[mulligan]

Hello ladies (and gentlemen?) :

This is my very first thread here (I have been a member of a board for moms for a while, but I feel kinda weird "coming out" to them-- as if I knew them).

Quick points of reference:
I am not yet 30
I am married (for now, at least)
I have a two year old
I am unhappy with my body
Until very recently, I was exceptionally athletic
I am an attorney, but I have had to stop working since things have... turned
I have been diagnosed as having a "significant" major depression for two days, but all told, it's probably been going on since I was pregnant


If, if anyone chooses to respond, it might be helpful for me to know a little about you. I am not on a diet, per se. I am thin, and am being watched for weight as part of the new depression treatment. I have not always been thin though, and so I come to you all, in hopes I can stay on track-- eat as much as they tell me, without gaining weight. Ideally, I'd like to lose a little more, but I fear how it'll impact (a) my child's body image; (b) my golf game; and (c) my energy levels, which are already at an all-time low.

My story with depression is short. I have been on a "slide" for about two years-- right before I got out of law school/ my last trimester of pregnancy. Somehow, over the last year, that slide has progressed into an all-out plummet. In the past month or so, it's been the worst yet. My husband finally dragged me to a GP on Monday, who said he could not do anything for me, and sent me to a pharmacological psychiatrist (In other words, I don't have a good excuse for being crazy-- it's not like I suffered something, I just lost my mind. He likened it to diabetes of the brain... I'm short on chemicals.). Now it's a matter of getting the drugs and dosages right to save my job, and my family. I still wonder if it's all worth it...

So. Now that I'm the nutter in the room, I was wondering how exactly you all go about maintaining healthy habits while you're experiencing your experiences. I have a tendency not to eat when I get stressed-- it's a form of emotional eating, I guess. When I do it, it's things I am ashamed to say I have eaten. Do you have any tips and tricks?

If you all are on depression medication, how does it impact your physical health/ weight loss/ maintanance goals? I used to be an avid runner, lifter, spinner, golfer, walker, swimmer, skier you name it, I did it for at least an hour a day (golf obviously takes much longer, but you get the idea), and now I have neither the motivation or the energy to give a sh!t.


Don't feel like you have to respond. I just re-read this, and I sound like a basket case! If my clients only knew... hoo boy. Also, please don't think, because I sound so judgmental, that I wil be judgmental to any of you. I'm really not. I swear. I'm just ashamed. This all came on kinda fast.

Thanks
-- the girl looking to get a Mulligan
(a golf term for a "do over")

p.s. what's with the dancing carrot? I kinda like him/ her. It's kinda hard to beat yourself up with a dancing carrot.

[Mazarin]

Welcome....

I am Alison and I am 28 from the UK.

I was diagnosed with depression in November 2000 although I can pinpoint it starting to about 12 months previous.

Thinking back a lot of my depression issues actually started from the moment I moved with my parents into there new house.

Just a bit of background, that was 7 years ago I now live on my own and have done for 5 years across the road from my parents.

I live in what can only be describe as anti-social behaviour ****!

I have now given up the fight, and am taking legal action only the housing people I rent from and looking for a new place to live after last year was the worse situation for me living here. I have decided the only way to move on is to move out!

I am happy being single with just my little dog for company. I also have type 2 diabetes and PCOS.

My depression has come and gone in stages, and I started with it again about 12 months ago I tried to get though it myself but instead went back onto AD in October last year.

I am pretty certain most of my issues are related to where I live and so hopefully I might find the old me somewhere when I get moved!

[mulligan]

Hi Alison,
I lived with my parents for a while too. IN fact, that's when my "slide" began. Family can be tough (especially mine!). My pregnancy was high-risk (complete previa), so I was on bed-rest, so my husband and I moved in with my family to make it a little easier. Easier schmeasier! With 36 hours under my belt, I am certainly no expert, but I would imagine that not liking where you live (family or otherwise) would make someone pretty unhappy. Good for you for geting out. And good luck with the diabetes and PCOS. I don't know a lot about the latter, but I have been tested and tested and tested for the former for the last few months. Apparently, it's more 'okay' for a stereo-typical American yuppie woman to have significant weight loss and mood issues if it's caused by her pancreas. Everyone wanted that to be it (especially me!), but it turns out the real problem is a little higher up.

thanks for your honesty.

mg

[Marciet]

mg-I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety in 2001, although it has been going on for more than 10 years. I was just too ashamed to admit it to anyone. One thing you need to know about this site. Everyone here has a story. No one judges anyone else, just offers support and encouragement. For me, it is great to know there are others out there feeling the same things I am.

My story short, 15 years married to a controlling, manipulating man, still married to him, 3 kids, and homeschooling. How do I keep healthy habits when my symptoms are out of control? Easy. I don't. I am being checked for bipolar ll right now, and life is frequently overwhelming. There are days I don't get out of bed. NO you are NOT crazy. Depression is an illness like any other. The only difference is they can't do a blood test to diagnose it. The most important thing is not to blame yourself. That will only make things worse. Believe me. I struggle with that all the time. But guilt and depression go hand in hand. Right now I am on Celexa-it's not working-and I have a fabulous therapist I am totally comfortable with. I resisted therapy for a long time out of fear, but really, it's the best thing I ever did.

Just know that you can tell us anything. This is a sounding board for a lot of us. Things we can't tell anyone else, we can post here in comfort, knowing everyone else understands.

Don't run from it. It isn't something you can just "stop". Listen to your doc, and seek treatment. You CAN get better. And you can post here or pm any one of us whenever you need to. Hang in there!

[happytx]

With me everyday is an adventure, so to speak!! Everyday is different, but I make my hubby remind me of specific things, like the Dr says I have to exercise everyday no matter what, even if its just a walk around the block, or stretching, and sometimes it pisses me off to hear it, but its easier knowing its coming from the Dr not him. I can do nothing for days, so movement is very important. Also I had to teach myself that this is an illness, and you wouldnt walk around with pneumonia without getting treatment so you shouldnt be ashamed of getting treatment for this. Easier said than done, because I still think sometimes, Im crazy, and all that goes with that.

Quick background Im 29 30 in May, married, no kids, but 3 dogs!!

[cathyxxx]

Mulligan, you don’t sound like a basket case to me! You sound like people that I talk to everyday!!!!!

Just wanted to mention to you that there can be numerous physical reasons for your depression and in particular - a thyroid problem could be attributing to your problems. Especially since you mentioned a slide that started right before you finished law school and your third trimester of pregnancy. A lot of women begin having thyroid problems during and after their pregnancies.

More than likely you have had a doctor run blood work to check your thyroid, but I have found (by researching this stuff to death) that there is better and more accurate tests that can and should be run.

My thyroid problem was missed for more than 20 years bec they only ran the TSH which can be very inaccurate.

My oldest son who is now 21, began a quick slide like you mentioned at age 15, and I was told “chemical imbalance” and he was started on psych meds. Eventually blood work was done and his low thyroid problem was found and he is doing really well on Armour Thyroid and is almost off of all the many meds he was placed on over the past few years. In the beginning of this rollercoaster ride his case was SEVERE. Back then I had no idea that a thyroid problem could cause the things that he was dealing with and we have had to learn all about this the hard way. But I feel that I need to do all I can to make sure that everyone presenting with any type of mental problem at least knows to have their thyroid checked by asking the doc to run specific tests.

Please check out the info that I have posted on the “Depression Articles” thread at:
http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/show...t=49146&page=3

I hope this info helps in some way.
Please let me know if I can help with any of the info.
take care,
Cathy

[mulligan]

Hi Everyone.

Thanks for your responses. Here's a dancing carrot (I still don't get it!) for everyone:

Marcie, I wanted to respond to what you said about the guilt. It's totally overwhelming. We were a little surprised by our child, and so while I envy your ability to homeschool, I have had to work. We are a two-income family, and my hours have been long and grueling. When I'm home, I feel awful that I'm not plugging away at work. When I'm at work, I feel awful that I'm not with my child. In between, I feel guilty when I muck something up (frequently), or when I miss the gym (these days I don't go at all...), when dinner isn't on the table (and when it is, it's veggie burgers or "chicken" --meatless-- nuggets). Now, I don't do anything. Literally, I shower twice per week, at best. I rarely get dressed, I never clean, and I am learning more about all the wonderful golf tools from the Golf channel than I ever wanted to know. Then, before I know it, it's 6:30 and my husband and daughter are home, and the laundry isn't done, the kitchen is a pigsty becuase I didn't clean their morning mess, and I just can't take it... and I end up sobbing all night and wasting it.

HappyTX, two things: (1) maybe you can help me find my way back to my gym. I really do love to exercise... I think. I used to. Up until recently, I loved it, and it really made me feel better. (2) My birthday is in May too. I'll be 27. I realized last night that I really don't even care if I MAKE IT to 30, so I'll be happy when all this is over...

Cathy,
Thanks for the link. I sent it to my husband. I have been checked again and again and again for physical things. I have been checked for diabetes, liver function, kidney function (I get infections a lot), thyroid, cholesterol. Mostly because of the precipitous weight drop. When my daughter was born, I was up around 180 (we were on bed rest, and I gained more than 50 pounds!). A year ago (at 7m PP), I weighed between 125 and 130. I am short (5'3"), but I was strong-- spinning, lifting, running, gymming every day, skiing every weekend. In July, I was under a lot of stress, and I dropped to about 120. Then, around Christmas, it got down to 115. Now I am still about there (in fact, at the Dr's on Monday, they said I weighed 121 clothed with tea in my stomach and flip-flops on). I don't look like I weigh that much; I went from 6s to 4s to 2s to 0s, and those bag now. I eat, I swear. In fact, in my working days (ended just two weeks ago), I was "lunching" two to three times per week. I'm not anorexic (been down that road; it only makes you fat in the end). I get really dizzy a lot, and I snap at everything. More than being sad or frustrated, I'm p!ssed off all the time. I am sure part of it is the job, and the stress (and my crappy golf game), but I am just an angry person. My OB told me there was nothing a Dr. could do (my thyroid came back okay), and that I should try yoga. In retrospect, this was bad advice. I will certainly look into more physical reasons. I would much rather have a thyroid problem than a brain chemical issue-- where I am in my life, people just don't understand. I "came out" to two friends as soon as I knew, and one has not called since, which is totally bizarre, and the other essentially asked me to disappear until I righted myself. I think if I could say "look, I'm sick, I'm really sick!" and point to a blood test or something, I'd have more success getting people to understand. What are the other symptoms of hypothyroid?



Okay, I have rambled enough. Thank you all for your support. I just feel so lonely. That's a big part of it; I think. I my world, if I did die (either by my own hand or a misstep in traffic), no one would notice, and worse yet, no one would care-- except maybe the people who'd need extensions to file their petitions with the court. I have no one.

mg

[cathyxxx]

Hey Mulligan - thanks for answering my post.

You said "My OB told me there was nothing a Dr. could do (my thyroid came back okay), and that I should try yoga."

Just wanted to emphasize that my thyroid came back "normal" for 20 years also bec they weren't running the right tests to find the problem. A lot of people are being told their "thyroid is fine" when in fact it is not.

You mentioned not being overweight - there are some people with a thyroid problem that do not have a weight problem. I think we all sort of assume that if someone has a thyroid problem then they must have a problem with their weight, but that is not the case for everyone, and I know of a couple of women with a very low thyroid problem that are thin.

You asked about other symptoms of hypothyroidism....
Here are links to 2 good lists:
http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/long-and-pathetic/

I have another good list but the link is not working. I will pm it to you. It is called "69 Most Commonly Reported Symptoms of Hypothyroidism"

Someone could have one or two symptoms or several - a thyroid problem can affect many different things and can affect individuals differently - but definitely depression, anxiety, etc can be a symptom.

Also, you and your hubby might want to check out the info at:
http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com...ema-craziness/

there is great info there about the thyroid connection to psychiatric problems and articles on Depression & Thyroid.

I am very sorry that your friends are not "understanding". I know how hard that can be!!!!!

hugs,
Cathy

[Marie]

Hi Mulligan, you definitely came to the right place. You're posts made me want to cry. No one should feel that alone. But from your posts, I can tell you right now that your DH and your daughter would definitely miss you if something happened. BTW, we would miss you here too. That your "friends" want you to disappear until you're they're version of acceptable is hogwash. Personally I'd like to slap them for you.

I don't remember reading that you were in therapy. Try it - at the very least you'll know that you're not alone and will be validated for the anger and loneliness you feel. It feels like you're in this alone, but there are many of us here. That's what's so beautiful about this thread - it let's us join together because we aren't alone.

Background on me, I'm bipolar II. diagnosed depression at first about 5 years ago and about 3 years ago revised to Bipolar. The depression diagnosis didn't bother me since I knew I was unhappy and had been fro most of my life. The Bipolar one threw me for a loop. I hid it for a while, only telling DH, then slowly telling my family. Now I tell anyone who might need to know. I'm not embarassed by it, but that was a long road to go through before getting here. BTW, I'm married, 2 kids, one grandbaby (new to being a grandmother), and 3 beloved doggies.

Take the meds to get balance back in your life, then start to work through the issues that you have remaining. don't feel guilty about the laundry and such. Believe it or not, if you had gotten it done, it would be back today. Zoning out in front of the TV is fine while you adjust. Your life will come back to you. One other thing, you might like the idea of group therapy so that you don't perceive the illness in a shell. You'd be amazed at how many of us there are.

Something I learned since accepting I am the way I am is that I put up boundaries. Things like vacations to visit my family make me depressed and withdrawn. I have learned that I want to be at my home, in my familiar surroundings. So I do not go visit my fmaily often. Once to twice a year and for short stints only. They don't like it but I stand up for myself (now). Eating - if to make it through a day, I really feel I need something junkie, I will eat it and not beat myself up over it. Or the reverse, if I don't want to eat, no one can force me.

So do what you need to do to survive and confide with your DH. Sounds like he recognizes that you're sick and isn't turning his back on you. Lean on him.

Good luck, mulligan. This is a journey but one that when you start to see the light, you'll be way more in tune with yourself and your needs.
Marie

PS, I can't stand the dancing carrot. don't know why, but it gives me the creeps.

[Marciet]

mg-I can really identify with a lot of your symptoms. Talking to my therapist really helps with the guilt. When I told him how guilty I feel, that I'm not being the mom I want to be, not meeting the needs of my family, he told me depression is an illness, and I should not beat myself up over it. That didn't help. While I know in my head that it is real, I keep feeling I should be able to just suck it up and make myself get better. But hers's the important thing. My kids know that I love and accept them. I would give my life for them. So the house isn't clean. So they get convenience food for dinner. They won't remember all that. All that matters is that mom loves them. The things we think we have to do, housework, laundry, etc., are just that-things. They are not important. YOU are important. If your doc suggests yoga as treatment for all you are going through-GET A NEW DOC! One who will listen, and work with you to find a solution.

You ARE going to make it to 30. And you WILL get better. You have a great support system here. Sometimes people react badly to news like this because it hits a little too close to home for them. Maybe they are afraid there is something wrong with them. In any case, it is up to you who and how you tell people what is going on in your life. I don't have anyone anround me that I can talk to either. But I have found some great friends here. People I can call when it gets bad.

You are not inferior to anyone because of this. You are a wonderful woman, and you are seeking help and support. I have no doubt you will get better. Hang in there, hon. We are here when you need us.

PS, I sent you a pm.

[happytx]

I also wanted to let you know that i sent you a PM, with all kinds of tips that helped me, and ideas from my dr. She really stressed the importance, of daily exercise/movement, as part of my therapy, so I thought I would share her tips with you. Big Hugs!!