Almost went off the deep end yesterday
 

I am depressed. Basically it's 2 issues that keep cycling back and forth: 1) i am depressed because i want to lose weight, and 2) when trying to focus on dieting, i simply cannot stop thinking about food. I think about food 24/7, and the only way to stop that would be if i just let myself eat whatever i want all day, in unlimited amounts. That would cure the second problem--i wouldn't be driving myself crazy daydreaming about food. But then it would exacerbate the first problem. I know i don't have much weight to lose, i just want to lose a few pounds (or even just maintain), but it's a constant struggle not to binge.

Yesterday i was supposed to go to the gym after work, but i secretly wanted to go home and binge, so i decided to go home and do a home improvement project instead of going to the gym. I stopped at the hardware store and bought a can of paint stripper. I got home and ate 2000 calories' worth of food. It didn't even feel like a binge, it was like nothing. Then i attempted to open the paint stripper and the damn thing WOULD NOT OPEN. I was seriously THIS close to stabbing the can with a knife, i was so pissed off. I went next door to knock on my neighbor's door to ask him to open it, and he wasn't home. I went back home and i did not know what to do. Typically, food would be the answer, but i wasn't even hungry anymore. So i called my health insurance (a really shitty HMO) and said i needed to make an appointment with a counselor. They gave me a number to call. I called and the guy said "is this an emergency?" i said no, and he said to call back between 8 and 5.

At this point i REALLY did not know what to do. I sat there for a moment and said it's 6:00 p.m., i have obviously given up the thought of exercising for the night, i've already binged, it's too early to go to bed, seriously WHAT THE **** AM I GOING TO DO? Luckily, just then i heard my neighbor open his door. So i had him open the paint stripper and i did my project, which occupied me for the night. Had he not come home, i don't know what i would have done. Probably gone to the grocery store to buy binge food...but you can only binge so much...i don't know what i would have done for the rest of the night.

Later i decided that if i want to heal from my depression, i have to want to. Counseling isn't going to help me if i don't try to change my thoughts. That made me feel a little better. This morning i'm feeling bad again though. It seems hopeless. And HMOs are so worthless...i can't call a counselor between 8 and 5 because i'm at WORK.

It's so hard to get home from work, change clothes, and go out again to workout that most of us fail at that. The only thing that works for me is to head straight for the gym on the way home from work and just do it. There are endorphins created in the brain by the process of exercise that makes us feel better naturally. If you feel good about yourself and your workout, you're much less likely to binge at home later.

Maybe you need to pack some gym clothes and try this.

Oh i did. But all i thought about all day was how much i wanted to go home after work and binge. So i basically came up with an excuse (house project) to let me go home instead of going to the gym. Maybe next time i should just give myself permission to stop somewhere for some crap food on the way to the gym. That way i might binge but i'd still get to the gym. Anyway...as you see...it's a constant battle to stop thinking about food.

For me, working out in the morning before work makes it so that no matter what, I got my workout in, even if my day gets frustrating or thwarted somehow.

I also plan my foods out ahead of time, even cooking my meals and freezing them so it's quick, portioned out, and I'm still eating healthy foods.

Since I took the time already to plan my day out and make sure it's all balanced, I don't feel pressure or stress to think about food, I just follow my plan.

At this point (five years after I started cooking/planning ahead) I don't have to actually write anything down. I make different foods for lunch (100-175 calories) and those for dinner (300-400 calories) and just pick the one I'm in the mood for. I typically have at least 4 choices for lunch and 6 choices for dinner, but if I want something else, I'll cook it when I get home from work.

Sunday-Thursday I pack my lunch, mid-morning snack, and afternoon snack into a lunchbag for the next day and stick it in the fridge. I do it for my daughter, so why not for myself (and now for paying coworkers!)?

I do sometimes exercise before work, but i find it helpful to exercise after work as well. Because if i don't do it, then i basically use the entire evening to binge.

Sometimes I don't get home until 8 or 9 because I'm out and about (and I pick up my daughter by 5:30 from school). Can you call friends to go window shopping, for a walk/hike, hang out at someone's house, get some coffee, etc? I find that out of my friends at least one is willing to go somewhere almost every day.

Maybe directly after having dinner, you can leave the house. I always plan for one night snack too. Eventually it may train your body/mind not to binge.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this :hug:

I remember times where I would eat an entire container of oreos while my husband was out and try to figure out how I was going to explain that when he got home. The guilt of it made me make peanut butter sandwiches and start eating those, too. I don't binge nearly as much anymore, and it came down to realizing that I had to do something about it and that I was in control, as unlikely as that seemed. I don't keep trigger foods in the house anymore, and when people bring food in to work, I put it where I can't see
it (we have an entire drawer filled with chocolate ALL THE TIME!). I will not eat things people shove in my face, no matter how insistent they are. I also don't put myself in situations where I can binge, such as at a restaurant with no healthy alternatives. It is a daily battle, but you can gain control over it. You just have to fight it. I am sorry you are dealing with this, as I know all too well how much stress it causes. I hope you can find a solution that will work for you. Come post here when you want to binge, it always helps me.

That's what i tried to tell myself at the end of the night last night. That it's in my control to do something about this. Do i want to stay sick, or do i want to get better? It's up to me. It's like someone who has the flu and won't drink water. I would say to them, do you want to get better or not? My brain hurts and if i want it to get better, i have to control my eating.

Absolutely. What kind of foods are you binging on and who is bringing them into your house? Can that be stopped?

I binged when I was living alone pre-marriage, etc, and I remember that I once binged on an onion - sliced and baked, I once ate an entire carton of egg whites - even during a binge I separated out the yolks :dizzy:, I once ate an entire cucumber, and I definitely have had a disgusting amount of brussels sprouts or cauliflower.

Even though I didn't have foods that were particularly calorie dense, I still hated the feeling of being out of control. I went to OA, but it wasn't until I went through a pregnancy, went through three years of regular therapy, then intensive nutritional/talk therapy with a registered dietitian where I was able to 100% say I've stopped.

I live alone. I have almost no binge foods in my house but i've realized that if i'm in the mood to binge, i WILL go to the store to buy binge foods, so it's futile to try to eliminate ALL dangerous food from my house. Yesterday i ate an ENTIRE "imitation" cheesecake that i made to satisfy my sweet tooth (it's somewhat healthier than real cheesecake, i use sugar substitutes etc.). That was 2000 calories. I made it thinking i'd eat a slice each night to satisfy my sweet tooth. All day, i was thinking about going home to that cake. If i didn't have it there, i probably would have swung by the grocery store on the way home for something.

That's not all i ate. i ate more binge foods later in the evening :(

Is there any chance that you're not eating enough during the day so it causes you to binge at night? I know it goes much deeper than just feelings of hunger, but it's something to explore.

I keep almost all whole foods in my house and really have little need for sugar, etc. Maybe the imitation foods (especially sweets) are fueling an addiction. A lot of people who aren't classified in any eating disorder spectrum have an addiction to sugar which also gets set off by any sweeteners.

Another thought is maybe trying Intermittent Fasting. If you eat the majority of your calories at night, it may work to just fast all day and when you get home from work, all of your day's calories are available.

I do IF. I eat lunch, snack and dinner. That's partly why i am always thinking about food--because i'm soooo hungry in the mornings. I could try going back to eating breakfast, but unless i eat a huge breakfast (at least 700 calories), i will STILL be hungry all morning. I've thought about trying to go the entire day without eating, until dinnertime, but i think that would be even worse. The entire day would be torture. Right now only the mornings are torture.

You know what has worked for my husband and I? We started cooking a full breakfast each night for the following morning--2 slices of bacon, a potato cake, a hard-boiled egg, a little raisin bran, sauteed mushrooms and milk or juice. This comes to about 700 calories. Then I eat only fruit or low-cal salad for lunch, to get me through the midday munchies. Then we eat a normal dinner. For some reason, eating fat, protein, and vitamins C and D (the shrooms) in the morning keeps me from wanting to snack heavily at night. I used to struggle with that, out of stress and boredom.

I recently joined a hiking group that does some hard hikes (10+ miles through difficult terrain), and this has helped, too. It gives me a very long, non-boring workout to do to ease the boredom that can cause me to eat. Do you have any group workouts you can do? Even if it's just a gym yoga class? Or a walking group? Do you own a pet? Having a dog that needs walks (or runs) can fill the hours when you're bored. Your dog will also thank you for the exercise.

It finally dawned on me what has probably been the cause of my depression/failures the last few weeks: doing IF. That's the only thing i can think of...i mean don't get me wrong, i always have problems with both binging and depression, but in the last few weeks it's been a lot worse. Coincidentally i started doing IF several weeks ago. I think it just takes SO MUCH mental energy to NOT eat in the morning, that i'm just sapped of all my willpower at night. I thought IF would be a good thing, but maybe it's not for me. Today i tried eating breakfast again. I think it will be better.

Hi SurferGirl,

I've been following your thread and hoping that things improve for you. Did you find that it helped to eat breakfast today?