nevermind
 

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Maybe he'll find something right away! Maybe you won't have to do without for very long?

Nyx - I'm not so sure that you cannot get PTSD from severe financial situations. I credit many of my food issues to the fact that I was severely poor growing up and we often went without food. I heard recently the fat is "protection" from something - for me, it's protection from starvation. Until recently, I was in such fear that my husband or I would lose our jobs and there would be no food for us. So I ate, and spent money when and where I could.

It's all perception - what's important to you is important to you. You have a right to feel that way, no matter who else feels whatever. I think it's good you recognized and acknowledged your feelings - it will help you deal with them appropriately.

Good luck to you and your husband!

I had a post written about how to deal with living in a less than ideal financial situation, but realized that maybe you just needed to vent. It is good to get that off your chest and vent your frustration. If you want to read what someone who is in a similar situation has to say let me know and I will post what hubby and I do (entertainment, shopping, etc), there are ways to have fun and eat well on a small budget. It really does stink to work so hard and feel like you can't enjoy what you worked for. A big part of it though, is changing your perspective and expectations. Your situation is a lot more common than you might realize. Knowing that you are not alone in this, sometimes helps to allay some of the distress. Most people I know do not go on multiple vacations a year (and they work very stressful jobs). My heart goes out to you, it is very difficult (but not hopeless).

Ok, thanks for clearing that up, I wasn't sure exactly what your situation was. So here is my 2 cents. That is pretty much the boat hubby and I are in, and I understand the desperation and frustration you feel. Not only the feeling that you can't do or buy anything, but also the fear that one little disaster could ruin you. I think it is possible to have at least a mild form of PTSD from living in poverty. And it def. can give you food issues. I grew up fairly poor, and in my family if you didn't eat when there is food, you didn't eat again until the next meal. We had times when we skipped meals because we had no money (we never went whole days without eating). Now I tend to eat too much all at one time, and I get very upset if my husband tries to eat a bite of my food (like a starved animal lol). If you still have health insurance, it might be worthwhile to see a therapist. They can help you work through your anxiety. You also have a few months to save money, get your ducks in a row, maybe move to cheaper apartment, if possible. Your husband should be looking for a new job now, if he isn't already. It's a lot easier to get a job when you already have one. Also, not sure about your state, but in mine there are free career counselors that help with resumes, interviewing, etc at the community college, check with a local workforce solutions office (such as Manpower) for programs offered to those laid off/unemployed. My parents were on UE off and on for three years and they are now getting job offers left and right thanks to the counselors help with resumes and interviews (they keep saying your resume is so impressive). Also, in my state they are giving grants for school for people who have been laid off, including gas money and maintenance on the car to get to and from school. That is what my mom did and she got a job right away when she graduated. Maybe it would be worthwhile for your husband to consider going back to school if that is offered in your state. He may be able to get a better job than he had before. And the fact that you know how to live frugally and have no debt is great! There is a saying (I think it is actually a scripture) “Remember the past, plan for the future, but live for today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.” Basically, you need to plan for the worst, but not let it overwhelm you and control your life, because the worst may not happen.

I know it stinks to feel like you are finally above water, and then to feel like you are going to sink again. In this economy so many very hard working people are in the same boat. I know it isn't much comfort, but realizing that things could always be worse does help some (at least for me). There are so many homeless/starving people in the U.S. I'm not belittling your situation, I just personally find it helpful to think about the many comforts that I do have that so many have to go without. Actually, volunteering to help those less fortunate really helps me to keep my perspective right and not get overwhelmed with self pity.

As far as I understand it, most unemployment is not available for people in school, but I know plenty who take classes and not tell. I have also heard that classes are ok if you stipulate that you will continue to look for work and will quit classes to take a job, if one is offered.

I am very fortunate that when I start counting up all that is wrong with my life (no money, no car, kids live too far to see, no friends, no partner, am terrified about interviewing at this age etc etc etc), I see some person who truly has a hard way to go, young people on campus in wheelchairs, blind students, the homeless guy who rides the bus and must be seriously mentally ill because he wreaks of urine, my schizophrenic neigbor etc, that make me feel like a complete chump for throwing a pity party for myself instead of realizing how amazingly blessed and fortunate a life I have had and continue to have. I hope you aren't offended, but sometimes it helps to count your blessings:hug:

I hear you! My husband and I are both students. I have 3 years left where he has a whopping 8 years to go. My student debt will be about 40K, where as his will near close to 300K. Even though I will be done in 3 years with a BA, my career does not pay well (police work) so even though I will be earning more per year then I ever have, we will still be insanely broke. The last time we went on a vacation was about 3 years ago. Well, actually we went "out of town" for one night last year (to a place about 45 minutes away)... that was our vacation!

It sucks, it truly does. But as gonnadoitthistime said, when compared to how rough other people have it, it makes you appreciate what you do have (even if it is very little). I sometimes (without wanting to) feel angry when I see all my friends having their university paid for and living rent free well I have to go 40k in debt and work 2 jobs while going to school full time just so I can have a roof over my head, but then I realize that my relationship with my parents is much stronger then what my friends have. Even though its hard, try and look for the little things in your life that make you happy.

You have food on the table and a roof over your head and you should be grateful. 1 in 5 children go to bed hungry every day. Many are homeless. Many can afford no vacation and buy clothes in the thrift shops.

I'm a retired wido, get $1531 SS and have to pay $825 of that for my house payment. Another $150 pays for Medicare and my supplement. After I pay utilities there isn't any left over for entertainment or vacations. So I volunteer and help others. I get books and movies from the library. I go for long walks.

Euphy, see if the food bank in your area has the Share program. This is not a welfare program. Anyone can participate by volunteering 2 hours a month. You can get a food package that feeds 4 for a week for $20 when you do. It's a big help.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry that when you posted in a SUPPORT forum you got rude comments and people whining that they actually have it worse than you.

It seems to me that your biggest problem may be the constant working and inability to take a break. Anyone with your schedule would be feeling frustrated and angry and sad. Then to learn that you're working that hard just to stay above water, and you will not be able to use any of the money you are making to relax, that must be really hard.

I don't have any suggestions, I just wanted to let you know I understand why this must be such a hard time for you.

Originally Posted by NyxWriter:
I am completely aware that yes, there are people who have it worse than me. But there are ALWAYS people who have it worse than all of us, so by that theory none of us would ever get to complain. (In which case, this forum would have very few posts.) Personally, I would feel sorry even for someone with, say, billionaire parents who suddenly had to start living a middle-class lifestyle. Just because someone has "enough" to survive does not mean a drop in lifestyle isn't hard.

Good on you for volunteering. That's admirable; many people won't do that even if they're rich and have easy lives. However, I must point out two things:

1. You are retired. You could take a part-time job at your library. You *could* do something about your financial state if you tried. It might take you a year to get that job, but you could do it. (I know all about sticking to one's guns to get a job in this economy. It can be done, even if for a while it takes more work than having a job.)

2. You choose to own a house. You could, in theory, rent a flat somewhere for less than your house payment, and pay far less in utilities.

If you are truly content with no vacations or luxuries, though, more power to you. However, not everyone can be that way. Would you trade your current lifestyle for a wealthier one, if you had the chance?

On a (I guess) happier note, I just realized that we are almost to July--which is when raises are given out. Even if I just get a normal cost-of-living raise, it will at least help add some things like movies, dinners out and maybe a concert or two. I want very badly to go to the San Diego Fair in June, which is relatively cheap and has some great free shows, so I'm hoping we get word about raises. My boss has told me repeatedly how impressed she was by all the extra responsibilities I took on last year. (I ended up having to take over 50% of another coworker's duties and I was almost constantly double-booked for time-sensitive tasks. I did all that AND trained a bunch of new people because no one else could.) I am hoping that praises turns into a little less financial dieting for me...

Fingers crossed for that raise!!!

Originally Posted by NyxWriter:
So, I realize you can't actually get post-traumatic stress disorder from financial difficulties, but I feel like I'm starting to lose it here. I suffered through three long years of poverty, overwork and then unemployment (layoff) before I got my current job. The period of overwork wasn't really better than the UE, because I was putting in days so long I often wouldn't get home until 8-9pm at night but being paid so little that I couldn't do anything but work and come home and cook. Working that hard and having nothing but food and shelter to show for it was horrible. That's how I got fat--all I had was food.

Now I have a very good job. But the hours are still long--10-12 a day on average; 15-16 at worst. And I have a 1-hr commute each way. I often feel very burnt out, and am glad I make good money because at least I can pay for modes of entertainment that don't require too much energy (movies, concerts, mini golf, clothes shopping, etc). The only hobby I have left that money can't buy is writing. Well, all my fun money is going to go straight down the toilet in June, because the store my husband works at will close. He will be on UE--making less than 1/2 his current paycheck. He will still be able to pay his college tuition but his health insurance bill is now going to fall on me. He won't be able to contribute to vacation or food money, either, so I am having to cut us back to a vacation schedule that's practically Spartan compared to what we had before. In other words, one a year, no weekend getaways in between. I am also going to have to put a stop to all unnecessary purchases. No new clothes, no more concerts, a strict budget for movies/eating out.

I know I probably sound whiny to some of you, but I swore that I wouldn't have to live like that again. I'm going to have to go back to work, work, work and very little else. It's SO hard. It makes me feel like I'm the boring fat chick who never has anything interesting to say to anyone because all I do is work. I feel like all I'm good for is bringing home a paycheck. Yes, there's a vacation once a year, but my job is so intense and sleep-depriving that I need more than one to not feel exhausted and burnt out all the time. And being on the all-work-no-play budget is very isolating, too. I learned the first time I was poor how quickly your friends stop calling or even emailing when you can't go out with them or when you have nothing to talk about other than work.

I WANT TO SPEND THE MONEY I MAKE. Is that so much to ask? I feel like the years of poverty are starting all over again. That's how they started before; with me winning the bread completely after my husband lost his job. The one thing I had that I could be proud of--the fact that working harder than everyone I know let me buy nicer things/vacations than they had--is about to disappear. Now my life is going to get small and boring again and I can't do anything but sit here and watch it happen. My husband's job-hunting pre-emptively, of course, but I feel constantly on edge and have started back to crying a lot. I don't feel at all attracted to him right now, which is shallow of me, I know, but I don't know what to do about it. I want to scream at him when he tries to tell me it's going to be alright, because all the responsibility to make it "alright" always ALWAYS falls on me. I am starting to have nightmares again.

You might have a look at DaveRamsey(dot)com. Lot's of folks in financial distress have found help there. Often, you can get his books secondhand on amazon or ebay.

Not sure if it will help, but maye you can look at it day by day. That always helps me when I get terrified of the big bad ugly distant future. Remember, that is not NOW. Yes, do what you can since you've had advance warning. But, if you can't change it, then you have to just get through it. And if you did it before, you have a head start because you already know how. Of course you don't want to. Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other until you can hitch a ride.

You WILL be okay!

Barb

Your honesty is refreshing and honestly most people can't deal with the straight up truth, but it doesn't mean we should hold back - I certainly try to just say whatever and I mean whatever I want to.
I picked my therapist by reputation and that didn't work out so I kept hunting, took me 4-5 tries to get comfy with one; however if you are trying to save your cash you might look into what your local community - they usually have counselors that work on a sliding scale

Oh and don't stick with a guy just because he's the only one willing to be with you if you are fat. I don't know if that's the case or not but time will tell when you are skinny you will notice a change in his attitude toward you.

Has your husband considered applying for a paid internship for summer or the fall semester? Or even seasonal summer employeement since he has retail experience. If he gets a job, great for him and his schooling. If not you have the UE fall back plan

NYX ~ you have a lot of unresolved resentment about expectations that you had for your marriage & life, i.e. your dream wedding; a nice wedding ring/set; bobbles & gifts thay you believe say "your special"; your husband's financial standing; and your lifestyle status, etc.

You say that your husband is a great guy in most respects, and in ways most women would love to have; but you are angry and resentful that he doesn't earn enough money to keep you in the lifestyle that you dreamed for yourself. Now, I realize that you work hard, and pull more than your financial weight in this partnership, but marriage is about good times & bad; and about more than just money & social or lifestyle status.

While your obvious intellect knows this, your heart is saying something completely opposite; and unless you come to terms with your true feelings, things may only get worse in your marriage, not better. Now, I wonder why you married a man that makes less than half of what you earn, when you really wanted one who makes double? Naivete, perhaps?

As for the future, maybe you could sit down with your DH and discuss his long-term career goals; meaning, that you would like him to aim a bit higher, like applying for jobs with higher pay and benefits life health insurance. Now, that may mean a longer wait, but they all take time in a bad econonomy, as you well know.

Plus, I would suggest he continue his education even if that means doing night school, or internet courses becuz that wouldn't interfere with his UE. A higher education can only help his resume. A CPA degree will take some time (maybe even a decade including internship), and a lot of hard work, but it will pay off some day, if you are both patient enough to wait for that.

As for you -- before I would plan a very expensive trip to New Zealand, I would deal with other issues first -- the wedding you didn't get, the wedding band/rings you really want, savings put away for a rainy day, and so forth. Did you share these dreams with your DH? Was he aware of how you really feel about how you expected him to show his feelings to you? If not, it's time you did, but in a more calm & loving way.

And, if you plan on having children some day; you will have to sacrifice all that again for them, or at least part of that. Something to think about, for sure. Plus, I agree that counselling may be very helpful for you to see your way through this difficult time. A counsellor may be able to help you sort out your feelings, set new priorities, make some plans, communicate better with your spouse, and start the healing process ... :hug: