I just read the thread about the "spoons" (I usually hang out in another area of the forum.) For two years now, I am at war with my body. I was 138 lbs (3 lbs from goal! grrrrr! ) in Sept 05 (see my avatar? Taken in August 05) when I re-injured my shoulder & that halted my exercise program immediately. Through months of therapy & so forth, I only gained about 15 pounds, but then guess what? Not one but TWO herniated disks in my neck... and more therapy, & more pain meds, & it just got worse the longer I was away from exercising (mostly treadmill and weight lifting). Then, at 168, I slowly began exercising again, and lost down to 152...on my way to my 135 goal again!

...then all **** broke loose for me. Discovered a serious condition - "pulmonary embolii" - essentially blood clots in the lungs. I am on a blood thinning medication now, and some of the side effects are really driving me crazy. The #1 being that I have little to NO energy. I am just SO TIRED all the time! I work full time, and by the end of the day, I can't WAIT to get home & crawl into bed! I've TRIED to exercise, but I just don't have the energy. About 15 minutes is all I can handle... & really, that's not doing me one iota of good (in the weight loss arena.) I am sleeping around 10 hours per night, & on weekends I take a 3-4 hour nap in addition to my extra sleep.

I am now fluctuating between 170-180. I'm wearing size 14s & terribly unhappy about it. But the worst part is when family/friends expect me to just jump up & run with them downtown or come out to this party or go for a bike ride, etc. I JUST CAN'T. And they don't seem to get it. Then add to that the snide remarks that I've gained all that weight back that I lost two years ago... and well, you can see how it would be hurtful.

Right now, I'm just completely ANGRY at my body! - I've been a healthy person almost all my life, until around age 35, things started happening. I mean, I hardly ever suffered from the flu or anything - I only threw up twice in my childhood! - TWICE! - and now every stomach bug that comes around, seems I end up with it. I've had SIX surgeries in the past 9 years, each one for something different. I've gained & lost 30-40 pounds about 6 times. I was a very thin teenager & quite athletic thru college & my 20's. I stayed around 118-126 pounds & always had energy, and ate well & exercised, never smoked or did any drugs, only drinking socially/occassionally... and now? I'm almost too tired to give a damn anymore. And I am just SO ANGRY at my body, for letting me down this way!

Yet all I can think about is FEBRUARY 2008. Doc says I should be able to get off this medicine by then & hopefully gain back some energy, & maybe be able to exercise again. But I need surgery on my two herniated disks; I can't have surgery while I'm on this medication. It will take about 2 months to recover from the disk surgery. I may not be able to start really exercising until around June. So I'll face another summer... fat & miserable.

I'm sorry to be such a downer in this thread. But really... I am so angry at my body right now. I don't know how to fight this feeling.

That's for sharing with us your pain---all of it!

This may not be much consolation but being patient is probably going to be something you will have to learn throughout this process.

I have been told that everything happens for a reason. I am not too keen on that explanation either but it seems to be the only one that I can think of at the moment.

I have had setbacks myself in the past couple of years where I was carrying around a lot more weight than you and I couldn't really do much because I was so sick from other physical ailments. It was a miserable time.

"First things first". Take care of the ailments that are screaming for your attention and when the doctor gives you the okay then get back to doing all you were doing before. I think this is just part of life. And, life after we lose weight. Just because we overcame one hurdle doesn't mean there will be no more hurdles to overcome in the future! That is one fallacy about losing weight. That life will be 'WONDERFUL" after we lose the weight. Life will still throw us some curve balls so matter whether we are thin or fat. Life does not discriminate about things like that.

Do what you can and bide your time. This too shall pass.

Beachy, I knew we were rotator cuff twins but didn't realize we were back twins too! Yeah, I've got two of those lovely herniated disks too, along with two areas of "severe stenosis". And I'll be getting a new knee this winter due to no cartilage in either knee. Like you, I've had seven surgeries in the past five years -- been there, done that, got the Tshirt. I hear you on not being able to exercise -- it totally sucks. And having to "come back" over and over again gets really old after a while. So I truly feel your pain.

The only way I've been able to keep from regaining weight during my lay-offs is to really dial back on my eating and sticking to plan 1000%. It's so hard not to fall into the trap of comfort eating, I know! And it's a lot harder to create the necessary calorie deficit to lose without exercise, but at least maintenance is possible.

It's easy for a doctor to just say "don't exercise" and that's what they all do as a knee-jerk response to an injury or surgery. But my response has been: "I'm sorry, but that's not acceptable. Help me find alternative ways to exercise" and so far, they all have. It takes more time and makes them think, but there are ways to exercise around almost any injury or surgery. Physical therapists can also be helpful if you're working with one. My advice is to just refuse to take "no exercise" as an answer and seek out alternatives.

Like Monet said, even just walking for 15 minutes can be a great start. Not only are you burning calories and conditioning your heart, but it's the best medicine for the anger you feel at your body. Exercise can integrate your body and mind back together and help you feel like you are working with yourself, and not against yourself, if that makes sense.

I really understand your anger about your feeling like your body is betraying you and letting you down. I get endlessly frustrated with my physical limitations too, but just can't give up. Beachy, as the Patamga so wisely said, this too shall pass. Please don't give up and give into anger.

I completely understand being angry with your body, and I'm sorry this is going so painfully for you right now. Is there a way that you can love your body, too? Your brain is powerful, in ways that we don't necessarily understand, and "I HATE YOU!!!" messages are certainly being internalized.

When I was at my heaviest, I still loved how clear and bright my skin was, and I kept it clean and moisturized. I still loved my hands and my long fingers, and I kept (keep) my nails clean and trimmed. I tried to keep reminding myself that although I have minor disabilities from a car accident, I am still breathing, I am still strong, and I still have all 4 of my limbs. I'm going to go on record and say that I refuse to believe your ENTIRE body is bad. Please try to find the bits you like, and take care of those. It could go a long way to helping you feel better.

Oh, and try to ignore people's comments. They don't know what they're talking about, and every time they open their mouths it just gets proven again.

When I first started dieting I also exercized at the gym 3 times a week and then I broke my shoulder it still hasn't healed. I had to stop my exercise but I walk a lot. I do therapy for my shoulder but it does nothing for weight loss.Walking has been savior for me.

Thank you EVERYONE - it really is a help just to get that "you can do this no matter what!" attitude. But a special big thanks to MEG, because you DO know what I'm facing here.

I have to admit, part of the aggravation is that even tho I KNOW it's not true, my mindset is still "oh quit being a whiney baby & just follow your food plan!" even tho I know there's so much more to it than that. It takes some sort of mental effort to keep reminding myself that my HEALTH has to come first here, and that losing weight MUST REMAIN a secondary goal (at this time.) And I think, for now, at least, all my mental effort is going toward "not feeling sorry for myself" (if that makes any sense!) and just trying to get thru each day.

I'm so exhausted when I get home from work, all I want to do is SLEEP. I'm not used to that! - I used to getting home, doning my work-out clothes, grabbing my MP3 player, & hitting the gym for 1.5 hours! And I haven't been able to do that in about 2 years, and I'm starting to feel like I'll never be able to do that again.

But I know, deep down, the process of losing weight is part diet, part exercise, and ALL mindset. Just right now, my mindset is not there, and I feel like I'm in a dark hole & can't climb my way out. But the rope to climb out is RIGHT THERE! - if ONLY I could SEE/REACH IT! ..... yup, that's how I feel.

You guys keep dangling that rope in front of me!!! Ok?? Just keep reminding me that THE ROPE IS THERE! At some point, I have to grab it & climb. And when I can, I will.

TO YOU BEACH ~ and I know you need that! Like others here, I have gone thru and am going thru similar issues as you. Look at my weight; but I wasn't always this big. Your avatar looks a lot like me, many times in my life: so what happened? LIFE ~ that's what? I know and feel your frustrations, even today.

Someone once said, 'When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and just hang on!' For a while you will just hang on, then for one moment, you will reach out and start climbing again, like you said.

I don't know all your physical problems; but if regular walking isn't enuff, maybe a few minutes of speed walking in your home could give you some short bursts of aerobic exercise; and how are your legs? Can you ride an indoor exercise bike? That burns mean calories; you could start with just five minutes and work your way up. I am also on blood thinners, as I have a similar blood clot problem as you: only I will be on them for life.

Yes, I do get tired and I take one nap a day (about one hour); and like BARGOO says, walking can be your saving grace: start there and pep it up a bit. This shouldn't aggrevate your shoulder or neck discs. We also do some indoor dancing (or sliding, as we joke); that burns lots of energy. Can you find a friend or partner to do this with you? My Dh and I do this together and we always end up in a laughing fest, cuz sometimes we play silly or funny music; and even put the mode at the wrong speed just for fun.

I just know, that if you put your mind to it, you can find some ways around these problems. Try to be more flexible and forgiving of yourself: all is not lost! Where there's a will; there's a way, BEACH! Keep looking and try new things ... and new ways ... ROSEBUD

Coming in kind of late on this.
Agree with the thoughts that you do need to prioritize your health first.
If there's any way you can do 5 - 15 minutes before you sit down or first thing in the morning, you'll have a better chance of success than after you sit down at home.
Thank goodness if this had to happen that this all started when you were at your low weight, cause think where you'd be if it started at your high weight. Also, the fact that you're making better food choices probably limited the weight you have gained. And you already know you have what it takes to (re)lose it.

Best wishes.