My inner bully and I have a very complex and intimate relationship. I've known her since I was a kid.

She's been at every major event, good and bad, in my life, constantly whispering in my ear. "You're not good enough.". "You know you're going to fail, why bother?". "No one likes you. You have no friends and never will.". "He doesn't really love you.". "Look at yourself. Go sit under a bridge somewhere."

She's even here now, as I sit after trying to do a fat burn workout on my treadmill. I got in a whole minute of that before my leg cramped up. "I told you you couldn't do it. Give in now."

So, instead of picking myself back up and trying again, I stopped. I got in 30 minutes of walking and 1 minute of fat burn..what's that going to do? And why do I constantly let my inner bully win?

I really need some encouragement. I told my husband and he just looked at me and sighed. "He doesn't really love you."

I think I need to buy her a bus ticket and send her on her way.

Wow, did our inner voices go to school together?!
This is what works for me, visualize a cage in my head that I shove "her" into and throw a blanket over, it quiets down. When "she" starts yelling or talking take a moment to kick the cage! I've been known to yell at it. It sounds a little crazy but allowing that voice to control you instead of you controlling it will do more damage.
Any one else have tips on "shutting up" that bully voice!??!

My therapist asked me if I would be friends with someone who talked to me the way I talk to myself. I scoffed at her but she was really on to something. I have found that the best way to quiet the negative voices is action. Walking for 30 minutes is AWESOME. It's better than nothing. If you stop, she wins. If you keep going, you win. I feel like a lot of my depression has been about my anger at myself for letting her (inner bully) win for so long. You fail if you don't try but if you keep pushing forward, you get a little bit closer each time. You just have to decide what it's going to be.

Here's another possible approach. Whenever your inner bully whispers negative things in your ear, try responding with a noncommittal "Is that so?" That way you avoid getting into an argument with her (if it's a her!). Arguments have a way of getting us agitated and tense, even if we're "winning." Saying "Is that so?" is the equivalent of shrugging. It's sending the message to your bully that you've noticed her whispers but aren't paying any attention to them. They have no more significance than the clouds in the sky: in your field of vision one minute, gone the next.

F.

F.

Thanks. I definately won today. I walked not 30, but 110 minutes. And if I heard that inner voice, I just sang along louder with my music.

Good for you! And even if you do have days where you don't do as well as you would like to - hey, at least you tried! Everything counts, even if that stupid little bully says it doesn't. What does s/he know, anyway?

Lol. Men don't understand. They can love us, but I don't think they are too good at understanding us most of the time. I can relate to the inner bully. I think it's just practice, just countering it over and over, and realizing that we can get these message stuck so deep in our minds without even necessarily knowing where they come from. It doesn't mean they are true, or that we have to let them stay around forever. =-)

You are amazing! 110 minutes is HARD CORE! And thanks for the tip...loud music seems like an excellent way to drown out the inner bully...love it!

Honestly, there was not much I could do to stop myself from having that conversation with myself, and there was nothing I could do to stop the voice. I had to go to therapy and really find out where it was coming from and why I thought it was okay to talk to myself the way I would never talk to another person. I ended up going on Citrelopram and the voice was gone within three days. I couldn't believe what it was like to have peace and quiet in my head. I felt sad that I hadn't known what life in an "average" mind was like-- a lot easier! After the drugs, therapy really helped me to interact with my insecurities in a whole new way and I stopped being afraid of my insecurities. I could look at them head on, and I was able to look at myself and really acknowledge how insecurity and self-doubt had played a role in my depression and my life.

I, too, have an inner bully. When I fight back against my bully she only gets stronger in her arguments so my therapist recommended I try this approach... When my bully says things like "You are going to fail." or "You are such a bad person for eating this or that." I should respond by saying "I know you are trying to help me by being vigilant but my adult self has this under control. Thank you for being concerned but I've got this one." That way the bully doesn't feel threatened and ramps up her game. Reading this back I know I sound crazy- I guess that's why I'm in therapy. But it seems to work for me. Good luck!

My inner bully has been pretty quiet lately. She's a real b*tch though and I prefer it this way. Action has been the only way I've found to get her to shut up.

I LOVE this thread!

ChickieBoom, my therapist told me the same thing, so I've been really trying to tone down the negative self talk. I also go to a group called Recovery International and they give us "tools" that we can use to help stop the negative self talk. I've found that it helps sometimes; I'm not there 100% - but I don't beat myself up anywhere as much as I used to.

I also try and give myself compliments whenever I can. I know it sounds cheesy, but I even say them out loud. For example, after my run today, I came home and said to myself that "I kicked a** during my workout". I said it out loud a few times.

owlsteazombies, send that heffa packing with a one way bus ticket!!!

I don't have an inner bully as much as the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other. I hear them in my head arguing back and forth. You are already fat, go ahead and eat that, no don't eat that you are doing so well, don't give up. Then I find myself arguing with them too, out loud sometimes. I am glad no one hears me doing it, well not most of the time anyway

I would NEVER body shame (or just generally shame) another person but I did it to myself all the time. I still have my moments nowadays but have adopted the RuPaul mantra of "If you can't love yourself, how the heck you gonna love anyone else?" My body/health is a work in progress but I don't need to make myself feel worse by listening to that inner bully.

I'm going to try this! I will say something nice to myself and then say, "but...". I need to stop that. If I can't be proud of myself for small victories, what's the point!

I love this thread too.