This is my very first post. A little scared but I know posting is better than isolating... so here we go.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic and my mother, to cope with my father, was a workaholic. My mom is tiny, (4'10") and a pushover. My dad is 6'0" and a bully. As a child I was subjected to their fighting, both verbal and physical, the worst of which took place when I was 8 and resulted in me not talking for a few weeks and living with my grandparents. This was also the birth of my life-long struggle with food.

Dad got sober a few days before I turned 15, but as strange as it sounds, our relationship actually became worse after that. Prior to him becoming sober, he had only physically assaulted me once. After that, more than I can count.

To make a long story short, I've spent the majority of my life, struggling with weight gain, emotional issues, self-esteem and anxiety. I put myself in stupid situations and through stupider relationships. I often made bad choices. I wasn't always reliable and often didn't keep my word. In short, I have struggled quite a bit and fallen on my face plenty of times.

But I have also made great strides. I attended Alateen after dad got sober, then AlAnon as well as OA (over-eaters anonymous) as an adult. I have gone through counseling, both group and private, and I have partaken in spiritual rituals/healing. I have also worked in an attitudinal-based Autism therapy program with a beautiful little boy that has changed my life. Today, I am off all pharmaceuticals for depression and anxiety and generally live a happy life.

My husband is incredibly supportive and even though we faced a huge hurdle right after we were married (I found out that he had cheated on me 3 years prior,) through counseling (both couples and each of us in private) and self-discovery we have come full-circle and are now closer than ever. We welcomed our first child in May of 2012.

My pregnancy was extremely difficult though and I was sick and unable to work all 9 months. We struggled with setback after setback, and a few close calls but we made it through the nine months with a healthy and VERY happy little boy.

Here's where I am at now though, and why I am struggling so hard. My husband and I had moved from California (where I am from,) to Florida (where my hubby is from) to help with his father's business. Long story short, the position and salary promised to my hubby by his dad never materialized and 7 months after we moved, I found out I was pregnant. By the time our little one arrived, we were in dire straits and ready to leave Florida behind and move back to our beautiful California. It just so happened that my parents were relocating and my grandmother, needed a caregiver. My mom proposed that I become said caregiver, giving us a chance to both get back on our feet and allow me to stay home with our boy.

It on the surface seems like a perfect solution but I was very wary. For one, even though the family dynamic as well as our individual relationships have improved significantly there are still many, many unresolved issues. I love my family and, more importantly, hold the belief that every human being is doing the very best that they can at any moment in time with the tools that they have. This allowed me to move past my resentment towards my parents even though they never acknowledged any wrong doing on their part. But I was not living near them, nor was I entangled in a business relationship.

Now I am and the results are far from pretty. They have not forgiven my past indiscretions as I have attempted to forgive theirs. In fact, they won't even acknowledge some of their bad behaviors from the past. Fine. But you would think I am still 14 and not pushing 30 by the way the talk to me. There is a complete lack of respect for me, not even basic respect they have for strangers. Moreover, now there is a HUGE power-over for them, because they offered this arrangement. I am grateful. I am glad they offered. And I am glad I accepted, still, but I am home-bound giving care to my grandmother every day of the week with the exception of 8 hours when (2 hours Monday, 6 on Friday) when a nurse comes in to bathe her and relieve me or when my mom feels like coming out. Generally, since I have to get the caregiver going, Mondays I don't get anytime out and Friday, I run errands for the house and my grandmother. I have been out to dinner with my husband one time for our anniversary and I have attended Sweat Lodge (my form of spiritual practice) one time. For this, our rent is covered and I get a $400 monthly stipend.

To top off matters, my grandmother who I'm in service to is the same woman who taught me my food addictions and is a very bad food addict herself. So the fact that it is my job to control her diabetes through diet has pretty much turned me into the bad-guy, that denies her sugar and sweets. And despite that being part of my job description, I receive no support and am constantly undermined. My mom will give her stuff outside the diabetic diet we follow, then I have to deal with the aftermath (and ER visit) that follow. Oh, and my grandmother has dementia and depression and (for the first time in my life) will say mean-spirited hurtful things.

I feel like my parents and I are helping each other in this setup, but my efforts hold no weight with them. Where the weight is holding is around my hips and thighs; I have currently regained most of my baby weight I lost the first few months after I gave birth, as I can't ever get out of the house to exercise. Plus, I feel like I am just in a pressure cooker, receiving criticism from my grandmother (who takes offense and me having to help her,) my father (who judges me for past behavior while never acknowledging the things he did and the roles he played,) and my mother (who projects her insecurities onto me).

On the plus side, I have a beautiful baby and a husband who loves and supports me, but most of our friends either live in SoCal (about 6 hours from where we are now,) in Texas or in Florida. I just ordered Zumba, so I am hoping that will be a great tool to get much needed cardio at home when I can find time between the needs of my grandmother and my son. We are climbing out of our desperate financial situation. We are saving for a car for me (currently we share one,) and returning to school will hopefully be on the horizon for me. I do love my family, I just am so beyond frustrated and really lose so much progress I have made in my own life being back in the thick of it. I want happy, vibrant and most importantly healthy relationships with my mother, father and grandmother but I don't know how to make it happen. And I feel like I revert to old, bad behaviors and dynamics when I am around them.

I've offered to go to family counseling (which I have located for us, free of charge,) but so far they have declined the offer. They are not bad people. They are just flawed people. But I made a commitment to care-give until July of 2013 and I feel like it is just a waiting game. In the meantime, on days like today I can feel my anxiety creeping back in and my blood pressure skyrocketing. To put that in perspective, even through my horrible pregnancy all my vitals were healthy and normal, despite my BMI.

I just want a little courtesy and respect and most of all support. But I am hoping that if I can't get it from my own family maybe I can get it from you strangers out in cyberspace. Thanks for your support and any advice is totally welcomed.

Welcome, and (((((hugs)))))) to you! And what a great attitude you have about all this, many people would be a lot less generous with their empathy and compassion for their family and themselves! Is there anyone else you can get on side, maybe a doctor or public health nurse, to help get the rest of your family on side with helping with diet and stuff? It's unfortunate that you aren't getting the respect you deserve, but maybe if they can hear the same things coming from someone else they can at least behave better if nothing else.

Welcome!!!
While my situation growing up was different than yours, it was completely dysfunctional as well. I am so glad to hear your baby is healthy and happy. I had a scary second pregnancy and while my son has/had a couple of birth defects he is healthy now so I can feel your relief and joy.
Ahhh, families. I try to take mine in small doses, the ones I still talk to anymore that is. My parents admit to some wrongs they did, won't admit to others and my mom was so sick she truly doesn't remember much of anything until I was about 17 and up. My dad traveled all the time for work so he was gone a lot, but when he was home.... well.
I am not sure what advice to give, just want you to know you aren't alone. You must be so stressed out and worried about everything I think there are almost always people online in here, and so far I think almost anything goes topic wise so vent away. It sounds like you are in such a tough spot, you love the people but hate the way they are. I hope things go well. Just know that while you are doing what you feel is right sometimes other people don't, won't or can't do the same. Even though we would like to and make them.


Does this even make sense? I swear I think it and try to type it out and it sounds so goofy and preachy and blech.

Welcome! Of all the things we have to deal with, family issues are the toughest. You sound smart and well adjusted, and like you've overcome a lot! And you totally deserve to be respected. That's not too much to ask, or demand, or anyone- especially family!

I totally agree with that. Good luck and welcome!!!

One thing that I've had to learn over the years is that you can't control anyone but yourself. It takes two people to make a relationship happy and healthy and if your parents aren't willing to do their share, you have to do what you can and accept them as they are knowing that you did everything you could. You can have a clear conscience about it.

I work very very hard not to allow anyone to bring me down or take me off track. We have so little control over so much when we are young but when we get older and have a better understanding of people, our happiness becomes our own responsibility.

You seem lovely. Good luck with your family.

*hugs* for your past and present struggles.

I have also had some family stress that, for me, caused an excessive weight gain (30 lbs) last year. Now, I'm trying my hardest to lose this weight.

I would certainly look at your situation as temporary for several reasons. First, it sounds like you don't want to live with your grandmother permanently, so you're working your way out of her house anyway. There's nothing wrong with look towards the future. Secondly, it sounds like your situation isn't the healthiest for you - how you're treated and the food struggles. I can see 2013 being a transition year, and the remainder of the time, I can see you forming a strong, healthy mindset of positive self-esteem and life and weight loss goals. It was certainly nice that the situation arose and that your family was there to help, but there's nothing wrong with moving forward with your life. Lastly, since you get barely any time for yourself, now is the time to practice turning negatives into positives. There's a lot of positive self-talk on this website, so be sure to stick around!

What are you doing for yourself, if anything, right now? How are you talking to yourself, about yourself? Are you preparing and eating healthy foods in the home? You said you ordered Zumba, when are you planning to do that?

I find that the positive self talk is ALWAYS the first thing that I need to get back on track. Next, I pay attention to my diet (where I'm at right now). After that, I step up the exercise.

I hope you find some good support on this forum. I find this website very helpful and practical, nothing out of my reach in terms of advice.

Let us know how you're doing!

Welcome and stay in touch

Thank you everyone for your comments. I intellectually know that this is temporary and that I am not alone in this, but having people reach out is very important and gives me more strength in the battle to self-love. Thanks for all the support.

Using positive self-talk seems like a good place to start, because I have definitely not been very gentle and loving with my self, as of late. My husband and I are going to have a long day away from the house with the baby on Friday, since I got no time off last week with the holiday, and we're using this time to allow me to get my hair cut and dyed. A little-bit of beauty pampering can go a long way.

The zumba will start as soon as it arrives! I can't wait to do it, especially since my husband is doing it with me. I taught dance when I was younger and really love it, but hubby is not a dancer at all so the fact that he is willing to do this with me just speaks volumes about how amazingly supportive he is. Who knows, maybe he'll get so good he'll actually feel like going out dancing.

As far as food goes, I really don't have a meal plan yet. I know I need to cut down on portions and snacking and find a way to eat regularly. It is not uncommon for me to eat breakfast at 10:30am or later, after grandma and baby are both fed and it's also not uncommon for me to eat dinner at 10:30pm or later, if I don't have a chance to cook something before the baby goes down. Part of that issue is that my parents have been using the room that will be the Nursery for storage since we moved here, so the baby's crib is set up in a section of the living room, which is connected to the kitchen. They have begun to move that stuff to a storage unit though, so looks like we will have a place for him in a matter of weeks. That should make the dinner dilemma a little easier, but often my hubby brings home dinner and since we are in such a small town that means dinner from one fast food place, (the only one open when he get's off,) and because we are trying to save money, most often from the dollar menu. Far cry from 2 years ago when we were vegetarians.

I am trying not to focus too much on putting myself on a strict diet at this time, simply because I think any movement in the right direction will get results and until I can find my groove I don't want to set myself up to fail. I think I will begin simply by journaling what I am eating everyday (I use fitday), monitor my portions, cut out as much processed/junk food as possible and incorporating as much veggies as possible. I have plenty to loose so I am sure I'll get results. I can get stricter about it as time goes on and pounds come off.

Anyway, thank you all for the support. It is just nice to be heard (by someone other than the hubby, even though I am super-grateful he does,) and not be blown off or dismissed.

My love to all of you people. <3 I am ready for this journey.

My goodness me you have alot to deal with and, as another poster has said ,you have overcome a great deal.
I come from a dysfunctional family too and whatever I did to be a "good daughter" or a "good sister" wasn't enough. I would never live up to my brother's academic prowess and later on how much money he made, I wasn't career focused enough, I was ALWAYS too fat to be asked to certain family gatherings. Round and round in circles I went trying to please everybody...and failing...of course.
Then 2 things happened.
My Mum died of a particularly nasty form of early dementia and I no longer had to have contact with my abusive step-father.
Then I met my amazing husband who looked at my family and could not believe that my aunt ( my mum's sister ) and my brother and sister in law still had regular contact with the stepfather who not only abused me but made mine and my brothers life so difficult when we were kids and later on too.
I see "my " family as my children and my husband....not the people who judge, condemn and criticise me who I had previously called family.
I don't see them at all any more, even though my aunt lives just across town. Yes every now and again I get a pang of sadness that I have no "roots" to speak of and consider getting in touch, but I know I would still end up in the same place. You deserve better than to be your family's whipping boy, my lovely. You are a strong, loving lady who has been through an awful lot and is still trying to please her family.
I am sorry to have gone on so much but your story resonated with me in so many ways.
Take care and keep strong.

You are in a tough situation right now but on the other hand you are building to a much less stressful future. You have come to accept the past and have moved on; it is your parents loss that they can't.
It will be a huge plus for you and your hubby to have less financial stress in the future so keep an eye to that.
As for Granny being unpleasant I can relate to that. My mom is in the early stages and sometimes is fine, but more and more is bitter and angry. Unfortunately that is part of the condition. It will be likely that she will need more care than you can give her at home in the future and you and hubby will have had the opportunity to be more secure financially when that happens.
What is important in this is your relationship with your new family, hubby and the baby.

I think it's necessary for you to get a job that doesn't revolve around being a caretaker or family. I think being dependent on family when they are this unstable is just a recipe for disaster.

1. What a wonderful person you are! You care so much about your family and are willing to forgive. They are so lucky to have you in your life.

2. I understand your frustrations with your grandmother's eating habits. My mom has terrible eating habits as well and as pre-diabetic. She refuses to listen to my suggestions and I am getting so frustrated.

3. Do you think you can set aside an hour, 3 times a week for you to go to the gym by yourself? Your house sounds like a pressure cooker, so some non-negotiable "me time" may be useful perhaps?

-huge hugs-!

You have had great difficulties in life but look how far you have come. You have made tremendous strides . Look upon this present situation as temporary, there is an end date. Take one day at a time. Try to remember that Grandma is not well and that is why she is difficult. Are there Visiting Nurses in the area that could give you a break ? Or maaybe someone has had experience with caregiving and wants some parttime work, maybe a day a week, you do need some relief.
PS are you in Mariposa by any chance ? I lived there years ago and my 2 sons own some mountain property way back in the sticks.

Heavenly days! You are a saint! I would have told those relatives to stuff it a long time ago.

Actually I did tell part of the in-law family to stuff it a long time ago and we get along great now, because they know, I won't take any BS.

Door mat no more!

Sometimes ya just gotta lay down the law!

Hugs