Hi all, my name is Clarissa I am a 22 year old student. Most of my life I have been heavier than other children, I started gaining weight when I was around 10-11 years old, and ever since then I have been self-conscious about my weight. However, it wasn't until this past year that I decided to change my life around and lose weight to get the body I have always wanted. So in March 2012 I began counting calories and going to the gym obsessively. I quickly lost around 25lbs in a matter of 3-ish months. I went from 210~lbs to 180lbs, I felt great, looked great, and was more confident and happy than ever before. I am a pretty tall girl (5'9) and have a muscular frame, so 180lbs suits my body well.

In June I went on a trip with my family to Europe, which lasted approximately 2 months. During this trip I did not count calories and I didn't exercise explicitly, we just did a lot of walking and swimming, etc. When I came back home from the trip I weighed myself and I expected to gain a bunch of weight, but I only gained 4lbs. So now my weight was approximately 183-185lb range. However, as the summer ended and I went back to university, I stopped exercising, I stopped caring about the food that I ate, and I began to binge on fatty foods like peanut butter and sweets (they are my weakness). I noticed that my stomach kept getting bigger, and of course I was in denial and kept saying "oh that's just bloating, water weight, etc, from the excess food you're eating". Well, within a 1.5-2 month period I gained pretty much all the weight I had lost back in March, and now I am at my heaviest ever. I weigh approximately 210lbs, I have no self control when it comes to food. I keep saying 'tomorrow', or "I'm going to do this, blah bla," but I never seem to actually stick to it.

At one point a couple months ago, I hit rock bottom and decided that I needed to speak with someone about my withdrawal from any activities that I once loved. So I went to see a psychologist. He diagnosed me with depression. Of course, I knew that it was true, but being as stubborn as I am, I decided I would deal with it in my own way; and I never returned to the psychologist again.

Now it is almost 1/4 into 2013, and I feel more hopeless than I ever have before. I want to feel happy again, I want to be healthy, I want to fit into my clothes and I don't want to be ashamed of the way I look. I keep thinking about how confident I felt when I could finally go into a store and buy a pair of pants that I LIKED rather than buying clothes from the 'fat rack'.

I don't know what I am asking for here, but I guess I'm just trying to find some kind of support. I know I am new to this forum, but in the past I have used Myfitnesspal, but I have decided to stop using that because the calorie counting became obsessive and I felt so constricted by it. I have decided that I would much rather prefer to eat healthy foods in moderation rather than having numbers looming over my head all the time.

If any of you ladies can relate to my story, or have gone through what I am going through; I would love to hear about it. In my circle of friends I have no one I can turn to for support; all my friends are very thin and I feel ashamed to even mention my lack of discipline to them.

I'm really looking forward to hearing some of your stories, and hopefully I can turn my life around. Thank you all for reading (sorry for the essay).

Cheers!

Clarissa, most people who aren't following a strict maintenance plan can expect to see a bounce back of weight. So four pounds isn't bad at all - and I bet you were enjoying all kinds of yummy food on the continent as well...and you were exercising because you WANTED to. That sounds pretty darn healthy to me.

As someone who has been where you are...many times.... I beg you to think about changing your lifestyle and breaking the link between emotional needs and food. Come and have a look at the intuitive eating thread.

Also you can make a change to your life TODAY by restarting fitness. Go for a walk. Walk right down to the student centre and find a physical activity that you think you would enjoy. I soooo wish I'd tried more things when I was at university. Kayaking, fencing, rugby, soccer.... I just didn't believe I had it in me. But I did! I started playing rugby at the age of 42...I'm no good, but I'm enjoying the heck out of it. I played in my first game on Sunday. And it's given me awesome motivation to get fit. Rugby might not be your thing, but find something that is - whether it's team or solo. Rugby is also in general a bad lifestyle (binge drinking and so forth) so I don't want to encourage you down that road - but it suits me as I am a bad girl at heart.

I'm also gonna question your goal weight. If you looked great and felt great at 180 why do you want to go lower?

Hi, thank you for replying. It may have been the way that I phrased what I said, but I didn't just gain back 4lbs. That's what I gained when I came back from vacation. Then from September-December I gained back ALL the weight I had lost in the first place. So I went from 210-180, and then 180-184, and then 184 back up to 210.

Also, the reason why I would like to be 160 rather than 180 is because at a weight of 180 I am still overweight. I would like my BMI to be in the healthy range, and 160 is right at the top of the healthy section of the BMI chart.

Thank you for replying

Hey I got that you had regained all the weight from your previous restrictive diet and a bit more. You and 90% of other dieters have done this. But I'm saying that while you were in Europe and eating probably lots of yummy things you were still maintaining a nice weight. That's a huge positive - it shows you can live a healthy lifestyle without much effort. You just aren't living that healthy lifestyle now. You gotta get back to it. No exercise and a diet of peanut butter and sweeties?? You know that ain't right - and it wouldn't be right if you were overweight or a skinny minny.

I'm not judging the 160 thing - it may be the perfect weight for you. I don't know you or what you look like. I'm just questioning why you want to weigh 20 lbs less than a place where you felt awesome. Because it's at the top of the 'normal' range??? Those BMI boundaries were drawn arbitrarily. I'm guessing you're kinda a 'big gal' muscular and large framed? If so, BMI boundaries aren't meant for you. Really. My goal weight is in the overweight category.

And don't forget - the 'normal' range doesn't mean 'healthy' in long term study after study - people in the slightly overweight category of BMI are healthier and live longer than those in the normal range. I don't think this is because being fat is healthy, I think it's because the lines aren't drawn right and that a little bit of fat on some people's frames is normal and expected. On others - it doesn't suit them and isn't healthy.

But either way, the best predictors of health are a decent, varied diet and regular moderate exercise. You don't have either of those right now. You can't be skinny tomorrow, but you can start a healthy lifestyle today.

^This is really good advice- I think it's far easier to learn new habits and change your lifestyle if the focus is on feeling better... rather than just looking better. This is an obstacle I'm trying to overcome, as I integrate 3-4 workouts per week into my life. It's been about a month, and at first I was frustrated because I wanted to lose weight *right away,* but of course, short of a more restricted diet, that wasn't going to happen for me. Now it's been a month and I've lost 1lb- not huge, but I look fitter and have had less anxiety (the core cause of my overeating). It also just feels good to go to the gym/go for walks, because as a student my work often extends into the evenings and I never take "me" time.

OP- I have experienced something similar. I'm a lot shorter than you, and I was always a little overweight as a child, which was tough. In college I reached my highest weight (167lb on a 5ft frame), and decided to make a change. over the next four years, I lost 40lb, down to 127, and felt great. However, since starting graduate school, I've gained back 10-13lbs, and don't feel good about it.

It is really hard to talk about weight issues with thinner friends, so that's why I was glad I found this BB. Whenever I feel like I've fallen off the wagon, I come here and read some threads for advice, and don't feel so alone.

Just remember- as a student, you have plenty of opportunities to get involved in activities, but you also have a lot of studying! Remember that taking care of yourself both physically and emotionally actually saves you time in the long run. I think about all the time I've spent over the past 1.5 years in grad school feeling anxious and depressed, and realized that overworking myself was only burning me out, making my education an unpleasant experience.

If time isn't the issue, please consider talking to a school counselor or someone else you trust- this has helped me in the past, and it's worth trying if you can find someone you feel comfortable with.

Good luck!

Hello! Long time depressed person here. I totally get the being depressed but in denial thing. I have told people close to me in the past that if I seemed depressed to them, they need to tell me because I just get deeper into my hole and into my denial.

I've been on antidepressants for over 10 years. I've tried going off them and always ended up back on them. I even had to boost my dosage recently (doctor's advice). Believe it or not, that helped me jumpstart my weight loss again. I think the extra Zoloft made me a little manic at first, but it also made me able to refocus on my goals. I wanted to get up and go to the gym, I was able to stop snacking all night long.

Oh and that shame you mention? That's part of the depression.

Please, get help. Go back to the psychologist or find a new one. Or talk to a doctor about your depression and get medicine, or both. Once you address the underlying depression, the other stuff will fall into place.

I can definitely relate to your story and I know you have what it takes to regain control of your weight and your happiness! I'm 24 now but when I was an undergrad (19ish), I became depressed. I found it difficult to attend class and keep contact with friends. I would often burst into tears for absolutely no reason and I felt lost and scared all the time. I also struggled with my weight, constantly gaining and losing. My senior year I decided to take advantage of free counseling provided by my university. It took one session for someone to tell me I had serious signs of depression and that I should consider medicating.

I graduated, moved home and found a physician. Summer 2011, I began taking antidepressants. They diminished my anxiety and made me feel normal-ish. After several months, I decided to wean myself off of them. On the pills, I had gained even more weight and although I worked out plenty and ate relatively well, I could not lose the excess poundage. The medication also ruined my sex drive. Completely destroyed it to the point that it was causing problems in my relationship. For me, the side effects weren't worth the benefits.

After I got off the meds, the anxiety and panic never really came back. I mean, I have moments occasionally but not nearly as intense or often - it's probably close to a normal person's anxiety level now. The depression comes and goes but it has also diminished. I personally would not recommend antidepressants without first tying to change one's lifestyle. And I mean real, consistent change.

I really believe in the power of diet and exercise, even if I ignore that power for periods of time. You said it yourself: you felt great, looked great and were happier than ever after losing the weight. Even after you gained a little back, you still felt good because you were leading a realistic, healthy lifestyle. It may not be enough for everyone, but it may be enough for people like you and me. So please, before you decide to see someone (who will more than likely prescribe you something) join me on this weightloss journey. Exercise, eat well and consciously notice any improvements in your attitude and feelings. Try this again, first, for a few months. You'll have your difficult days as everyone does but stick with it. You have so much support here and I wish you the best of luck!