I'm a heavy pear feeling really down on myself. It's bad even I don't feel sexy given that I'm overweight AND under endowed up top, but finding lingerie that fits properly and flatters even remotely is next to impossible. My bf loves lingerie and I do too in theory....he wants me to wear it and I can't find any for my shape that he and I would both like. The only thing I feel I can remotely pull off is babydoll and its the one thing that does nothing for him. I feel screwed by Mother Nature and royally screwed by clothing manufacturers.

It just adds to the bombardment of perfection shoved down my throat every day. More proof I'm not good enough.

I just feel like an unwelcome freak of nature that society is not so subtly telling she doesn't belong here. I'm really hating society and myself more every day. I don't know how to get out of this spiral.

Yes, I'm trying to get professional help...working on insurance stuff with that, but in the meantime, any support would help.

FrustratedPear, The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to eat well. Cut out the junk and processed foods. Take vitamins. Walk. Work on doing things that will lead to a healthier you, and slowly but surely, you will start to feel better. As far as wanting to wear sexy lingerie, do you have any stores near you where you could buy a corset? If not, maybe you could go online and order one. They are super sexy, no matter what size you are, and they will help boost "the girls" up, no matter their size either! Often they come with garters so you can add some stockings if you want to. Corsets are great, and truly, no matter what size you are, they can make you look and feel sexy. I wish you best!

I'm really sorry that you're struggling right now and I agree with Jacqui_D to take care of yourself.

When I was overweight, my husband used to always want me to "dress sexier" - not lingerie, but with everyday stuff. For him, it wasn't about being provocative, it really was about wearing clothes that fit me and didn't swallow me whole. I was under that (very very false) impression that wearing big clothes would hide my body, when they actually just made me look bigger.

One year, we took a family trip to Costa Rica and I had to purchase a dress and a swimming suit (UGH) and I tried something new - I had him pick them out for me. I didn't feel pretty or sexy at all in either one of them, but he really liked them and liked how I looked in them!

So, instead of trying to find the "perfect" lingerie, maybe ask him to help you shop and see what he responds to? He may love you in something that you'd never even consider!

what great advice the two ladies above gave! I am so sorry you are feeling so down on yourself, Ms.Pear ( ) I also hate that media TRIES to show that big boobs, skinny waist, long legs are the only 'sexy' but it is a woman's confidence in herself that is really sexy.

I have had to try very hard to just STOP being mean to myself, I sure wouldn't do that a friend, right? I've had to reinforce the cool things that I have done, and that I am kind to others, the volunteering that I do, the skills I have, etc. best wishes!

I agree with the other ladies, let him pick out what he likes on you. When you're with him, you're the only sexy almost naked woman in the room (likely? Unless manage a trois?) so rock it.

Therapy is a fantastic idea! I was so afraid to go, but it's been the best thing I have ever done for myself! Don't be afraid to look around until you find someone you really like and feel comfortable with. And I have to recommend some books (what can I say, I'm a reader!), Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (really anything by her, and check out her Ted Talk) have both helped me tremendously. Learning about mindfulness and putting some aspects of it into practice in my day-to-day life has also really helped. The most powerful thing is learning to question my inner critic instead of just believing everything she tells me. Like when she tells me I'm bad at something, dancing for instance, I stop and I ask myself "am I really that bad at it? and if I am 'bad' at it, so what? I enjoy dancing, isn't that all that matters?" It's really hard to do at first but it does get easier. My therapist explained it as training yourself. You've been conditioned to think negatively by your experiences in life and the people around you, so your mind automatically goes negative. It takes real effort to retrain your brain to think positively. And something that is really important is taking a look at where that thinking originated from. In my case my father is a perfectionist and the most negative and critical person I have ever met. My entire life my mistakes were thrown in my face. I was never, ever allowed to make mistakes. So it's pretty obvious, but there were also other more subtle influences that were harder to figure out. Making those connections were so integral to being able to confront my self-image. I realized how much of it I just accepted as true because that's what other people told me. I thought couldn't draw because my art teacher criticized me and you know what, the truth is she never really taught me how to draw. I'm teaching myself how to draw now and it's really fun, especially without the pressure to perform. And that's another thing, learn something new that you've always wanted to do, but were afraid to try. A new instrument, language, singing, knitting, whatever! Be open to it and don't expect automatic perfection. All professionals were beginners at one time, they had to learn like the rest of us. The difference is that they didn't give up because it was hard. Anyway, that's some things that have helped me. There are tons of other things I've learned along the way, but there's not enough time to tell them all.

As far as lingerie goes, it's great that you want to look attractive for your bf, but I have to say that it's far more important for you to find something that you feel good in. If you feel confident and sexy, I guarantee that your bf will think you look sexy. I don't know what size you are, but for me, finding plus size stores really helps. And just keep trying things until you find something you like. You may be surprised at what looks good on you. And when you do try something on, keep an open mind. Don't go into the dressing room thinking, "I'm going to look ugly, fat, etc..." If it is truly unflattering put it back, but I think it's likely you are being far too hard on yourself. Something that has helped me is to look at pictures of real plus-size women in sexy clothing. When I see a woman who is about my size or larger who has cellulite and stretch marks like me and realize that she is beautiful and sexy, that makes me challenge how I see my own body. The key is finding photos that aren't edited.

Seconding Brene Brown--her stuff really gives you a lot to think about and aspire towards.