Needing some help
 

Hi all! I used to be a member here and life caught up with me in a major way, and I slipped off the radar. But I'm back and looking for some advice or words of wisdom since I don't know where else to turn.

I've had a lot of life changes, particularly when it comes to jobs. To make a long story short, I studied journalism in school with every intention on becoming a writer. But this was in 2011 when the economy was particularly terrible, and print publishing is on a steady decline, so jobs are scarce. (Seems people read most of their news on the internet these days.. who knew? :))

I took a job as an executive assistant, completely away from writing, to pay down my student debt, and ended up in marketing and got laid off from a job. But at that point, I had no student debt, so I decided to start from the bottom and begin writing again. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to go after my true passions in life.

To start, things were great. I was working from home, it was summer, so I spent lots of time working on my laptop at a coffee shop. I felt happy and free for the first time, doing what I loved on my own schedule. It felt like freelance writing was made for me.

Then, I accepted a full-time job which I was excited about, and on the ninth day there, the company (it was a startup) shut down. They never told me in advance this would happen, though my boss did apologize and say he thought things might get better, but ultimately, I went home after nine whole days of work.

This was around Thanksgiving, so I immediately went back to freelancing, but things were never the same for me. I've consistently been in a state of depression since then, esp. since it's winter, most days I don't leave the house, and I feel reclusive. I have crying fits constantly, eat to soothe my pain, and struggle to even get out of bed to get to my desk most mornings.

I'm writing for a site I don't like because the job I left for my FT job filled the position in my two week absence. On top of it, I stopped all medications (even birth control) to kind of flush out my system and see what *I* was really like, without meds. So while I'm still doing what I love, I feel even more trapped than I did at an office job, doing a job I hated.

I've tried to overhaul my entire life at the start of 2016, I work out five to six days a week (I worked with a trainer to create a strength training/cardio program), and am making dietary changes (drinking only plain tea and water most days, salads for lunch, no snacking, etc.) but I am still gaining weight.

I had previously lost over 40 pounds when I first went on meds for depression/anxiety, and now the weight is creeping back on, even though I am doing all good things for my body.

I do have a psychiatrist but cannot fathom that I have to be medicated to keep my hunger/weight in check. I step on the scale and simply don't understand why I'm doing the right thing MOST days and yet, still gaining weight.

Of course, I am human, so I very much enjoy going out to eat on Friday nights with my husband and getting a burger and a beer. Or a big bowl of pasta and a glass of wine. But I really try to keep it in check, even though I'm an emotional eater.

I surely must be the only person in the world spending 5-6 hours in the gym each week and gaining weight. I met with a nutritionist who said I'm on the right track, but the scale is definitely going in the wrong direction.

I literally don't know what else to do. If I have to cut out all indulgences, I really will lose my mind. Does anyone have any advice for a struggling emotional eater/anxiety-ridden chick?

If you read all of this, I thank you tremendously!

You have a psychiatrist and a nutritionist, these are great steps! Have you got a personal trainer? Maybe one comes with your gym membership? They'll also give you gresat feedback, ways to challenge and feel good about yourself, and help you track your performance progress rather than weight progress. (Not your endgoal, but will still make you feel awesome!)

I get major anxiety and binge episodes. It's been great in recent years, I have better routine in my life, an understanding of my triggers (and have some better alternatives to a binge eat or drink session.)

I think it may take some serious time, like 3 months, to adjust to not taking meds - I hope you're honest about it with your docs. Are you sleeping well and getting enough rest? No snacks, salads for lunch only, and 6hrs/week at the gym sounds really rigid to me :( Maybe it's adjustment to all this stress?

Hi @souvenirdarling, thanks for such a speedy reply! I did have a trainer for three sessions who created a program for me which I have been doing, and enjoy, but am not really seeing results from (if anything, I'm just gaining weight). I am lucky to have a gym in my building that is usually empty, so I don't mind spending lots of time there.. if I actually saw some results, that is!

Quite honestly, I think I'm sleeping too much. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning to work out, so I just sleep the entire extra hour, and work out in the afternoon after work instead. Just all in all a terrible mental state at the moment, and I have no idea why, since I feel like I'm doing good things for my body.

I am glad to see that you are doing well, I feel like I was where you are and relapsed after the job I took shut down in November. I have no idea how to get back there, though :(