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My mom wants me FAT!!!! (Complex mental issues)
Hello,
I am new here and I just joined a couple of days ago. I just feel like my mom wants me to be fat. I know it sounds strange or ironic, but after multiple things that I notice about her, I've come to this conclusion. When I eat a meal, I am already tempted to binge eat (I have two eating disorders. Binge eating/bulimia) and I tell myself to stop. Then my mom will come over and say "here is more food for you to eat." I tell her that I'm full, but she continues to give me more food. She does this 80% of the time. I'm not blaming her for my obesity, but it probably has something to do with how I view food. I dont know if this is the reason behind why she is doing this or thinks that giving me food after I'm full is good, but there is some motive. I tell her all the time that I dont want the food, and she insists that I eat when I'm full. One time she said "Oh, you want to be skinny like those women on TV." I told her "No, I'm just not hungry." and she said " Well, then go ahead and eat this food." I feel so guilty after giving in to her requests, but I just keep letting her do this to me. I just want to keep the peace and not argue with her. I am 24 btw, and I think she is doing this so that I wont ever have a man be attracted to me. I am an only child and we live together, so its just me and her. She always talks about how men are not good and how they will be a bad influence on me. So I think she wants me fat to protect me from bad experiences with men. Furthermore, she doesnt have to worry about me having boyfriends because I've reached the size where I am completely invisible. I really want gastric bypass surgery and I think that its the only way that I can escape from this **** I am in. With each pound I gain, I feel like a piece of my life is slipping away. I think about food all the time. I think about whether I should eat it and throw it up afterwards because gaining another pound feels like Ive lost and failed again. I really want to be skinny because at least I wont have to worry so much. I worry about everything. I worry about whether people are looking at me and if I can fit in a seat. Its very stressful. My mom is tricky. I love her, but Im not sure why she tells me that I should lose weight, but then the next she tells me that I need to eat when Im full. I am just so confused about my life. My life is very stagnant. I cant have normal relationships because of my weight. People try to be polite, but they really dont want anything to do with me because I'm of size. I have only one friend who I can talk to. I have a lot of guy acquaintances, but they see me as "one of the guys". Sometimes I do feel like a "man" on the outside because thats what guys treat me like. I just feel like because Im over the weight limit, I will never be able to experience love. I am in a very bad situation because I want to lose weight, but I cant get the motivation to loose it. I dont have the strength, the will, or the power to conquer it. I have no support. I have no one who understands me and what its like to be an obese college student. Everyone is skinny and they dont have to live like I do. Its very hard to write this down, because these are deep secrets that I never share with anyone!!! I tried going to the gym about 6 months ago, and it was the most horrible experience ever. You would think that a gym would be filled with fat women and men. But it was the total opposite. All the people there were very skinny. I felt like I was about to get attacked and I felt ashamed because I was not smaller. I know that the gym is a good place, but I felt so horrible and I almost got sick because of the stares I was getting. Its hard for me to deal with my emotions because this weight has torn me down to shreds. Sometimes I dont even know who I am anymore. I feel like everyday I mask myself until the point where I loose my identity. I feel like if I dont get skinny or at least within the weight limit, that I will never be happy. Because in the back of my mind, I will always blame my size on missed opportunities, and the reason why something didnt work out. |
I'm going to start from the bottom of the post and work my way up. Try a different gym! Each gym caters to a different crowd and has a different vibe. Some are full of athletes where others are full of everyday and over weight individuals.
I am also a university student, and you are correct that the obesity numbers in university/college are very little. Most students are either of normal weight or just slightly over weight. Since you are in school, you should have access to a councilor. I suggest meeting with one to talk about feeling like you have no support. They are great outlets and will most likely know of different workshops or groups in the area made up of people suffering from the same issues as you. A councilor would also help you work through your feelings toward your mother. Surgery won't make everything better. It won't make your mother stop offering you food, it won't stop the belima. You need to work through the personal issues before you seek surgical help with this issue. You are 24 years old. You need to learn how to say NO. She is your mother, but not your owner. She isn't literally shoving the food down your throat. You need to say "Im not hungry" and WALK AWAY. Go brush your teeth! Nothing ever tastes good after brushing your teeth. Go for a walk if she won't stop. Does she know about your belima? If not, come clean and maybe she will stop trying to pressure you into eating more. You are right about her not wanting to let you go. She seems very emotionally attached to you, but you can not let her ruin your life. If she won't stop, and if you can't find the power to walk away, is there another relative you can move in with until you overcome your eating habits? |
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I cant live with family, because I dont have any. Also, I cant tell anyone because they are very judgemental and they dont believe bulimia is an actual disorder. So there is no one. I have to do it alone. I am never going back to a gym until I get skinny. I am planning on saving for a treadmill in my home, thats where I feel most comfortable. |
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Since you have already tried talking to someone in real life, then coming to this site was a great idea! It is an extremely active community filled with women/men from all walks of life. Whenever I am struggling with something, this is usually my first place (I have a good support system between my husband and best friend, but I can't talk to people in real life. I have some mental issue with showing weakness and opening up to people I actually know, but I am an open-book to online folk lol!) Have you sat down to talk to your mom about this? Like a completely serious heart to heart, not just a "mom, I dont want any food, please stop asking" kind of thing? If so and she still has not listened, then I really suggest leaving the house for a walk or going into a different room. It is hard to stand up to our parents sometimes, but eventually you are the one being effected by it and it is causing you to not be happy with your life. Which is worse, pissing mom off a little bit or continuing to feel the way you do now? If you are serious about this weight loss and wanting to change your life, you need to put your foot down. Its not always easy, but its not easy being over weight and hating your life either. Is there anyway you could always cook for yourself? I live with 5 people (mom, dad, brother, husband and myself.....long story), and my mother always cooks really unhealthy food. When I moved back home, I LOVED having home cooked meals everyday, and then I went "holy crap I can't eat this every night". I now buy and cook all of my own food so I am able to modify it to suit my dietary needs. If you can cook your own food, you will have the ability to cook only one serving and/or you will be eating at different times then your mother so she will not be able to tell you to eat more. |
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Yeah, I rather not tell her, its easier that way. Because the way my family is its best for me to keep it to myself. Id rather steer away from that route. I walk mostly everyday when going to Uni, but I rather not go outside for exercise until I get thinner. For now, the treadmill in my home is the best option for me because my anxiety levels are down. |
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I really feel for your situation!! My mom is a major food pusher too. I have gotten much better at saying "no"like and I basically told her if she needs to give me food (it makes her feel good-she buys me stuff I don't ask for but I like) I told her to only buy me fruit as a treat if she wants to get me something. She still constantly tries to get me to eat more than I want or need but I have learned to walk away. I go do something else... it makes dieting so much harder.
As far as being uncomfortable in the gym, I know what you mean. All those perfect people love to stare at the out of shape... I do get self conscious and have to tell myself to remember that I am there for ME not to impress anyone else. I haven't been to the gym in 2 months since school started so either tomorrow or Friday will be my first day back and I am looking forward to the rush swimming gives me :) I maybe if you could try to work on caring less about what other people think it will help, that takes time though. as far as the dietician and counselor- you need to find someone new. Just because they are educated doesn't mean they are good at what they do. Something else someone on here suggested when I posted about my mom sabotaging me- if she tries to force food on you and won't take no for an answer, take the food and pour bleach on it then thros it in the trash-try to get the point across. I wish you luck. |
My heart goes out to you! Is it possible that your mom doesn't have some ugly motive, but perhaps shows her love by feeding you way too much? Is there a regular MD kinda doctor at your school? Sometimes just a general practice person can be more help than a whole pile of "specialists". If the first one doesn't help, find another and another until someone listens to you!
I am old ;-) and it doesn't really matter what ppl think of me when I am exercising anymore. Mostly they are supportive, which is a LOT different than if I was 24. Nonetheless, I would not be caught dead in a gym, any gym, anywhere! There are a lot of other ways to get exercise. My way is walking and hiking, mostly, though I do like to ride a bicycle as often as I can. I hope it is encouraging to you if I tell you about when I first started trying to lose 93 lbs., February 20, 2010. I couldn't even walk around a single block without a rest. Since I have to live in a real world, and I'm not rich enough to buy special foods or join weight loss programs, I decided to count calories. And to figure out how to eat as much food as I can without too much crap and garbage junk food. More whole foods, like brown rice instead of white, or beans instead of potatoes. Very little fat, and good fat when I have it. Gobs and gobs of spinach for bulk so I feel full. Anyhow, when I first started, I would go around the block each time I felt like I wanted to eat some junk food. By the time I made it around, like 1/2 hour, 45 minutes later maybe even longer...I was usually not thinking about food, just huffing and puffing and wanting a glass of water! It took a while, but eventually, I walked around without a struggle. Then two blocks. Then further. Then on very short hikes w/my hubs and now I can do 5 hours of hiking up and down some pretty steep hills in the mtns where we live. It didn't happen overnight, though. The good news is that it's free to just walk and you don't have to use anyone else's standards. You can walk as much or as little as you want. My only rule once I started was to never ever do less on the same trail. Each time had to be as long as or longer than the time before, 'cause I know if I can do it once, I can do it twice or more ;-) Oh, I meant to ask if your Mom is overweight? A lot of times, families seem to encourage the same bad habits with each other. Maybe she needs you to reassure her that you will still love her when you are fit and thinner? Maybe she would like to walk and talk with you? Anyhow, welcome to 3FC and know that you are in a great place to get ideas and support and encouragement. Barb If you don't want to go outside, you might try using one of the Leslie Sansone videos. They are called "Walk Away the Pounds at Home" and you can again go at your own pace. You can get a dvd at Walmart for around $10. That's how I "walk" when the weather is too bad to go outside. |
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Sometimes those closest to us sabotage our efforts. My mom lives an ocean away, but I know she likes it when I'm fatter than her and has even sabotaged my efforts to quit smoking. Sometimes you need to point out her behaviour and tell her what effect it's having on you - she may not know or realise!
But sometimes you have to accept that even those who are supposed to love you don't treat you as well as they should. But it also sounds to me like you're putting up obstacles to your progress and blaming others. Doctors aren't sympathetic. Your mom is sabotaging. The people at the gym are staring. I don't know what your gym is like and every gym has a different culture, but the ones I go to people are mainly concerned with their own workouts. I'm quite heavy and I love the gym. Yeah, of course I get self-conscious from time to time. And yes there are some people in the world who are really rude. But their opinions matter less than YOUR goals and you taking care of yourself. |
Good afternoon and hugs to you!
I hope you will be kind to yourself! I am of the opinion that every body and I do mean every body has that same nagging, awful, insecure little voice in their head no matter what their size is. I also think that if you are stalled and feeling like you don't know where to start - start small. Baby steps. There are so many kind-hearted and knowledgeable people on this website that surely there are ideas and suggestions you will be able to use. |
I have 17 years of disordered eating behind me.
The problem was I didn't plan so I felt guilty every time I ate. I had no idea what a real portion was or what or how much I should be eating. Despite knowing what foods were "healthy" I would go to the extreme. Weight loss and health don't need to be so black and white. I love to eat. I love to eat so much, but I know that I can't because it will make me unhealthy and get me further from my goals. So I plan to make myself succeed. I plan out my entire day and stick with it. At the beginning each day may be a struggle, but eventually it gets easier. Since I like to eat so much, I plan for my day to have 3 meals/3 snacks and at the beginning, I had it planned out to a "T." I knew what time, what, and how much of each meal I would be eating the following day. Having so many meal times means that I am satisfied (not full) at the end of each one, and I already know that I've already planned to be eating something in a few hours. I recommend home videos if you're really anxious about working out in front of others. A good beginner series is Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds. It's do-able every single day, but even if you can't - one day is better than none! :hug: Keep trying to find a therapist who you trust and who you click with. There is nothing better than being able to release some of that pressure. |
hi - you can see my stats off at the side and i've been bigger.
about the gym: i went to a chi-chi-foo-foo where women literally put on makeup to go work out. i used to rage at them inside my head and had nothing but contempt. one woman, in particular, drove me MAD. she would loll around on the treadmill forEVER (even though there was a 30min time limit). her hair was all "did", she had on big fake lashes, she wore gold and purple eyeshadow to match her gold and purple nails and her gold and purple spandex. she was a very large black lady and she'd just saunter along forever and EVER yakking away to her friends on the next station. id' be peeking over every 5min thinking "@#$@#Q$#!@$!@#$@#$ I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!! I AM LATE!!!!" and yet when i complained to the staff, they never told her to get off - they just bumped someone else so i could get my time in before i had to run for work. one day, my shift was unexpectedly cancelled bec the drive shafts didn't pass inspection so the line was down. i was, on the one hand, happy for a day off but, on the other hand, ticked that i was losing money. so i went did a bit of this and a bit of that and showed up at the gym later than usual. i went into the change room and this lady - Queen Latifah wannabe (what i had mentally dubbed her) - came out of the shower. she had no hair. she had no eyebrows. she had no eyelashes. she had no breasts. so yeah - colour me "lesson learned" about presuming to know what other ppl at the gym are thinking. on other occasions, i've been convinced that guys were staring at me to mock or sneer. more than once, he would come over and say "i've been watching you and i wanted you to know that i'm impressed by your dedication - it's really showing results". i've thought women were snickering - only to have one come up and say "i used to be your size - keep at it, it's totally worth it". never think that ppl at the gym are sneering at you bec they're small - what you see today is not the sum of their history just like what someone sees when they look at you months and years down the road won't be your total story. and yes: you ARE putting obstacles in your own path. i run into that all the time with my mother - she says "help me, i need to lose weight" but everything i suggest, she has a reason why it won't work. the only reason nothing works is because you are following the script written for you by your mother. you have all kinds of excuses why this didn't work, that didn't work, the other didn't work - but that's all they are: excuses. even the surgery won't help - the surgery, when all is cut and stitched, is nothing more than a forced method of calorie counting. you have vomiting issues so you're more likely than most to end up needing emergency treatment. and the recidivism rate for gastric surgery is dreadful. you want to revamp your body and your life - you're going to have to start by vacuuming all the dust bunnies of bad habits and negative thinking from the inside of your skull. for that, you need to find a counsellor you click with - just because someone is "A" counsellor doesn't mean they will be "YOUR" counsellor. you need to find the one that will tell you truths you don't want to hear but who you respect enough to listen to them regardless. as long as you have this negative pattern of thinking, you'll just spin your wheels. as for your mother, there's a saying by a great lady, Eleanor Roosevelt (not "Rigby" like i was about to type, sigh): "No one can make you feel bad without your consent". just to add: take a look at my profile picture. i am NOT the one wearing the shades, lol. the lady to the left of me wearing black and cheering her head off is melissa - she took first place (i took third). she's in the army. the entire competition was like that - NO bad-mouthing or backbiting allowed, you get bounced from the competition for negativity. we all cheered our butts off, even for the girl who came in last, built like a newborn colt, must've weighed 15lbs soaking wet. she tried so hard to get those tires off the ground she literally collapsed and needed oxygen support. not one breath of "why are you up there" or "wasting time" or anything like that - from all competitors and spectators, it was "go! go! you can do it!" and so on. |
You don't want to go to the gym. You don't want to talk to a doctor. You don't want to talk to a counselor. You don't want to talk to the dietician.
You din't want to diet.You can't say no to your mother when she pushes food on you. How are you going to lose weight ? |
I dont know whats going on, but I feel attacked on this forum. I dont know why everyone is so angry at me. All I did was voice my concerns about my health and vent about my life. This is the most unsupportive site I have ever been on. I thought that everyone would at least be able to relate to my situation. People seem to think that Im making excuses, but I am not. I am just writing down my experiences and what Ive been dealing with.
To those who were trying to be kind and supportive. Thank You. But to the rest who dont understand what its like or try to be judgemental against me because Im not skinny. Im not surprised. It just seems like when people lose weight they become very cut-throat and judgemental. They think that because they lost the weight that others must not be working hard enough or that they have the right to look down on them. This is what discourages me even more from losing weight. I never want to become someone who makes others feel inferior because they are facing mental/emotional issues and the weight is their output. Whenever I lose the weight, I will never make people feel like this. I would encourage them, but not make them feel like a failure or abnormal. This is wrong and should never be a way to shame people into losing weight. It saddens me that people who are suppose to be supportive and kind are just as mean as the shallow slim people out in the world. I will never post on this forum again. |
Well, you vented. I hope you feel better for the vent. :hug:
Since you did not state what sort of support you are looking for clearly, people are just winging it then. You will get a mixed bag. People are asking questions and I think they honestly are trying to understand and help. But I have to confess I was wondering too.... what kind of support do you need? You didn't state. My suggestion was going to be -- now that you have listed all the obstacles -- finish the list. What do you have going FOR you? What are you willing to do besides exercise alone? ex: hiking) and if that's it for now, that's fine. How will do use this to your advantage? And if mom gives you extra food, what about saying "Thanks! I'll have it later!" and just putting it away in the fridge? Then you aren't rejecting her but aren't having to be eating past full either? I see you don't want to tell her about the eating disorder at this point. I hope you feel better for the vent though. A. |
nobody was attacking you - this is what i meant by finding someone who can tell you the things you don't want to hear in a way you can accept.
if "everybody" is telling you the same thing (and you're going to get the exact same mix of reactions on every forum you try), you have to consider that it's probably the truth you've been avoiding. being "supportive" does not include patting your hand and agreeing with everything you say because clearly your current thinking pattern and lifestyle is not working for you. |
I'm not attacking you in any way, I'm slightly overweight myself and I know how it's like to be sensitive about your body image, I struggle with those issues myself, but you need to be strong if you want to get any results. Also, there are a few points I's like to make.
You have to understand you are in control of your own life and also, you shouldn't be so sensitive and care so much about what other people think (I know it's easier said than done, but you have put some effort if you want to see results). I know it can be hard to go to a gym where everyone is skinny and looking fit, but this is not a reason not to go anymore. If anything, it should motivate you to get that thin. Don't simply assume people are staring at you because of your weight, it's a gym, you'd expect overweight people to be there. In my opinion, they were just looking at you because you were new. I know the gym I go at is pretty small, we all have gotten to know one another's faces and recognize each other, so when someone new joins in, we notice. You seem to believe nobody wants to help you, doctors are mean, dietitian was mean, I don't know the whole story, but I refuse to think they all have a personal grudge against you. Perhaps you're just oversensitive and misunderstand what they're trying to tell you. You say your dietitian got mad because "you weren't losing weight fast enough". Perhaps you weren't following their advice. Anyway, why give up? Go to a different doctor, a different counselor, find one that can help you. If you give up on yourself, how do you expect others to help you? As for your mother, she may indeed just be overprotective and perhaps she's just afraid you'll become obsessed with losing weight and get sick. But you control you own actions, it's not like she ties you up to a chair and forces food on you. I'm sorry if this is perceived as an "attack", I genuinely want to help you and whenever you are ready to receive support, you'll definitely find it on this forum. |
Only YOU can control your happiness.
Nobody else can do that for you. If you keep putting your eggs in other people's baskets you will always be disappointed. You came here looking for support, and you got TONS. Nobody is attacking you. Most of us have been right where you are. You're lashing out at people who have been successful and that's not fair. You're being just as judgemental of "skinny" people as you say they're being of you. Just remember, that everyone else is fighting their own battles. Even the tiny fit girls at the gym are wayyy more preoccupied with their own issues, than they are concerned with staring at you. That's true for everything. I have to remind myself a LOT. You will be successful... but only if you take control of your own life and stop making excuses based on other people's behavior. You can't control them, so don't let them control you!!! Hang in there... it's worth it! Do something positive today, something that makes you smile. Be kind to yourself because you deserve that! |
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And the thing is that nothing is going to change until your attitude does. You need to ask yourself a few questions:
Life is unfair. I know I've had plenty of mean, hurtful, indifferent people in my life, and have had plenty happen to me that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But I eventually realized that I'm in charge of the choices I make, not the people around me. You've come to the right place, if you're willing to put your defenses down and listen. The people here trying to help are also the same people that have gone through so many ups and downs with the mental as well as physical issues of battling with weight. We may all be at a different point, but we've all been in the very same place as you: the beginning. And many of us recognize the stages of denial you're in because we've experienced them ourselves first-hand. If you think it's harsh for anyone to ask you how to expect to lose weight if you don't diet, don't work out, and keep on taking second helpings from Mom . . . well, you've got a few things to figure out for yourself. Just don't let your insecurities make you lash out to those that are trying to help you. |
Forgottenqueen,
Your mom may be thinking, feeding you is the only way to express love. But, have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her doctor has told you, if you do not lose weight, you may have heart attack. If possible, fake heartache. I know, it is not fair, but if that is only way she is going to understand, then let her have it. You are only 24, if you follow diet you will be normal weight within a year. Just make some changes. Start drinking 3 to 4 glasses of warm water with 1/4 th lime first thing in morning. Then eat break fast 1 egg, 3 egg white, 1 fruit, 1 cup of cooked oats in water. You can use 1-2 tsp of olive oil to cook your entire braeakfast. In addition you can put as much as veges in your eggs. After 2 hours have low fat sugar free yogurt. Do only these changes to start And see results after 1 week. I bet, you will lose at least 3 lbs/week. Then i will what to do next. I am older than your mother, treat me as your mother. |
I can relate. I kinda agree maybe you shouldn't tell your mom about your eating disorders. She may say things to make you feel bad,.. but only you know if it's a good idea or not. Maybe you can checkout some self help books at the library and learn some ways to cope with the eating disorder. I'm sorry your school won't help you with the eating disorder. If you are up to it, I would keep trying and make some calls or write to whoever runs the programs for the eating disorders. I know it is sometimes hard to get that type of help and you have to push a little before they open the doors.
Is there any chance your mom might have some mental illness? Maybe she doesn't see you as fat. Maybe she sees the food you eat as too little. Who knows? The reason I ask is because my mom is a food pusher but also suffers from mental illness so any trying to reason with her just goes out the window. It's something I really struggle with accepting and trying not to get angry when she pushes food on me. I leave the room or go out for a walk. Take a few deeps breaths. Refocus on my goal. I try to do yoga a few days a week to calm my mind and it helps. Other posters already gave some good suggestion on saying no or put the food away and say you'll eat it later. If it doesn't work then just leave the room or go out..it might cause some tension but you just have to decide what is more important, losing the weight and having a better future for yourself in exchange for a little disagreement with your mom or sit there and eat the food to make your mom happy for the moment. |
Everyone here as put there two cents in and I think has given you a wealth of information and support.
I want to add that you should really find a counselor—not for your eating disorder but for your perception of self. You seem to think that all of your problems will disappear when you are "skinny." They won't. Being thin isn't a panacea for your problems and can bring up a whole host of new ones. Weight loss is as much mental as it is physical and I believe one must be healthy mentally in order to be successful in losing and maintaining weight. You don't magically become that person you've always wanted just because your jean size is in the single digits. |
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Just wanted to say welcome and send a :hug:
You've had some great advice here - most of us have, and still do, struggle with insecurities and other issues. The only person who can take that first step of the journey is you - I have a pic on my wall that says "If you want something badly enough, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find excuses." I look at that whenever I start questioning things to remind myself why I started this. Best of luck and please come back and post - this really is a very helpful forum! :) |
I hope you get to read this.
I'm an obese college student, I weigh a similar amount, and I'm 23. We already have a fair bit in common! To be blunt with you, your mom sounds like an enabler. There could be many reasons why she's doing this, but the fact of the matter is, you cannot allow her to do this to you anymore. I'm not suggesting that it's all your mother's fault you're overweight, but she's certainly not helping the situation by being unsupportive and even downright sabotaging. You need to take matters into your own hands immediately. I don't know what your relationship with your mother is like so this may be difficult, but you need to say no to her and have it mean something. Stop accepting food from her, even if it hurts her feelings. You need to take back control of your own life. Your choices now dictate the future you will have. Please PM me if you want to chat or feel like you need some extra support. I understand your concerns about going to the gym -- at the moment your self-esteem is obviously very low -- but there's other things you can do besides gymming it. I don't use a gym. I want to later down the track, but I just started small by doing half-hour walks, usually just after sundown (it's the Vampire Method - no one will bother you!). Do this every day if you can, just to get your fitness level up. You'll be surprised by how quickly this happens and how much better you'll feel. Again, if you want to talk just PM me. I'll always be here to listen. I hope things work out for you. :) |
Well I came across this posting just by a mistake as I normally just post under the diet I am doing but I have to put my two cents in here. First NO ONE IS ATTACKING you, they are giving you suggestions and tips- this is what support groups like this do. First off let me tell you a bit about myself when I was 16 I swam for the national swim team, I ran marathons and triathlons, I was VERY active and in amazing shape, I’m 5”8 and was 149lbs with 4% body fat. I started dating a guy who as the story goes was wonderful at first, I was very thin and very good looking, he turned abusive due to jealousy. He got so bad that he would tie me up and force me to eat, because no one wants a fat chick he would say. This went on for about a year until my parents and the police stepped in. For years I wallowed in self pity- my life sucks, I have no one, everyone hates me, I’m being judged etc etc etc because I was hurting on the inside I turned to food and ate myself up to 254lbs (a size 22 from a size 4). It didn’t happen all at once but over a few years, when I was about your age I went to counseling to deal with my anger. She told me things that hurt and made me feel attacked, but it was the truth. 4 years after the counseling, I’m happily married with a great job and found a diet that works for me. What I have to say I know you’re not going to like because of the frame of mind you are in, but maybe one day you will look back and be like, I should have taken that advice (why do I know this, because I have been there). First off, you will continue to gain weight until you are ready to change that. You clearly have some internal issues that you need to deal with, until then you will continue to eat your feelings. You are the only person who can change yourself. At the gym no one is judging you- they will think good for her she wants to change, the thought you have that people are judging you is an excuse you have made so that you do not have to change. Stop with the self pitty, it will not help you, be accountable to yourself, I DID THIS TO MYSELF NOW ITS TIME TO CHANGE.
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Most people who look at you in the gym aren't judging you--they're just people-watching. A lot of us spend a lot of time there and it gets boring, so we watch other people. One day I was walking out of the gym, past the pool area, which has large windows. There was an aqua fit class in there. Many of those people are very obese, so they're starting small. I was curious to see what one does in a pool for aerobics other than swimming, so I stopped to watch. As soon as I did, every head in the pool swiveled my way. They all had that look I know I've worn before--that "please don't watch me, I feel fat enough as it is" look. I felt sad because my curiosity had made an entire class full of people uncomfortable. I'm fat too so it's not like they had anything to be jealous of. Please don't mistake peoples' curiosity for hatred. It's just human nature.
Anyone who's ever had to go to the gym to lose weight knows that a fat person at the gym isn't a failure; they're a work in progress. And those who DO judge--well, these tend to be people who've never walked a mile in your shoes, who are naturally skinny. Or they're just young and haven't yet hit their "metabolism wall." The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out there and start moving now, while you're young. You're lucky you've come to the understanding that you need to do something about this in your twenties. You could lose the weight now, while your skin has good elasticity. |
I also don't think anyone is judging you. People are just giving you a bit of tough love in the hope that it will click. When I read your original post, what stood out was the large number of negative beliefs you seem to hold. You can't do this, you can't do that. Change your beliefs, change your behaviours.
I used to believe that I "couldn't" keep Nutella in the house without eating all of it. Now I have it in the house every day, because my kids like it, and I almost never think about it. My previous belief was limiting and wrong. Take it one day at a time. The more you see that you CAN make changes, the more you'll believe in yourself, and the easier it will be to make further changes. The commitment has to come from inside yourself. Once that part has clicked, you'll be unstoppable. Freelance |
Looks like forgottenqueen forgot to post.
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You really don't want to do what t takes to lose weight and get healthy. You are not a candidate for bypass surgery because you won't be able to follow the strict diet that is required after. No one can make you eat against your will. You put the food in your mouth and you are responsible, not your mother. You say you won't go to the gym until you are skinny but that is totally unhealthy because you will lose muscle along with fat - remember your heart is a muscle. Until you are ready to do what is necessary to lose weight healthily, there isn't much we can do to help you. By the way, I lost 214 pounds over 30 years ago and I've kept it off.
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omg I can so relate to this post seriously i was going through the same thing you were going through i'm also an only child and i'm 20 yrs old turning 21 soon .. i felt like i had no support from my mum i mean i love her so much but i felt at times she was trying to get me to get off my healthy diet and start eating junk food like you i live with my mum & its just me and her and i do believe in a way she was trying to keep me fat so i wouldn't leave her and in her mind get married off or something seriously cos she always use to tease me about my weight but whenever i tried to get on a diet she would be out buying junk food for the house things she normally wouldnt even buy when i wasn't on a diet ... my advice to you is i know what your going through i been there i can sympathize with you but what your mother needs to understand is she needs to let you go your growing up yes you will always be her little girl in her eyes but its time to take back control of your life .. i know this is easily said then done but let me tell you how i stopped my mother controlling my life ... Firstly i had a desire to change like you do & secondly like you i knew i couldn't do dis anymore i didn't want to miss out on so much just because i was obese i wanted to experience life and be confident and happy in my own skin and of course one day find love settle down and get married but mostly i wanted to find myself the real me not the girl who pretended to be the happy all the time but inside was crying out for help or the girl who was a punching bag for everyone's fat jokes including my own mum. i didn't want to be that "fat girl" i knew there was more to life then being miserable i knew i had to change but didn't know how because i had no support system and i mean zero there were so many times i cried to my mother complaining to her how i couldn't fit into clothes i really wanted or how no guys showed interest in me and she told me once straight out to my face "man don't like fat girls ". that was the lowest point in my life i really thought i wasn't good enough to lose weight and i fall into giving into my mother and allowing her to control my life and eating whatever she bought cos she was mostly doing all the cooking and shopping and of course she would mostly buy unhealthy foods . then one day i woke up and decided enough was enough i was 20 yrs old & thought if i don't get control of my life right now right dis second then am done how many years am i going to waste of my life feeling miserable and allowing my mother to get her way i had to stand up for myself and stand up to my mother so what i did was i started slowing research a healthy eating plan for me and going back to the gym i decided to join a female only gym cos i didn't feel comfortable with a unisex gym . i also started doing my own cooking and grocery shopping this really helped because i could buy healthy foods instead of unhealthy foods . the other thing i did is i kept a good journal and wrote everything i ate and slowly but surely i was getting into it and it was working the weight was coming off ... of course my mum wasn't really supportive but i was doing dis for myself sometimes you got to be selfish and put your own happiness first and don't worry your mum will come around just like mine did now she is a little more supportive but you gonna stay strong cos your mum will test you just like mine did she would buy all my previous favorite junk food and put them in the near my healthy snacks, i gonna admit it was pretty hard at first every time i thought even about eating it i remembered how far i have come on my journey to better health & happiness and how well i'm doing and the craving go disappear . so be strong you can do this trust me its possible believe in yourself and don't be hard on yourself do your own cooking & grocery shopping and if your scared of going to the gym exercise at home get exercise DVDs look up exercise videos on YouTube you will find hundreds and go for walks dis will help you ... your still very young your only 24 you can change your life around just be strong and believe me you don't need support i didn't have any i found my support from people online who hardly knew me we are all here for you and will support you also i learned to support myself i'm my own best friend now if i don't exercise or get to the gym on days am just being lazy i talk myself into it or hold myself accountable you gonna have to learn to be your own best friend that's what i learned on my journey also don't aspect to lose weight fast its gonna be a long journey i know it will take me a year and a half to get all the weight off but its a journey its suppose to take long just keep yourself motivated by setting long term goals and short term goals too so that you don't get unmotivated that's what has helped me. I haven't reached my goal weight yet but i'm on my way i started my journey last year November i been on it a few months now lost Alot of weight so far hoping to get to my goal weight by the end of this year or the start of 2013..you can add me as a friend whenever you need help or someone to talk to you can sent me a msg ... sorry about the long post anyway good luck and stay strong i know you can do this just believe in yourself i use to believe i was a complete failure before i started this journey but now that i replaced my addiction with junk food with a healthy lifestyle i never felt more better about myself in all my life good luck and just BELIEVE you can do anything you set your MIND to =)
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Forgotten queen, being overweight DOES not I repeat DOES NOT MAKE YOU unattractive to men.
I was 26 stone when I met and married my husband and he loves my curves though is very supportive of my weight loss journey now. It is VERY difficult not to care about the stares of other people at the gym or the pool or whatever but crank up the music on your MP3 player and get on with it. Wear a decent bra and decent trainers and ignore them. At least you are there doing something about it. I had a very complex relationship with my mother. She was ashamed of me being overweight and put me on a very restricted diet at age 13 which started all my weight problems. I know it is very hard but as you are now an adult your interactions with your Mum should be adult-adult not parent-child. If she puts extra food on your plate don't eat it. She will get used to you taking charge of your food intake and eventually ease up. Please find a doctor who will take your poor relationship with food seriously and hang in there. Good Luck my lovely:hug: |
The people here are really kind and supportive. You should re-read some of the posts people wrote to you without the negative mental filters you have. You probably picked up on some key words without really grasping the message of the posts which were, "we want you to get better, this is how you can start doing that".
Like someone acknowledged earlier, losing weight is as much mental as it is physical. I was also like you in one respect, "when I get skinnier, I'll do this..." because I was embarrassed of my current weight. Part of this journey is accepting yourself, that is how you will overcome the obstacles such as your mother, other people, etc. Good luck on your journey, I hope you can come back on here, it was a decision in the right path in my opinion. You can do it. :) |
She's not coming back but it's time for her to move out..her mother is toxic and needy.
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I am surrounded by food pushers. My family.. my boyfriend.. my coworkers.. friends .. I feel like I have food being shoved at me from every direction. I used to feel guilty saying no because I know people give food as a gesture of kindness, especially if they've made or bought something you love but I've changed my tune. Remember this: You're the only one who has to live in your body. You are the only one who will suffer the consequences of eating the way you do and being over 300 pounds. Therefore, you should be the only one influencing your food and exercise decisions. I know it sounds a little harsh but it's been really helpful for me to keep in mind throughout the last couple months of dieting.
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i second the poster who recommended leslie sansone's dvd called 'walk away the pounds' it's very good and at a doable pace and can be done in the comfort of your room. I too suffer from anxiety, but just want to let you know that when you feel your ready, the gym is not necessarily the worst place in the world. It took me ages to join the gym due to my anxiety. i'm 340 pounds and short and was sacred to death of joining. Then i did and initially people stared, and i hated it, but i just kept turning up my ipod on max volume and working on me and kept going, and now they don't stare anymore. But i'd highly recommend the above dvd to begin with. And if you can try and read up on healthy food choices. All the best hun x
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When i read your post and how you feel about yourself all i could see is someone i could relate too 100%. The only difference is i met a guy before i got fat and hes stuck with me through the 4 years i gained all this weight. You sound like such a sweet person whos every bit of self esteem has faded away. You need to know no matter what weight you are,you are beautiful. You have so many people out there in the same situation as you,but you can change it,with some support exercise,portion control and you will lose weight! |
Hello Forgottenqueen,
Thank you for sharing your secrets on your posting. I see that it is very, very personal stuff. I acknowledge you for being honest and open about your experience with your mom, food and weight. In my opinion the first thing you need to do is change your name! You are not forgotten....you are a queen, your job is to realize this. It seems to me that there is some underlying things here that you may want to look into for yourself. I think a great place to start is inside yourself. You must start to feel better about yourself exactly the way you are before you can move forward. In this moment (yes at your current weight) you must love yourself and appreciate all the gifts you have. Find something (I don't care how small) to thank yourself for now. It could be something like....thanking yourself for getting out of bed, or for making one healthy food choice, or for joining this forum. Find something to love about yourself exactly where you are in your life. Maybe join some sort of in-person women's group or eating disorder support group. Stay around people that are loving and encouraging. Maybe get some emotional counseling or life coaching. All of these things has helped me in life... I agree that surgery is not gonna change you life. Only you can, from the inside out. Weight is not the problem...I encourage you to go deep....real deep. Answer these questions for yourself....Do you feel like you are unworthy to be seen or to be happy? Do you feel unsafe or scared or like you have to protect yourself? Why? These are the ideas about yourself that you may want to explore....the way you feel about yourself is the source of your current life situation. I believe that our journey in life is to lovingly release all the negative thoughts that we have about ourselves because they don't make any situation better. You can move forward in your life, emotionally and physically!!!! With Love and Respect, Lulu |
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