I have been absolutely miserable. Everything makes me miserable somehow, even when things aren't really that bad. I cannot motivate myself enough to get off of my *** and exercise so I can get this weight I gained off. I can't ever think straight, I lose concentration on so much stuff and everything has just been super overwhelming. This whole year has been change after change after change after change and I just can't handle it anymore.

I can't focus on myself because most of my focus is on keeping my sanity at work and trying to take care of my life. I feel like life is way harder for me than is necessary. I worry so much over such stupid things and it's just a waste of time! I've got anxiety to the point that I am going to a doctor's office tomorrow to fill out paperwork so that I can APPLY to be this doctor's patient -- which means she can accept or deny me and I just cannot stop thinking that she'll turn me away because I'm too screwed up.

I know I'm in bad health. I'm in bad physical health and I am in bad mental health. I don't feel good, like, ever. I'm rarely 100% happy and most of the time I feel like I'm just faking it. My boyfriend is getting sick of it and has even told me that my negativity makes him think negatively of me. And I can't ever get myself straight enough to not WORRY about it and just be normal. I can't ever be normal and it's driving me absolutely insane. I ran out of medicine and it's taken me forever to find a doctor and ugh. I'm just out of my mind! I feel like I'm just never going to get better. I wish someone would just slap the **** out of me so maybe it'll knock some sense into me. I am so scared this doctor will refuse to see me. I don't know what else to do.

Sorry for the long post, but I had to get that out somewhere where I knew someone would possibly give me feedback and hopefully some peace of mind. I gotta know it'll get better. I don't want to get worse. Thanks.

Hi Lauren...

I hope you are feeling better today and that you were able to schedule an appointment with the doctor you want to see. I have never heard of having to APPLY to be a patient before. I've heard of doctors not accepting new patients because of existing patient load issues, or only accepting certain insurance plans, but I've not heard of a doctor picking and choosing certain patients based on how "screwed up" they are. What kind of doctor is this?

I know what it's like to have a stressful job. I also know what it's like to have extreme anxiety and to worry and catastrophize. It does make it hard to think rationally. I wasted most of my youth in a state of perpetual angst. My advice would be "stop it". Before you know it, life will pass you by, your best years will be behind you, and there is no way to recapture the time wasted worrying and ruminating on "what ifs" and "if onlys". Most of the stuff you worry about will never happen. And even if it does, so what? That's just life. Worrying doesn't change anything and it robs you of the magic of the moment. That's the advice I'd give to my 26 year old self, if I could go back in time and tell me what I've learned. Do whatever you have to do to control this now so you don't spend the rest of your life regretting the time you wasted and suffering guilt over the people you hurt without even realizing that's what you were doing at the time. You are young and you have the opportunity to make a bright future. Please, don't waste your life!

Lauren, I hope it made you feel a little better to write that post and get some of the frustration out. I feel as you do sometimes. What matters is if you feel that way all the time. Also, you mentioned running out of meds. If they are meds for depression or a serious medical problem, you need to find a doctor and get them refilled. You really shouldn't go without them if you need them.

The only thing I can suggest is try to get yourself back to exercising, even if it's just talking a walk, or walking at the mall. Exercise has a way of lifting your spirits and that's what you need more than anything right now.

I wish you luck with this. You sound like you're too young to be having such problems.

We are so sorry you are having such a horrible time now How did the doctor's appt go?

I think LurchMomma gave some awesome advice (and Wannabe also ) Somehow if you can make yourself only focus on the basics...being able to get up and go to work..pay the necessary bills...keeping your living space somewhat tidy, those things I focus on, and then give myself a high five for just accomplishing those basics for life. The extras are then making time for some kind of physical activity which we know DOES help. I find something on youtube and then tell myself 'well at least you did a workout'.

I'm sorry about the bf feeling the negativity..it IS hard for the partner of someone who is depressed. But they should know that you don't want to feel this way!! who would?! it isnt' anything we can control.

best wishes to you Lauren!! I've been on this board forever and I can remember reading about your success a few years ago, and feeling so happy for you!!

I didnt actually have a doctors appointment. I went to fill out a new patient registration form, and i will find out if she accepts me as a patient via the mail. Its probably not a matter of how screwed up i am, but probably insurance or something, but my brain decided they were going to evaluate my level of screwed up before seeing me lol. The form i filled out only asked about current meds and chronic conditions, which i dont think my issues count as. Honestly, she probably will take me, my mind just likes to overreact to everything.

Hopefully this dr can give me insight. I am prescribed for zoloft which keeps me from having full blast anxiety attacks and havibg extreme pity parties like i was having when i wrote this post, but i feel like its just masking the issue rather than curing it -- i still have the anxiety and trouble concentrating and stuff when i take the meds. I just want to be able to function like a normal person without letting unnecessary worries hold me back, which they too too often do. Life shouldnt be so hard.

If you went cold turkey off Zoloft, NO WONDER you're feeling this way! It's not YOU. You have a medical condition that needs medicine and you're not getting it.

I took 5 months coming off Zoloft, i cannot imagine just running out of the meds.

Also if you have clinical depression/anxiety, your brain will not work right no matter what you do so please don't get down on yourself, i know exactly how you feel and it's HORRIBLE but it's not a matter of you "getting your act together" or "getting your thinking straight". You need medical intervention ASAP. IDK about this doctor that you're applying to but there has to be someone that could help right away, i'd go to a walk in or SOMETHING.

Hang in there!

I've had issues with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. I didn't get prescribed medication until I after I lost all of my weight and it got REALLY bad. I started having mood swings, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts, and it came in waves so I thought it had to do with my period. Go to the gyno and tell her about my issues and she slings the zoloft at me and says something to the effect of, "A lot of women swear by this stuff, here ya go!". Anxiety and worry issues never stopped, but the panic attacks and constant mental breakdowns and mood swings stopped. And then things started to change and life happened. I started seeing my boyfriend and got more comfortable with myself. I changed the type of birth control I used because for some reason I started forgetting to take the pill, so I switched to Nuvaring so I wouldn't have to remember quite so often, and then because I kept forgetting to take my pill anyway, I kept forgetting to take my zoloft. And then as I gained weight, I became depressed, and my thoughts increasingly became more cloudy as I kept going in cycles of remembering to take my medicine and forgetting to take my medicine. And at my heaviest I've been since I lost weight the first time, I weighed 210 and I felt TERRIBLE. And then we moved to Washington, and I've lost a good 15lbs since then, but I still feel awful all the time. Not to mention, since moving to Washington, I went cold turkey off birth control, started a new job, got an IUD, changed work locations so had to adjust to a new work environment, lost a car, bought a car, and in the process of all that ran out of medicine and now I'm a wreck again. I can feel myself falling back into the same habits that caused me to gain this weight back, and thats when I was like, "Okay, going to the doctor, I have to do SOMETHING!" because I am just done being miserable. I miss feeling good about myself, and I know it's possible, but not the way things are right now. Something has to give and I just don't know what to do to give me hope again.

I have been where you are, Lauren. It is the WORST. I am so glad that you are seeking treatment. My only advise is that sometimes, it's hard to tackle life all at once. Sometimes, it's hard to tackle a whole day at once. But tackling each moment is doable. Going for a single walk is helpful. Sometimes, it's hard to commit to a full walk. But I can do five minutes. Then, maybe another five. Then, I start to feel a little bit better, and I'm now walking. Then, I do it again the next day. And the next. And by then, I am feeling better because exercise makes me feel better, and walks give me the chance to clear out some anxiety. Then, I am feeling a little bit better and am exercising regularly.

It gets better. It gets to the point where you don't have to fight every minute of the day just to get to the next minute. Then, you've got a doctor, you are on the right meds, and life is improving. Never 100% happy. At least, I'm never 100% happy. But I am no longer miserable.

I have never even attempted to lose weight in the past, until I had my mental health under control. One person can only face so much.

Hi Lauren!
I feel as though I can relate to you! I am so sorry you are going through this! I had depression/ anxiety when I was post partum with my first, and told my doctor that it would come and go in waves depending on my cycle. I started taking some natural hormonal supplement, and natural depression supplements and felt better. I also found that I had to stick to a sugar free diet. The more sugar I ate, the worse the mood swings, and such went. How long have you been off of the prescription? Does it seem to be better or worse at any point in your cycle? If you feel it's cycle related, I would guess it is hormone related. Possibly PMDD is what I was diagnosed with. Do you feel that it is better with any of the different birth controls you are on? Do you have the copper IUD or the Progestin one? (Mirena) Sorry for so many questions. feel free not to answer, but I would like to help you if I can. And it is definitely something similar to what I went through.

Sorry for the delayed response! But, I've actually started taking my medicine again (discovered I had a refill left that I had forgotten about); however, I was off of it for at least a month. I have noticed that since I started taking my medicine again, I have started to eat better and I actually have motivation to exercise, which has helped significantly, but I still have racing thoughts and potential to have anxiety attacks if triggered (and anything can be a trigger) and I still zone out and have trouble concentrating on things. My cycle is non-existent since I've been on an IUD, so I can't tell any more if it's associated with that, but I'm on Mirena.

If any of that information helps you help me, great! Lol