nevermind
 

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Maybe he'll find something right away! Maybe you won't have to do without for very long?

Nyx - I'm not so sure that you cannot get PTSD from severe financial situations. I credit many of my food issues to the fact that I was severely poor growing up and we often went without food. I heard recently the fat is "protection" from something - for me, it's protection from starvation. Until recently, I was in such fear that my husband or I would lose our jobs and there would be no food for us. So I ate, and spent money when and where I could.

It's all perception - what's important to you is important to you. You have a right to feel that way, no matter who else feels whatever. I think it's good you recognized and acknowledged your feelings - it will help you deal with them appropriately.

Good luck to you and your husband!

I had a post written about how to deal with living in a less than ideal financial situation, but realized that maybe you just needed to vent. It is good to get that off your chest and vent your frustration. If you want to read what someone who is in a similar situation has to say let me know and I will post what hubby and I do (entertainment, shopping, etc), there are ways to have fun and eat well on a small budget. It really does stink to work so hard and feel like you can't enjoy what you worked for. A big part of it though, is changing your perspective and expectations. Your situation is a lot more common than you might realize. Knowing that you are not alone in this, sometimes helps to allay some of the distress. Most people I know do not go on multiple vacations a year (and they work very stressful jobs). My heart goes out to you, it is very difficult (but not hopeless).

Ok, thanks for clearing that up, I wasn't sure exactly what your situation was. So here is my 2 cents. That is pretty much the boat hubby and I are in, and I understand the desperation and frustration you feel. Not only the feeling that you can't do or buy anything, but also the fear that one little disaster could ruin you. I think it is possible to have at least a mild form of PTSD from living in poverty. And it def. can give you food issues. I grew up fairly poor, and in my family if you didn't eat when there is food, you didn't eat again until the next meal. We had times when we skipped meals because we had no money (we never went whole days without eating). Now I tend to eat too much all at one time, and I get very upset if my husband tries to eat a bite of my food (like a starved animal lol). If you still have health insurance, it might be worthwhile to see a therapist. They can help you work through your anxiety. You also have a few months to save money, get your ducks in a row, maybe move to cheaper apartment, if possible. Your husband should be looking for a new job now, if he isn't already. It's a lot easier to get a job when you already have one. Also, not sure about your state, but in mine there are free career counselors that help with resumes, interviewing, etc at the community college, check with a local workforce solutions office (such as Manpower) for programs offered to those laid off/unemployed. My parents were on UE off and on for three years and they are now getting job offers left and right thanks to the counselors help with resumes and interviews (they keep saying your resume is so impressive). Also, in my state they are giving grants for school for people who have been laid off, including gas money and maintenance on the car to get to and from school. That is what my mom did and she got a job right away when she graduated. Maybe it would be worthwhile for your husband to consider going back to school if that is offered in your state. He may be able to get a better job than he had before. And the fact that you know how to live frugally and have no debt is great! There is a saying (I think it is actually a scripture) “Remember the past, plan for the future, but live for today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.” Basically, you need to plan for the worst, but not let it overwhelm you and control your life, because the worst may not happen.

I know it stinks to feel like you are finally above water, and then to feel like you are going to sink again. In this economy so many very hard working people are in the same boat. I know it isn't much comfort, but realizing that things could always be worse does help some (at least for me). There are so many homeless/starving people in the U.S. I'm not belittling your situation, I just personally find it helpful to think about the many comforts that I do have that so many have to go without. Actually, volunteering to help those less fortunate really helps me to keep my perspective right and not get overwhelmed with self pity.

As far as I understand it, most unemployment is not available for people in school, but I know plenty who take classes and not tell. I have also heard that classes are ok if you stipulate that you will continue to look for work and will quit classes to take a job, if one is offered.

I am very fortunate that when I start counting up all that is wrong with my life (no money, no car, kids live too far to see, no friends, no partner, am terrified about interviewing at this age etc etc etc), I see some person who truly has a hard way to go, young people on campus in wheelchairs, blind students, the homeless guy who rides the bus and must be seriously mentally ill because he wreaks of urine, my schizophrenic neigbor etc, that make me feel like a complete chump for throwing a pity party for myself instead of realizing how amazingly blessed and fortunate a life I have had and continue to have. I hope you aren't offended, but sometimes it helps to count your blessings:hug:

I hear you! My husband and I are both students. I have 3 years left where he has a whopping 8 years to go. My student debt will be about 40K, where as his will near close to 300K. Even though I will be done in 3 years with a BA, my career does not pay well (police work) so even though I will be earning more per year then I ever have, we will still be insanely broke. The last time we went on a vacation was about 3 years ago. Well, actually we went "out of town" for one night last year (to a place about 45 minutes away)... that was our vacation!

It sucks, it truly does. But as gonnadoitthistime said, when compared to how rough other people have it, it makes you appreciate what you do have (even if it is very little). I sometimes (without wanting to) feel angry when I see all my friends having their university paid for and living rent free well I have to go 40k in debt and work 2 jobs while going to school full time just so I can have a roof over my head, but then I realize that my relationship with my parents is much stronger then what my friends have. Even though its hard, try and look for the little things in your life that make you happy.

You have food on the table and a roof over your head and you should be grateful. 1 in 5 children go to bed hungry every day. Many are homeless. Many can afford no vacation and buy clothes in the thrift shops.

I'm a retired wido, get $1531 SS and have to pay $825 of that for my house payment. Another $150 pays for Medicare and my supplement. After I pay utilities there isn't any left over for entertainment or vacations. So I volunteer and help others. I get books and movies from the library. I go for long walks.

Euphy, see if the food bank in your area has the Share program. This is not a welfare program. Anyone can participate by volunteering 2 hours a month. You can get a food package that feeds 4 for a week for $20 when you do. It's a big help.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry that when you posted in a SUPPORT forum you got rude comments and people whining that they actually have it worse than you.

It seems to me that your biggest problem may be the constant working and inability to take a break. Anyone with your schedule would be feeling frustrated and angry and sad. Then to learn that you're working that hard just to stay above water, and you will not be able to use any of the money you are making to relax, that must be really hard.

I don't have any suggestions, I just wanted to let you know I understand why this must be such a hard time for you.

Fingers crossed for that raise!!!

You might have a look at DaveRamsey(dot)com. Lot's of folks in financial distress have found help there. Often, you can get his books secondhand on amazon or ebay.

Not sure if it will help, but maye you can look at it day by day. That always helps me when I get terrified of the big bad ugly distant future. Remember, that is not NOW. Yes, do what you can since you've had advance warning. But, if you can't change it, then you have to just get through it. And if you did it before, you have a head start because you already know how. Of course you don't want to. Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other until you can hitch a ride.

You WILL be okay!

Barb

Your honesty is refreshing and honestly most people can't deal with the straight up truth, but it doesn't mean we should hold back - I certainly try to just say whatever and I mean whatever I want to.
I picked my therapist by reputation and that didn't work out so I kept hunting, took me 4-5 tries to get comfy with one; however if you are trying to save your cash you might look into what your local community - they usually have counselors that work on a sliding scale

Oh and don't stick with a guy just because he's the only one willing to be with you if you are fat. I don't know if that's the case or not but time will tell when you are skinny you will notice a change in his attitude toward you.

Has your husband considered applying for a paid internship for summer or the fall semester? Or even seasonal summer employeement since he has retail experience. If he gets a job, great for him and his schooling. If not you have the UE fall back plan

NYX ~ you have a lot of unresolved resentment about expectations that you had for your marriage & life, i.e. your dream wedding; a nice wedding ring/set; bobbles & gifts thay you believe say "your special"; your husband's financial standing; and your lifestyle status, etc.

You say that your husband is a great guy in most respects, and in ways most women would love to have; but you are angry and resentful that he doesn't earn enough money to keep you in the lifestyle that you dreamed for yourself. Now, I realize that you work hard, and pull more than your financial weight in this partnership, but marriage is about good times & bad; and about more than just money & social or lifestyle status.

While your obvious intellect knows this, your heart is saying something completely opposite; and unless you come to terms with your true feelings, things may only get worse in your marriage, not better. Now, I wonder why you married a man that makes less than half of what you earn, when you really wanted one who makes double? Naivete, perhaps?

As for the future, maybe you could sit down with your DH and discuss his long-term career goals; meaning, that you would like him to aim a bit higher, like applying for jobs with higher pay and benefits life health insurance. Now, that may mean a longer wait, but they all take time in a bad econonomy, as you well know.

Plus, I would suggest he continue his education even if that means doing night school, or internet courses becuz that wouldn't interfere with his UE. A higher education can only help his resume. A CPA degree will take some time (maybe even a decade including internship), and a lot of hard work, but it will pay off some day, if you are both patient enough to wait for that.

As for you -- before I would plan a very expensive trip to New Zealand, I would deal with other issues first -- the wedding you didn't get, the wedding band/rings you really want, savings put away for a rainy day, and so forth. Did you share these dreams with your DH? Was he aware of how you really feel about how you expected him to show his feelings to you? If not, it's time you did, but in a more calm & loving way.

And, if you plan on having children some day; you will have to sacrifice all that again for them, or at least part of that. Something to think about, for sure. Plus, I agree that counselling may be very helpful for you to see your way through this difficult time. A counsellor may be able to help you sort out your feelings, set new priorities, make some plans, communicate better with your spouse, and start the healing process ... :hug:

I don't want to sound harsh... but you say you have a decent job. That doesn't sound like poverty.

We're currently supporting two households on a military salary. One of those households is in Tokyo! It's not easy, sometimes... but we make ends meet with money to spare. I'd never describe myself as "in poverty." I left a great paying job, in Japan, last March to get my kids to a safe place. Do I miss the spending money sometimes? Yeah... But I've dived headlong into school and bettering myself. I may have forfeited my ability to collect UE, but I'm giving myself something a million times better.

Experiences, love, learning and growing... all worth more than THINGS.

Ok, well, since you're better than everyone you'll do just fine.

My perspective has just changed after watching thousands of people, in the country I lived, lose everything they had. They still can't go home. I still can't go home.

I guess I was just trying to say, focus on the things you have that are great. You have a family that loves you, your health, a job... a lot of people can't say that.

I'm sorry that you feel you have PTSD. I evacuated my kids from a country experiencing a nuclear meltdown and 20+ earthquakes a day. It can be overcome.

Focus on the good things. The rest doesn't matter.

Yes well, we could only respond to the information that was there, not what you added now. It was the way you wrote it that gave us those impressions. I'm glad you cleared some of that up. No, I think your husband sounds fine; it isn't his fault the US has such a bad economy at this time. Many people suffer misfortune, trust me. We've been there -- more than once; and we've rebounded, and so can you.

The important thing for you, is how you react to all this; how you handle it. Yes, the counselling idea was for you (not your husband). See, already you are thinking clearer. I'm sure in time, with some counselling you will feel better. :D

FWIW, I don't think you sound materialistic. You can't help feeling disappointed. There's nothing wrong with how you feel. I think I can relate in a lot of ways to what you are saying. DH works full-time and he had a small business before we got married. The small business just went under after being open more than 10 years. I have some resentment because for one thing, I asked him not to open a second store when I was pregnant with our first baby, but he did anyway. He ended up closing that store years ago, and his original store absorbed the stock from the second. Now he has to store the stuff from both stores, which means it's eating up space in our garage and he's paying for a storage unit. That's just minor compared to the personal debt he has incurred which will most definitely affect our entire family. Not to mention all the time away, how I'm stuck watching all 3 kids from morning until night all weekend, even though I also work full time and I never get a break.

I'm not trying to compare my situation to yours, I'm just saying I can relate. Because I feel like it's wrong to be resentful that this has all happened. I knew he had the business when we got married, so what right do I have to be mad that it's gone under? (And it was never profitable so it's not like I married him for the money!) But things did change over the years. We didn't have 3 kids to support at the time.

And I know exactly what you mean about being concerned about the jewelry. I am lucky if I get my engagement ring on in the morning. I don't care about having a lot of jewelry. We don't really exchange gifts for birthdays or Christmas and that works for us. But every now and then, like when my sister gets something sparkly, I feel a pang. I know it is unreasonable but like I said, I can't help it, it's how I feel. Not a deal breaker at all but still, it would be nice if we had the money to spoil each other a little more.

NYX ~ my DH & I were talking about your situation last night; and were discussing just how similar our situation was to yours (and even worse, actually). Both us were trying to count the number of times we were laid off in the 80's & 90's when our country was hit with two horrible recessions in a row (we also had a third one this last decade as well).

Both of us had to go back home and live with our parents for a short time at least once or twice; and we had to sell our home so that we wouldn't lose it. We were homeless more than once. We ended up living in our truck & a tent, and all the possessions that we didn't have to sell, we carried in a trailer for a summer while we looked for work.

When a prospective employer asked me why I was laid off; I told them the truth -- all layoffs were based on "seniority"; and one place just closed down and moved somewhere else. Just like you & your DH, we were "victims of circumstance". It wasn't personal -- just remembering that helped us not blame ourselves for something that was beyond our control, and helped us to move forward.

So can we relate? You betcha! That is why I responded to your post in the first place. I didn't say you were materialistic; that word isn't even in my post. Like Val, I want to encourage you to focus on what good you still have -- a good paying job with benefits, a home/apt with furniture, food & clothing, good health, good minds, a loving family, and a promise of a better future.

We didn't have a big wedding either -- just two friends as witnesses & a nice, quiet dinner afterward; and we only bought a wedding band, which doesn't fit since I lost weight, but we are going to buy a new one when I find the one that I really want. We have no debt; and just bought another home last year.

It's too bad that California has that regressive law about not taking courses while on UE; I don't see how that helps people in any way. Maybe it's time they changed that policy. With more education, people will be able to find work and get off the dole. Seems they are hindering people, not helping them. Maybe you should write a letter to Arnold, if he's still the governor ... :lol:

I also went back to school for a second time (I had already taken social work the first time), and took a business course to help me get another job. Here, our government allowed people to go to school while on UE; and I'm glad they did. They even had special education programs for the unemployed.

Over the last three decades, recessions have caused massive layoffs, downsizings, and closures -- so employers acting snooty are just ignorant of the facts; and maybe you wouldn't really want to work for someone like that anyways.

I really believe that in time, your DH will find something; but we have to realize that we no longer live in a secure society where life-long careers are the norm. Many of us have and will end up changing our jobs more than once; and some of us many, many times -- so putting money away in savings is a good idea, just in case.

Yes, it was discouraging; yes, it was disappointing, but our faith in GOD kept us going. I believed in myself -- I was intelligent, skilled, experienced, and a very hard worker; and, I knew that things would get better eventually. We rebounded, more than once; and so can you and your DH.

In the meanwhile, "Play down the negative, and Pray up the positive!" And, remember ... "It's not Personal!" Millions of people between Canada and the US have been laid-off over the last three decades. We can learn from these experiences, and we can learn from each other too. :)