Hello,

I have been dieting for as long as I can remember. I started my first diet as a result of bullying in elementary school. In the many years since my weight has fluctuated up and down, and with it my self-esteem.

Currently I weigh more than I ever have before. My weight gain is due, in part, to a hormonal imbalance which often leaves me feeling out of control and hopeless. Being at my heaviest, I find myself feeling embarrassed and ashamed. These feelings are so intense that they lead me to not want to be around others, especially friends and family. I fear that those who have known me when I was thinner will think less of me because I have gained so much weight. I imagine friends whispering to each other about my size when I am not in the room. I picture my Dad joking with my Mom about how "I've really packed on a few." In my mind my weight is the only thing that anyone notices about me. I fear people will find me disgusting or that they will make jokes at my expense. The embarrassment and shame I feel is overwhelming.

Has anyone else felt this way? Do you have advice on how to prevent your weight from dismantling your self-esteem?

I've felt that way yes. Right now, I'm a little embarrassed to see this nice supportive lady at one of my favorite stores, because I've put on so much weight lately. I find myself eating in stores right after paying for something, I never did that before my weight loss journey (certainly not to my recollection). In a weird way sometimes weight loss can make us more brazen in our food addictions, at least for me it has. I'm more comfortable being thought of as a big eater since losing weight (though I'm still plus size) than I did at 300+ lbs., sorry to change the topic a little but your post brought up so many issues for me. That said, sometimes I think we use things such as our weight as an excuse not to live and enjoy life, form and maintain close attachments, etc. No one should judge you as a human being for your size, if your character is being dismissed then consider the source passing judgment. You are a deserving person, I gather you're your own worst critic as many of us are, self-included. Love yourself enough to change what is seemingly hindering you, and don't bully yourself or stand in your own way. Wishing you a beautiful new year and beyond, you can do this!

Thank you so much for your reply! It's helpful to know that others have similar thoughts. I understand what you mean when you say that weight loss has made you more brazen in your food addictions. I certainly feel more willing to be thought of as a big eater as you say, or eat something unhealthy in public, when I'm thinner. I think for me this is related to what I assume others are thinking about my weight. My thought process is - if I'm thin and others see me eating poorly no one will think anything of it, but if I'm heavier then people will notice and judge what I'm eating. You are right though, no one should judge a person for their size. People who do certainly aren't the type of people I want to spend time with anyways. Thank you again for your post! Wishing you a beautiful new year as well! You look great in your photos- it's inspiring!

Thank you so much EAH123, BTW welcome to the site! I've been here nearly 2 years and the support and information has been invaluable to my health physically and emotionally. I'm sure you'll love it here too.

I think all of us who are overweight/obese feel the same that you feel: embarrasment, shame, lack of self esteem. I think you have to focus now in the changes that you're doing, take care and be nice to yourself, from my experience we're much mean with ourselves than other people as they don't really realize if you're 10 or 20 lbs heavier. Just keep going and don't regret all the time you've lost on being overweight, you can't do anything to change the past, but you can do ALL to change your future.

Yes, I've felt that way sometimes. It's not necessary to feel that way, though. I've found David Burns' Feeling Good helpful in learning how build up my self-esteem and not get too trapped in my emotions. For me, building my self-esteem and thinking more realistically are keys to successfully losing weight.

Good luck!

Shame is a totally useless emotion. So is guilt.

For what ever reason, we allow our selves to get caught on a merry go round of guilt and shame. Been there, done that.

JUMP OFF! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! No more crap, guilt, shame. It is a hard thing to do, but so freeing!

Be who you really want to be!

Sometimes, we need to drop some people, make peace with others, and gather new friends.

It's all a choice, what we choose, is what we get. I know it's not easy. I have had to make a lot of changes. Hard, not just food, but family. But, I am worth my choices and happiness!

Congratulations on joining this amazing forum! It has been the first step I took in starting my weight loss journey. It is never too late! I have felt the way you have too, and it hurts! We cop enough flack off other misguided people, we need to be kinder to ourselves! I really hope you find the information and support you need here. It has been incredible for me mentally and emotionally.

Thank you all so much!

This is sort of off topic, but the part about being more bold about eating more unhealthy things when thinner made me think of this time I took my son for pizza right after his mommy and me gymnastics class--

I only had appetite for 3 pieces of pizza, but I swear I was cut a nasty look by a little slip of a woman who was eating salad. Mind you, it was mostly a bowl full of ranch dressing.

I'm not especially large, but this whole concept of shame for eating made me think of that.

Hey, I think you're worrying yourself sick. Maybe some nasty people would only see you for your weight, but most certainly not your friends from childhood, especially if they are close. I wouldn't think your family would be hurtful, either?