Absolutely agreed - 100%, but unfortunately I don't think he's capable or willing to do this, and therefore it's up to his mom to make that child feel loved, wanted and special. Without making excuses - just telling him like it is - that his dad loves him and makes mistakes sometimes, yup he should be doing this himself, but again it's probably not gonna happen and for the sake of her child's well being she needs to step up to the plate (in my opinion, that is). Everyone has to decide for themselves what they think is best. We are not living in her situation and it's up to her decide what she thinks is best. I just wish her a lot of luck

Thank you all so much for your replies, I appreciate them.

As for making excuses for dad, somebody's got to. I'm not going to let my son sit there alone in his room crying because he thinks he's not getting anything for Christmas.

Now, I agree that the optimal thing would be for dad to sit down and apologize to his son for what he said and tell him he didn't mean it. But trust me, that's not going to happen. So it's up to me to fix the situation. Again. This is NOT a new thing going on.

I don't lie for him, I simply tell my son that what he said isn't true. I sat with him last night and gave him plenty of hugs and kisses and eventually had him laughing again. I can't stand to see him heartbroken and I'm not going to let him fester in those thoughts waiting for dad to come forward and apologize. Because it's never going to happen.

Here's another example....

He said something else to him just this morning. Dad asked my son to pick up his cereal bowl and take it to the kitchen. My son (obviously not wanting his own father to tell him what to do) said, "You're not the boss of me!" And dad said, "Oh yes I am, according the law and if I don't carry OUT my job of being the boss of you, they'll come and take you away and put you in an orphanage."

Do you see what I'm talking about here? And yes, I've talked to him and have told him he needs to sit down and have a talk with that child, but he never does. He won't. So I'm not expecting it to happen.

Again, thanks for the replies and a special thanks to someone who PM'd me some links to read. I could go on about the things dad has said to my son, but it won't do much good at this point. I think you all get the general idea.

And I need to add something here: he's (dad) is going out to do some last-minute Christmas shopping. He came up to me and forced himself on me, kissing me and trying to make me kiss him. I didn't want to. He did this a couple of times, trying to hug and kiss me. My point here is that he knows how upset I get with him, but then he blows it off and acts like nothing at all happened. Why does he think I want to be intimate with him AT ALL right now? It just makes me so damned mad.

So this is why an apology to my son is never going to happen. And why it's UP TO ME to make things right.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: to you and your son--I feel your pain. I am glad your son has a mom who can make him laugh and feel special. It's so good to make him aware that it's his Dad's problem and not his without making it seem what Dad did was okay and can be ignored.

BTW what craft did your son make in school this year. I have painted wooden Christmas trees, reindeer made out of papertowel rolls standing on cotton balls for snow, several stocking and ornaments. The kids tell us we are tacky to put them out but I love them and it always makes them smile that we still do.

LLV, I know you don't want relationship advice so I'm going to say this without sounding too much like that's what I'm doing...

My dad was much like this. When you didn't "obey" his wishes or when you just annoyed him for whatever reason kids annoy parents, he'd try to say the meanest most hurtful thing, to try and make us small and him feel big. Even just the small daily things of being called "stupid" and "idiot" for basic things children do, really hurt.

But the part I remember most is wondering why my mom let him do this to me. As early as 10 years old, I started telling my mom I hated her, every single day, usually multiple times. Yet she had never been the one to actually say anything mean to me. But deep down somewhere, I knew she was the one who let this happen to me. As an adult, I will still often have dreams of actually physically beating up my mother in anger over her sitting back and staying with this man who treated me & my siblings so poorly.

Eventually, my dad cheated on and divorced my mother. And although the divorce was confusing to me and rough at times, I think the emotional scarring of watching a very unhealthy relationship go on and on day after day, was MUCH worse. It took me YEARS of crappy relationships to finally realize I didn't have to carry on my mother's torch and be with some jacka$$ who didn't respect me.

That is of course, just my own humble experience. But children aren't as ignorant as we may hope they are. I think it's VERY good for you to sit down with your son and say "daddy gets angry, and when he gets angry, he says mean things, and it is WRONG for him to say that. You are a wonderful boy and I love you no matter what you do, even if you are naughty sometimes. That's what boys and girls do. Their mommies and daddies still love them, even if they get mad and say bad things sometimes."

I don't think that is letting the dad off the hook as some other posters seem to think. Your son will truly believe he DESERVES those comments, if you don't tell him otherwise. He isn't old enough to just "blow off" dad's comments for himself. Kids worship their parents and believe what they tell them. You don't need your son believing he's worthless and about to be put in an orphanage at any moment.

This post stirs up a lot of old emotions for me, so sorry if I've typed a bit much.

Oh, all kinds of things! My refrigerator and the fireplace are shrines to all of his Christmas decorations ;)

He'll bring them home and say, "Look what I made in school today, mommy, do you think it's pretty?"

And I always say, "It's beautiful! Let's hang it up somewhere!"

So yep, have little decorations of his all over the place. And to me they're the most beautiful ones of all.

Not at all, and I appreciate your comments very much.

My 'hub' went through years of verbal abuse by his own father. Which is why I'm doing my best to understand him. And I've sat down with him before and have said, "You just can't be SAYING these things to our son, you just can't. Remember how you felt because of the way your father talked to you; don't make the same mistake with your own son."

And he'll sometimes say, "I know, I know, I don't know why I say those things and I'll stop doing it."

"I'll stop doing it."

I can't count how many times I've heard that.

His father used to call him "dummy" all the time. And to this day, despite how intelligent and ambitious he is, he still believes he's an idiot. And I'm SO terrified that these things he says to our son is going to scar him for life. I don't want my son growing up feeling inadequate because he was told he was by his own father. I'm trying my best to raise a good kid to care about other people and instill values into that child. And I can't help but feel that when his father comes along and says these horribly demeaning things to him that he's undoing all that I'm trying to do.

My hub grew up miserable because of the things his father said to him. And I DON'T want my son going through the same thing. But I can't always catch him (hub) ahead of time when he says these things and by the time I intervene, it's already out of his mouth and the damage is already done.

I also just noticed your weight loss, LLV. Congratulations!!! That is awesome!!!

I don't have any advice or opinions that I feel haven't already been shared by others on this thread. I just want to thank you for sharing your story and wish you well and good luck in your journey..

you have opened my eyes to something in my own life, and I think I needed that. thank you.

Thank you :)

Sometimes it takes seeing it from the other side to realize your own situation ;)

Linda, I don't know how it went XMAS morning, but I hope your boy is alright.....

LLV - so true...

I hope your holiday went well.

I also could not stop thinking about you and your little boy. I hope you guys had a marvelous holiday. And that your son was pleased with what Santa brought him......and everything else as well.

Linda: I'm so sorry you keep having to be the peacemaker. That can get so tiring sometimes.

Would your "H" be agreeable to counseling for himself? If he truly wants to stop the cycle, he needs professional help. It sounds like his childhood was pretty crap, and I know that he does not want to intentionally inflict pain on your son. He needs some new tools to work with to get rid of the crap tapes in his head and get some new ones playing so the cycle can stop.

Hope your Christmas turned out okay!

Linda: I agree with Jen. You're husband needs to work out whatever issues are making him bring this on to his family. You and your son don't deserve it and you know what? Neither does he. Maybe it's some sort of mid-life crisis or relationship 'itch', but he sounds unhappy with life and HE needs to work that out with or without your and/or a counselor's help. I know, you didn't want relationship advice, but I think your relationship with your husband is the root to all the strife. This not being YOUR fault, but what I see as your husband's unhappiness. This may even be a Christmas thing...the holiday season can either be an exhilaratingly happy time or a devastatingly depressing time. Maybe he's got something going on that you don't know about...problems at work...a financial situation that he doesnt' want to bring to the table. Work it out, sistah! I know you can!! And you'll all be happy for it in the end.

Oh...and kudos to you for sticking it out and sticking by him. Lots of women would have left by now. I'm like you...for better or for worse. Even though you're not married, I think you know that working it out and sticking together is what's best for your son...and you and your 'husband', as well.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

All I have to add is that empty threats will eventually catch up to your "hub." Your son will eventually learn that his Dad makes outlandish threats to scare him, but rarely follows through with them. He will learn that he can get away with anything because he has you to lean on.

I have always adhered to the notion that if you threaten, you have to follow through, otherwise the child wakes up to the fact that you are nothing but hot air. For example, say your son refuses to clean his room. You threaten to not allow him to watch his favorite TV show that night if he doesn't clean it. If he doesn't clean it, you hold onto the threat and do not allow him to watch the show. Conversly, if he does clean the room, you then thank him for following your request and make sure he gets to watch his show. But, it would be wrong if he were to refuse to clean his room, to threaten him with an outlandish threat that neither you nor your "hub" have any intention of following through with (like selling all his toys and his bicycle and not allowing him to have any friends over for the next year). Maybe it's a stupid example, but I think you get my drift.

My DH would occasionally make outlandish threats to my DD and I finally had to sit him down and tell him that he cannot threaten to do something that even I would not allow him to do. There was a time when he would threaten to take her out of school and move her to another school district. I felt that it would do no good to move her and refused to let him use this as a threat. These threats were generally over simple chores that were left undone. I sat him down and made him realize that the threat has to match the infraction, and that he has to intend to follow through with the threat. Your "hub" saying that your son will be sent to the orphanage is a good example of how his threats do not match the actions of your son.

I hope you are able to make your "hub" understand how wrong he is to do this to your son before your son starts really acting out.