you I would say he just said that initially and he does want to date you.
If you're unsure and you don't know how to broach it, I would say something like...
I think I'm starting to fall for you so we're not going to be able to be bum buddies anymore as it's getting too complicated emotionally for me..we could try dating or we could end evertyhing. At this point, I don't think I can "just be friends".
Well not those exact words, I would beat around the bush a little more, but that's pretty much the effect of what I would say :)

Let's see...

You've met his son.
He's showing off your picture.
He's respecting your wishes when it comes to having sex, but he's up for it ('scuse the pun) when you're up for it.

What's wrong with this picture? Your insecurity! Woman, he is dating you. He let you know he was going out of town to take care of his mom, right? Honestly, what would be different if he was officially dating you? Probably nothing. Accept it. Enjoy it. When he gets back, let him know you want something more. He does too. That's why you've both got something more, that's why you're both doing something more. He hasn't said anything you haven't said, and you said it first. Men guard their feelings too.

You've slept with him and you want him.

Just go for him, guys tend to say they don't have time for relationship or anything but most of them ended up in relationship anyway.

The problem is the son, are you sure he's ok with the idea of your presence most of the time ? get along well with his son and you stand better chance getting him.

FIRST and foremost, the fact that you hung our w/him and his SON, is major. I don't care if you're "just friends". Alot of people I know, will not bring anyone near their child that they don't have feelings for (unless, of course it's in a group setting). But it was just you, him and his son. He really likes you (you have to say it all sing songy! hehe).

Here's my story in a nutshell. I was just like you, not wanting to get hurt, I had a wall around my heart, etc... Well, I met this guy at a BAR and he had a daughter (still does), we talked all night the first night. He called (surprise!) and we went out again, went way too far. He called again, we went out again. Then on the 4th of July about 2 weeks after we met, he proposed to me. Six months later on New Year's Eve we got married! We've been married over 11 years. We have 5 kids (my SD that I mentioned earlier and then we had 4 together). So Please, break down that barrier and let it out girl! Either way, right now, you're just torturing yourself.

I ditto the others. I think he has a thing for you, too. And why shouldn't he? You're gorgeous and smart and fun-loving! I have a good feeling about this for you....Continue to be there for him and with him and listen to your heart.

I have nothing to add, other than that I am keeping my fingers crossed for you! Best of luck!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

you guys are awesome. i really needed this reassurance! i know to come to my girls here when i need advice!!

in answer to a few peoples questions...

yes - its a lot of gestures. he will always put an arm around me, or a kiss to the top of my head, offer an arm when we walk or just walk across the room away from his friends for a second to tell me im beautiful and go back to his friends. he is amazing.

he didnt introduce me to his son for a while. then it was a group setting and his place. after that, we all hang out together. put his son to bed, watch movies, and in the morning, he crawls into bed with us and its saturday morning cartoons.

i get all the right signals, but... i dunno.

i'll wait for him to come home and talk to him about it.

im petrified, but im so hopeful! he is great, his son so smart and such a good kid... :)

im pretty much smitten.

Well, here is some advice from a GUY old enough to be your father. #1 Guys will say they don't have time for a relationship too, when they really WANT one...we don't like to be hurt either. #2 Guys can really~really want to honor a girls wishes of no whoop-ee but if given the chance we CAVE! Although at your age I believed that pre-marital sex was no big deal, I totally disagree now. Guys think they are IN LOVE sometimes when they are "gettin' some"...my advice to you would be to talk to him about your "future together" when he returns from being with his mom (at the right time of course)...if marraige IS NOT in the picture, I say go your sepearate ways, it isn't fair to his son, his son will learn to love you then WHAMMO! you end up leaving the picture for some reason or another. And my advice...stay away from the sex...if you both can do that AND still care for and love each other after a year or so then I am pretty sure you will have a great life together! Good luck to you both and prayers for his mom.

**update**

so he is still in detriot... i am picking him and his son up at the airport tomorrow afternoon.

i talked to him on the phone the other night and asked him what his plans were when he got back. he rattled off a few things including "i have a friend coming into visit me for the holiday weekend."
... so i asked him who the friend was.

"she is a very important woman to me."
"oh... just a friend?"
"she is more than just a friend to me. but she'll only be here for 5 days."

....

gah! now i REALLY dont know what to do. is he expecting me to be ok with stepping back for some other woman to come in for 5 days and then just coming back in like nothing happened? because we dont have a spoken committment do i even have a right to be hurt by this?? should i even still talk to him about some structure in our relationship or should i let it go???
someone told me that if he actually liked me he wouldnt want to see this woman anyway.

:( :(

figured i'd say whats up and vent a little. back to the single fat girl drawing board.

Okay, so just my uneducation opinion --

One of two things -- he's doing what girl would do -- telling you this to see your reaction....

or you are both right where you started after your beginning conversation of "just friends".

I still say go for it -- you'll never know if you don't and regret is a horrible thing. Don't you want to settle it? Maybe this person planned a long time ago to come and visit who knows? But, unless you put your mind to it and have "the talk" -- you'll never know where you stand. He could be waiting for your to make "the move" and then he will reciprocate!!!

Ask him if the 3 of you can hang out together...see what happens then.

Yeah--what EZMONEY said! Good idea.

He had a life before he met you, and as you've noted, you don't have a commitment at this point. So... it's a tough situation, but don't jump to any conclusions.

I don't agree with the person who told you that if he liked you he wouldn't want to see this woman anyway. Life isn't like that. It could be that he's going to tell her about you. There is no way to know.

But I do like EZMONEY's idea.

Jay

Sorry to jump in, but I had a thought.

Maybe its the boy's Mom. Planned visits are a normal part of custody relationships.

karwie

Funny, I was just thinking about this last night and meant to post and ask you how things were.

The only thing that bothers me about this situation is that you are picking up his son at the airport. That's a very relationship-like thing to do, so at first blush it appears that he gets the benefits of you being a GF without any of the commitment. Thoughts?

nope. this is a woman from tahoe. we have really open communication about his son's mother who lives in NYC.

i like ezmoney's idea too.... in theory. i really am no good at going head to head with a woman over a guy. i get upset and frustrated. the way he said it to me and the tone in his voice. i have very little doubt she is coming out of a romantic thing. if i go over there and she is kissing him, calling him baby and is otherwise completely blind about me - i'd be even more of a wreck than just thinking about it!

i'm going to talk to him about it tonight.... i hope i have the guts! like, it hurts me a lot to have him sleeping and spending time like this with another woman. it would hurt me and my self respect even more if i pretend like nothings wrong at all and it doesnt bother me just to let him have his cake and eat it too, you know?

:( :(

I think you realy need to be honest with him, preferably befor this other woman shows up , I think its likely that he said he didn't want a relationship just because you said it first. So I think its up to you to tell him how you feel, He won't b/c he doesnt want to be rejected either. It's posible he's making more out of this other woman situation to see how you react if you let him think you are fine with it he will take it as a sign that you dont care. If he truely doesnt want a relationship its better to find out now befor things get even more complicated and someone gets hurt.

You could tell him that the fact you're experiencing emotions related to this "other woman" thing made you realize you'd like something more. This is a great opprtunity and, unless, he's an idiot, he's expecting you to say SOMETHING about the situation.

If I understand this correctly, you told him first that you didn't want a relationship and I bet he just followed your lead.

If it's any encouragement, my fiance and I both told each other for four years that we were too busy to date anyone and I finally- in a fit of frustration about the shallow end of the dating pool- demanded that we date each other. It still took almost a year to get him to go on a date! Neither one of us wanted to admit what we already knew. We'd wind up married and happy and isn't that a horrible fate ;)

Sweetie, don't ever lose your self-respect for any guy...if you have to, then for sure he isn't worth it! If he is sleeping with the other gal...because he just wants to be friends with you/her and whoever...fine...(although I don't believe it is fine)...and if you are still interested to see if there is a chance for both of you to be together at some point...as long as you are willing to allow him to play the field while you wait....then fine...but don't you sleep with him! If you do...he has no reason to stop "playing the field" (if he is)

Good luck to you...Gary

Sorry to be nosey, but the suspense is killing me -- how did it work out after he got back, I hope everything went your way!!!

Call me nosey, too. I'm curious!!

ditto...hoping for good news!

.... no good news to be given.

brought it up to him, talked about the woman coming in to see him, etc...

and his answer was "i adore you, i think you are phenomenal woman. but lets not kid ourselves - you're not a keeper for me. she potentially is."

......

i walked out.

You are a much better woman than I am, I would also have walked out, but not after potentially slapping him across the face for being such a user. You should be proud of yourself not only for bringing up the topic but for your composure in your exit. I'm sure it was painful for you, but better to learn now than to continue to be used ("been there, done that") Hugs to you!! I feel very bad for his son, obviously he does not consider his feelings when bringing woman around. Just think, unfortunately you have to come across a few losers to truly appreciate "Mr. Right" when he arrives.

Wow. Well, I am sorry because I know that must sting, but it is good to know now rather than after you have been hanging on for even longer. In reality, you both had an agreement to a "friends with benefits" type of arrangement so, while he may lack tact, it isn't unreasonable for him to feel as he does. His wording sure sucks though :mad:

Please, guard your heart! You are worth so much more than just being a "booty call" or "bed buddy", if that is what you want!

I have to say that I have found (through a few silly, impulsive, lonesome-fueled choices in the past) that it really helps to wait before being intimate until both parties are clear about what they both are looking for (and if the other is close to being what they want).

Soulbliss -- I totally agree with you -- unfortunately, I learned the hard way but, with age comes wisdom -- right :D !! A break up is difficult but more so when you've given so much of yourself!! Lessons learned the hard way are the ones that stick with you the most!! Chalk this one up to experience and now you know how "not" to start the next one. Completely out in the open -- I like you "as a friend" or "I'm looking for a relationship" -- neither of which have to come with "fringe benefits". Good luck to you -- you are such a beautiful, intelligent, giving woman -- when it's your time to find that special someone, he will be AMAZING!!!

:( :hug: :hug:

thanks guys.
ugh.

I'm so sorry! I guess we all wanted the happy ending. But, then again, this may be a happy ending in the long run. May not seem like it now, but it is good that you kept your dignity and walked out. Good for you!

I agree, better to know now then to find out later. I was in a similar relationship and it broke my heart and I never really recovered from it. In the end I just felt used and abused and insulted... and nobody deserves to feel that way.

Take care and know that you're better off.

No waaaaay! What a putz. Kudos to you for your good communication skills, and for holding your head high and getting out. I'm sorry it turned out sad, but better to know now. I hope you're holding up OK and being a wonderful and beautiful KateRN!

Kate I think you are absolutely gorgeous. If I was a dude, you would TOTALLY be a keeper. I can't believe he would say something like that. I would have slapped the dog poop out of him LOL.

Meh - what a jerk. And how juvenille to employ the term "keeper" in such a serious situation. If he didn't think you were a "keeper", he shouldn't have introduced you to his son. That's really unfair to the little guy, because I'm sure he's confused by seeing these different women merge in and out of his father's life. He sounds lame. Be glad to be rid of him. He may have been hot, but looks aren't everything. I'd take an ugly and hopelessly devoted boyfriend over a stuck-up prick anyday, if it came down to that. :P

Kate--I am so sorry for your hurt, I just had the same conversation with a girl at work that is alot younger than me. This guy did the same thing to her, they were really close and then he very rudely let her know she was a "booty call" and there was no future. She additionally lent him money. Now it's several months later and he called her about paying back the money. She is going to see him this weekend and all her friends including me are telling her to have him mail a check. This guy is older than her and very smooth. She is a very sweet, cute girl and deserves so much better and you do too!