I am so depressed and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. My cycling has been SO even since I started losing weight and exercising. Exercise has been really good for my anxiety as well. But, I suppose that there is always going to be a time when my bipolar rears it's ugly head.
Now is one of those times. For the past 4 weeks, I've been exhausted. I fall asleep at my desk at work which is something I never do. At first, I thought it was due to the fact that I increased the intensity of my workouts. Then, I thought it was due to my period. Period came and went and I was still exhausted. I've been irritable and I have been cycling like crazy. Well, I came down HARD on Monday with the worst depression that I've had in quite a long time. I mean, yesterday it was actually extremely uncomfortable to even move a muscle. I just wanted to sit and stare off into nothing. I tried to work out when I came home, but it just didn't happen. I was actually almost brought to laughter because I was so depressed. It was absurd! How could I be feeling like this and as an adult who knows her body and her illness inside and out, not be able to do ANYTHING to lessen the effect?
I hate being depressed. It's even worse because I have absolutely nothing to be depressed about. Yet, I am and I'm trapped in it. There's no way out, I just have to ride it through to the other side. I love when people say, "Cheer up!" Little do they know, I would give ANYTHING to cheer up, but it's just not that easy.
I go to see my psychiatrist tomorrow because whether it's my mood stabilizer or my antidepressant, something is very wrong. I mean, have any of you ever felt like this....that you are so ******* depressed that it physically hurts to move? I swear, I'm just living life in a daze...it feels like someone pulled an opaque sheet over my eyes. I hate having to go to work and put on an act, a fake smile. Because you can't use the excuse of "I have Bipolar Disorder" to call off of work. People just don't understand. And as much as the world around us is getting more laid back and more accepting of things, there is ALWAYS a bad stigma attached to mental illness. That's just it, people are afraid of what they don't understand.
This just really, really sucks.

Hang in there until you can get to your therapist. Honey, I know exactly how you feel about being bi-polar. I am 35 and suffer from the illness myself and it does suck at times. I agree with you - working out and eating has helped me through the years and will start helping again since I just started working out two months ago and dieting - started this month.

I agree with you, I have had not just a day but weeks of not wanting to get out of bed and not wanting to move a muscle. Going to work took everyday and putting a smile on for everybody is my second name. I agree that nobody understands the illness, how many times have I heard - Pull yourself up by your bootstraps - I hate that more than anything. If we had cancer or diabetes we would get more understanding then we get, that is the hardest part of the disease.

You are in the right place mentally - sounds like you know when you are cycling and that there is a problem and that is 80% of the battle with this disease. Is knowing what is going on with our cycles and picking up the phone when needed to have our meds checked. Please feel free to email or IM me if you need a cyberspace hug!

Hang in there and I will put you in my thoughts and prayers.

moshi moshi
call me supitaru. i'm a bipolar disorder too, and i think i know how you feel.
i will surely not going to say "cheer up" or "get up" ... because it just not going to work; i think.

Maybe it's a great idea to find a great psychiatrist.. mine prescript me this medicine called Topamax. but i just get even depressed when i took those.

Well from my personal experience ... i would do anything that will make me feel better. at least so that i will not trying to commit anymore suicide. or just to wait.. until my mood changes by itself...

Best of luck for you guys.. nice to know that we share something similar... at least we're not alone

I work with someone who is bipolar. There are times where she was so difficult to be around and no one could work with her. Then there were times when she was fabulous and everything was smooth. When we learned she was bipolar, it was easier to understand her and it actually made working with her easier. We knew what she was living with and trying work like the rest of us. She is way up or way down, and really never in the middle. But we learned how to work to gether and it is now second nature to us.

I think people can be understanding of your situation. I know I am, and I wish I could cure you. I am thinking of you and hope you are back on the up soon!

It doesn't help, but I know how you feel. I've been feeling so great since I started eating right and losing weight, and I'm dreading the day when the depression comes back. It's an awful feeling.

Be good to yourself right now. Be gentle. It's good that you know what's going on, you can deal with it much better knowing that it WILL be over with.

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to move or anything. My husband has never understood how it's so hard to get out of bed or do a small sink full of dishes or even a load of laundry. It's miserable and you can't even begin to explain it to someone that doesn't know.

Hope your visit with the pdoc goes well. Hopefully your first change in meds will work out for you and you'll be feeling better soon!

Hugs
Kim

Just a little note, my sister is on medication for her depression and is also seeing a psychiatrist. What she found out with a new doctor is that the medication she was taking was causing worse depression because of the time of day and scheduling of her medication. Talk to your doctor about this to see if with your lifestyle change (ie, exercise, diet, etc) you might need to reevalulate the medication and the timing schedule for taking it daily.

I know exactly how you feel- it's like living in slow motion. My physical symptoms were so bad pre-meds that I was being tested for MS- my arms and legs felt like they each weighed a ton and it took all my effort just to breath. Sounds like you're getting medical help, which is good. Hang in there.....

I truly understand how you feel. I have bipolar, and I lost two years off my life to it. The depression is almost indescribable. I'm not minimizing others pain here, but it's not just "a bad week" or feeling down because of work/friends/relationships or whatever. Getting out of bed most days is just too much to deal with. Everything else makes you want to hide or cry. Or both. You feel... heavy. I don't mean in the weight sense, but you feel like a ton of weight is riding on your physical body and emotions too dragging you down and you can't function. Nothing interests you, except maybe a couple of things that are mere distractions. Your interest in life is gone, and you just can't give a damn, no matter how much you wish you could. Personally, I can't even fake a smile. I tried really hard to at work (I was in sales at the time) but it took too much energy to fake any shred of cheer and so I just dopped the charade. Am I ringing a bell yet? Clinical depression is torture, and it's no way to live.

When my bipolar is at its worst, I'm a mixed state. Meaning, the mania and depression have merged and oh boy, look out! I'm angry and agitated (agitation and mania naturally go together, but I had been diagnosed with panic disorder w/agoraphobia as well so it was definitely magnified), yet sad and crying at the drop of a hat. In fact, I have any emotion at the drop of a hat. A mixed state is pretty dangerous because that is usually the state in which those suicidal thoughts the individual has becomes suicidal action. After a couple of weeks with no intervention, I have a nervous breakdown and usually need a hospital visit to stabilize me. It's been 5 years since it went that far, thankfully, but it's not something you forget. Nevermind the fog and haze I was in during my worst depression.

There's alot of different anti-depressants and mood stabilizers out there to try. I would suggest doing some of your own research on the internet on any drugs your psych may prescribe. I have had doctors give me all the wrong things before, only to read that they should never given it to me in the first place. Of course, I guess that can be worst case scenario -- that your psych is an idiot! LOL. But likely, whatever you've been on, no longer works for you. That's quite common, especially if you're on an SSRI type of anti-depressant.

I know I'm just some stranger on the internet, but if you ever want to talk, you're welcome to PM me. If it helps any, my bipolar and panic disorder was childhood onset, so I've really been going through this routine for a long time.