Today I stayed on plan for maintenance. I want to lose the few lbs I gained. But apparently not enough to let go of the carbs and higher calories
b coffee 200
Peaches 200
L salad 280
s bamba. 480
D chicken mock chili 320
total for day 1480

Hoping for an on plan day today, Wednesday. Things worked out well for food on Tuesday. going to go back to an old online support group that I used to post on daily. Will still write my daily food here.

Today was on plan for food. It's pretty easy to stay on plan when I indulged the previous day. Large single wrapped ph cookie. 2packets of peanut butter. Bittersweet chocolate calets and some Celtic salt. Oh dear, that's quite a dessert.

late this afternoon I felt hopeless and powerless over a certain thing that happened. So I went out and got food. Flatbread GF pizza for one. With added cheese and onion. And a salted nuts kind bar. Then a few hour later went out to get carrot cake from the health food store. Other people must have had the same idea. So I had to settle for bittersweet chocolate callets. Thinking of a Prozac drip no calorie tally today.

Be very kind to each other and yourselves. Know that you matter. No matter who you are or what challenges you experience. You matter. Treat yourself, if you can, like you would treat the most precious human being. We are one. Just as the drops in the ocean. Just as the leaves of the live oak tree. We are one.

Today will likely be sn off plan day. I will not binge. That seems to be something I no longer do. For decades if I went off plan, it was permission to binge. Idk what happened to change that. Probably age and more consciousness around food and my body. I hope this consciousness will extend even further in to eating for health. I somewhat do that. But there are foods, like low acid coffee I must cut back on.

Today I tried to combine comfort food with reasonable eating. It didn't work out perfectly. But I did stay in charge most of the time. Instead of something very fattening I had Asian stir fry with extra sodium, corn starch and sesame oil. I got a small amount of chocolate callets. I woke up extremely late. So I am guessing I will fall asleep no earlier than sunrise.

Friday would have been okay. Except at night I went to return carrot in very bad condition and bought a kind bar.

today the pain has been so intense that I ate chocolate. Really I feel like I need a Large tray of assorted cheeses and some crusty bread. Along with a bottle of Pinot noir. Too many people are turning to me with their problems. I am very good at assisting people. I listen, support and encourage people to Speak about whatever they need to. I did it full time many years ago until my health suffered so much that I was forced to officially stop.

Now I just do it for people in need, for as long as they need me.
But I get left with no one to ever return that favor. I think this morning was a last straw. A woman with deep extreme suffering gave me her problems for hours on video chat. I was glad to be of service. But after a few hours she mentioned she had heard previously pain in my voice. And it made her need to stay away from me for days. The next time we spoke was a marathon session where I was again helping her. she asked me about something with myself. I didn't get through one sentence before she changed the subject back to her. I helped her until 7:30 in the morning when mercifully my iPad ran out of battery. Then I finally was able to go to bed. She felt MUCH BETTER.

I was told yet again that my pain is irrelevant and I am only needed to assist others. So today I just wanted to eat. But I didn't have the money For eggs and baguette. So I had chocolate and bamba. Together they cost $1.96. I also had peaches. Still wanting comfort food. Update: I went out at 8:30pm and got food. The eggs and baguette would have been cheaper and healthier. Calories for the day, abdurdly high.

Depression has been much worse as needed weekly medical care was cut by Medicare. So I am having to pay out of pocket. The Dr reduced the price for me. But I could barely afford food at the end of the month before this new 36 dollar a month cost. I cancelled my last 2 appointments which has left me feeling quite physically ill.

I realized the only place where I can take the money from is groceries. That is resulting in a threat to the emotional eating. But if course I am doing it.
coconut creamer for decaf being substituted with private label store brand creamora.
No more frozen fruit, a fav if mine.
No more packages of sugar snap peas.
Going to try to cut back on proteins too. Last year I cut back significantly. But it's time again to make more cuts.

I didn't have enough money at the end of the month. Even before this new bill. So cutting food costs is necessary. And no more making greeting cards. That should free up enough money to pay the Dr. With enough left over to pay most of the heat bill in the frozen tundra where I live, lol. Some days colder than many places in Alaska.

Being a senior citizen on a very low fixed income is getting harder in this day and age. Not sure if people in similar circumstances will be able to hold on. But for now, I will cut food budget wherever possible. For anyone reading, sorry to sound so depressing. But I guess it's okay to write here considering this us "the depression forum" area

Thursday
flatbread pizza for 1 620
bamba 480
2 cookies 240
samples 200
coffee 200
chicken with vegetables 300
sorry total for the day 1940

friday so far
coffee 200
bamba 480
salad 250 (projected)
chicken with vegetables 300 (projected )
projected calories for day: 1230

Been eating less because I have had to cut way back on my food budget. No treats except a dollar bag of Bamba. 480 is a lot of calories for one dollar.

Today I am going to substitute a $2.24 dollar bag of vegan puffs. But I should only spend that much money on a snack food once a week.

Cut out sugar snap peas, all fruit and coconut creamer. Substituted powdered store brand creamer which will save around 25 dollars a month. No more cookies, chocolate or other expensive snack foods. No more salad bar. So total savings is in excess of $130.00 per month. I think it will be more than $ 150.00. Hopefully this will be enough of a cut so I can pay the ever increasing cost of monthly bills. Plus the new dr bill of 36 dollars per month because Medicare has decided to cut back on coverage for a necessary dr.

Life and depression have become much harder due to all of this. But the dieting is a bit easier considering I no longer can buy all the eliminated foods. But again, those $1.00 bags of bamba are quite high in calories.

i still am too afraid to weigh myself. Next thing is to substitute some of the low acid decaf coffee with the high calorie powdered creamer for tea with a bit of wild cherry concentrate. I don't like tea. But it's cheaper than coffee. And should be less fattening considering I recently have been drinking around 8 cups of decaf per day with the creamer. Goal is to cut back to 4 cups of coffee. And 4 cups of tea. And by some miracle find my love for tea. Hope springs eternal.

Depression at this time is much much more intense as it is for many in the US. I suspect this will become more prevailant in weeks and months to come. It's important for this to not cause me to eat more, as it did for many months prior. Now I have the budget that may prevent that. I do plan to eat all I want 12 days from today. But that's just one day.
Wednesday:
Coffee 300
bamba 480
salad with feta cheese 250
chicken with vegetables 260
total for day 1290