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Ibelieveinme2 - Thank you for your kindness. You are incredibly sweet.
I am sorry if my response is a little long. I don't mean to make this thread all about me or anything. To answer your question - I work as a manager (without authority) of a third party's work for our company. I have not been happy for a couple of years now. I feel an extreme lack of meaning in the forty hours I perform this work. Like my purpose is about making money. Because I do not have direct authority over the third party, it can be extremely frustrating. I hate begging, cajoling, and manipulating people. There are some pleasant things I like about my work and I really love the people in my department...But this job has whittled away at me over the years and right now I am just so done. I feel like a robot, a shell of my former self. I would like to move to a role where I'm affecting people's lives in a positive way and in a way that's more tangible. I don't have a social work degree, so I was hoping to transition to that sector as a program manager or coordinator. I'm not sure what's available or even if I am qualified. I feel awful complaining about my job. When I first came to this company I had nothing and had been essentially couch surfing for a couple of months. And all of a sudden I had benefits and fulltime employment. I could afford to live. There are tons of people who make less (not that I am wealthy or anything of the sort) or who don't have jobs. But I'm just so unhappy and feel so frozen to change anything. From what I understand, Vyvanse curbs your appetite so that you are less prone to binge. I'm calling my doctor this morning and making an appointment hopefully for this week. I am hoping she obliges and writes the prescription. I already do other things to curb my desire to binge like going to the gym, eating three healthy meals a day, hot baths when I want to binge or overeat, different CBT techniques, not keeping binge foods in the house etc. I am still thinking if I should blow my "play" money this week to get rid of it so I won't have the opportunity to binge. I would never take family money and waste it on bingeing. I do want to get some more business/interview clothes and a haircut. I have been so depressed that even though we are not supposed to, I have been wearing casual clothes to work and not really caring. I would like to look professional and put together, like I used to. I feel if I keep this play money in my account its going to disappear into the tills of grocery stores and coffee shops. I do not have a therapist, to answer your question. I only have short term therapy immediately accessible that is once a year. I did not think my therapy last year helped as I was just continuously reliving bad memories. I am going to chat with my doctor to see if there are any CBT therapists that I would be eligible to see. My husband knows that I want to get a prescription for Vyvanse and is supportive. However, I think he assumes binge eating simply means that I am taking two portions of a meal rather than one. He doesn't realize the bingeing happens when he isn't there and is such an enormous amount of cakes, etc. Stuff I normally never touch. I'm realizing as I type this that my bingeing used to be far worse before we got married. It is bad now, but it was horrible then...the intensity and frequency of my binges are hard to recollect. So I guess I am proud of myself for the work I have done in that regard. I just want to move on with my life and leave bingeing and my job behind. I wish you peace at home. I do not like tension either and I don't accept it. I'm not sure what your situation is. I grew up in a very abusive and chaotic household. As an adult I found it difficult to detach. Finally a few years ago I went no contact for quite some time. Some relationships aren't there anymore, but some have just gotten better and stronger. I think journaling is s good idea. Another idea might be to record yourself...like make a video diary with your phone. I'm finding lately that saying things in this way helps me see myself in a different light in a way. Like I can have compassion for myself. I haven't been doing video diaries but visualizing myself talking in my head. Just a suggestion. I might try the video diary technique myself this week. |
Cinnamonhearts: Please don't ever worry about how long or short your posts are. Just share what is on your mind and in your heart. :) You have good insights.
I hope you will be able to find other employment soon. That is lousy and sad that you feel like a robot or, as you said, a shell of your former self. :( That must really wear you down day in and day out. At least you love the people in your department. That definitely helps. That is great that you have several "tools" you use to cope with your binge behavior. It sure sounds like you have worked on it quite a bit and made some significant progress. I am happy to hear that you are proud of yourself for that. :) CBT therapy would definitely help, too. I hope that your doctor can help you find a good therapist. It seems like that would help to have that ongoing support in your life for both the bingeing and job issues. Maybe just tell the new therapist (if you get one) up front that you don't want to keep rehashing old stuff, but that you are working toward moving forward. My therapy has always been cognitive behavioral focused and it is the best therapy for me. That's good that your husband is supportive. But, at the same time, they don't always "get" our issues, do they? I grew up in a very dysfunctional household and, as an adult, had to stay away from most family members (including my parents; I am the youngest of 7 children) for several years while I was working on some major issues. Then, I went back to my family after my older brother had a massive stroke and almost died (almost 10 years ago). I chose to resume my family relationships at that point but with a better understanding of the dysfunctional dynamic and with lowered expectations for the relationships. As I mentioned to LovelyLeah in my last post, I have been married for 23 years. I'm old... 50. ;) My husband and I have gone through some pretty tragic things together (death of an infant child, handicapped child, mental health hospitalizations for me twice, breast cancer for me in 2015, & serious strain on our marriage due to some of these and other traumatic life events). There is a very strong underlying bond of love and faith that has allowed us to stay together, but there are also several underlying negative/dysfunctional issues in our marriage that come up periodically (like now) and cause major stress for both of us and our entire family. As I am typing all of this, I am thinking, "why am I telling her all of this?" I guess I am just giving you an extremely LONG response to your comment that you're not sure what my situation is. Those are my family of origin and current family situations. I like your video diary idea, especially how you say it helps you to see yourself in a different light and have compassion for yourself. I need that. I will have to figure out how to record myself on my phone, though, because I'm not very tech-savvy. LOL, it's probably really easy, right? :lol: Nice chatting with you! :) You are a welcome addition to our group! :hug: |
Waving HELLO to everyone else! :wave: Hope everyone is having a good week so far! :D
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H friends!! CinnamonHearts, please know that you can write anything here, and make it as long as you like. I myself like to read all about others! I'm so sorry you are feeling so defeated in your current job. You sound like you could bring so much to the right position, I hope so much you can find it. I understand the feeling of feeling frozen in place. You have the security of pay and benefits which is great but not good if you are feeling 'a shell of yourself' :(
what a great suggestion to do a vlog of yourself, yes we need compassion for ourselves, we can be so hard on ourselves!! yes our Kathleen is so sweet isnt she :) Lisa we are thinking of you getting settled in your new home and hope for your return soon :) IBelieveInMe (Kathleen) thank you for your long and detailed posts!! Haha thank you for commiserating on my evil thoughts to the inconsiderate (and criminal !) neighbors. Our property always looks a mess in early Spring and I am not going to do any picking up til I am ready..and if it looks ugly to them, too bad :devil: I am so sorry though to hear you are having horrible tension in your household again :( :( :( I hate that!! I hope SO much it gets resolved SOON. Do whatever you need for YOU to get though this tough time. Vent here and don't worry about not having time to address all of us as you so thoughtfully do. We are pulling for you!!! Oh and yes I am being super careful driving..I've been closing the store about 10 or 15 minutes early each night (without telling the bad boss :D ) so I have a few more precious minutes of light. thank GOODNESS daylight savings time is in about 2 weeks, and my first surgery is the end of this month. and HI to everyone else!! :) Lisa, Coop, Monica, LovelyLeah, Helianthus, JesikaBeth, hope I haven't forgotten anyone!! Maybe because it's March 1 but I FINALLY think maybe Im ready to start a better way of eating and stick to it. I am going to try South Beach again, if I can stick to it, it works. I did tell my husband, I didn't say I expected both of us on it, just said "i'm putting myself on South Beach" to let him know. I have been feeling so blah and I know it's due to huge amounts of sugar and white flour and not caring. It starts now! *edit Jeez I almost lost this post because I forgot to open another window 'just in case' but I did save it in time , Yay! |
Hello everyone. Sorry for being MIA. Since my mom passed away January 20th, I've been struggling. I managed to gain 14 pounds too, sigh :(
I'm doing better now, and am back on Weight Watchers too. I've lost just shy of 8 pounds in 2 weeks :carrot: Still having a hard time with grief, but my psychiatrist increased my medication a bit to help me better cope. I do feel a bit better, I suppose. At least I'm functioning now. I wanted to come check in and say hello. I'll be back tomorrow morning. Have a good evening everyone :grouphug: |
Hi ladies, I am posting from my phone. Things here are coming together nicely. My back hurts. I can actually see the floor in the kitchen. Jennifer might be coming to visit this weekend. I want the place to look nice.
I will do personals when I get internet. I hope its soon. Much love to all. |
Kathleen – Yes it does wear me down every day. I don`t think I have felt as bad as I do now...I feel like I keep on finding new depths. I am glad that I enjoy the people I work with. They are nice people.
Thanks for letting me know that CBT has worked for you and for the suggestion to tell any new therapist that I do not want to rehash the bad things that have happened etc. I think I will do that! A relative of mine underwent about a year of CBT with a therapist and it has really changed her life. She still has some hard edges (I guess like most people) but she is one of the calmest and most hopeful people I know. It was through talking once with her that I realized that my therapy in which I was just talking about painful memories was not making my everyday life any easier. I have been reading a book on self esteem that is CBT-based and it is pretty amazing. It is where I learned the trick of visualizing yourself in front of you and having compassion for yourself. A lot of days I just find myself too overwhelmed to employ many techniques, but practicing even a few times over the last month or so has really improved my everyday experience. About husbands not always getting things...you are right. My husband, even when bad things have happened to him in life, has been a really happy and hopeful person. I compare myself a lot to him and beat myself up over it. Of course, we have had very different experiences. He had a Beaver Cleaver – type upbringing and I did not. So I think he has compassion for me and wants me to feel good about myself, but he simply cannot understand the depths of my negative thoughts and my feeling of hopelessness. Thank you for explaining your experiences growing up and in your marriage. I am sorry that those things happened to you. I understand about, as an adult, having a better understanding of family dynamics and having lowered expectations. I think it is one way we can salvage and get meaning out of family relationships, in some cases. I think it is amazing and awesome that you have been married for 23 years! It sounds like you and your husband have been through quite a lot. I don`t think your explanation was overly long; it is your life and what you have been going though. I like reading about other people’s lives and understanding them better. I am glad that you and your husband have a strong bond. If anyone has a Smartphone and is interested in the video diary idea...you can use the same app as you would use to take a picture. Usually on the app there is a picture of a video recorder. You press that and usually a red light comes on the app showing that it is recording. There is also usually a button the screen with a couple of arrows or something indicating flipping the screen. If you click the button it will flip the camera towards you, so that you don`t have to use the outward facing camera. VermontMom – thank you for being so warm and welcoming!!! Thank you for being supportive of my sometimes-long posts. I am really enjoying this thread; I like the idea of people supporting each other. About my job – my husband is encouraging me to apply for other things. It is hard because I do not have much confidence. My next appointment with my employment counsellor is in a week and a half. I hope she can help me. I just don`t feel confident that anyone would see anything good or special in me. At my work, I have been having a hard time seeing lots of people change roles and get promoted. Aside from my dissatisfaction with my role and its lack of meaning, I have had a few unpleasant experiences. So I feel beaten down and that I am not any good. I feel that I have mostly given up; for example – I used to work out every morning before work and arrive at work with styled hair, nice professional clothes, and makeup. I used to think I could reach for something better for myself career-wise and that I was worth it. And now...as I mentioned, often I will wear casual clothes to work (hoodies, leggings, etc.) and I haven`t worn makeup to work in months. I guess I am saying that I have sort of given up. About the people getting promotions and moving into new departments...I don’t want to stay in this role, in this company so it is not like I want the roles they have been given. But I think it is just bothering me that it underscores how little I am valued. Depressed or not, I am actually pretty cheerful at work (I fake it so perfectly...) and help anyone with anything. I am always trying to find new things to improve my work performance and our work processes. But I never get recognition; I am pretty invisible. So it just underscores how worthless I feel. My husband does not understand. He wants me to feel good about myself, but he tells me that work shouldn’t define who I am and that I shouldn’t care about what other people think. I just end up feeling worse because apparently I cannot be normal like other people. VermontMom – My mom once followed South Beach and she really liked it. I have come across a lot of people who have really benefitted from it and who like it. About sugar etc....I myself do not cut it out entirely – I just eat it sparingly when I am on track with my eating – but I can see where it might make you feel “blah”. I have experienced that myself. Sort of makes me sleepy. Jesika – We have not met yet, but congratulations on restarting Weight Watchers and being down 8 pounds!!! That is amazing! I am sorry about what you are going through with your grief...you are definitely in my thoughts. Lisa – I am excited to hear all about your move, of course when you have the time and your Internet is back on. Moving can be stressful, but I have thought of them as fresh starts for a while now. I am hoping to have a relaxing weekend. My husband accidentally woke me up this morning, so I was a little grumpy to start out with. I later apologized and he says he doesn’t recall me being grumpy, that it isn’t ever possible. He is so sweet. He even went out and got me coffee. I am getting my hair cut later tonight; I am excited for that. I think just the spa-type experience and being alone will be nice. I haven’t cut my hair in 1.5 years...just haven’t felt that into doing nice things for myself I guess. I am not sure what I will do with it; I think I just want a good amount cut off and some shaping. I am in the mood to make big changes in life, and this is the only change that I have the power to do at the moment. I keep on having this desire to get three piercings in my upper ear (something very unlike me). I think it would look nice and be something very “different” than the role people seem to box me into. But I am slightly germaphobic so can’t bring myself to actually get it done. I think I am going to go out later on and do some journaling at a coffee shop too (maybe). I had planned to go shopping for new work clothes, but I am not feeling too stellar about my body (it has been a bad last few days eating wise) so I will probably skip that portion. I want to be upbeat this weekend. At least not as miserable as I have been this week. My husband would never hold it against me, but I feel bad that pretty much for our entire relationship I have been spiralling into deeper depths of depression. I feel bad that I am so unhappy, when he has been such a gift in my life. I have never felt unconditional love from anyone on Earth until we met and got together. He is definitely a rock. I am feeling listless right now and not sure what to do with the rest of the day/weekend. I am not feeling too well. I do have my appointment on Monday with my doctor. I am really hoping that she will give me the prescription for Vyvanse. I have a feeling that it will really work for me. If my appetite is a little suppressed, I am usually good at not eating/overeating. It has crossed my mind that she will try to give me a prescription for anti depressants. I used to take them over a decade ago and I really don’t want to. I don’t have anything against them, but in my experience they just made me feel sick to my stomach all the time, they took a while to build up, and the withdrawal effects were horrible. So I am hoping that she can point me in the direction of a good therapy option plus the Vyvanse prescription. I am just so ready to go on with my life. A couple of years ago I was losing weight, exercising every day, feeling great, dressing nicely, had new friends...now everything is so much different. I am gaining weight, bingeing, skipping a lot of exercise sessions, dressing messily and I have no friends except my husband. I am just hoping and praying that things get better. That I can start to think things clearly and be stronger, so that I can change my situation. Have a good Friday everybody! |
Hi all,
I'm a little out of touch, I need to go back and catch up! I've taken on an extra project at work, which is taking most of my evenings. I think I'm getting my head around it, so will have some free time again soon. Just wanted to give a quick update - my sister had test results back, and she doesn't have Cancer. Good news for now! |
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Hi ladies, I hope you all are well or healing.
I can't post much. I am using the gb on my phone. I am not online yet and, I'm not sure when I'll be back. Be back asap. |
Hello everyone. I hope you all are well :grouphug:
Thank you for the condolences and encouragement. I'm grateful to be back, not only because of the weight gain, but because of having some sense of normalcy in my life again :dizzy: I'm wading through my grief, definitely have a lot of ups and downs, but I'm doing better. So that's a plus. I hope everyone has a good day! |
Okay, I just tried to post TWO times and lost both posts :devil:, so I will take that as a sign to keep it brief. Today is my son's 21st birthday :celebrate:, so it is a very special day for me, especially because it is also his twin's 21st birthday in heaven! :angel: :val1: (One of my twins died just 14+ hours after birth due to extreme prematurity; born at 28 weeks.) He met a girl in one of his college classes awhile ago (she approached him) and things have been going really well with her, so he is a happy camper for the moment! :D
Lisa: So happy to hear from you! :D Hope you are getting settled into your new home smoothly. Thinking of you and looking forward to more posts when you have your computer up and running again. ;) Coop: SO incredibly happy and thankful to hear that your sister does NOT have cancer!!! :D :carrot: :cp: :hug: That must be a HUGE relief for you and for her! Thanks for the update. Cinnamonhearts: Thank you for explaining how to do the video diary on my smartphone. But holy cow (no pun intended), I HATE when that camera flips toward me on my phone!!! :fr: It shows my double chins and I look horrendous! But I guess those feelings mean I need to do it and show a bit of compassion for myself instead of horror at my appearance. I hope you managed to have a relaxing weekend. How did your appointment go with your doctor today? Holly: Best of luck to you on South Beach! I know you'll be successful, because that's just how you roll! ;) JesikaBeth: Thanks for checking in. Still thinking about you lots and hoping your grief subsides a little more with each passing day. It's just gonna take time, I'm afraid. Hope Weight Watchers will help you to lose the weight you desire to lose. Please keep us updated on your progress. Big hugs to you! :hug: So much for keeping it brief! :lol: I'm gonna hit "submit" before I lose this post, too! ;) |
Hello everyone,
I have been dealing with sciatica and a pinched nerve in my shoulder/neck area. Unfortunately, I have been eating junk, junk and more junk out of frustration. I have tried to post a few times, but they disappeared to add to my frustration. I am doing physical therapy, accupuncture, massage and chiropractor visits to try to get through this as quickly as possible. |
I am going to attempt a series of small posts.
Kathleen, I am so happy to hear that your son is okay at this point. Holly, this past week we have had the coldest temps of the winter! THank goodness no snow, just high winds. I might attempt South Beach, too, when I am feeling better. Lisa, good luck with your move. Jessika, it takes time for the grief to ease after losing your mother. Be kind to yourself. Coop, I was sorry to hear about your situation with your father. You might want to decide what is best for you - trying to keep in touch or not bothering and just doing holidays, etc. Greetings to everyone else. I will try to post more often now that I feel a bit better. On a scale of 1-10 my pain was 10+, now it is about an 8. Take care, my friends. Monica |
good evening chicks! I'm gonna be prepared and have another window open when I post this so I don't lose it!
First, hi to Lisa in her new home, and thanks for the shoutout to us, we know you are offline for now and look forward to when can talk to us again :) Monica, oh so sorry to hear you were in so much pain! :( hope so much you are totally free of pain SOON. Kathleen, Happy 21st to your two sons :) and :angel: how cool that he has a girl situation :cool: Coop, HI and hope you and OH are good :) Cinnamonhearts, thank you for the nice writing about yourself! like I said you can tell as little or much as you like here, and I really liked reading about you. JesikaBeth, oh gosh hang in there, it takes a long time :( sorry but I think that's the truth. You never forget but eventually it doesn't hurt so much. I am incredibly amazed to report that I have had 6 DAYS WITHOUT SUGAR or flour or starch :carrot: and it hasn't been that bad. It's the first 2 weeks of South Beach diet. I eat eggs and sauteed veggies for breakfast (i did buy EggBeaters because you can have a cup of that for very low calories and a lot of filling protein) my lunch is my homemade veggie stew (mostly tomato products and beans) and dinner is chicken and salad. Snacks are nuts, yogurt, small amounts of sugar free peanut butter. I have been reading about how awful sugar is (refined sugar) and I wonder how long I can stay away from it (says the pastry baker!! :rolleyes: |
Thanks everyone. :grouphug:
Interestingly enough, at 36 years of age - this is my first experience with death. I don't have much of an extended family that we are in contact with, so it's pretty much just been me, my mom, and dad (they were divorced though.) So yea, it being A. my first experience with death and B. my mother has really taken a toll on me. But I'm working through the grief process and doing much better with everything - a little bit at a time, and riding the waves :dizzy: I'll be back tomorrow on weigh in day to check in for accountability and say hello. Have a great day, my friends :wave: |
Hopefully
The internet guy is coming Sunday afternoon to get my internet hooked up. If all goes well, I will be back posting.
Do personals then. |
Hi everyone, just wanted to say have a great day :)
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I have completed 7 DAYS without sugar, flour, starch :dance: I can not believe it :devil: |
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