September 2020 Ups & Downs Depression Support Group
 

Thank you for starting this, Kathleen.

I've had a rough week. Missing Elvira. I keep thinking I here her coming down the hallway. I keep thinking I need to give her my leftovers. I found her doggie treats in my bedroom. It's just been hard.

Plus it's hot here today. Plus I can't drive yet. I'm just antsy and in a bad mood.

I'll try to post again soon.

Support in life's ups and downs is a wonderful idea. I am now a full time unpaid carer with little to no real time support so it is often hard to look after myself as well.

Today is a good day. The sun is shining. All is going well with the person in my care role.
:)

I'm about to turn in. Sweet dreams, everyone.

Thank you Kathleen for starting the September thread :)

Lisa- oh gosh how I remember those feelings, right after we lost Eddie. of course you keep expecting to see her around every corner, you think "oh it's time to feed her" and on and on :( It sucks so much, it is the one drawback as someone else said. And I saw on the news how the West Coast is having the most horrendous heat wave!! so sorry my friend, hang in there :hug:

TREEMBBS Hi and :welcome: !!! You are so smart to try to find positives, like the sun is shining. Hope you can visit more and we can get to know you!

Pat - thinking of you my friend!

Thank you for the welcome and for the thread I believeinme

I love the rainbow in your welcome VermontMom. Thank you. Also the fact that you ride (I presume if you own?) a motorbike. One of my sons does specs for Honda Bikes and mowers and one of his baby daughters (not yet 2) has a Harley rocker - she can do dare devil stunts on it!

Lisa sad to hear you have lost a pet. I still miss my black cat after 6 years - she has left her hair trail though behind the curtains I must say.

Spring has sprung here which can cut through the Covid gloom (we are in 2nd lockdown here)

TREEMBBS oh gosh it will be interesting for us to have someone who is on the other side of the equator/continent! so you just got thru winter? do you get lots of snow and very cold temps? I am so ignorant about other countries. I am glad Spring is arriving for you!! and very glad you joined us here. Hope to get to know you!

How has Covid affected you, what are your area's limitations? In my state (Vermont) we have to wear a mask in public and stay 6 feet apart whenever possible. Lodging and restaurants may have guests but at only 50% capacity and seat 6 feet apart. Many of our small businesses have gone under :( and my summer/fall job was cancelled. And I had to severely adapt my organization's summer fund raiser and completely change our winter fundraiser plans.

I am sorry you are still grieving for your kitty, it is so hard to lose them!

And yes I have a motorbike, a Honda! a nice big one, 1300 cc's .have been riding my own for almost 20 years now.

Hello Lisa, and Kathleen, and Pat

Ladies, I had my first colonoscopy this morning :eek: They did find 5 polyps, removed them and will let me know the status in a couple weeks. But so far the Doctor said I don't have to have another one for probably another 5 years. thank goodness for that!!! I was hoping to be all clear and not have another for 10 years though. But having gone thru it once, I will remember some things for the future!

It is very hot again here today! but I know I should hang onto these summery days , knowing what is coming!!

Vermont Mum sooner you than me with the colonoscopy - not nice I don't think though thankfully haven't needed to have one.


It is the start of spring here. Where we live we can get snow 3 or 4 times a year but it is a big event when it happens and everyone takes photos. We go from cold, cold winter to summers like California with bush fires.

There are snow fields in Australia but only winter for skiing. Most of Australia is hot and dry, or up the top end is hot and humid.


Where I live in Australia is the worst state for 2nd Covid wave. In the city they have stage 4 lockdown with a curfew (can't go out except for work after 8 - soon to be 9pm) Retail and hospitality is going under. Masks are mandatory and social distancing, 4 reasons to go out - work, exercise (was an hour will soon be 2) care giving and medical appointments. Where I live in the regional area we have stage 3 lockdown for the 2nd time, nearly the same except for the curfew. Again businesses are going bust and people are suffering. No camping, holidays or social movement whatsoever. In other states of Australia things are better but many borders have been shut to the states having the most covid cases. It is pretty awful really, very depressing.


But today (again) the sun is shining, it is warm and lovely outside.

I'm sorry I haven't posted much. It's been hard. I'm so quiet.

Lisa - Yes it was so wonderful to hear from you and you were giving such great description of how you days were. but of course we know you were hit so hard with the passing of your beloved furry forever friend. I look forward to when you feel like talking again my friend!!! :hug:

TREEMBBS wow thank you for that great description of what your area of Australia is like! you said hot and dry, do you get enough rain for things to get green and to have gardens for veg and flowers? (forgive my ignorance if that is a silly question ) and the Covid situation is just so horrible isn't it!! Here in the States, each State is allowed to "do it's own thing" which I think is CRAZY!!! there are states that allow huge gatherings and HOW is that helpful to the rest of us who are following masking and social distance??? and not going to our usual parties or such. It stinks!!

Onto my own little world of problems. I don't know how to tell you how our household clutter and disorganization affects me, except to say it truly hurts my soul and I feel so hopeless and helpless and yes, almost suicidal. I have gone ahead and tried my best on rooms or the garage; but my husband does not follow through and do his part. I ask him about specific things and weeks or months could go by. Then I bring it up again and it seems like I'm nagging. I could type more and tell of how impossible it seems to me. OK - we have a 'dining room' it is small but it can accomodate a table and 4 chairs. The top of the table is always covered with husband's ****. small tools/nails, just stuff. There was a desk/hutch in there that made it impossible to sit at the table to eat. I feel like an animal when we take our plates in the living room and sit in there and eat. The desk/hutch was used as my husband as his work area (computer) until he abandoned it and made his work area upstairs. And that is how it was...frackin' abandoned. I ruthlessly went thru and just threw sh*t out. I finally insisted on getting the desk/hutch out of the house. It is now at the top of the driveway for free. It can stay there til it rots!! i'm just glad its out of the house. Now that I can see that wall it looks horrible. Old wallpaper that was there when we moved in 30+ years ago!! I don't know how to treat walls to fix them. The kitchen needs a new floor. One has to get everything OUT before you can deal with the floor. There is an old washing machine in there that we never use and needs to come out. I have to NAG and REMIND and bring these things up and they are usually met with resistance like "I would but my head is splitting and I have a migraine" or "everyhting hurts in my body" or "I feel rotten today, I'll work on it on my day off". Well if you took care of yourself somewhat maybe you could do more!!!

ug and I just have to go on. About the washer - I said we should just load it in the mini van and take it to the dump. He says 'but someone might want it. Isn't that better than just throwing it out?" But then you have to list it for sale somewhere, be willing to have someone come look it, etc. And there was a reason we stopped using it , it did'nt work!! how is someone going to want that?? His response - "some people like to fix things". GAH

One more P.S. from me, I am not suicidal, i should not have said that. I am more...hopeless feeling. sorry to worry anyone. I really don't think I could fatally harm myself. i was just exasperated right then and venting.

Hi Holly (is that OK to call you that?)

I feel you re the clutter and disorganization. I have trouble with that too. Sorry you are feeling a bit hopeless about it.

My H is quite immobile (long, sad story) and I have to do everything inside and out and care for him as well. I still help run a family business on top though my roles have eased a little re that.


What I have learned. Nothing is EVER going to be perfect inside or out. I don't turn a blind eye (because like you I can't) but I understand that there are pressing chores that must be done each day, then if you can fit in a little bit of declutter time somewhere that is a bonus.

It is tough when there are 2 in the home and the other person doesn't follow through or want to proactively help. I have also learned that resentment isn't a healthy emotion - If you have corners that are specifically yours work on them and H may get the hint that he is the one holding back the chance of having a more organized living space.


Yes, we can grow a garden where I am. We have plenty of rain at times of the year when things need to get started. Summers can be dry though.


Hello Lisa. Quiet but visible, that is OK

TREEMBBS - yes please do call me Holly :) and you gave wonderful thoughtful insightful consult. I meant to ask you about your situation when you first introduced yourself, that you were a sole caregiver with no support which must be SO VERY HARD!!! If it helps, please do talk to us about that (or not, if it bothers you! I just know myself it has helped when I have typed out my anger and frustration here )

And I have researched online, advice from others about the situation and all of them say the same as you...that I need to let go (or simmer down) the resentment and just work on what I can, on "my" stuff, then he might follow along? However if I am the tidy one, I do not have messy places myself, they are all shared. I am not trying to put down the advice, just that it doesnt' quite fit my situation. However I am calmer today (thank goodness one of my mantras is "tomorrow might be better") and I am going to do exactly what you and Lisa have said, just go for an area that I can deal with and that will give me some quick gratification.

I have been searching Indeed.com for local jobs and found possibly 2 that I will try for, for the winter. however I need to state that I am not available until October 1st..that is only a date I picked in my mind, that I have told husband that I know I need to go back to work, yet I want us to continue on the work at home, which is close to impossible when I work full time. And now is when I have all the free time in the world yet I am constricted because he is not as 'gung ho' as me ugh!

Hi :wave: to Lisa, Kathleen, Pat!!

Oh Kathleen thank goodness it was nothing scary! and bless them for checking right away and telling you! and CONGRATULATIONS on your 5 and 1/2 year mark!

That is very worrisome about your son :( I feel your fear!! ugh and curses to the vaping industry!! that they preyed on young adults (children!!! bubble gum flavor??? come on!!) I hope his is okay. Was he diagnosed with asthma?

Yes you and I have talked about how we love Spring and Summer so much and hate what we know is coming!! My yard/gardens are especially lovely (because I've been home spending so much time outside :sunny: )

I think I've meant to ask before, do you "close" the lake house or is it kept so you can go there all thru winter?

Even though I had off all summer, I did not ride much at all. I am really not the type to just take off by myself, looking for adventure solo....I do take the bike to do errands in town or if I need to do something United Motoryclists-related, but since my husband has been having balance problems (and saying everything in his body hurts :( ) he has not been on his bike at all, so we haven't ridden anywhere together. Which is a bummer. But i need to focus that I have kept myself in shape and strong and flexible and can ride no problem :)

Today I knew I couldn't progress on the kitchen project so I did an area that has bothered me but wasn't sure what to do about it. It is a wall (floor to ceiling) bookcase joined in the corner; right next to my desk (my simplified new desk which looks so much better) I took EVERYTHING off those shelves. Maybe a hundred books, folders, my volunteer organization stuff, kid's drawings from 20 + years ago...first I stepped back and looked at it and realized if I had alot of objects concentrated near the center, it just looked super crowded. so I made sure to keep that area sparse. I organized antique books that I have; husband's interest (science fiction, building) our comedy stuff (Simpsons, The Other Side, Calvin and Hobbs) and other subjects. then the games that we have but don't play anymore tho I would love to, Pictionary, Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble. It looks SO much better now. I can approach it and think "mmm that looks good" instead of my usual glance and then plummeting soul.

Now there is a smaller bookcase that needs work, it has stationary/paper/labels etc, boxes of greeting cards, folders etc on one shelf, our photo albums on bottom shelf; a shelf was devoted to husband's work which was textbooks of computer programming but if they are from the '90's they are obsolete! ("but I paid so much for them" I can just hear it now)

and my other task that turned out great, was that I was looking out the window next to that desk and noticed I could not see clearly to the top of the driveway due to branches from apple tree and a maple tree. I geared up (Merrill work boots / gloves/ safety glasses) and got a ladder and the electric tree trimmer. And I trimmed those suckers!!! dropped many branches (and rolling apples :rofl: ) cleared them away, raked the driveway (its unpaved) and it looks so much tidier and now I can see at the top of the driveway!

I do feel pride at being capable of accomplishing stuff like the above; it is frustrating then when I don't have the drive or knowledge to do things that I need help with.

IBelieveInMe2 thanks for your welcome. I do hope all is OK with your breasts now, you must have had a scary time of it. I also feel for you re your son's vaping (or previous vaping) and I hope that he gets over the need for any addictive/destructive behaviors. How old is he? Life is tough currently for our young ones.


Holly I'm glad you are feeling better emotionally today. Getting things off our chests can be helpful even if some of the "venting" is negative for the time, that is how we feel.

Yes I thought after I said it that there is mostly shared space in a home but maybe (if it happens again) and the workshop comes in onto the kitchen table calmly move it all to one half and declare that the other side of the table is yours to eat from or do what you like!


Being thrust into full time carer role of my H is exasperated because it happened not long after I had been practically a sole full time carer for his mother (who lived nearby so the carer role made sense in that respect) After rearing my boys who are spread out in age I feel there has never been a time where I haven't been responsible for others with little time free for myself. The other difficult thing is to try and still see my H as a husband, friend and father of my children and not as a patient or as being child like in a sense (he needs help dressing, showering, taking medication and can do very little to nothing to help me with any other chores) That is the really tough thing as a carer - to do my roles and not make H feel useless or "less" of a a man. Another tough thing is constantly having to look out for him because his balance is shot and though he has walking aids he falls over easily which worries the crap out of me if I have to go out for a little while to get some groceries or medicines etc. (though I do time those essential outings) So yes, it can all get me down always being on the look out and worrying too what will happen if I have to be admitted to hospital etc. I have put off lots of niggling things that need attention like a fallen uterus, varicose veins and a dodgy knee already.

OK ENOUGH VENTING FROM ME.....though it was less of a vent and more just to let you know what I am dealing with on a day to day basis (hmmm, as well as trying to get back to my healthy weight)


Keep well and safe everyone. x x

Wow, looks like we all posted at the same time!! That is great news re the scar tissue (Kathleen I gather from Holly above, I will try to remember)

And well done Holly on your productive day.

I'm still here.

:wave: :hug: and we are here for you Lisa!

gah!!! was in the middle of such a long post to TREEMBBS about commiserating and I pushed some random key and away it went :( I will come back later to finish!!

TREEMBBS Oh my gosh...that you were your mother-in-laws full time caregiver...now you do that for your husband :( wow. And not that long after your sons had grown? I know marriage is supposed to be 'for better or worse' but life is so unfair sometimes. I'm so sorry you have a really, really tough burden to deal with :( and yeah, it must be rough for the ill person to not feel bad about themselves not being able to do anything anymore...very tough :( :hug:but they should also realize it is not up to you to do things so that they don't feel bad about themselves, you are doing enough by doing everything in the household! I am thinking of you! and here is some sunshine for you :sunny:and hope that like me, when you have a particularly rough day, think 'maybe tomorrow will be better;.

Welcome!!!!

Thank you, Kathleen.

PT was good yesterday. I'm improving gradually. My numbers are getting better. He measures how far my knee bends and also how straight it will go.

​​​​​​ Yesterday, was a pretty good day.

Holly: Yes, I am SO relieved that my ultrasound came back okay. Thank you for the congratulations on my 5 and 1/2 year breast cancer survivor mark! It sure feels good to have that behind me. I am blessed to be alive! 🙏

My son is doing much better and has not vaped since his most recent scare with difficulty breathing. He was diagnosed with asthma when he was 6 yrs old. He was an extreme premie (28 weeks & a twin), so his lungs were fragile from the start. He mainly had sports induced asthma, and he grew out of it in his teens. But, obviously, with his history, he should not be vaping... so I truly hope and pray that he has quit for good.

We don't really "close" the lake house, so we can come all year round. But, in the past, we have quit coming up when the weather turns cold (yuck!!!) and hockey season starts (since we go to many Blue Jackets games). I'm not sure when the next hockey season will start, considering the Stanley Cup playoffs are currently still going on. Also, with not much else to do due to COVID, maybe we will come up longer into the fall toward winter this year. Nothing beats the summer at the lake, though!

That's too bad that you weren't on your bike much this summer. I know how you love to ride! I wouldn't be the type to adventure solo either. So sorry to hear that your husband has been having balance problems and that everything in his body hurts. 🙁 Do you know why? I hope he's okay! 🙏

Your clutter clearing abilities and yard work skills amaze me! Good for you for all that you accomplished. It exhausted me just reading about it! Lol! Did you do a lot of gardening this summer? Do you have blooms into the fall?

TREEMBBS: Yes, I was really scared when the Nurse Practitioner thought she might have felt something in my left breast. That is where my original tumor was. I am VERY relieved that the ultrasound came back okay.

My son is 24 years old. I hate that he ever took up the terribly unhealthy habit of vaping in the first place. As I wrote to Holly, his lungs have been fragile from the start since he was extremely premature, so it was especially bad for him. I just hope and pray that he IS really done for good.

Thank you for sharing your daily life with us. You sound like a wonderful caretaker! ❤ It is so nice of you to have taken care of your mother-in-law. And now your husband. Although I know you probably do it out of the goodness of your heart and out of love, that is truly a lot of responsibility and stress on you, I would imagine. It is admirable the way you are so sensitive to your husband's needs and don't want to make him feel "less" of a man or useless. I also like how you try to see him as a husband, friend, and father of your children instead of a patient or as being child-like since he is dependent on you for so much. He is so blessed to have you! I sure wish you had some time for yourself and your needs, too. It sounds like you have some health needs of your own that could use attention. How old are your children? Are they able to help out with your husband at all? Please feel free to vent anytime you need to. I am so happy you are here! 😊

Hello everyone,

I hope Monday finds you well.

It's 78° here, it's wonderful out.

PT went really good. My knee and body are working hard. The scar looks great.

I burnt my hand on the oven. It's pretty bad and it hurt like a MOFO. I'd post a pic but I don't know how on this board.

We've started weighing me at PT. I've lost 7 lbs since last Monday. Yeah, you read that right. 286 to 279. I've been eating better and he challenges me in PT. I thought my stomach looked flatter.

Have a great Monday.

Lisa - Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your hand! :( is it any better today?? i sure hope so. I've had good results with aloe plant goop, but that is only helpful to you if you have an aloe plant around. best wishes to quick healing!

and whoa on losing those pounds so quick!! yay for you!! :cheer2: Boy that PT person is great :D and yay for your scar lookin good and doing the hard work in PT. You rock! :cool:

Hi Kathleen :wave: well my gardens were looking spectacular if my may say so :D and then we had 3 nights of around 28 - 32 degrees :( I covered as much as I could...but you can't cover everything. So what I still have blooming are about 5 large planters of pink, purple and white petunias, about 3 or 4 sunflowers, some zinnias, some petunias on the ground that self-seeded; and about 5 other hanging plants. Oh and some nice large patches of nasturtiums. Ok alot :D makes me happy I could save them. And our forecast, now that we've had that killing frost, is showing at least a week of much milder; 40's at night and high 60's during the day :sunny:

Sorry all life took over at my house.

Hope to be back to chat soon x x

My "kids" are - 2 late 40's, 1 mid 30's and my "baby" early 30's - so not kids any more, all with kids of their own and some of their kids with kids of their own too (our great grandkids) Big family x

TREEMBBS oh wow you have GREAT-grandkids also, how wonderful!!! do your children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren live near you??

Lisa how is your hand? and the rest of you ? so great to have you back!

Hello Kathleen!! so great that you've been back here too!!

Kinda worried about our Pat - I will keep faith that she is okay :hug:

will try to come back later today to tell of my household frustrations, but I guess there is tiny improvement. Oh and I did not get the job I applied for, bummer.

I'm sorry I'm not saying much. I wish I could be talkative but I'm just quiet. I'm still here tho.

I'm so glad you are here Lisa :) even if it's in the background, and you do just what you need :hug:

Still thinking of Pat (Flower) and hoping so much that she is OK!!!

And a big Hi :wave: to Kathleen

I have been trying to practice positive thinking and being grateful for what I have, it is something I need to do like hourly :rolleyes: to prevent depressive thoughts.

I am SO incredibly sad. On Monday, our 10 and 1/2 year old Cocker Spaniel started acting "not himself;" lethargic and not responding to us much. This lasted about a half hour and then he seemed okay. Then, very late last night (Tuesday), he went and layed in the corner and was not acting himself again. He was not very responsive and his breathing was very labored. We took him to the emergency vet. They discovered that he had a mass on or near his spleen that had ruptured. He would have required emergency abdominal surgery, which would have been very hard on an older dog; possible death due to complications during surgery... and the tumor was 85% an aggressive malignant kind that might have already spread. ☹ We had to make the gut wrenching decision to put him to sleep. 😢 Thankfully, despite their COVID restrictions, they made an exception and allowed us to be with him since it was euthanasia. But we are all heartbroken. 💔 He and my son were the absolute BEST buddies ever. He is devastated. 😢

Lisa, still and especially now thinking of you for your loss of Elvira. ❤

Hello to Holly, TREEMBBS, and Pat!

Holly: So sorry that you didn't get the job you applied for. ☹ I am confident that something else will come your way! 🙏