I'm new to this forum and I joined because I thought that maybe someone here either is experiencing the same thing or has been been experiencing the same thing that I have. I've tried everything--a psychiatrist, talking to my boyfriend, talking to my parents, and nothing has worked. I just need some advice.

I'm 19 and I've been horrifically overweight since I was young. I need to lose about 90 pounds to be a decent weight and I can't help but feel that it's impossible. I've tried many times in the past with some success, but I've mostly experienced failure. I suffer from depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. I have medication for the first two, but it's the self-esteem that always gets me down.

I've always felt that I'm "below" other human beings because I'm not pretty or thin. Even though my boyfriend of 2 years reassures me that I'm fine the way I am, I only believe him for a short while. When I'm feeling down on myself, I have a tendency to make things worse: I'll read the unkind comments about overweight people on Yahoo articles related to obesity in any way, I starve myself, and sometimes I consider self-mutilation. Other days I'm okay and I find that a nap settles all of my emotional issues.

My biggest problem is believing that I can lose weight. I want it to be a quick process, but I know it's not. I want to stop being teased and laughed at. I want the little voice in my head to stop criticizing my every move simply because I'm fat. Since I have anxiety, I also want to stop worrying about my health.

I try to lose weight, but my lifestyle plans always backfire on me. I get confused with what to eat, when to eat, and so on. The only thing I've managed to do is wean myself off of pop/soda. When I'm depressed or bored, I binge eat.

In short, I'm looking for methods to get myself motivated and stop being so hard on myself. I would appreciate it if someone could share their stories and or advice.

Well, first is putting the problems in the right buckets.

• Obesity goes in the physical health bucket.
• Self-esteem and anxiety goes in the mental health bucket.

Like that.

That is a belief. Beliefs can be changed. Put it in the mental bucket.

This is true. Have you taken a time out to pat yourself on the back for that one? Do you take enough time out to pat yourself on the back for the times when you DO think clear?

Like wake up your inner cheerleader some more so she can go "Hey! WTG! You SO called that one right!"

This is not in your control. Some people are jerks. You may feel hurt by comments, but you can choose how to react. What you feel in the moment is VALID. But you can decide to take it on board or not and internalize it.

You can decide to excuse them for being dingdong heads. And let it go that way for the interest of your own mental health. (I recc this. You can decide YOUR mental health and well being are more important than ding dong head opinons.)

You can decide other people are in charge of your self esteem and give your power away. And internalize ALL things people send your way willy nilly. (Do not recc this decision!)

Really you have to recognize in your thinking that it is up to YOU how you REACT to your feelings. To feel things sometimes? Not controllable. We just feel it when we feel it.

To decide how to react to the feeling? IS CONTROLLABLE. We can decide things all the time. Any time. Even deciding NOT to decide anything is a choice.

You seem to recognize the mental monkey inside is talking bad stuff at you. Do you recognize that you don't HAVE to take out monkey hijinks out on your body just because the monkey says so? That you don't HAVE to live with a monkey?

We ALL have some kind of monkey on our back. And he needs to be dealt with firmly. Even being at goal weight? You would not be happy because of the monkey still going on with his monkey noises and your inner cheerleader is not being feed to make her strong enough to battle him!

Remember to keep things in the right health buckets. Remember you are in charge of yourself. Learn to catch yourself when it is getting to be too much monkey talk and inner cheerleader needs to step it up.

That is the first step. Next is recognizing the trigger situation

2 How you feel about it. Hot? Angry? Nervous?

3) How did you decide to react to the feelings? Did you even decide TO REACT IN CONTROLLED WAY or just decided to let the bad feeling monkey drive you wherever? (Monkey's a bad driver!)

4) Did you try a new thing? What did you learn from trying it that way? What could you try next time if it did not work? Did you feed the inner cheerleader some for at least TRYING a new approach? Get your inner cheerleader stronger by exercising her more. It's ok if she's a little weak right now. Work with her instead and stop feeding the monkey!


You do sound like you can spot when monkey thoughts are happening. Just don't know how to fight them off. My parents are learning this system to help with dad's anxiety and other issues. So he can learn how to get rid of his bad monkey thoughts and work on his inner cheerleader more.

http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/sy...l-language.asp

But however it is you learn to do it with that recovery support group or something else .... get the monkey off the back.

Makes weight loss process so much easier without comments from the monkey. So in your shoes, I'd work on shooing monkey thoughts first. Then work on weight loss monkey free. Some people can manage to work on both at the same time, but it is ok if you cannot and have to take it in smaller steps.

Take a time out to give yourself the props for trying! OFTEN! Start feeding your inner cheerleader more and feeding the inner monkey less.

GL!


A.

It's good that you recognize what your problems are and that you're getting treatment for your depression and anxiety. If you're not seeing a counselor to work on your self-esteem and binge eating issues (or if your counselor isn't very helpful), I'd suggest that you find somebody who can help you with that. If that's not a possibility (or even if it is, actually), I think you might want to look into doing some work on your own with self-help books (if you're not already). A book that my shrink "prescribed" for me, and that I have found very, very useful, is Feeling Good by David Burns. It's aimed at people who are dealing with depression, has a whole section on building self-esteem, and you can work on the stuff by yourself.

Getting off of soda is a great accomplishment! Congrats for that! Pop is bad in so many ways; it's great that you've kicked the habit.

Because your weight is so high, unless you have some specific health problems that affect your body's ability to process food and respond appropriately to it, I'm not sure that you need to get wrapped up in a super strict plan at this point. There are pretty few hard and fast rules for healthy eating, and if you look around the boards you'll see people who are doing all sorts of different plans and losing weight at a safe pace. For me, the easiest and most effective method for managing my eating has been to make simple changes that I think I can stick with.

If you're not even sure what changes to make, you may want to consider scheduling some sessions with a dietitian or joining Weight Watchers or a similar program that can provide some basic guidelines and help you build good habits. Although I'm not a member of WW now, the information provided in their materials and meetings gave me knowledge (and recipes) that I continue to use. If that's not possible or desirable, continue to see what people on here are doing and continue educating yourself about healthy eating - but don't get hung up on finding the perfect plan. Everybody's "perfect" is different, and it will probably take you some time and experimentation to find out what types of foods and what eating schedule work best for you. In the meantime, it might be more useful for you to just work on making little changes and improvements in your eating habits.

Good luck!

Here is the story I was looking for. Stop feeding your inner bad dog and teach it to heel!

HTH!
A
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An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

I love your story!

xSarabean: Things will get better. You are 19. You are on the verge of being a grown-up. You are about to go to college, or get a job. You will find yourself. You will find something that makes you proud to be you. I don't care if it's your dream job or crocheting. You'll find it.

People who tease you now are doing so because they have their own miseries. Everyone has misery to work through. Understand that people hurt each other because they're trying unsuccessfully to unload their misery on someone else. It won't work, of course, but that's human nature. You are not less of a person because someone else is miserable and takes it out on you. You are just another person, with your own share of misery. You're no different from anyone else.

You say you don't know much about healthy eating, but I'll bet you have SOME idea. Just start with portion control, cutting out processed foods, and getting a balance between different types of food. That's all. Do this for a couple of weeks, then start fine-tuning by learning about calories and macronutrients (carbs, protein and fat). You can Google all this stuff to get more ideas.

As people often say on this board, a year from now you'll be glad you started today.

Freelance

Sarabean, I have thirty+ years on you, but am quite familiar with your dilemmas. From someone with a little more life experience under her belt, but by no means an expert, try giving yourself smaller goals to start when it comes to weight loss; take it 5-10lbs at a time - it's a much more manageable number and easier to remain motivated. With each success, you have the knowledge that you can succeed. I can empathize with your frustration, but taking charge starts with the small beginning steps and sticking to your resolve while also remaining kind to yourself when you might occasionally fail. Weight loss is a process that involves far more than simply eating less. You have computer access, so begin researching the fundamentals of healthy eating and strive to incorporate the principles into your everyday life - there are many, many wonderful recipe blogs and websites that promote meals to aid in weight loss. And never underestimate the power of exercise - even something as simple as taking a walk around the block once or twice a day can do wonders to your general sense of well being. By learning to take charge in smaller chunks, you may feel less overwhelmed. Remember - a small victory is still worth celebrating.

That is NO SMALL FEAT! I've done it, so I know. If you can do that, you can certainly change your food habits.

.

I'm new here too and have had some mental/verbal abuse before I started to lose weight. (luckly that male isn't in my picture anymore) I'll tell you what I did and all in all, I think it helped me lose 40pounds. 1) make a plan and stick with it! 2) every week build on that plan by adding two-three things to it.They can be big or small ideas and practices to add. Example, start drinking unsweet tea instead of soda. 3) exercise: just start somewhere, anywhere, it could be walking for starters. and you would be surprised at how much of a difference that will make on you physically and mentally. Personally, it gave me time to myself to just zone out and meditate in away. 4) do things that make you happy. Start with the small things. 6) find a song, lyric, quote, ect that inspires you or motivates you. Something so simple can do sooooo much. Example: every time I felt much like what you're describing I would say to myself a part of a song that made so much since to me. "Now the world can be an unfair place at times But your lows will have their compliment of highs. And if anyone should cheat you. Take advantage of or beat you raise your head. And wear your wounds with pride" this was my motivator and still is. 7) above all, make sure you are doing this for all the right reasons. Make this about you and not what someone else thinks. That would just be feeding that bad dog dessert on a silver platter.

I hope this will at least give you an idea on how/where to start. Its going to be arduous but well worth the work. But in the end, you can look back at all that hard work and say to your self "I did that. That is my work right there and I am proud of it. No one else did that but me."

It sounds like you have the want, now just implement that desire to change the things you want. You just need to find your courage!

It takes a lot of effort to change your thinking patterns, but it's not going to be an overnight thing. Nothing comes easily, and quick fixes are like cheating yourself out of the best results. So take the time to do some research and learn how to start eating healthy and start loving to exercise! I know it's not easy, but as time goes by you will get stronger physically and mentally! So don't give up on yourself, because you're the only one who can make a change. Everyone in this forum is just a great source of information, inspiration and motivation, but it's up to you to use all of it and put it to good use. I starved myself in high school and lost about 30lbs, and believe me I regret it. My boobs and arms sagged a bit from doing that. You really don't want to cause your body damage by doing anything drastic, so don't stress out and take your time with losing weight. You should only be losing about 2-3lbs a week. Believe me, I've fallen off the diet wagon sooo many times, but what matters is that you keep trying and never give up on yourself.

everybody can give you all the advice in the world. if you ask 100 ppl, you'll get 100 answers ranging from "do nothing - you're perfect just as you are" to "just forget it - there's no point even trying" depending on how positive or negative your relationship is with that person and what their own personal hangups are. it's YOUR decision who you're going to put your faith in.


what did you use as your basis for your calculation? did you get it from your doctor or from a website? did you factor in your height and the size of your body frame as well as your activity level and the kinds of things you like to do when you're active? all those have an impact on your "ideal" weight.

the only time you actually failed was when you said "i quit". that's the great thing about losing weight and training dogs - every day is a brand new start. it's not like, for example, planting a garden - wait too long to get started and you're screwed for the year.


you have a boyfriend - think of all the ppl who are single no matter what they try. your appearance is the first thing and the last thing in a relationship - it's the first thing that gets someone's attention at the start, and when it's matured, it's the last thing that matters.

heck, my boyfriend's a hindu from trinidad who - if i were to be bluntly honest - quite resembles those carvings on Aztec temples or even a bullfrog when he packs the weight on (i hate the fact that he can look down at his gut, frown, and two weeks later it's gone).


that's wallowing. consider cognitive therapy to get you out of such unhealthy mental habits.

and yet that little voice in your head keeps teasing you with the promise of the magic bullet - that "one wierd old tip" - that will instantly solve all your problems. we all hear that voice. the trick is to drown it out with common sense and scientific fact: unless you have some freaky biology or a medical condition such as a malfunctioning thyroid, you CAN lose weight - you just need the persistance.


i was born with a hare lip and cleft palate. i learned very early in life that ppl are dicks. when it comes to weight, however, i just feel smug in the knowledge that i'm fat but they're morons and i can always lose the weight.


the little voice in your head is you - YOU need to stop criticizing your every move.


that's a valid concern - start with a full physical workup (blood test, urine test, blood pressure, the whole schmeer)

you set your own lifestyle plans - make them accessible and break them down into shorter, smaller, interim goals and you'll have an easier time of it.

as for what to eat, when, etc, that's education and knowledge.

me, i eat every 3hrs - that means if i have to stop working and make a quick trip to the bathroom to knock back a protein shake, then that's what i do.

for the bingeing, binge away - as long as it's the right stuff. me, i'm on a very-low-calorie diet, medically supervised through my family doctor (it was literally a matter of life, life in a wheelchair, a living death in a coma from stroke, or death before i'm 50 and i'm only 45!). my "binge" food is veggies - i can eat all the (plain, undressed, tossed) salad i want. the amount you'd have to eat to actually damage a diet is probably physically impossible.

summary:

- line yourself up with a mental health professional you respect and trust who can help you reprogram your unhealthy mental habits
- take the time to educate yourself on healthy eating habits
- consult a reputable website or a dietitian in order to determine a healthy weight and develop an eating plan that works for YOU
- find YOUR activity - maybe you only walk the dog now, so look into agility training; maybe you prefer water classes such as aquarobics; barefoot running is really popular these days or you could ride a bike. whatever it is.
- do not weigh yourself daily - weigh yourself weekly at the very most, less would be better (biweekly or monthly).
- reward yourself (gold stars work nicely) every day you keep on track.
- every time you slip off, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and carry on where you left off.

xSarabean,

I feel your pain. I have suffered from low self-esteem my whole life and it has gotten better as I've recognized it, but also gotten worse as I've gotten older for other reasons.

Great advice from these ladies. A psychologist will help you. The challenge with some of the most debilitating mental health problems is that the most effective treatment is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Because I am a private person, or, rather, feel too low about myself to admit my deepest thoughts and fears, therapists have never really heard my deepest issues. But that doesn't mean they haven't helped. It's the work at home that is most effective.

I recommend two books:

The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. He wrote the manual that most psychologists use for CBT and this is a step by step workbook to get you through it. It's super long but it was a lifesaver for me.

If you can't commit to all those pages, Ten Days to Self Esteem by the same author is a good starter.

A therapist is a good facilitator while you use the books for homework, because he or she will help break down your thinking when you aren't able to. BUT, the workbooks are good because you can use them every day and are a good help for those of us who are private or still too afraid to say some things out loud to other people.

You might find this helps your weight loss, too.

Good luck...keep posting! I think you have kindred spirits in this group.

Peace,
jerzygal

Hello, you really nailed it. This is the exact same things I think and feel. Thanks for sharing because I thought that I was the only person who thought like this.

OP, are you me?

Seriously, we sound very similar. Except for the boyfriend. I don't think I'm ready to start going down that road, lol.

Pretty much everything you said I have been through/am going through. I've been overweight most of my life and have steadily gained since I was around 13/14 (before then I was a relatively normal weight, though still very paranoid about my body and convinced I was huge).

I too suffer from depression and anxiety, and extremely low self-esteem. I have also internalized the ridiculous belief that people who are smaller than me are somehow 'better' or 'smarter' than I am. I know that's not true, but it is very difficult to dislodge an idea or belief which has taken root inside your brain. I really empathize with you on that one.

"My biggest problem is believing that I can lose weight. I want it to be a quick process, but I know it's not. I want to stop being teased and laughed at. I want the little voice in my head to stop criticizing my every move simply because I'm fat. Since I have anxiety, I also want to stop worrying about my health.

I try to lose weight, but my lifestyle plans always backfire on me. I get confused with what to eat, when to eat, and so on. The only thing I've managed to do is wean myself off of pop/soda. When I'm depressed or bored, I binge eat."

All of this -- and I mean all of it -- is me too. I get very disheartened when I think about how much weight I have to lose (about the same amount as you, incidentally) and I desperately want a quick fix. It sucks to be putting in the hard work I am putting in now and have very little to show for it. People can't notice yet; I'm still very big, and it feels like forever will pass before I'll get anywhere with my weight.

But let me tell you -- it is worth it. I've lost inches off my stomach in just three weeks. I can now fit into things I couldn't fit into before. Today, I fitted into a cinema seat that just a short while ago was strangling me.

Once you stop eating crap and exercising a little, everything starts to fall into place. You stop thinking about the road ahead and start focusing more on the mini-goals you will achieve along the way. You will feel more energetic and less depressed. You'll feel like a new life is just around the corner. You'll realize that you don't have to be trapped inside your body forever. And believe me, I know what that's like and it's a horrible feeling, not being able to do things smaller people can do: Being able to walk around in public and not be stared and sniggered at -- to just blend into the crowd, for example.

All of this is possible for us.

You've already made a wonderful change in cutting back on your soda. That is one less thing you have to worry about. Before I started this diet I did the same and gradually reduced my sugar intake. The longing for food is much less painful when you're not hankering for sweets.

You CAN do this. I'm 23 years old and I regret not doing this when I was 18-19. I have wasted so much time. I can't waste any more. And you are still so young -- do this now before five years passes and you're still struggling with your weight.

Start small with the exercise. I started with daily half-hour walks, around three weeks ago, and I have lost almost seventeen pounds. Cut back drastically on your salt-intake, up the amount of water you drink, make sensible low-sugar, low-GI choices for breakfast and lunch, with fruit for snacks, and eat lean protein (like chicken breast) with vegetables (preferably greens) for dinner, and I can guarantee you'll be feeling very differently three weeks from now.

Good luck, and PM me any time you need support. We seem to have a lot in common.

P.S.

"When I'm feeling down on myself, I have a tendency to make things worse: I'll read the unkind comments about overweight people on Yahoo articles related to obesity in any way..."

I do this too. So nice to know I'm not alone.