I'm just wondering if anyone else has this problem. I have been married over 5 years, and I am sure since I gained weight our marriage is going downhill fast. This hurts, frustrates, and angers me. I'm in a deep depression. It is getting worse by the week, and I already have health problems, and I'm 100% convinced it is making my health worse.

I'm curious if anyone else (If you care to share) here has been there, done that, what were your "marital symptoms", what did you do, and what was the outcome?

I appreciate if anyone wants to talk it out with me.

- Aqua

I hear you. My bf and I started our relationship last year with a lot of baggage and we're still ironing things out. Actually last night, the day before and the day before. We pick at each other about everything. I think he needs to step up to the plate and be a man, he family purposely ignores me and plans activities without me. I don't want to go b/c I know how they feel but don't come to our house and rub it in my face. My bf won't say a word, I want him to say mom if you're planning things and you don't want my gf there, don't come tell her about your plans and then tell her after how much fun it was!! But he'll never tell her that. I just want him to put my feelings first, there are many examples of the same, I won't bore you. As for weight gain, 35 lbs in 1 yr!!! So last month I told him I was going to take care of myself even if it meant I didn't always take care of him. Since I did that and I have stuck to it so far, my self esteem has soared. I feel so much better, it's funny to be/c he sees this and has done some changes too. He helps with the house more, our 3 yr old and helping me make my special meals. He's noticed the changes and he likes them which is great b/c I like them too. I hope this helps, I know how you feel. Maybe not the full extent of it b/c every situation is different but I hear you frustration. you can write back and it I can help I will. my thoughts are with you

Robin

I have slightly different diet-related marital issues. Hubby and I married almost 4 years ago, and we are both very heavy. We both have health and chronic pain issues. He is very antisocial, and generally a big pain in the butt when he is in pain, which is most of the time now.

He sometimes is not very cooperative about changing his lifestyle, and does not thing weight loss will help our health problems as much as I do. His resistance and crabbiness was taking a toll on the changes I was making, and I finally had to draw a line in my mind between his behavior and my thoughts. I am not responsible for his behavior, especially his withdrawal from me. I do find that when I go about living MY life when he pulls away, he generally comes looking for me. When he is withdrawing and I try to get closer, he only pulls farther away. Find things to do that make you happy, and don't feel responsible for his behavior. Pamper yourself, feel good about yourself, and do things that make you happy. He will either come around, or he won't, but you'll be happy either way.

Thats a tough issue. I'm married 17 years and I can think of one time that I noticed my weight gain REALLY getting to my DH. I think it got to him because I wasn't doing anything but sitting (basically shutting him out). I felt lonely and depressed and didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to accept that I needed help. When I went to my doctor, got on some meds (Prozac) and started to make changes, I saw a change in him. It really wasn't about the weight, it was about my attitude. We talked and I asked him for help. Believe it or not, I got fatter after that but my DH saw my constant struggle to lose the weight and the effort I tried to put into it and that was enough for him.

I can go on forever but like Robin said.... once they see you change (not necessarily physical) they may change.

Hugs !!

Wow, thank you so much medic4life, kaplods, Philosopher & Leenie.

Yeah, right now- and quite frankly, for quite a while now I have been getting a lot of uncomfortable words and vibes from him and his family. It does not help. I have been keeping close watch of my diet, but I don't want to lose it for him. I am very resentful of his poor attitude and I don't know what I will feel when the weight is gone.

When we met I was teeny tiny small. (110 Lbs.) I gained weight with pregnancy, illness, and depression. My first encounter with him and his family barbing me on my weight was after our child was born. He told me his brother asked him about my gain, and he said "oh, she's only a buck ten once she loses the baby fat" Well, I got pregnant again and the baby fat never went away. But, my real problem was that my weight was even a topic for them to discuss. It was embarassing and degrading. W T @#$% does it matter to his brother anyway?

His other brother has a chubby girl and the comment was made "she is fat but she is working on it" Then it was his brother's wife's (the one who was very concerned for my gerth) turn to get pregnant, and his mom went on and on about how quickly she lost her baby weight. It is very upsetting to me that they regard who I am very much by my size.

Basically, we are at the point where we barely have an intimate life, we do not sleep in the same bed, he never cuddles me, never tells me I'm pretty, and it is so bad right now. It has been going down a slope for some time, but it is getting worse. He told me once when he was mad he was surprised my ring fit on my fat finger.

I'm at the point where if he tries to act close to me when the weight is gone I'm going to push him away and it might even mean a divorce. I resent the fact that I don't "deserve" affection because I'm fat. Part of me is beginning to hate him for that. And anyone else who has a problem with me for my weight.

powerful words. ever try to communicate that to him?
also, have you been seeking counseling? even if he doesn't go, it could really help you sort out your feelings and even help you communicate with him.
The last thing I want to say is that "emotional eating" is a typical response to stress. Learning other coping skills and distracting yourself with hobbies does work, but it's a hard habit to get into. Maybe try exercising or knitting the next time you have an arugment or get snubbed and the urge to eat a whole tub of ben & jerry's comes on. Also, remember that you can eat ben&jerry's as a part of a healthy diet, just not in excess.
Okay so it wasn't the last thing...
Establishing a support network would be a good thing. Right now it sounds like you kind of feel alone. Go make some new friends; join groups or clubs; go to church (if you're so inclined), call family more often, etc. You'll likely come through this a little happier if you have positive and empathetic people around you.

Okay, this really is the last thing.... It's something my friend told me when I was 21 or so, and when he first told me I didn't believe it. He said "everyone is sexy" and I thought he was nuts. Keep in mind this was coming from a guy who's very overweight and was balding by the age of 26. I thought he was bonkers for suggesting that someone overweight could be sexy, but after a few years I figure dout he was right. The sooner you figure this out, the better. You'll be much happier and healthier and you'll impact those around you to be happier and healthier. My mother didn't figure this out until last year (she's 50something) and, when I look back on it, I think it did impact the way I saw myself AND the way I saw my mother to have someone around who didn't believe she was beautiful. It's subtle things that are hard to put a finger on, but I absolutely think that the way she thought impacted the way I thought, even though she may not have done or said anything specific that I remember.

My boyfriend of 5 years and I recently broke up. Weight wasn't the primary reason, but I feel like if he had still felt as physically attracted to me as he once did he would have been more willing to work through the other problems.

Forgive me for saying so, but your husband sounds like a lout. From your description, it sounds like he views you only as arm candy, not as an equal partner in a loving relationship. Maybe you're wise to be thinking divorce.

I'm glad that you realize you deserve better than how they are treating you. You do! Lose the weight, but do it for yourself and your children.

Thank you fiddler & vo0do0.

vo0do0, you hit the nail on the head with something. In fact it really took me back that you noticed it. I live very far from my family (we moved less than a year ago)- but I was the black sheep anyway, but still...

I am a solitary person. I always have been, and have kept few to no buddies- even in my tiny years, so it isn't an "I'm fat I'm hiding" thing. I don't see it as a problem, it is how I always was. This is where I talk, on the computer. I have caught some flack from him on that too, and it hurts as well. It has certainly compounded my frustration toward him when he says things like "where are your friends, where is your family?" I feel like saying duh @#$%^&* , you're it! (or supposed to be) He has said comments like that when he is angry with me, almost to make me feel like I am less of a person for keeping to myself. He knew I was that way when we met. He does have a lot of friends, and I never complained about it. I never felt like who you know or how many people you know make you any better. He only got this way after he became frusterated with my gain. And he only started to display this much anger after it had been a year after I had my last child. Almost like there was a secret time frame he gave me before he became a miserable person.

Yeah, fiddler. I'm sick. Emotionally and whatever. I am thinking I don't know if there will be a point that I will "forget" that he hated me fat. That is so shallow, I just am not like that.

Weight can impact a relationship. Make sure that there aren't other things that are really causing it and your self esteem isn't seeing things with different colored glasses. My husband plays on the puter ALL time time. I get annoyed because I feel like I'm competing with his online community. Unlike mine, he gets sucked into games and battles that he can't just stop. I'm not even saying that's your main issue. I'm urging you to look and see if there aren't more complications and issues than just your weight. It isn't unusual for married people who seemed like honeymooners before to start acting like married people having ups and downs.

you know what? men piss me off anyway lol so i would feel that way definately. I don't want to be a "home wrecker" but if my fiance were to treat me that way i would make sure to lose all the weight and then when i was damn sexy again i would say goodbye.... But that is just me. My x husband was like that. Before we were married he would love me no matter what yadda yadda yadda. Had a kid and got up to 230 and then all the sudden i'm a fat ***, lazy, disgusting and he asked if he could have girlfriends on the side!!! I said sure then lost all my weight moved to another state with him (hes airforce) so he had no new friends yet, then i left him. What really reall upset him and i quote him on this now "sure you get skinny then leave me." But i now realize even if i were skinny there would have been something for him, anything to belittle me, degrade me and make me feel inferior. During this overweight period with him there were many other indicators of our marriage doomed to fail anyway. The name calling is just what showed first.

My fiance that i have now is great this way. He always tells me i'm beautiful and will always love me no matter what size i am. I've since gained all that weight back since i had another kid and I was skinny before his daughter and now i'm fat after. He still loves me the very same way he did before. He is very intimate (not just sex either) with me. This is how it should be. Of course he is worried about my health but so am i. But he will love me no matter what and you know, this time i believe it. : )

Please don't get a divorce on my account, but usually the name calling and the lack of affection and especially him not going to bed in the same bed is definately a troubling sign. You should seek counseling if you want to keep this guy and he should see one with you. If he refuses to meet your needs i'd throw him away. You will only teach your daughters that its ok to take that treatment and you will only teach your sons that it is ok to treat his wife that way.

DeafinlySmart, & catrinaH- thank you both for adding some helpful comments.

Make sure that there aren't other things that are really causing it and your self esteem isn't seeing things with different colored glasses.
DeafinlySmart, I thought about that, but when he says what he says it leans it more in the court of malicious behavior rather than my low self esteem making things up.Not hugging, kissing,intercourse, sharing bed or just saying "I like your hair today" are things that- when they stop all together- start to make the marriage void of relationship outside of children.

catrinaH,I could go the other way too, and say- if he is so disgusted by a fat wife- maybe he should leave. He is unhappy too- I can tell, I just feel it is very shallow. When he adds rude comments to the mix it makes me start to hate, maybe this is what he is trying to do. Maybe he is egging me on so he isn't the one that left. He told me last week he hasn't been happy in a long time, though he never specifically mentioned my weight. I am sure that is where it all began though. That just pisses me off so much. I have had his children, I have had a heart operation, I have had cervical cancer-with two surgeries- and it seems the thing he gets so upset about is so damn trivial in the grand scheme of things.

I don't want to pretend to know what you are going through. I had an ex husband that would always belittle me and make rude comments about me. There was more going on than just me being overweight. When I started to fix myself enough to start loosing the weight, I fixed myself enough to leave him and I have never looked back. I am married again and my DH is a wonderful man. I am not saying this is the answer for everyone, but what I am saying is try to fix the root of the problems not the symptom. When you do that you will be able to make a clear decision about your marriage and what is going on. Divorcing someone that you once loved is one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through. To get yourself through that or to fix your marriage you need to fix what is really going on. You need to figure out where the depression and weight came from and whatever else you are having problems with and then you need to fix that.

Thank you trishn222. That is very good, sound advise.

Ups and downs are normal, but when disrespect rears it's ugly head, it's time to bring in reinforcements - counseling, a family friend, a minister. To help sort out the problems, give suggestions, and if necessary arbitrate... And if none of that works - a lawyer.

When I was single and fat (as opposed to married and fat, since I've only been "not fat" the first five years of my life, and for about one year in high school), I had a hard time dating. As a single, fat girl I seemed to have the choice between, men were only attracted to fat women (and I thought what if I lost weight), men looking for women they could control/abuse, men who wanted "easy" sex or a no commitment relationship (after all, fat girls are desperate and willing to take whatever relationship crumbs you throw them), and men who were so defective they were looking for anyone to love them.

So what's a non-desperate, rather-be-alone-than-be-with-a-loser fat girl gonna do? For the most part, I didn't date (once in a while finding a guy who seemed normal, but turned out to be one of those "types"), hoping one day to lose the weight and finally find a "normal" guy who could love me.

It took seeing the number of thin women in my life, dealing with their own man problems to realize that getting thin wouldn't guantee me a good guy. I had a friend who married a man when she was a little overweight. She gained weight and she was soo happy that he accepted her weight gain and only seemed to love her all the more. Then she lost all the weight, and he left her, admitting to her that he wasn't attracted to "thin" women. Great, another shallow one. I knew of another woman (not really a friend) whose husband left after they had twins, because he couldn't find a "mom" sexy.

I have a master's degree in psychology, and I still don't have a clue what really makes people "tick," I just know all the ways they can be messed up.

I finally decided that if I couldn't lose the weight, maybe I could find one of the few guys in the world who could handle my quirks and flaws, without having too many of his own. I found my hubby through a personal ad (after nearly giving up, because I met too many "freaks and losers"). I realize that many women would consider him a freak or loser, but his flaws were compatible with mine (in ways I never would have guessed, on paper I never would have chose him).

I'm starting to ramble so bad, I forget my original line of reasoning, but I think the point is that when we marry, we become a team. While it's not always the case, women are more committed to the "team," and able to roll with the punches of change more than men, who often seem to think "hey, this isn't what I signed up for!" when things change. You may need to remind hubby that "for better or worse," is meant as a warning - things WILL change, be prepared for them!

My husband and I sometimes joke "when is the better and health halves of the contract going to kick in?" but we do find ways to roll with the punches. Usually together, but sometimes we have to do some of it "on our own," when the other person isn't up to it. But the one thing neither of us accept is treating the other with disrespect, or letting the other person get away with treating themselves disrespectfully. ("I'm such a loser, I don't know why you stay with me - that kind of talk from either of us, get's a quick kick in the pants from the other).