I've gained all the weight I lost back, mostly from health problems, depression, and boredom eating. I'm not working and it's become a sick anxious thing, I feel like I don't have value and that I'm just going to fail so that stops me from trying. I feel weak and crazy most of the time. I've tried medication before and most of them either don't work or make me suicidal. I'm trying to take care of myself and just failing and it sucks and it makes me even more annoyed at myself. I know what I need to do I just don't know how to make myself do it and I feel even worse because I don't have the will power to do those things. I hate being in such a bad head space and it's even worse knowing that I'm in it.

on the plus side of things I just stopped myself from eating a boredom snack so that's at least something.

GobabyGoGO, I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. I know how it is with the meds making you feel worse. That's how they affect me. You know, I really do believe that food is the key to helping depression. Science has proven that there is more serotonin (the feel good hormone) in the gut than in the brain and the vagus nerve connects the gut to the brain, and also there's been research saying the gut plays a huge role in immunity (since you mentioned health issues). I posted an article recently that said fermented foods may do more than some meds to help depression and anxiety, so lots of new research is coming out about the food/mood connection. It is great that you stopped yourself from eating a snack out of boredom! And I know you're upset about gaining your weight back, but you know, it will come off again! I think if we can start eating more healthily and exercising, it can greatly improve our depression and anxiety and help us cope with stress better. And by eating healthily, I don't just mean eating any type of food and cutting calories, but rather eating truly healthy foods, green veggies, berries, protein in meats, fish, eggs and legumes, healthy fats like nuts, etc. In your boredom, since you have access to a computer, start researching the connection between eating well, exercising, and depression/anxiety. It is possible to feel better without meds! I know! I'm doing it! Of course, if you do start feeling so low that you're having dangerous thoughts, you know to call 911. You are valuable! And you can feel better and get healthier! Believe that!

GobabyGoGo, it's great that you reached out and posted. Not working can add to depression. I've sure experienced that, even though at first it seemed like it would feel like a vacation. If that fits, it might help a little to structure to your day, setting a schedule for all the things you already do in a day. If you can, try to get in a little movement, even just a few minutes each day.

Another thing that helped me was Healthjourneys.com guided imagery/affirmations. I learned of them on 3FC. Belleruth Naperstek has a series that a number of people have mentioned. There is one for depression, relaxation, anger & forgiveness, trauma, weight loss, etc.

I hope you feel better soon and keep posting.

I sort of know how you feel Gobaby. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (otherwise known as the 'winter blues'). I'm vitamin D deficient year round, but in winter it's worse because obviously I get far less sun than the small amount I usually get.
I've been putting weight on lately because I've been eating when I don't need to. I'm not hungry. I don't need any extra vitamins. I'm just eating for comfort, because I'm cold and miserable and I feel awful. Both physically and emotionally.
It's very hard to look after yourself physically when your emotions are all over the place.
Take pride in the good choices you make. And when you plan to eat something, ask yourself if you're really hungry or if you're eating for some other reason. If you have already eaten and you've realised afterwards that it hasn't been out of hunger, try to think of ways to avoid it the next time around.

I used to be really great with my eating habits. I wouldn't eat unless I was hungry. I ate healthy foods and rarely drank alcohol. As my emotions have taken a nose dive, so have my habits. I need to get them back and the only way I'll do that is by learning to gradually be mindful again.

Take heart, there's plenty of people out there who are experiencing exactly the same thing as you and can relate and understand .

*hugs* I have been in this boat myself just recently. I got fired from my job. Which in itself was a blessing, hated the job but the 3 months of not finding a job no matter how hard I looked (and job hunting became a full time at first) quickly brought me further down in my depression and at the end I just gave up and pretty much stopped looking. I stopped trying to lose weight, dieting, etc. I just didn't care too instead I just ate out of boredom, sadness, etc. When I realized I was in a black hole I didn't know how to get out of it. I finally did get a job and that did help pull me out some but I'm still not completely out of this bout of depression.
I wish I knew what to say to help you get out but I don't. Just know that even though you may feel alone at times you're not. We all may have different reasons behind our depression and different severity of it but you're not alone in it.
I agree with mar737. Having some kind of structure may help. It helped me feel like my day/week was more "normal." Almost everyday at about the same time I went to the library. Did lots of reading and job hunting. I was there so often that when I finally got a job a completely random guy stopped me one day while I was grocery shopping and said "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?!? Why did you stop going to the library everyday?" I had to laugh and replied "I finally got a job. But I still go at least once a week." haha
Few years ago I was severely depressed. I won't go into details but a friend told me to get up, go outside, walk, and it didn't matter where just go outside and walk. It really didn't do anything for me at the time (then again if I would have done it more then once it may have, it was middle of winter and I live in the North) but in the warmer months I feel better when I spend time outside. It always helped my friend feel better at least for that moment but a moment is a start. I guess for us who suffer from depression (and for anyone really) that's what it comes down too. Moments, finding them, hanging onto them, and trying to link them together so we can go from having one moment to having a day full of little moments of feeling better and being happy.
Anyways, I'm rambling on and all I planned on saying is you're not alone and but I tend to mumble on with random thoughts.

Thanks for all the support everybody. I feel weird saying this(because I would wish the way I feel on anyone) but it's nice that you guys can relate/understand how I'm feeling. I'm going to try and keep working on my health and improving my life. Baby steps for now and there is nothing wrong with that.