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help! obsessed with someone :(
I know this is so far off topic..and I'm sorry. But I have no one to talk to about this ..
I been married 9.5 years to a wonderful man. We are happily married, one child. I have never once even so much at really glanced (sexually) at another guy, let alone fantasize about him. But..lately over the past 3 weeks I am obsessed with this young guy (much younger than me!) He is the age of consent but not yet the age of majority :o I'm so embarrased to even type this. A part of me wants to make a move so bad and I've spent 3 weeks trying to talk myself out of it. I will only get to see this person for another 2 weeks and never again..so if I get thru that I'll be okay. but a little piece of my brain keeps telling me to come on to him the last time I see him. Now or never, you know? I'm embarrased, ashamed, and feel like a horrible person..except I'm always in a good mood lately and even my dh is telling me to quit smiling and staring at him ..lol (actaully staring into space) What the heck is the matter with me? :?: |
Natalie, it's OK and even natural to have an occasional fantasy about another person. But, my advice would be to keep it a fantasy. It sounds like you are happily married and this could really screw up your life and the life of your child. Sometimes it definitely seems like that other grass looks greener but that usually isn't really the case. Be thankful for what you've got, many others would envy your current life. (and rightfully so). Hugs. Honey, it's not your brain that is telling you to act on this, it's your hormones. So, ignore them and try to channel all that hormonal drive onto your DH. He'll appreciate it.
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You are living in fantasy land, better leave it there. Do not jeopardize your marriage for a one night stand. No good can come from it.
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You're right, I know.
Hubby and I have a nonexistent sex life..we have done it once in 4 years (tmi, I know) seems like he is never in the mood?? That kinda makes it worse. I was propositioning him all last week but nada.. and this other person is practically half my age! He probably wouldnt be interested, anyway..I'm much older than him... |
I just wanted to add that he is the hottest thing I have EVER seen in person..
He is incredibly appealing :) omg.... :( |
So go ahead and do whatever you want with him...as long as when you open your eyes, you remember you were just dreaming the whole time. Maybe that would get it out of your system. You just have to keep things in perspective. Is he hot enough to throw away your whole life? I doubt anyone's that hot. ;)
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I will say I don't understand. If you are having marital problems then why not talk to your husband? Maybe go to counseling? Why go to an outside party?
Would you feel better having a fling and then the guy disappearing and you never see him again? I don't think you would My vote is work on your own marriage. |
ooh, you almost had me there with the first half of that sentence..lol
Thanks for the suggestion, I actually have been thinking about him (very vividly) for the past 3 weeks already and I can barely finish a sentence.. Dh actually said "so, how was he?" referring to ds and I said "who?" ...I will try to sit on it and keep my mouth shut for the next 2 weeks.. Has anyone here had such strong impulses? I never had for someone "in person" and I must say its taking a big test of wills to keep acting appropriately. Hi Nelie, Just saw your response. Actually, we 're not having "marriage problems"..usually the lack of desire is not a problem as I'm rarely in the mood too. I just posted that as someone advised me to molest dh instead of the other guy, lol I've counted my blessings many times that I have a dh who isn't always pressuring me for action, as I am frequently sick and a lot of men wouldnt understand.. |
I really just meant if you have sexual desires that DH isn't fulfilling, then I consider that an "issue". Counseling can sometimes help as well as just talking to your husband.
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Originally Posted by Natalia: Anyway, I'm not the person right now to be giving you advice because I too have had wandering eyes lately. A LOT. I mean, hey, it happens. My partner as well has had wandering eyes. And even went through with it a couple of times. Some people get to have all the fun :rollpin: But there ARE questions I ask myself when I'm thinking of someone I wouldn't mind being with sexually - if I'd do it, could I look my partner in the eye again? And how would I feel about myself afterward? So maybe that will help if you ask yourself the same questions ;) |
Didn't we just have this thread?
I am going to take a deep breath here because I am short on sleep and probably not as jovial and kind as I usually am. Know that I am saying this from my heart and this is exactly what I would tell my sister or best friend. Are you willing to throw away your family for a two week fling? Seriously? Get a vibrator and talk to your husband. Your boy-toy desire will pass. Treat your family with some respect. I bet they love you and hold you in some esteem. Live up to that. |
Has your husband had a physical checkup recently? It is possible that there could be a medical reason for his lack of desire.
h |
I don't think that makes you a horrible person. Having a crush and fantasizing can really do wonders to make you feel alive again-- it's fun and exciting and gives you something to think about! But the thing is, if you acted on these impulses it wouldn't be fun and innocent anymore. He'd leave, and then you'd be left with nothing more than feelings of guilt. Be strong!
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fantasies are ok. But they need to be left at that. Part of the issue that you may be obsessed/fantisizing about this guy is that you aren't being fufilled sexually. Trust me, most of us look. Heck i look on a daily basis LOL. But that's where it ends. I love my DH and trust the world to him...as he does with me. No man could meet DH's love, compassion, friendship, and support that DH meets. And a silly stupid sexual fling is not worth ruining what an awsome marriage i have. But i also have to admit, DH and i have a great sex life..now don't get me wrong..we aren't "Getting it on" everynight of the week 2-4-7. We work and are tired. But we do find time to meet each other's needs, sexually. And yes, i occasionally think about an exBF that was the hottest..and i do mean hottest thing i've ever dated...and tmi occasionally fanasized about him. But that's where it ends. I have too much love/respect for DH and don't want to ruin something with a stupid fling. And that's all it would be. For pete's sake (and this is meant in a silly funny tone..not mean spirited)...as midwife stated...pull out the vibrator (or get one if you don't...trust me well worth the money) and do yourself a favor. It really maybe what you need right now. I would also talk to DH about why the sex is gone...but DON"T be nagging that will just send him racing. ****, maybe you plan a nice night for DH....send the kids to a babysitter, get a nice sexy getup and show DH a good time. But for pete's sake...snap out of it. Its a guy legal but probably way too young and get over this silly obsession or you could potentially ruin your marriage. Do you want to do that??????????
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Ever considered talking to your DH about an open relationship?
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Natalia, are you able to learn from the experience of others?
I was in a position like yours many years ago. A few details were different, but let's just say I was with one person and this other person was totally attractive. And, I went with that. The result is what you might expect--ruined relationships in all quarters. A very, very big mistake and NOT ONE YOU CAN UNDO. If you think you can't control yourself, then stay away from him for the next two weeks. You may have regrets later, but they won't be the worst regrets you could have had. Jay |
Originally Posted by sockmonkey70: I don't think my dh would be into that. He's very "old-fashioned" in that dept. It took a lot of coaxing to even get some BDSM going! lol:) Plus, since I've been acting a tad different lately, it might strike him as unusual I'm asking for an open relationship at this point .. I'm sure I would probably freak out the poor kid anyway, lol |
Good point,
re- the regrets. Were you only with the good looking guy once? Is it a better idea to remain faithful in a relationship with someone who is more like your brother than a sexual partner you lust after? The living together , and parenting part is great. But something is lacking. The sexual chemistry seems to have vanished..and I just thought a tiny event with guy 2 might be just what the doctor ordered. and I know it's splitting hairs and irrelevant amongst women, lol But I wasn't planning to go "all the way" with guy 2. Only service him. But, I know that is still cheating. |
Was just throwing it up there as an option. I think it is possible to love someone very much, but just not be sexually attracted to them..
It would take two VERY openminded people to have a successful open relationship though..The jealousy issues would be a big thing... |
Maybe you and the hubby can take some sex counseling classes? I know they have those somewhere out there...
But trust me, from experience - cheating never turns out good. I am still with the man I cheated on but I cant look at myself the same way. My self-worth has decreased and the feeling of shame and disgust haunts me everyday... |
PurdueGal- does dh know?
was it a one time thing? |
I know how you feel. I also have a non existant sex life with my spouse. I also have fantasies but leave it at that. My first husband cheated on me and I remember the pain too much to be the cheater. Beside I think fantasy has a way of being much better than the real thing turns out to be.
You risk a lot if you decide to cheat. But good luck in whatever you decide. |
yes he knows. I told him the next morning! Yeah, it was a one time thing.
I felt better when I told him, but the horrible feelings never go away. And I know it's haunting him everyday too. He will get sad about it a lot. I'll ask him what's wrong and he'll just say, "Nothing," but I know that he's sad about the cheating. Our relationship will never be the same. I really advise you to NOT take action!!! It's not worth all the pain on yourself and your loved one. |
You said he was half your age, your 30 that would make him 15 isn't that against the law!!
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Originally Posted by Natalia: If it's not something you can tell your husband about, then don't do it. Also, you may think you can get by with just never telling your husband, but that will not work in the long run. What would your reaction be if you found out your husband had acted on an attraction like this? "Honey, I had this tiny event... you don't mind, do you?" :dizzy: It is better to stay faithful to your vows until such time as the two of you mutually decide to end them. That's just my humble opinion. Jay |
you guys are right, I know.
Today was a bit better, I just kept thinking about how nasty he was ...and it's kind of hard to explain but I finally had "opportunity" and didn't act on it at all. (I didn't know I was going to be faced with that today..) As for underage, I don't know his exact age but I know he's in grade 12. The age of consent here is 14. So I know he is over that..but still very young compared to me! Its just weird becasue I feel like it was just yesterday I was in HS myself... |
Originally Posted by Natalia: A lot of relationships have people who report sexual interest waning. You can either try to spice up the relationship or even seek outside counseling to help. It could help you get that spark back. My personal belief is to always remain faithful. If you can't do that then you shouldn't be in that relationship at all. |
ok sorry to be blunt but GROSS!!!!!!!!! i know he may be attractive and he may be of legal consent age in your state...but come on now. he's a freaking minor. Knock some sense into yourself, please. He could be your kid if you had kids at an early age.
I think you should go to counseling both you and DH. I think a relationship should have both love and sharing but occasional sex, otherwise ppl start wandering or thinking. You both need to find to make yor marriage work. If if can't then maybe think about should you be married? Definately get some counseling...it sounds like you both need it. |
ok i thought he was over 18.... stay away from them under 18...
open marriage can work. trust me. as can age gaps. my husband when i was 30 was 19.... (not that i knew him then) |
Originally Posted by ladybugnessa: In any case, I agree with nelie--if you can't (or even don't want to) remain faithful, then you likely either require counseling or an ending of your current relationship. |
Originally Posted by Natalia: |
Um, so what exactly do you have in common with a high school student???? This isn't about anything other than physical attraction, so get over it! Life and love are choices, nothing more. If you love YOURSELF, and you aren't happy in your current situation, then by all means, get help, get out of it if necessary, and find someone more age/experience/lifestyle appropriate! I mean, aren't you a bit embarrased about desiring someone who can't even have a beer legally yet? YIKES!!!!
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Oh, Natalia, I have so been exactly where you are. And my obsession lasted 2 full years! I was certain there was a spark between us, that he was my soul mate -- and I know he liked being around me. Fortunately, time passed and with hindsight I could realize that it was exactly that -- an obsession fueld by my fantasies, my reading all sorts of stuff into the most innocent things, talks with my best friend. I loved being alone, so that I could daydream about him. What it is, really, is a crush.
The deal is that it is a very dangerous thing to let your (and it is YOURS, not his) obsession get so overboard that your focus causes you to diminish what's real. Even if it were a possibility, it wouldn't be good. You know why? Because the obsession feeds itself, and when (heaven forbid) you actually get what you think you want, it just ain't up to snuff because it is the obsessive nature of it all that gives the zing. Sometimes these things are the unfortunate result of hormonal and life changes superimposed on what else is going on in our lives, such as boredom, depression, our children growing into different stages, wondering if we are still attractive, craving some well-deserved attention, dry spells in the marriage, you name it. And it is really surprising how many women actually do experience this, just like you, about somebody so totally inappropriate. And that's another thing. Sometimes we obsess on somebody so inappropriate precisely because it keeps it closer to fantasy than reality, and we can hang on to this thing we've created. This is not to say the May-December thing is non-exisent, nor that soul-matings have distinct parameters. But it is odd if not downright bizarre (eg, Mary Kay LeTourneau), and it is unlikely. And it is almost always wrong. For him, and especially for YOU. Stick to movie stars. Safer. |
chipchump, thank you so much for posting.
I feel you really get it. I have had obsessive crushes on guys in the past..tho they were roughly the same age as me at the time..the biggest one for 3.5 years.I would drive by this person's house hundreds of times.. It took them going away to university for me to get over it. |
to Maya, yes of course I am embarrassed! and ashamed! But I posted that several times already here..and to make me feel even more desperate and pathetic probably isn't going to help.
Part of the creep factor (for me) about Mary Kay LeTourneau was she was his teacher, there is a huge air of impropriety there. And can't you only get put in jail if the person is under the age of consent? But. I 'm still going to ignore every fiber of my being and stay away from him..thats the plan :) |
cheer up !! the 2 weeks will hopefully fly by . just get on an excercising kick and release the stress and frustration you must be feeling . :hug: ;)
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Thank you, chocco!
Today was severe. but I didn't touch or speak to him even though he was leaning way over me for like 5 whole minutes and I was so incluned to say something. You see the obsessive freak in me was thinking that of course he wanted me to, since he never was in that location, leaning over me before..and that he was all about it.. But then I tried to think it's just my imagination and I'm sure it was all totally innocent. Maybe he didn't even notice I was there? It is going to be a loooooooong 5 days..(don't see him again til next week) |
Originally Posted by Natalia: You see - Crushes are really quite NATURAL. I'm accustomed to experiencing them. Some last a few days, others last weeks or months, even. But my marriage stays on course. I'm happily married SOMETIMES. Other times I swear I could throttle that husband of mine, he can frustrate me so with his procrastination, etc. :club: But OMG how I love him! :goodvibes: My advice is to remember that crushes, fantasies, attractions - they come & they go. Marriage - even when not perfect (& who's is, right?) - can be so fulfilling, because when we realize that even if our FEELINGS may change, that's when commitment kicks in. And also remember while crushes are very consuming, they're temporary. And love is a CHOICE. :hug: |
Originally Posted by Natalia: Originally Posted by Beach Patrol: |
Originally Posted by Beach Patrol: |
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