[ciel213]

Hello all...

I haven't posted much before but I am at a point where I want to change so badly that I will attempt anything new that might help spark the fire. A little about me: I am a 35 year old, single mom. I work full time in county government in a job I love, take care of my son and have returned to college to complete my degree. I was with my son's father for eight years; it was a very unhealthy relationship and the exit process was very difficult. Shortly after I herniated two discs in my back, making even the most basic activities like sleeping, using the bathroom, and tying my shoes, excruciatingly painful. Poor management by well-meaning doctors put me on medications that cause 70lbs of weight gain in about four months. I nearly ended my life several times during this period.

I luckily found an amazing pain surgeon who was able to allow me to reclaim my body and mobility through two small out-patient procedures. After that, I began making small changes, (seeing a counselor, getting back into acting, getting a better job, returning to school, etc.,) and slowly but surely I began to climb out of a deep chasm of depression. I am still not completely out; I'd say I'm about 60% back to the joyous person I used to be. I don't know if I can ge there again (a terrifying thought for me,) but I feel I have to try. I feel like I need to find joy in life in order to invest in myself enough to make the change.

I was set up for my abusive ex-husband through a unhealthy family of origin and a relationship with my parents that left me feeling unworthy and unlovable. Throw in some early-life trauma and I was desperate to accept anyone who was willing to love me and primed for dysfunction. At eight I witnessed a physical altercation between my parents; this fight culminated in my dad kicking my mom out of the house without me or any belongings. In the end my dad held me hostage as he negotiated with police for hours. Years later I would stumble across the mental health files that stated an eight-year-old me had stopped speaking for several weeks after that. I know that is where my eating disorder truly began.
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I have been dating the same guy for over three years. From the beginning he has told me that I was the biggest girl he had ever been with. He also told me that he wasn't sure if he could stay with me long term as he he didn't know if he could be happy with me at this size. He is 6'6", who grew up inside a major national park and is a lifelong hiker, boulder, rock-climber and all around adventurer. I simply cannot keep up with him at this weight and so I can understand why he might be unhappy with me long term. On the other hand, it makes me extremely resentful that I have all this pressure to change or lose the relationship, especially when he has no conception for the magnitude of what I am facing internally and doesn't face his own (crippling depression) with any consistency.

We almost ended our relationship recently but I begged for six months to make a change, stating I don't want to lose him. This is true as he is a great, kind and generous man in most regards. But I have so much resentment over this that I have found I have been sabotaging myself a lot in the last few days. That's why I am here. I have very little support network that can understand. I am hoping I'll find it here or at the very least find some catharsis in writing all this out.

I guess I will accept any advice or support, but my biggest questions are: How do you find motivation after deep depression? How do you guard against self-sabotage? How can I overcome the fear that if I lose weight I still won't be good enough? How do you cultivate motivation/willingness to self-invest?

[junkatarian]

I don't know the answer to your questions. I wish I did because then I would have my own problems solved. Dealing with mental health issues and weight can be very challenging as eating can be a way to help deal with the emotional challenges, but in the end if you are eating unhealthy you are in reality creating more problems for yourself.

It sounds like your partner really wants to see you healthier and possibly involved more in his outdoor activities. Those are good things to want from a partner, but if it is not attainable for you at the current time then I can understand how this would be extremely painful and feel like a lack of support from someone who you probably want to be able to count on for that very thing. I would say continue talking to him about it. Let him know how you feel. Ultimately I think you need to be motivated for yourself.

In your weight loss efforts you have to keep at it. It looks like you have already made huge progress. Hopefully in time it gets easier and becomes more second nature. Partially it will always present a challenge day-to-day. Good luck!

[amelbeabk]

I completely agree with other comments about seeking professional help. Talking to someone confidentially about everything going on in your head can help set things straight in a surprisingly Kodi nox great way.