I am having such a hard time right now. In my head, I know it's the depression, but I feel like I'm failing everyone around me. I was hoping to lose weight while my husband is gone. Instead I have gained 8 pounds. Today I let my kids watch tv all day. My house is a mess. I know I should be a better mom, and a better homemaker. It's just all so hard! I just want to climb into bed and stay there. I feel so bad for my kids having to see me this way. I wonder what damage I am doing psychologically. I just feel really awful. And so guilty. So many of you sound so up in your posts. And you are out and about, cleaning, etc. How are you doing this? Is it meds? I love my kids dearly, but it would be so much better for them to have a normal mom. And here I am trying to homeschool. What a joke. Tons of guilt there, too. I wish I had an answer.

marie - you're not kidding it's masses of work. i had 3 helpers today and they did most of the garden. i did almost nothing and i am still totally exhausted and aching and there are still things that need to be done before the open house. quite frankly i can't be bothered. i'd rather read a book, eat pineapple lumps, maybe a hot bath. the place does look good tho. they did a fantastic job of the outside and the grounds are magnificent. i have to do the inside

marcie - i don't know how you think we all sound so up. i can't remember the last time i was up. i haven't vacuumed my house in 2 weeks, i only do the dishes 2-3x a week, i go days without showering.

daylight savings ends tonight. i will miss the light evenings

hmmm i realised i prolly sounded insensitive. depression is a tough tough journey and marcie i don't envy you homeschooling. i have a friend who homeschools 3 kids of different ages - it's a lot of work. i would never ever homeschool lol. what's your reason for doing it? i know a large number of homeschoolers and it seems like about 1/2 of them are christian.

as for the wanting to go to bed all the time - snap - people joke about how i'm always in bed during the day. i just get so tired and plus it's lovely and comfy in my bed. else i sit and read books. i don't have a job - looking after me is a full time job!

Good Morning,

Marcie love, don't be so hard on yourself. Every day is a struggle for most of us. Not only do I have seasonal depression I have ADHD which makes my brain spiral off into different worlds. I am currently not taking any meds for anything. There are days that I just want to stay in bed and not come out and when those days are combined with my adhd boy oh boy... you wanna talk about a messy house. Thats why my house looks like a tornado hit it by the weekend b/c I have zippo energy to come home after work and clean, not even so much as lift a dish and put it in the sink. So while all this is going on, then comes Saturday, I wake up and look around... WHOLEY CRAP! Now this house is an overwelming project to me and I freeze!!! litterely freeze. I don't do anything but sit and look at it b/c in my adhd mind its scary. Some times I let my house go for weeks b/c of this, then something will snap and I'll get into a raging mad cleaning frenzy and I'll snap at DH, why doesn't he help LOLOL !! he does but sheeesh, it really IS me.

What I'm trying to say is.... take one day at a time. And NO your not an awful Mom, your a good Mom. Everyone has times where they just let the kids watch tv. I go thru that on the weekend when I'm just so tired and I think OMG this is the only time I have with DD and here we sit watching tv. But then she is just happy being with me watching tv.

Hang in there hon, I know its hard but we just gotta keep pressing on. Do the best you can and don't compair yourself to anyone because you never know what they are truly going through. You are GOOD !!!! think positive.

HUGS !!!

BTW, I think your amazing for homeschooling your kids... how the heck do you do that??? you need to give yourself credit, you really ARE incrediable.

i second that leenie!

most of the time i'm in survival mode. just getting thru each day is a big accomplishment. if i actually manage to go forward and get stuff done it's a bonus

and guilt... is a wasted emotion. forgive yourself!

Marcie, hugs to you, sweetie. Being a mom is a hard job and home schooling is even harder (my sister home schooled her kids and I know I could never do it since I'm too selfish). So kudos to you for doing it. A TV day isn't a bad thing. Heck, they do stuff like that in the public schools (movie day). So definitely don't beat yourself up.

On the depression front. It's one of the ugliest medical problems going. You have no desire to do anything and you make it worse by feeling guilty about being depressed. Try to name another medical problem that you feel guilty about having? It's ugly, plain and simple. And it no way is it a mind over matter. I think that Leenie was right on in her post.

One thing I'd like to add is getting beyond the guilt will help as much as getting professional help (and perhaps meds). It is a disease and you didn't cause it. When I tried to hid my mental illnesses, I'd pretend to be up and chipper but it was killing me inside. About two years ago, I admitted it to everyone and anybody. I stopped feeling like less of person because I coudn't control my depression. I accepted the diagnosis (bipolar) and didn't hide it. For me, that made an incredible difference. The guilt lifted and that was key to getting a handle on it. Now when someone walks in my office and my blue spectrum light box is making me a pretty shade of purple, they always ask why. I tell them. Perfect strangers. Really, for me, it was a lift off my heavy shoulders to just admit I'm human.

I hope this helps you some and please know it is okay to hide in bed to pass through the day when you need to. Good luck and hugs to you.
Marie

marcie - i think the fact that you recognise what your kids need is healthy. some people use tv to babysit their kids 7 days a week as a normal thing! and it is fine from time to time nothing wrong with it. you're trying hard (maybe too hard???) and things are getting on top of you, beating yourself up won't help...

things will come right. just do what you need for you. work out what absolutely must be done and forget the rest. the 80/20 rule. focus on the top 20% of things that are important

I grew up watching TV and playing video games quite often. Sure, I also played outside a lot, but I had the luxury of living in a small town and having a friend right next door. Still, despite watching TV and playing video games I turned out pretty good! I don't see them as a bad thing for kids as long as they are getting physical activity, too. Don't worry about it I actually think that because I played video games when I was young that it helped me in many ways developmentally. Sure, I also grew up in the days of Super Mario Brothers and Sonic the Hedgehog, when video games weren't so bloody and were more innocent, but it improved my hand-eye coordination and I think that is why I'm now able to type 125 WPM.

That's just my opinion, but yeah Also on the subject of homeschooling. That's really awesome that you're able to do that! I have a friend who was homeschooled and she was able to finish school after her sophomore year and started college full time in her junior year. By the time I graduate from a regular public school, she'll be halfway done with her college education and she didn't have to pay for those first two years, either! It's really neat. Don't feel guilty, because I know from personal experience that laying all the guilt on yourself isn't very productive. Keep your chin up and you'll get through it <3

Marcie,
I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this. I'm not experienced enough to give advice, but all I know is - it will get better. With the drug and doctor that's right for you, you'll feel better gradually...then suddenly. I searched all over the city for a doctor that'll listen to my needs, that understands my history of eating disorders and weight concerns. I'm not a doc myself, but may I suggest Wellbutrin? It helps with appetite suppression.

I've been depressed for a year and three months, and this morning...for the first time...I got up early, did my 4-mile watp dvd, styled my hair and cleaned my place up in my pajamas. Now I'm eating my Jenny Craig pizza for breakfast.

I know it's -impossible- to just 'snap' out of it...but if you just try to believe that there will be better days...who knows - you could feel motivated again.

Hi everyone, Marcie I hope you're doing better today. Just know that you're not alone.

Things are good at this end although I did mosey to my bedroom and took a nap. It was wonderful. I love sleeping (see Marcie, you aren't alone). Early this morning, DH and I took the dogs running on the mountain road behind our house. It was a long 1.1 miles up and a short 1.1 miles down. Either way the puppies loved running free and I enjoyed the cold air. Part of the reason for the nap was I was just plain cold. It was 23 degrees (F) and I was cold.

Food is going good and I'm still on track. I'm making good choices and that's new for the last 6 months. I'm on day 5 of the new diet. That's a pretty good start.

Well, chat with you all later.
Marie

hey there

peanut that sounds reallly encouragin you are starting to feel better

i am starting to notice the effects of being AD free. today i was tearful and i am very restless and agitated. also i am second guessing myself and questioning whether i should buy the house i liked etc etc. so hard. i will try to pull through without drugs but bursting into tears all the time isn't helpful. will see how i go. i can feel underlying depression but it's not bad it's at a low level. if i could sleep i'd be much better off

it's superhot here and i'm inside. this is very atypical for me as i'm a sun bunny, altho it is a wet heat. my face is dripping with sweat even inside.

marie it is fun letting the dogs off for a run. i can't do that here around the streets but i loved being able to do that when i lived in a town with large dog parks. here there are very few places you can let dogs off and they are very small.

i had good intentions for lunch today but then bought something junky. i will try to eat better for dinner, hopefully that will help me manage my mood???

Thanks for all the support. It really helped pull me through. I think I am on the upswing now. This afternoon I started frantically cleaning cabinets, drawers, corners, etc. Hopefully I get a lot done before I cycle down again. I'm getting a massage on Tuesday-aaaahhhhh. I can't wait. And the kids are going to my mom's for a few days. She's been trying to take them from time to time while my husband is gone to give me a break. Maybe I'll paint the family room. I love to paint!

Sweet Pea-It's great if you can go AD free. I've tried many times, because I hate the side effects, but I just can't do it. Good luck to you!

Peanut-I tried Welbutrin, but it made my heart race and pound. Hopefully the psych will have some good ideas. I've been trying to get a handle on this for 5 years!

Marie-Sounds like you are going strong. Keep up the good work.

hey there Marcie glad you are on the upswing. it sounds like you are rapid cycling? i usually get mixed state bipolar episodes so i don't get the pure highs but i've often thought they sound magnificent lol

not sure i will cope without drugs. it will be hard but they only stop the crying and suicidal tendencies, nothing more. i still feel depressed on them and anxious and agitated so i will see how i go. there is a lot that you can do to manage depression without drugs so i will have to make a big effort to keep on top of those things

had some good news today. i have been shortlisted for a directorship position for a large company. it is a 3 year appointment and you only have to attend meetings once a month. there will be a vote in 2 months time so i will have my fingers crossed that i am successful. it would suit me to do work like this as i don't have enough good days to commit to working every day or even every week but every month i can manage hehe

i have a decision to make. i have a speech comp this weekend. there are 4 rounds in NZ and this is the 2nd round but i don't seem to be motivated to prep my speech and go. the weird thing is this has been a goal for a long time. in october last year i wrote all the dates for the different elimination rounds in my diary as i was determined to do it. maybe i'll get an upswing later in the week and feel more motivated??? i have to decide fairly soon as the person who was ranked next highest in the club comp wants to take my place if i'm not going so he needs to know! decisions decisions

Marcie, boy am I relieved that you're feeling a little better. That is a good sign. I do agree with SweetPea about the rapid cycling. Definitely something to watch for. I'm very much like you though. On my good days, I go nuts trying to get things done so that on my bad days I can "afford" to be down. It would definitely be easier to be normal.

SweetPea, odn't force yourself to do something you can do at the moment (speech) just because you set a goal. You're currently changing the chemical balance in your brain by eliminating ADs, so you physically just might not be up for it. You're not a quitter if you don't go, you're doing what is right for you at the time. Good luck on both the house and speech decisions.

Today I have off from work and I don't have anything planned but a trip to the post office. I finally finished my sister's birthday present (I knitted her a sweater) yesterday and I want to mail it today. Since today is her birthday, it's going to be late, but oh well, I just didn't get it done in time. Perhaps I will stop at the store and get a big Diet Pepsi too. I live in a timy town with a tiny little store. But what they have tht I love is fountain drinks. My favorite so I think I'll get one.

I was pretty good eating yesterday, but a little bad at the end. DH served me a piece of pie and made it too big. I ate it. Bad, bad, bad. When I cut the piece it's small and only about 250 cals. I think it was more like 500 cals. I was still in my calorie range, but it sort of bummed me out last night.

Well, I will check in later since I have nothing to do today.
Marie

I remember those days. I used to have periods of high energy when I got heaps done but not for a couple of years now. They didn't last long but they were wonderful. It's always good when you knock off all the stuff on your to do list. Most of the time though I am in 'slug' mode and I often have to force myself to get things done. The speech thing is tough. THere is some stuff I force myself to do because I know if I sleep every day away and hide at home nothing gets done and the less you do the less you want to do. The speech is different, it's non essential. I am waiting to hear what hour of the day I need to be there as it is a 2 hour drive from here and that will influence my decision. For now I am focused on trying to sell this place. That and keeping it tidy. That's a fulltime job as I tend to be pretty messy and I'm one of those people that leave the dishes to accumulate for days

Marie - hmmm pie that does sound nice. It's only a minor indulgence, there's no need to be hard on yourself. If it hasn't triggered a binge and is just a one off thing you'll be fine, besides think of that run you did up the mountain lol

Marie did I miss it I remember asking what sort of work you do but I don't remember reading the answer???

Macie hope you're doing well today