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I have a problem with this kind of self hatred as well, you are not alone. My doctor thinks I may have BDD or body dysmorphic disorder, which basically causes me to see imperfections that are not necessarily there according to other people. I hate my body at 133 just as much or more as I did when I weighed 177. I feel like at least at my high weight I had an excuse for all the extra fat I had, I could easily say that I was fat and that was the reason I hated myself so much. At 133, I am no longer in the over weight category but I still have a lot of fat on my body. Way more then I thought I would when I imagined myself at this weight. It takes a huge tole on our mental strength to constantly feel like we are not attractive.

Every day I try to avoid the mirror because then I catch a glimpse of myself I can't help but grab all my extra fat. I still have a belly pouch and to me does not look any smaller then it did months ago, my muffin top is STILL there, my thighs are still massive a jiggly. I actually go as far to make a point to lay on my back and as flat as possible while in bed with my boyfriend, because then at least my stomach kind of sinks down a little and doesn't look as big. My goal weight used to be 130 and since I am so close and still go grossed out with myself I have changed it to 120 but even then I am not sure I will be happy. I think a lot of my issues come from having non-existent self esteem growing up and a mother that would constantly call me "fatty" and other not so nice names. It made me feel like I would never be good enough for her, and maybe now I feel like I will just never be good enough. It also comes from the place that we are our own worst critics, we see and criticize ourselves way more then anyone else does. This could come from the media always pushing those pictures of "perfect" women in our faces. I know when I look at them, I see beauty when I should be seeing photoshop and air brushing but those thoughts just don't run through my mind if that makes sense at all... Its a very difficult cycle of thinking to break, and I am having a hard time break it myself.

I wish I could give you help on how to deal with it and feel better but unfortunately I am still trying to deal with this to. My doctor has recommended therapy but currently I just don't have the funds to pursue that option currently. I would recommend you talk about it with your doctor, they can offer a lot of insight that we can't see ourselves.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I definitely don't feel very feminine ever since I gained my weight. I also feel like 'women of weight' face a lot of double standards. But I also think it's partially because we put up that wall both physically and mentally. Do you really want to be that girl who needs to be taken care of? I actually don't. But I would like, in times of trouble, for people not to assume that I'm fine because I'm a bit beefier than the delicate feminine angels around me.

I work in an industry, technology, with very few women. I work with mostly men. So I've just had to become tough and independent otherwise I couldn't have stayed with the big boys. I ate what they ate. I drank what they drank. And it's destroyed me mentally and physically. But I'm well respected at my job. So at least there is that.

I'm sort of rambling now, but I don't really have a point except to say that I agree. I'm 36 and feel like I lost about 15 years due to me hiding behind my weight and/or not working to lose the weight. And I can't stand to be touched. And I hate feeling like I tower over all of my skinny girl friends even though I'm only 5'1. I hate being the funny girl at the bar. Even my neighbors like to tell me how cute my friends are yet never make any comments to me. I once 'cleaned myself up' for a party by styling my hair and putting on makeup, and this neighbor at the party looked at me and said 'You're actually pretty.'. Not wow you look great, or even just, you look pretty tonight....but you're ACTUALLY pretty? Like who could have ever thought that was possible. The sad thing was that I agreed with her. I feel like crap so people really can't see 'my inner light'...blah, blah, blah...include all of the pep talk things to say that will irritate you. :-) In the end I think we partially make our own fate. That's just me though. I think I'm the cause for most of my problems and I'm working hard to find my way out of it.

On a side note, I'd recommend therapy if you can afford it. I've started it and she's really helping me to see how hard I am on myself. She points out things in my behavior that I don't see and shows me alternative ways of thinking. I think it's worth it.

Anyway, I know you're in a frustrated place at the moment, but stay with it. Hang in there. Buck up Lil' Camper! :-) In the end keep moving forward and you'll figure it out.

Good Luck.

I have a similar feeling of discomfort. I wear loose baggy clothes because I can't stand for other people to see my body. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror. When I sit down on a couch, I always grab a decorative pillow and put it in front of my stomach to hide behind. I avoid photos. I don't hate myself, but I'm definitely uncomfortable in my own skin. I totally understand.

Me too. I don't hate myself but I am constantly hiding my body. I always sit with a pillow in front of my stomach and I can't stand the feeling of my stomach rolls touching eachother when I sit down. I HATE when my boyfriend touches my love handles. I would say my love handles and my upper arms bother me the most...my stomach is a little easier to hide.

If I could stand my whole life things would be a little better.

Hello there, I have never done this before, so blogging is all new to me. I know how you feel Nyxwriter. I look at this person in the mirror and I dont recognise her. When did I suddenly become this blob. Up until 2 years I was about 5 -10kgs fluctuating above my ideal weight. But now that I have been on Lexapro for the last two years I have put on about 20 kilos, some of it I know is not all the tabs. Coz I do like my junk food. But I know that 85 % of it is caused by the tabs. The thing is though the tabs make me feel like the person I always used to be, I just dont look like that person anymore.

It's time to give yourself and your body some credit for what it can do.

How would you like a big, sleek, brand new flat screen tv if you can't watch anything on it? If it doesn't have a DVD player and tivo and a cable connection? The way your body looks is only one facet of what your body is. Your body takes you on a 10 mile run, your body is ready to go to work tomorrow, your body will process food and drink, and lets you taste, see, touch, smell, and hear (hopefully!) everything in your environment. It's great to want to make your body the best body it can be because it will take you everywhere you want to go, not just because it will look like some ideal version of beautiful.

Your body is a beautiful miracle now.

I hate shopping! I always have b/c every since I was little I could never shop in the stores appropriate for my age b/c they were too small. Now, if I ever go shopping w friends at the mall I just have to browse around & pretend like Im not interested in anything b/c I cant fit anything! Or I buy jewelry or purses.

When I shop, it's usually alone. I hate trying on clothes & I hate spending too much time. It's seriously a chore for me. I just grab things that look like they fit, pay, & get the heck out of there!

It sucks b/c Im still a teenager. At 19 in college, everyone is worried about what cute club dress they want to wear & finding a boyfriend. I feel like I would enjoy fashion & shopping if I actually looked nice or could fit in to smaller sizes, but the clothes my size are usu. catered to older women. My still is basic, dull & sometimes it feels like it affects my mood. It's hard to feel pretty if you never think you look pretty.

Also, I have a large amount of weight to lose. I'm looking to lose over 100 lbs. Sometimes it feels like soo much & when I think of how long it will take i just get depressed. I know I have to take things one day at a time, but it just seems too long. So I fall off the wagon, gain more weight, and am worse off than before...

Novangel !! I always sit w a pillow in front of my stomach too! I didn't know anyone else did that! ppl always look at me weird when I say "hand me that pillow" but Ive done it for so long i do it unconsciously now. Even if Im along I dont like to look down and see my big stomach

I don't hate myself, but Im uncomfortable in my body & I have low self esteem. Im also extremely shy around guys. Ive never had a serious relationship. I don't have a husband or boyfriend to comfort me or tell me im beautiful even if i dont think so. Sometimes I can't help but think that no one wants to date me b/c of my size. I know it's not true, but it's the logical reason for why Ive never had a relationship. The real reason is my low self esteem is probably boyfriend repellent... still, it sucks.

aliasihaya I can definitely relate! I hate being the funny girl!!! I HATE IT! I hate always being the fat friend! I hate when the cute guy comes up to me & my friend he always flirts w my friend in front of me! I HATE IT!!

I <3 my friends, but they dont get it. I cant talk about my weight w them, I just can't. I can only talk w my family. But it seriously bothers me. I want to get the guy... like, just once.

Ive been posting and rambling and reading haha. Sorry guys, sometimes I get in a really depressed mood. I try to just shake it off, not think so hard, think about something else, watch some TV.

At the end of the day, you really do have to take it one day at a time. I watch this TV show on MTV, it really inspires me. It's called "I Used To Be Fat" Have any of you seen it? It''s about ppl losing weight before they go off to college. Im in college now so I can really relate, but I feel like anyone with a weight issue can relate. It brightens my day b/c it shows their breakdowns, their struggles, and (usu) they fight through it and achieve their goals or make significant progress. I recommend it for sure if anyone thinks it sounds interesting