Hi everyone, I am a fibromyalgia gal who is being accused of being rude because I am not attending a party this weekend. My brother-in-law is having an evening 50th birthday party (and is moving out of the area for a job) and I'm trying to make them understand why I am choosing not to go. I have been in a LOT of pain lately and even with my pain pills, I am in bed by 7pm resting. Plus I know they are going to have TONS of food there and when I'm in pain I tend to eat off my diet (the last time I went off a diet also involved a party with my in-laws...it's SO stressful to be around them...they fight all the time...and I overate and didn't look back until I had gained back 50 lbs that I had lost). My hubby really wants to go, but he doesn't want to go alone...and says I'm being selfish by not going. Am I being rude but putting myself first?
You know, there is a prevailing sense in our culture that it is wrong to 1) have feelings, 2) take care of ourselves, or 3) not be scheduled to do something at every given moment. I've taken to a certain exercise whenever I'm feeling this kind of pressure. I basically repeat one of the following to myself.
1) I am the only one who gets to decide what to do with my time. It is my decision, no matter what other people think.
2) It is ok to be tired/angry/sad/etc. Those feelings are part of being human, and I am allowed to feel them.
3) I don't need to justify my decisions to anyone.
It is a VERY hard cycle to break, trust me, I know. But no one requires an explanation. "Oh, thank you so much for the invitation, but I'm afraid I won't be able to make it" will suffice. And if they ask why, "I just can't make it, so terribly sorry, hopefully we can get together soon!" Or, with your husband, "I just can't do it this week. Sorry!" and if HE presses or asks why, "Honey, I really can't manage it this week due to XXXXX, but maybe you can invite so-and-so to go with you".
This will be weird for people, because if you are like most of us, they are used to you sucking it up and going wherever or doing whatever they want. But eventually they get used to it.
Fibromyalgia is most often a disorder of trade-offs. Unlike many other illnesses there is often no clear line between what you can do and what you cannot do, so often other people (and sometimes even we) get confused. Can I do it? Should I do it? What will be the result if I do it?
My husband is very understanding, and in some cases knows my disease better than I do. He will be the one telling me not to overexert myself on a day that a storm is due (weather is a big trigger for me, don't know why. Maybe it's barametric pressure, or temperature changes, not sure).
I don't know how long you've been diagnosed, or whether your husband understands fibromyalgia, or whether he's just throwing a tantrum because he wants to go and wants to go with you (not judging him, my husband and I both throw tantrums regularly, it's part of being human and wanting our own way so badly we forget about the other people involved).
My husband often does encourage me to go to church, go to family gatherings... and sometimes that encouragement is positive and appreciated (and sometimes not so much). Fibromyalgia pain can become a reason to isolate yourself, so do think about whether you are wanting to go, but afraid to because you might have to leave early (this was always my fear. I didn't want to go anywhere in case I got tired or ditsy, or in pain and had to leave early). If that isn't your issue, and you just don't want to go (even if it has nothing to do with fibromyalgia and you just don't want to go) I agree that you need to "just say no."
One common denominator I see in people with fibromyalgia, is that often for years they have not listened to their bodies, or have ignored them. I really think 10 years of sleep deprivation played a large role in mine. You have to take care of yourself, and you have to pay attention to the specific pattern you have to follow in order to do it to maximum effectiveness. If your husband has a hard time helping you do it, then information and counseling (with someone familiar with fibromyalgia) could be helpful to you both.
If this is just an isolated incident of him pouting because your condition is ruining his fun, give him a hug and tell him you understand, but you have to take care of yourself even if it's inconvenient for everyone else, and then you go rest.
You know your body. That's what FM is all about. You have to know your limits. My mom has it and she's always pushing her limits and she ends up being tired and in more pain the next day. You know this already. If other people can't understand that, let them be ignorant. When they're ready to be understanding, then you can have a conversation with them explaining your limits.
In the compromising vein: Could you go for 30 minutes or an hour and then head home? Take separate cars so your hubby can stay longer.
How much is FM and how much is that you don't trust yourself to eat properly at the party?
This is your husband's brother. He turns 50 once. He's moving out of the area. Even one horrible evening's binge won't make you regain 50 pounds and wasn't what made you your largest size in the first place.
MariaMaria, does have a good point. As I mentioned FM for me has been a system of trade-offs, but this does sound like a fairly important family event. It may not be on par with a wedding or a funeral, but what are you trading it for. Is fibromyalgia the real factor here, or is it that you don't care for his family, don't want to eat too much, and basically just don't want to go. If that is the case, at least be honest with yourself and your husband about it. Honesty is important with FM, because if you let it be your scapegoat too often, people really do begin to treat you like you're the little boy crying wolf.
You do have a couple days to plan, so you definitely could minimize the impact of this event, or make it a short one. I don't know if you've been prescribed Provigil, or if fatigue is even part of your symptoms, but for me, it's been a godsend for special events. It's an "alertness" medication that really helps me with pain and fatigue. Some people use it as a daily drug (though it often loses effectiveness over time, if used this way), but I use it just for special events. Personally, I don't ever use it more than two days in a row, or I tend to have a rebound effect and am in bed for days. If you're not already on a strong narcotic medication, you might also call your doctor for a small amount of a stronger pain medication, specifically for the event. I am on tramadol (it works a little bit like an opiat but isn't a narcotic) and if I am having a very severe flair, I can take a dose of darvocet with it (and I know some fibromites who are prescribed much stronger narcotics both short and long term). If you only take the meds as prescribed and only as much as you need to to control the pain, addiction is not a problem (dependence can be, but that just means that in order to stop taking the medication you have to back off it slowly instead of going cold-turkey).
The choice is ultimately yours, and there will be consequences to any decision you make. If you decide not to go, you probably will offend some family members and hurt your husband since it seems to be important to him. I don't think you can make it unimportant to your husband and his family. Some of them will understand, some of them won't. Even if they understand, they still may be hurt, so you have to decide which has worse consequences going, or not going. And if you decide that you will go, plan ahead, so that you are in control of your actions.
Thanks for everyone's advise...but the decision to go or not was taken out of my hands when my dog came down with diarrhea Friday morning. She wouldn't eat or play...just laid around..so I know she wasn't feeling well either. Made up some plain white rice with some chopped up chicken (as per Vet's suggestion) and hand fed it to her...she's doing a bit better this afternoon...wanted to play...but I have to stay with her...cleaning up her mess and cleaning up her...poor thing her butt is so swollen red and sore!
Vet said to give her 48 hrs and if she isn't better to take her in...
My hubby might still go to his brother-in-law's party though...although he's worried about Pumpkin too...he's been helping me by holding her while I put cold compresses on her backside to reduce the swelling, and to kind of numb it so it doesn't hurt so much....but she still cries when she has to go potty.
It really tears me up.
I don't think you were being rude, just taking care of yourself. It might have been nice to put in an appearance in deference to your BIL leaving and your hubby's understandable need to be there for his family, but it's also understandable that you need to take care of you.
Hard decision but you do need to care for yourself.
I've sometimes not gone to things because I don't trust myself not to ruin my weight management effort. This is especially important and understandable when actively in the losing stages and when success in losing is very important and we are focused on that (which is good).
Fibromyalgia & "being rude"
