I've finally done it -- for two weeks in a row, I've weighed in at what I once told myself was my "ultimate" goal weight of 105 lbs. That means 30 lbs below my highest weight. But this isn't just a celebration.
It felt incredibly weird, seeing that number on the scale. Looking at my body in the bathroom mirror, naked, and being able to see faint ridges of abdominal muscles, the edges of hipbones, and pouches of flab on my lower abs and thighs. To see everything photoshop conceals: cellulite; ribs.
I could post a happy goal post celebrating all I've achieved. I lost the weight naturally without calorie-counting, eating 1500-1600 calories a day and exercising 300 off. I've gained in psychological well-being and increased energy from running, yoga, climbing, biking, and occasional forays into "sports". Shopping my own "skinny" closet is a pleasure. Some days, I catch a glance of my reflection and I'm shocked by how I now have a body I used to envy.
But there are downsides, too. I don't want a life of counting calories or avoiding my favorite things. I don't want to always be looking forward to my next meal or my next pant size. Most of all, I don't want to be thinking about my body as "imperfect", seeing the pinches of fat I will always carry instead of an overall figure that is healthy and functional and, yes, attractive.
There are two stories of how I made it to goal: One is the story of how I learned how to diet responsibly through trial and error and a lot of bad days. How I learned the calorie counts of everything, how I stopped eating out of boredom, how I learned to be ambivalent about cookies and excited about exercise. The second is the story of saying "no", of binging on entire boxes of chocolate, of wondering whether I should purge for more than one split second before catching myself at the edge of sanity and reaffirming positive promises to myself.
As I begin a commitment to maintenance, I want to remember and be held responsible for both the good and the bad. Health is good, obsession is not. As "featherweights", it's far easier for us to be on that line than most women. Achieving my "goal weight" is nothing compared to staying there, happily, with a positive relationship toward food and fitness and myself.
Not a typical "Goal" post
