Hi everyone!

School has been pretty busy so I haven't had much of a chance to pop into this thread (I check into the daily weigh in thread to keep myself accountable ;)). Everything is well here though. I received an honors scholarship for being in honors english! I cried when I found out. There's more of a back story, but I'll post that this weekend when I have more than 10mins LOL. I'm trying to see if I can get into the honors society as well, since I have the GPA and everything to get in. That'd be icing on the cake! Now all I need is a boyfriend and I'm good LOL.

Hope everyone is doing well! The whole forum has seemed a bit slow over the past week.

Hi all, sorry for radio silence here, I'm reading alomg, but haven't had much to post. Work has been getting a little hectic, and I'm still a little emotionally up and down.

Just thought I'd pop uo to say hello to debgettinghealthy!

And also congratulations to ap14!

Ditto. This is a place I know I can come to, to vent. There are just times I am down and don't have much to post.



Today, I am so glad the weekend is here. I need lisa time.


I went to Occupational Therapy at 1 pm today. Man, that girl rubs hard. It plain old hurt. She massages and rolls the skin around my elbow. That girl has some seriously strong fingers.


It looks like we all haven't had much to say lately.


:)

Hi Friends,

Like Holly and Lisa, I have been following along, but I have nothing new to add. I am struggling with my weight. When the scale goes up, my mood goes down, and vice versa.

I need to stop the chocolate, I need to plan meals ahead, I need to eat more vegetables.......we all know what we need to do, but why is doing it so tough?????

Take care, everyone.

Mixed Feelings
 

Well, my son needs to medically withdraw from the University of Dayton due to extreme anxiety and depression. 😢 I just hate that he is going through this, but I am happy he stayed in close contact with us and let us know how bad he was feeling. It just breaks my heart that he is having similar problems that I have experienced because I know how crappy it is. I just hope and pray that he will never get as low as I was way back when. Right now, our first priority is his emotional and mental health. He will probably commute to a local university in the fall if all goes well. The positive side of all of this is that he will be home again. I have missed him so much, and I was so worried about him. He has a good therapist here and my psychiatrist has been helping him with various meds. As most of you know, that is a trial and error process and can be frustrating as he waits for the right combo of meds to help him feel better. He is starting Cymbalta now and Klonopin as needed for severe anxiety. I just want my "baby" to be okay!!! ❤

I am also struggling with the depression and weight, I have started weight loss diet and exercise. Its help me for weight loss and depression also.
Taking therapy with proper medication is much helpful for depression issues.

Easyspirit - I'm going to do a charity "dechox" through march (no chocolste for the whole month) to help me and the OH cut out chocolate. I'm not going to seek sponsorship, but I'll donate the money I would have spent on chocolate to the charity instead (with a fine for any slip-ups). Could this be something thst would help you?

Ibelieveinme2 - my dad dropped out of his degree because of similar issues. He later went on to do his masters part time, and does well these days. It's a tough decision, but he'll get there in the end. I hope he find the right medication sorted soon.

I am struggling with my weight too, EasySpirit. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I know it is the pop I am drinking. I don't know how to cut down on it. I am really addicted to it.

I do need to start exercising. I've to to come up with one that I enjoy so I am going to start with a DVD that I can do at home. Wish me luck. :)

Thank you! :hug:

Hi Lisa! Glad you're feeling better :)

These are AWESOME for meal prep (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01...ilpage_o04_s00). They can go in the freezer/microwave, so in the morning, just take out which meals you want and put them in the fridge to "thaw". My dad bought these and makes lemon chicken, stuffed peppers, lasagna, meatloaf, and pasta bake. I think those come out to about 400cal a meal, but obviously, you can make your own and fix it to your calorie needs :)

I'm glad he's coming home though. Sometimes just being home helps a lot. He can always do online classes as well. Health comes first before school :) I hope he feels better ASAP :hug:


This is the 3rd time that I've sat down to reply to everyone LOL. I hope everyone has an awesome weekend! The weather is beautiful here. I think I'll go for a walk with the coconut head I call a dog LOL :)

Apologies for the fact that I haven't been posting. I've been depressed, in an off-and-on sort of way, for about four weeks. Right now it's hittin' me hard. I don't understand why I'm depressed, unless it's some kind of delayed reaction to the sloooooow progress of my recovery. But even during this depression I've been able to do things I couldn't do before, like climb stairs standing up and negotiate the bathroom entirely without hand holds. You'd think these achievements would cheer me up. They do briefly, but then I'm back in the dumps again. Oh well.

:hug: Do you think the weather has anything to do with it? Sometimes the cloudiness and cold/snow will bring me down quick. If the sun is out where you're at, open the front door (or sit near a window) and just sit there and enjoy the sunshine. That usually helps me :)

Sleep is important too. Make sure you get enough sleep (or feel free to take a nap or two during the day if possible ;))

I haven't been posting regularly in a long time, so I'm sure there are at least several of you who don't know my situation. The short version of it is that multiple antidepressants plus an antipsychotic that muck around with your serotonin metabolism caused me to get serotonin toxicity, a severe (life-threatening!) condition which causes nearly continuous spasms of all the muscles of one's arms & legs. That was last year, January through the end of March. Then, as I withdrew from all those medications, I was not only more depressed than I've ever been in nearly 30 years of being bipolar, but found myself essentially bedridden and confined to a wheelchair, unable to stand up, walk, climb stairs, or drive. Anyway, I pulled out of the worst of the depression in September of last year, and went to work on my rehab with the assistance of my Qi ("chee") Gong instructor and healer. It's Chinese medicine, not a Western physical therapy approach, but I went for it, whole hog.

All right, cut to the chase: on Sunday, after some months of sloooow progress, I found myself walking all around the downstairs of my house! My husband Bob was taking a shower when I wanted to go downstairs, so instead of waiting at the bottom of the stairs for him to bring my wheelchair, I just walked to the futon in the living room and dumped the stuff I'd carried down. Then I went to the bathroom. Then I went all the way down the hallway and into the kitchen, and got myself something to eat. Then I returned to the futon. All of that walking, not holding onto anything, for a total of a longer distance than I had originally hoped to do that day.

Damn—I think I can now walk to anywhere I want, in the whole house! And if I can do that, I can walk out to the car and go for a drive! Whoopee! Freedom at long last! And it didn't even hurt very much (at first). Just a little bit in my shins—no big deal.

But after that, I found this new walking thing to be both intoxicating and very challenging and even hilarious. After Sunday's feats of extraordinary athleticism =laugh= my thighs were so sore it wasn't even funny. But I was so happy, I just lay on the futon going "Oh boy! I'm so excited! OUCH! This is terrific! OOoooo OUCH!" (expletives deleted) and so on, for at least a couple of hours. Bob was really thrilled for me, but he couldn't help laughing at the stream of joyful exclamations and curse words over the pain pouring out of my mouth. Thank god for the cats: they were all over me, purring up a storm. And then when it came time to walk to the stairway, climb the stairs, and then walk into our bedroom to the bed, oh man, was that painful... !!!

The next day, today that is, is my 61st birthday.

And I have been undeterred by the pain: this morning I woke up at 5 AM with a great idea for a collage, so I got up (owww!!) and walked down the long upstairs hallway (owwww! oh-eeee!) to my studio and got some stuff I needed to carry downstairs to where the scanner-printer is. I didn't make it very far on the way back, though: at the door of my studio my knees began to shriek at me and I had to plop ungracefully down on the floor and holler for help. Poor Bob was already awake by then because of all the noise I'd been making, and he came and got the books & papers I'd retrieved and took them down for me, while I clambered on hands & knees back into the bedroom, and climbed back into bed—hurtin' to beat the band, but punchy from endorphins. I was laughing and moaning all at once, and Bob came back and sang me his family's traditional birthday song, the lyrics of which are:

It's not the pickles or the pears
It's not the beavers or the bears
It's not next week or yesterday
Today today is your birthday!
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you (repeat ad lib)

Oscar and Nénu (my cats) were bouncing all over the bed, tussling with us... well, you get the picture: this walking thing is a trip, but I gotta pace myself or my legs are gonna totally QUIT on me! =laugh=

And oooo yummy, Bob brought me a big Texas-style omelet stuffed with Monterey Jack, nopalitos (little pieces of cactus) and jalapeño peppers.

At any rate, it's been one heck of a birthday, because this walking is the best present I think I've ever gotten in my whole life. It's as if I've been in JAIL, trapped in a wheelchair, and all of a sudden, I'm free!

I can't wait to be off into more walking adventures.... and maybe (cross my fingers) going for a DRIVE tomorrow! Woo-hoo! I have been craving getting behind the steering wheel for so many months now.... it's ridiculous!!

As for tonight, I've been having a great party, with champagne and dark chocolate and rock-n-roll on the commercial-free satellite radio.... thanks for reading this far, those of you who have done so... =big wide grin=

Fiona, so pleased to hear of the progress you've been making! I can only imagine how horrible it must have been to lose the ability to walk places, such a small thing we take for granted. I'm so glad you're having a great birthday, complete with the gift of walking! Have a lovely day, and enjoy your drive :)

Happy Birthday, Fi!!!
 

Fi: :bday2you: I am SO incredibly happy to hear that you are up and walking again!!! Hip hip hooray!!! :carrot: That is such wonderful news! :D I hope you were able to get out for a drive, or if not, that you get out to drive soon! Please keep us posted and let us know how the FREEDOM feels! Your post made my evening! :hug:

Lisa: I sure do hope that you are hanging in there! I am worried about you and I miss your daily posts. No pressure intended though. Just do what you can. Just hoping and praying that depression isn't creeping up on you again. Please take good care and keep in touch! Any news on the job search? Keeping you in my prayers and sending a big hug your way! :hug:

Holly (Vermont Mom)
 

Holly: How are you? I recently read that you didn't feel up to posting and that is so unlike you. Are you okay?!? I sure hope so!!! Now I'm worried about you, too! :( Sending a big hug your way, too! :hug:

P.S. ~ Did I mention that I'm a "worry wart?" :lol:

Hey friends!

Kathleen - I am so sorry to hear that your son needs to take a break from school because of depression..I do know you told us previously that he was having problems but that it has reached this level is so sad, for a young person..and stressful for Mom!! :hug: thank goodness he reached out to you though, right?? and is open to therapy and meds. I hope/hope/hope he responds well and SOON!!

Fi - belated Happy Birthday to you! and how wonderful for you to be MOBILE!!! :carrot:
glad you got to enjoy dark chocolate and rock n roll!

Lisa - :hug: and HI to you!! I hope you're feeling a little more 'up'. I'm afraid I am behind on what your work situation is now..are the hours OK? clients OK? and sorry the OT girl was rough on you!! did it help your elbow??

ap14 - congrats on the honors given to you!! you smart chick you :)

Coop - Hi and I hope you are OK :)

Easy Spirit, it is always good to hear from you :) i don't have any good advice, except maybe to repeat when Kathleen tells us 'progress, not perfection'.

JenniferD, welcome!

Friends, I am sorry I have been selfish to not visit lately, in my heart I know I have NOTHING to complain or be sad about, I am just so self-conscious about my appearance, now my VERY tiny co-worker is on a strict diet because she 'feels fat'..we all know how that makes one feel, when it is a tiny person saying that. One second I'm feeling fine for 55, then I think of how fit I was just 10 years ago. I know I can tackle it, I know what a marvelous thing regular exercise is, and I just need to make myself do it regularly again. And I am missing warm weather, sun, my motorcycle, and my summer job so much :(

Lisa, I really like this lady, http://www.force-fitness.com/shopping.html her name is Anni and I started with her Life Force dvd, it is simple movements, she and 2 other exercisers demonstrate, and a very fit young man demonstrates the easiest moves, while Anni does the intermediate and a woman in background the advanced. And it seems to be geared for middle-aged people like us :p

Had to pop back after reading what I wrote. I've been on Wellbutrin for 6 years or so now, and my feelings (especially during winter) have run the gamut; vague depression; spending my days off in bed; "I don't really care if tomorrow comes or not". In my body there is something that is not quite right, if all aspects for a happy life are here for me but I can't enjoy them. It kinda sounded like I was just complaining about not being happy with how I look, which seems kinda shallow. Guess I wanted to reinforce that there's more wrong with me than just that :devil:

Welcome!
 

:welcome3: to the group, Jennifer! I hope you will post again and tell us more about yourself. We'd love to hear from you again! :) Best of luck to you with your weight loss journey! And I wish you many more UPS than downs!!! ;)

Holly!!!
 

Holly: I am SO happy that you posted and shared some of what is going on with you right now. I would first like to say that there is NOTHING "wrong" with you. You are just experiencing some of that nasty depression that often comes with those winter blahs. Maybe it's even more than that, but I still maintain that nothing is wrong with YOU! You don't have to be a tower of strength all of the time. It's okay to have those down times and to share your feelings about it with all of us. As I've said before, we named this group UPS & DOWNS for a reason. We should feel welcome here during BOTH our ups AND our downs. I understand, though, that it is more difficult to even muster up the strength to post during the down moments. I know how much you LOVE summer and so do I. So let's face it, this weather sucks!!! :devil: I can't even wait for spring and summer and days at the lake house!!! Let's just hope that March flies by and hopefully we will begin to see some better weather begin to break through. Until then, I am sending you a BIG dose of SUNSHINE :sunny: and a big hug!!! :hug: Hang in there, my friend!!! It's going to get better! I promise! ;)

My progress toward getting my life back was short-lived, to say the least. I had one day, last Sunday, of being able to walk without crippling pain, of being able to move around my own house without a wheelchair. The following day was my birthday, so I did what I wanted to do and ignored the evidence that the pain was back, as bad as ever. That one day now appears to have been a fluke: I have no idea why. I am in the same place I've been in for many months: unable to walk more than 6 feet or so, and each step is very painful.

I am so discouraged, so angry, so frustrated... I've been brooding over all that happened to me during the terrible year of 2015, and finding a lot of people to blame—my doctors, that is. But what does blame accomplish? Nothing. Nothing at all.

All I want is to get my life back. I am so down right now I'm thinking about killing myself. Not seriously—don't worry. I am just thinking—not intending or planning. The only reason I even mention it is to give you an idea of how horrible I feel. I don't want to live like this. But I have no choice. Suicide is not, and will never be, an option.

And I'm not depressed, either. I can't ascribe these feelings to an abnormal state in my brain. This is reality.

Sorry for being so dark in my last posting. It's been a very weird week. I need to give myself (and perhaps Mike, too) a good talking-to about how the progress of recovery from my Big Disaster of 2015 is going to be glacial. So we all (that includes Bob, too) need to settle down, quit roller coastering, and commit to this for the long journey it's gonna be.

Kinda like weight loss, ain't it? =resigned grin=

P.S. Mike = Qi Gong instructor/healer. Bob = devoted spouse.

Hi all,

You've all been busy the last couple of days! Glad to see the forum busy.

Fiona, I'm so sorry to hear how down you are, and that your day of walking was isolated. I wonder if you simply pushed yourself a little too much, are there any exercises you can do to gradually build yourself? I'm sorry, I don't know enough of your illness to say whether this is a silly suggestion.

Kathleen, good to hear your son is settling down weel back home. I hope he has a quick recovery ahead.

Holly, it sounds like wknter is really getting you down. We are starting to see a noticeable shift towards spring here, and I hope it spreads to you soon! The daylight is really boosting my spirits.

Thanks for asking after me! I have been very busy the last few days - I'm off work for a few days, and have been busy spring cleaning and learning to knit. I am popping by to give my eyes a break from cross-eyed-ness.

I met with a new specialist for my pain condition yesterday, and he has recommended a couple of new painkillers for me to try out. I didn't deliberately go looking for any information on them, but I found someone talking about them in a pain forum, and it has me a little anxious about starting. The are apparently very addictive, although thankfully not as tiring as my current painkillers, but lead to serious weight gain. I'm so fed up of dealing with this condition though, and if it can help, it must surely be worth it? This condition is pretty interfering, and I've had it far longer than is fair.

Wow, I have a lot of posts to catch up on! Glad to see everyone back :)

I applied for another job yesterday. I'm tired of waiting to hear back from the gym lady. I applied for a golf sales associate position at Dick's. Hopefully I'll hear back a little faster about that one. I want to start working and making some money. So many things I want....no money.

I can't believe it! I walked out to the Boulder (our VW Passat) and went for a drive—leaving just before dawn on Sunday morning, so it was twilight out and there was hardly any traffic at all. My legs got really sore during the short walk in the carport, so I wondered if I'd be able to handle the pedals OK, but no problema. My driving was as smooth as silk: you'd never guess it's been over a year since I was behind the wheel. I remember the exact date of the last time, too—February 21st, 2015.

After picking up a large coffee at the Starbucks drive-up window, I hit the Beltway first, because I adore freeways and goin' real fast when it's safe to do so (85! any slower, and I would've been run over by the handful of other cars whizzing by). I went all the way to the Connecticut exit (Chevy Chase), then circled back so I'd be heading east and could watch the sunrise. It's going to be a clear day. Just a few little pale orange clouds that soon dissipated, and the enormous orange sun coming up. I had Deep Tracks on Sirius-XM turned up loud, naturally, and was surprised, even delighted, when they played "Kyrie Eleison"—rather a limp version, but appropriate for a Sunday morning, I suppose. When I glanced at the screen to see who the band was, it was the Electric Prunes! Who woulda thunk it... (For the younger folks: they were a truly minor, one-hit or maybe two-hits band in the 1960s, mostly memorable for their silly name.)

When I got off at the Greenbelt exit, I didn't go home right away. Instead I went out to the nearby Beltsville Agricultural Center (a big government experimental farm, with both crops & livestock) where the speed limit is 25, and completely changed pace—cruisin' along, not a single other car on the road, admiring the way the sun, just above the horizon, was making the dew-covered pastures glow in varying hues of green and golden. And because the trees are bare, I could also watch that huge orange-gold ball of sun through the strips of forest. Beautiful! When I got to the Baltimore-Washington Parkway, I circled back again and came home. It was about an hour's drive in all.

Wow oh wow, did that feel like FREEDOM! I was grinnin' so much the whole way, my smile muscles started to twitch. =laugh= I feel like a human being again! Even on some future day when I can walk around the neighborhood, and around the lake, it's not going to give me a thrill like that. I've been out driving, usually alone, just about every day of my life since I turned 16, including many loooooong road trips, and now I'm 61. So that's a lot of years. Being in an automobile is my favorite mode of travel, by far. When Bob and I go well over a thousand miles to my home state of Texas, we always drive, never fly. Now that I know I can drive again, any time I want, whoa, what a head trip...Now I can't really accomplish anything by driving, because I can't get out of the car and walk, but still....

When I got home, I did have a bit of a misadventure. I'd walked further than usual, for practice, last night, and I'd told Bob he didn't need to bring the wheelchair upstairs—more walking, to the bed, and back & forth to the bathroom!—so putting weight on my legs was seriously agonizing. (No pain at all in the car, of course.) Plus I'm not used to walking, even just standing up, in my Birkies. No one wears shoes in the Mindfulness Center, where I see Mike. I did fine getting to the door, because I could lean on the car and then hang on the recycle bin, but there are two little steps up into the house. I made the first one OK, but the second one...it was only like three inches up, but oh man, what a hassle! I got my right foot up without a problem, but my left leg was like it was paralyzed: it would not lift my foot, no matter how sternly I ordered it to do so. I tried dragging it up sideways; I tried everything I could think of. The clock was ticking on how long I could be stuck there, because my legs were starting to give way beneath me. What an irksome ending to such a great adventure! So before I was gonna fall flat on my face, I grabbed the stereo rack and lowered myself gently onto my knees, just inches away from my wheelchair. From there, with a big effort, I managed to get both my feet under me so I could pivot into the chair. Whew! I was quite winded by then.

But that was just a little thing. The BIG thing is that I can drive!! =huge grin=

Fiona - so pleased you made it out for a drive! It must open up so much more for you :) sometimes just going for a drive for the sake of it can be such a great way to clear your mind, and I'm so glad you took full advantage!! I hope your legs don't hurt too much tomorrow.

Hey, am just checking in after I have had a rough two weeks. I have been having arythmia and heart palpitations, so haven't really checked my weight or watched my eating. I saw my doctor twice last week because of it, was prescribed Oxazepam and that got it down, have a 24-hour ECG on Friday. My gp did an ECG in autumn and one last Monday, both were alright, so I don't think I really have a heart problem, but my dad said my heart might be sentitive to stress because quite a few people on his side of the family had heart problems, especially the maternal side, so I probably inherited a sensitivity which, combined with anxiety disorder, probably caused the problems.
Sorry, just had to get this off my chest. Please don't tell me about the horrible problems I might have, I never google symptoms because I don't want to read that stuff. I'm seeing my doctors, so it's under control.

Callymay - sorry to hear of your heart concerns. A bit disconcerting, and I hope they find something with the monitoring. Modern medicine is very good, so I hope it ends up nothing to worry about.

Lisa - good to see you posting again! I hope your last day at work goes well, and I will keep everything crossed for a short job search.

I am a little relieved tonight after a slight scare with a mole that went itchy and bumpy - thankfully just a patch of eczema over a mole, but I had some very horrible "what if" thoughts. I also always have a moment with these things where I think "this has to be the turning point that persuades me to change for the better" but it never really drives home. I still eat too much and exercise too little... but I am getting my OH on board, and it will help in the long run.

It's March! Will someone please start the March thread? Kathleen?

I'm doing OK. Legs hurt. Eating right. I'll say more in a day or so...

Please join us at the March 2016 thread!
 

Fi: I just started the new thread. I am thrilled to hear about your driving adventure!!! Your vivid description made me feel as though I was a passenger in your car. I love your imagery! So happy that you were able to go for a long drive and feel "normal" and free again..... at last! :D