[CousinRockingChair]

Guys, I need to go on a detox this September.

(I'd say *from tomorrow*, but I'm a wimp no longer..its from NOW. Its the last day in August after all!)

Free from the following:

-Obsessively reading ED/weightloss literature
-Obsessively spending time on ED/weightloss sites
-Weighing myself every morning
-Gazing at *inspiring (very) thin pictures*
-Obsessively reading selfhelp books


I love the support here at 3FC and I don't think its reasonable to expect a 100% cold turkey thing, so I'm going to limit my time here to 15 minutes a day. But that aside, none of the above.

For 30 Days.

I honestly think I need to do this. I'm 5ft 7ins and 130lbs. I am FAR from *fat*. But I am so embroiled in my eating disorders/obsessions, I need to practice living a life without it.

I'm absolutely petrified. I'm not kidding. This has been my life. Yes, I have boyfriend/family/soon, university/other interests, but this is what CONSUMES me.

I know, and have known, for years, all the correct and healthy theory regarding nutrition, EDs, depression etc. But this is my first real shot at...wow, thats sad, isnt it, after so long ...trying to give up this addiction, because thats what it is.

I'm not a food addict, I'm an ED addict. Not for much longer.

I don't know how I'm going to get over the loss of my *118lbs dream*. I don't think I CAN, so at least I'm trying to amend my actual actions, then my thoughts will follow?

In the back of my mind I still hope I'll lose weight, how can I make that go away?

There will be no dietry plans or restrictions at all in September. I will exercise, because I think its healthy and is a good timefiller.
I've said *a month* so it doesnt feel quite so scary, like I'm looking into an abyss, which is what it feels like anyway. I have a problem. A big big problem.

I know perhaps *detox* is an inappropriate word, but I've tried so much, I'm just going to dive in. I'm going to have to plan my days more so there isnt TOO much of a void

I'm not even really scared of gaining weight, because eating decently isn't that hard. What I'm scared of is not having my own system by which to validate myself. I'm scared of having to change my life.
emily
xxx

[modkittn]

Good luck, we're behind you all the way! Don't forget to log on here if you feel like you need some support, though

[HeatherAngel]

Good luck, Emily - I think it sounds sensible, but be kind to yourself You KNOW not to expect 100% - good girl! Why not allow yourself an hour of self-help book reading a week, if you find after a week that you are missing it - you'll still have cut right back and be looking after your emotional health.

Let us know how you are getting on - fifteen minutes a day gives you time to post to us!

Thinking of you -
Heather

[phantastica]

I know exactly what you're saying. I, too, have felt like I lose weight only because I'm being obsessive about it, and that's not a healthy thing to do either.

[Mudpie]

Good luck Emily

I think you already have a bunch of other things in your life (your list includes boyfriend, family, university, etc.) so you should have lots of things to fill the gap.

And you know where we are

Dagmar

[thinnythighs]

i know EXACTLY what you mean. i'm the same way. i don't fall under anorexia or bulemia, and don't have a huge fear of fat...but i still have an ED, it's just " uncharacterized ", meaning the thoughts and behaviors are not normal regarding food, but don't fall exactly into one category. i also have the fear of not knowing who i really am without the ED because it's become a part of who i am. Ok, that's a lie. It has become who i am. i just hate to admit it.

It's the behaviors that go with it that i'm trying to recognize and change. Like cutting everything i eat ( no matter what it is ) into tiny pieces and not " getting it " why others are staring at my plate. It's become a normal thing for me to do. Or having a closet full of size 4 clothes and continuing to buy more even though i know i'm a 10. The gazing at pictures of thin people, and comparing my size to every woman that walks by me to see if i'm bigger or smaller...bad things to do. But i do them.

So, i'm with you on this one, and am trying to change also.

[CousinRockingChair]

Well, I HAVE kept off diet/ED sites (aside from 15mins/day on 3FC of course!) and havn't imposed any diet restrictions or whatever. I do calorie count, but only on automatic. I'm trying NOT to, and I have NO forbidden foods, but its ingrained for years...

emily
xxx

ps. may as well confess..I;'ve lost 3lbs since last week that were only water fluctuations, but the point is i know, ie I weighed myself must hide scales? yeah...could be agood idea

[CousinRockingChair]

no selfhelp books either though which is good, normally i cant go one day without! ditto thin photos.

emily
xxx

[stiebena]

Good luck Emily!!!! And congratulations....this sounds like a hard and scary journey for you, but YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

[JessP]

CousinRockingChair,

You posted a message to me on the support forum. I too feel the same as you do. Every waking moment of my day is spent thinking of food, dieting and losing weight. I really feel like dieting and my weight loss efforts have almost ruined my life. It has really drained all of my self-esteem. I feel like dirt most of the time and cannot get weight loss off from my brain. I've tried giving it up a few times while reading a few Geneen Roth books. I'm too scared. What will happen if I stop, will I gain alot of weight? I don't know, but I'm willing to try again and end this viscious cycle. It sounds like we have a very similar goal. Would you like to buddy up for emotional support? If you want to go it alone, I understand. If you would like a buddy, let me know!!! Good Luck

[maalisse]

Hi CousinRockingChair,

I don't normally post in Featherweights, but I followed you here from another thread where you referred to this post. I just wanted to wish you the best of luck and send you my strength. It's a brave thing that you're doing, and we know you can do it! Take care!

[CousinRockingChair]

Aww thanks guys!

Im hanging in there ..

emily
xxx

[alinnell]

Best of luck to you on your detox endeavor!

[CousinRockingChair]

I'm not doing badly on everything aside from weighing myself! I still do it once a day...I HAVE to know.

Otherwise I literally freak out. argh
emily
xxx

[stiebena]

Perhaps this is one of those things that you need to make changes one step at a time? You're headed in the right direction!!! Maybe give yourself a little time to get used to the other changes you've made in your life first, and then worry about the weighing Good job girl!