being accountable while grieving: logging calories, goals and thoughts
 

Due to experiences after my mother's death last month I have been eating my feelings. Let's just say there is the opposite of support in what is left of my family. Which leaves me with not enough positivity to post or respond to lots of posts in the regular area of 3FC. Thus I am starting my own accountability while grieving (or depressed) thread.

Not sure how I am going to cut back on the calories, But I do need to remove weight gain from the list of what I am dealing with. So I will be writing the calories I eat each day. Hopefully I can succeed in being accountable. If anyone else wants to join in, that's great.

Today's goal is to not have any chocolate or other forms of refined sugar.
Projected food for the day:
Coffee 200
Bamba 480
salad 300
fruit 220
chicken with vegetables 300
1500 calories

I'm sorry you've lost your mother, flower123. Trying not to stress eat takes a lot of effort, doesn't it?

aww thanks for your kind words. Yes its a challenge considering a brother, father and mother all are gone now. No kids, BF or DH. Thanks again for the kind words <3

So Wednesday was pretty good.
Coffee 250?
Bamba 480
Peaches 200
Bone broth with carrots, onion and cabbage 300?
1220

thursday not so great

Coffee 150
Rolini 250
Bamba 480
Peaches 200
salad 220??
Chicken meatball soup 350?
total for day 1650 :(
note to self, no chocolate or Rolini. After shopping, go home without anything to eat in the car.
Hiatal Hernia and corresponding valves so far are not in crisis today. Whewwww What a relief. One whole day without a lot of pain and acid. woohoooo. I woke with a panic attack this morning. I get them when I do intense healing work, which I did last night. So I took stuff to go back to sleep because there is no other way I can manage the attacks. And they are painful. I did finally fall back to sleep and when I woke up... many hours later, the attack was gone. so yay for healing work and the stuff I took that helped me to sleep through it.

This whole trying to reel in the food intake is tiring. Yesterday was an epic failure. Saturday is not great so far. I want to be inspiring with my control over food. My concern is that I list my motivation when mother died. She couldn't stand it when I was not thin. So I made sure to stay within a certain weight range....

Oh flower123, I'm sorry.

Now that your mom is gone it will be important to find a weight that makes YOU happy. I certainly can understand why we do things to please other people, but now you can be making that decision and doing what is best for you.

Please don't feel guilty if you can't maintain that weight your mom approved of. I know you will find your balance soon. These are difficult times, I know.

Thank you for those words straight from the heart. Sorry it took so long for me to reply to this. Have been staying away partially because I was eating out of control. But necessity requires I get back to dieting. These extra lbs are way too uncomfortable. AND I need to feel comfortable wearing my summer clothing. So will try to get back on the weight loss wagon. I hope you are doing well <3

Trying to get food back under control. I have gained so much that almost none of the clothing fit. And I have a gut and back fat.
Yesterday I ate a while rotisserie chicken plus a pound of peaches and a big chunk of carrot cake.
Today has been better. Not great but the best I can do under the circumstances.
coffee 250
Bamba 480
Peaches 200
Salad 300
Tuna with low fat mayo 250
cucumber 30
Total for day 1510

I am hoping for a repeat tomorrow. This is the very best I can do atm. I am pretty hurtin' lots going on.

Today I managed somehow to not pack on an outrageous amount of calories. It was not great. But could have been much worse. AND I did a lot of physical work. Heavy lifting and running around getting garage cleared out. Lots of cartons etc. Then bringing them to donate. Hopefully I burned some fat in the process

Coffee 250
B Bamba 480
S Peaches 200
L Salad 270
D Chicken breast 200
Total for day 1400

I'm so sorry for your loss Flower. I'm an emotional eater too. I started my weight loss journey one week before my engagement ended and I was very worried that my depression would cause me to eat my feelings. There were days that I cried at the gym but it was the best place for me to go because I always felt better after doing something good for myself. I'm not comparing what I'm going through to your loss at all but I think it's always good to remind ourselves to take care of ourselves and be kind to ourselves and our bodies. Sometimes it's helpful to find a healthy activity to replace the emotional eating.

Thank you. First, I am sorry that your engagement ended. But I am glad to read that you were able to find release when you worked out at the Gym. Great job with that !!!

Today emotionally could have been worse. It was/still is my birthday. The first one where there would be no card or call from my mother.
I held it together fine for the most part. Except when I was talking with my aunt. My brother's widow and my surviving brother and his wife did not call me or send cards. Finally at 8pm I turned off my ringer. But others did call and send cards. So I am blessed for those who are not my immediate family.

I had salmon, Mashed Avocado with olive oil and onion on slices of cucumber. Then I went wild and had a lot of ice cream. Thats something I never eat. For dinner I will have a salad.

Happy Birthday Flower!!
I can’t imagine how hard it is to be without your mother on your birthday but I’m glad you have people in your life that love you and remembered your special day. Your food sounds delicious by the way. Hope today is good to you.

So far so good today. But its early for me. so more damage can be done.
So far:
coffee 200
vegan "cheese" puffs 480
Peaches 200
tuna, onion, low calorie mayo. on cucumber slices 300

Tried on a skirt today I had not worn for months. The waist was def tighter than I like. I have gained weight
around my waist. And it is not cortisol/stress hormone gain. I take a supplement for overproduction of cortisol.
I called a place to buy cocoa powder. but they no longer sell the kind I like most.

Thank you! I have no idea how I missed your post yesterday. But I did see it today. Hope you had a good day today <3

Happy Birthday, flower123!

Thanks. That's really kind of you <3

Today was pretty easy. Still would like lower calories. But it was not as bad as yesterday. I had
Coffee 200
bamba 480
Halo Gold top chocolate chip cookie dough low cal. ice cream 360
Stir "fry" onion, carrot, cabbage, chicken, ginger, coconut amino, soy sauce,fresh garlic and org. better than bouillon. 320
total for day 1360

3 1/2 months ago bought a special kind of yogurt powder that is supposed to be highly medicinal. Bravo Yogurt powder. Then I got an instant pot to make the yogurt. All of it cost 200 dollars. Big chunk of money. 1/4 of what I get to live on for the money. Big mistake. I could not figure out the complex instructions.

After mom got very sick and died I stopped trying to deal with it. Then I tried again this week. The woman who sold it to me told me she would talk me through it. I trusted her and today spent yet another 8 dollars on milk that had to be less than 6 days old. Turns out her idea of talking me through it is texting, "what's next". Seriously? I feel like I should have known better. Brought up age old learning disabilities and how stupid I felt. Costly mistake :( Cannot return the instant pot because I got it through Amazon 3 1/2 months ago. Certainly cannot return the yogurt powder I bought from her. This protocol promised to be excellent. But for me it was just another reminder of how I do not process info like other folks. Why I failed in school. Rant over.

Sunday was a bit of an odd eating day. I decided I wanted to get some chicken wing halves. 6 of them. The last time I did that they had been sitting a long time on the hot food bar and were concentrated and delicious. Most of the fat had dripped off. They were quite small. Still I knew they were way off plan.

Last night I went 15 minutes before the hot food bar closed. He had already removed the food. But he said he could package 6 wing halves for me. I was so looking forward to the 4 hour old wings that had most of the fat heated off. I saw the guy weigh those wings to price them and was gobsmacked. six halves weighed one pound. I did not have the courage to tell him i changed my mind. I got home and they were very big. AND they tasted like they had just come out of a fryer. very fatty. BUT I ate them anyway. They were delicious. Teriyaki sauce covered them

Today I tried to be good. It did not work out exactly as I had planned.
Coffee 200
Bamba 480
Rolini 130
Peaches 200
Smoked turkey breast 210
salad 280
samples 100
total for day . 1600

Friday
Coffee 200
Turkey jerky 240
Peaches 200
Ice cream 320
Salad 280
hot chocolate 60
Total for day 1300 yay

Saturday I will be buying things to make blonde brownies with chocolate chips and peanutbutter topping. This is a food mistake waiting to happen. I chose dessert for a barbecue my condo complex is having. I have been throwing out and giving away things in my condo. I by mistake threw out my personal recipe book that I have been writing recipes in for 35 years. Ykes! I might make oatmeal cookies though. With raisins and sesame oil added in. The only problem with that is I would have to make 25 cookies. I guess I could. Maybe thats what I will make. Of course I do not have my oatmeal raisin cookie recipe. But I did find one online that seemed okay. It feels healthier than the blonde brownies. Either way it will be fattening. I sure do wish someone else was not bringing the watermelon for their dessert

Messed up a lot tonight. But I knew I would. I tried to buy strawberries for tomorrows condo complex barbecue. But there are people with young kids. I think they would not want their kids eating conventional strawberries. Someone else is bringing watermelon. I had already said I would probably bring blonde brownies with double chips and peanut butter. So That's what I made. I ate a few brownies. And too much of the peanut butter topping which is 100 calories per Tablespoon. The good news is I cannot eat more. I only made half a recipe. If I ate more there would not be enough for the condo people tomorrow.
Coffee 200
Turkey jerky 240
Peaches 200
way too much brownies
Salad 300
Total, I do not want to know :(

Tonight I was reminded of the alkalizing and detoxing properties of watermelon. While it should really be organic and my diet should be more clean to utilize the properties, I will eat it every day instead of the puffs, rolini, other bad for me stuff and halo ice cream. I hope I can get some good healing results using this. I decided to do this many hours after eating the bad for me stuff. Although Bamba is not really nasty. It is non GMO. and has very few ingredients

Coffee 200
rolini 120
boneless wings 250
Bamba 480
watermelon 250
Salad 300
total for day 1600 Not a good food day.

I told someone i would go to the grocery store for her as often as she needs. She is ill. I did not realize she was going to be asking me to go often to a health food store in another town. This is WAY outside of my comfort zone. But it was too late for me to retract the offer.
On the bright side, it will inspire me to pray for her health and strength to quickly return. lol. Honestly, I do not see this as a short term situation, thus commitment. Hopefully she will have mercy and send me to the health food store in the same town in which we live. The one I go to.

been eating my feelings.
Today, Saturday I will do better.
planned:
coffee 200
popchips 360
Turkey 240
peaches 200
salad 300
total 1300

Hi Flower, I just saw your thread here. I don't have a lot of time to read the forum or news posts. I seem to only be able to focus on the check in that I'm in. I have missed your posts and have thought about you often. I just lifted you up in prayer. :hug:

Thanks Diana. Yes, you have everything you can do to keep up with your community thread. I am grateful for the prayer. I would go back to the daily accountability but I do not have the fortitude to keep up with personals. Otherwise I would gratefully be there. Sending blessings and angels <3

Been way off plan. Just have set up new counterproductive eating habits now. So there is nothing positive to report. Not even bothering to detail my food. However, it could be worse. I probably am 5 lbs above where I was last year. 10 lbs above where I would be when I would go to see my mother. lol, now she can see me all the time. :D

Flower You are still working through things so that's good. You will get to where you need to be in time. :hug:

Thank you. Blessings to you Diana <3

okay, this food thing is getting way out of control. Cannot do this alone secluded on a thread. Will have to figure out another tactic. I am way into a new eating pattern that is not okay. I have to stop it now. Even though the habit of it is set in. Enough is enough!! Sitting here with a gut is not okay.

I made 4 dark chocolate things today. melted bittersweet Belgian chocolate. Roasted peanuts. Granola and diced dried apricots all mixed together. Then spread like a cookie shape on wax paper. They were supposed to be for dessert for a friend and me tomorrow. I ate mine tonight. I cannot do this alone. No way. Its gotten a lot worse in the past several days. Maybe since I found out my aunt has cancer. That really hit me hard after the death of my mother. They were very close friends for more than 70 years. Scared I will lose my aunt. Have lost too many people now. Almost no one left.
food today:

coffee 200
hot chocolate 160?
popchips 350
watermelon 200
pint of halo gold top low cal vegan ice cream 360
shrimp with coconut aminos, onion, sesame oil garlic and ginger 300
salad with low fat feta and low cal blue cheese dressing. 250
2 chocolate candy things written about above. I do not even want to think about calories
I am on a one way road to weight gain **** and I need to turn it around

Writing daily intake here is not helping. Eating been increasingly out of control for 3 months. So I am switching to the daily accountability thread where i hopefully will feel more pressure to stay accountable. My hope is that in 3 weeks time I will be back down to where I feel good in my clothes and more comfortable in my body. the cost will be higher for the food I buy. But then, I will be buying less food. So I am hoping to even save. I am hoping this is the last time I will be posting on this thread.

I also reported it last night.

Sorry to hear this. I hope you are feeling better. Great food choice!

Hello Flower!! I am so sorry to hear the struggling in your words :(