Going out in public
 

Sorry this may be quite long...

At the moment I am in the position that I simply can't face going out in public. I'm so embarrassed by the way that I look and I just don't feel like I have the right to go out and enjoy myself with friends or family. I feel like if I go to the pub, or a coffee shop, or the movies (or anywhere) that I am somehow ruining someone elses free time by being there.

My self image is not good, my self confidence is not good, but I'm desperately lonely.

I've always been very good at putting up a happy front and doing what was necessary to appear normal, but it is getting to the point that I can't even face looking at myself in the mirror.

Has anyone ever faced this in their life? how did you overcome it? :(

Self-hatred comes to people of all sizes for different reasons. I've been your weight, and I've been much higher, and how I felt about myself at the time didn't always have to do with my weight. I've hated myself as much at 160lbs as I did at 300, and I've loved myself at all different weights. It's easy to blame how you look for your problems in life, but in reality people of all sizes are happy, have friends and significant others, and enjoy life.

There's no easy way to come out of a self-hatred like it sounds like you're dealing with. I would suggest counseling and maybe a SSRI would be appropriate. I've found that counseling can be very helpful in allowing you to release pent up emotions and gain perspective on your life, as well as pushing you in the right direction with things you can do to be happier

:hug:

This is going to be long, and potentially rambly, so please forgive me.

I've never really been a huge "public" person. Sure, I liked to do things with friends back in the day, but I was mostly content with staying in.

I became a little more social when I lost a lot of weight. It might've had something to do with more confidence, but I wasn't without confidence ever before that. I have to say a lot of it had to do with energy gained from the positive changes I had made.

...I set that up to say... when I gained back the 100 pounds I'd lost I was going through some really icky stuff mentally. I NEVER wanted to go out. I was back up at 327 pounds. I felt like a failure. I felt like anyone would see right through my fat clothes into the failure that I was. I didn't want to put myself through that. I didn't even like to go out grocery shopping. I was so low that I -didn't- go out at all for months at a time. I'm not exaggerating. I was a hermit.

I'm going to say here, even though I'm FULLY ashamed of it, that my weight kept me away from my family last Christmas. Yep. It was the first year in my life that I didn't go to Christmas... and it was because I felt like a failure.

That was the lowest point in...my whole life. There. I regret it. I admit it. I allowed myself to think that I was "too fat" to go see my own damned family. :no: How selfish of me. How thoughtless and consumed. How wrong!

It wasn't even the being fat that kept me away. It was feeling like I hadn't really accomplished anything. That I wasn't proud of anything I was doing. That I had nothing to show, and nothing good to give. I'm getting upset just remembering how I thought those things about myself.

*deep breath*

I recognized what the problem was, I just wasn't ready to DO anything about it. The unfortunate vicious cycle of it was that I knew that exercising and eating better breed a positivity in me... but I didn't feel good enough about myself in order to exercise and eat better for another four months.

I can't even say what "flipped the switch". Only that one day I saw I was about 5 pounds from my original high weight, and it was as though a portion of my brain screamed at myself "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?"

And this is where I am grateful for having lost weight in the past and knowing what it takes: I told myself I would make a couple small changes and no matter what I'd just stick with those. Didn't matter what happened. I would just stick with those small changes.

The first week I began adding in activity, and tracked my food.

Gonna be honest again. It was piddly. Walking 5 minutes a day on the treadmill. Tracking the entire box of Cheez-its that I ate in one sitting. Didn't exactly scream "lifestyle change" to me.

But, I knew what I needed in order to feel good about myself, and that was the positive reinforcement. That meant that every time I did ANYTHING good, I overpraised myself.

That five minute walk? I wanted to throw confetti at the end of it, I was a super marathon runner.

That box of Cheez-its that I ate and tracked every bite? I might as well have been named Time's Woman of the Year, because of the mental party I had about how successful I was.

That first week I was a changed woman. Well, in some ways. By the end of the week I actually wanted to go out. Now. I didn't want to go out to be seen, but rather I wanted to go grocery shopping so I could make even healthier choices the following week. I still had a purpose. I had a goal.

Before... I hadn't been proud of myself. I was ashamed, and lonely, and depressed.

Now... I'm not going to say I have a perfect track record, but I created something to be proud of myself for. I'm going to tell you that overpraising myself has become a little bit of a fun project. ANY healthy habit is subject to positive talk.

Did the dishes? I'm a superstar!

Did the laundry? Do a victory dance!

Take the trash out? Put my arms up like I'm winning the Olympics!

And, yes. I'm fully aware of just how ridiculous this sounds. But, it works for me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I like liking myself. People whom I interact with are lucky to speak to me... just in the same way that I'm lucky to speak to them.

Where did it start? Finding... no... creating a reason to be proud. Making it foolproof, and catching myself with any negative talking to turn it around. Example: "I should've done more exercise." Response: "Psht. Remember when your only exercise was opening the fridge door? Yeah. I remember. This walk was great, and you know it."

I suppose I'm winding down in my thoughts.

TL;DR - I recognized what would make me feel better about myself. And this will vary, but mine was movement and keeping up with the housework to start. I use positive mental self-talk every day. EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS RIDICULOUS.

And more :hug: :hug: :hug:.

:hug:

I know how you feel, even at my lighter weight.
I'm 20, can't stand going to the beach, hate going out with friends, and absolutely loathe large social gatherings (with both friends and family).
I've felt this way for a long time. But something clicked a few weeks ago... that no one else can change the way that I feel - only me. And as shallow as it may seem to link my own sense of self worth with the way I look & feel, I know that if I don't do something, I'm going to enter my 30's upset that I wasted my 20's feeling horrible about my self, the same way I felt when I turned 20 and realised that I have wasted my teenage years.

So far, I've only lost 4kg (fingers crossed for 5 by the end of this week), but already I feel slightly better. Not enough that I'm comfortable walking into Sportsgirl and trying on a pretty summer dress, but enough to go out last Friday night and feel slightly proud of myself - not just because I had lost a bit, but because I was doing something about it.

So like what Lovely said, the fact that you're actively doing something can make you feel better.

I hope you start to feel better soon! :hug:

Originally Posted by Lovely:
:hug:

That five minute walk? I wanted to throw confetti at the end of it, I was a super marathon runner.

That box of Cheez-its that I ate and tracked every bite? I might as well have been named Time's Woman of the Year, because of the mental party I had about how successful I was.

I've had to restart this process a number of times, and I've often found baby steps at the beginning build the success mind set that really kicks in and helps to make big changes in the long run.

I know there are times I've started with just taking my vitamins every day. And then I've moved on to drinking more water and tracking my food.
Once you start to focus on the good things you are doing, it's very motivating to want to do more.

Thank you Lovely for sharing your story.

:hug:

Yay for Lovely...
She's inspirational for anyone, any size.
All good things are worth celebrating. No matter how tiny.
Everyone wants to celebrate something!

Lovely's story is GREAT, and one I relate to for sure.

I experienced having those feelings and hiding out is a self-perpetuating cycle. The more I stay in and focus my thoughts on how "awful I look," etc., the less I want to go out.

Don't deprive yourself of friendship and time with family because of a fear of how COMPLETE STRANGERS may react. Yes, I've had my feelings hurt by comments, but the truth is that it's more of a bad reflection on whoever made those comments, not on me. And I'm not saying if you go out you'll face that without question, but just to think that scenario through if that's one of your fears.

Go out and do stuff, and the more you do, I think the easier it will get. That initial scary bump is the hardest part.

PS I took a trip to Paris when I was close to my highest weight, and had a couple of things said to me because of my size, but that was the most amazing trip that I will always remember.

I think there’s a big difference between low self-esteem and low self-worth. Low self-esteem makes us avoid situations that are potentially embarrassing. Low self-worth makes us feel we don’t deserve to be breathing the same air as all the ‘normal’ people out there. I worry when I see someone saying they’ll ruin another person’s time just by showing up. You have to fight that mentality tooth & nail!

Just talking about it is a good step. It’s like an infection: lance it, examine it, treat it, try to make sure it never happens again. My hubby said something to me once that really resonated: no one is as critical of you as you are of yourself. So true! And I’m guessing that same could be said of you… after all, have you ever been in public and seen a clearly obese person, or someone with bad acne, obvious disfigurement, etc., and thought, “ew, gross! I can’t finish my burger now that I’m sitting across from THAT!”

I bet not. (and if you have, we need to be having a totally different conversation)

The world is as full of compassion and love as it is of a**holes. Embrace the former and pity the latter. But above all else, cut yourself some slack. Because nine times out of ten, the only one showing up to crucify you is.. sadly… you.

i have gone so long without so much as stepping foot outside my house that once, several weeks ago... i was forced to go to the dmv and as i was putting on my shoes... realized i couldn't remember the last time i had worn shoes.

being paranoid and narcissistic has kept me from going outside except when absolutely i have to... (in my head) i know everybody is looking at me, making judgements about me, laughing at me, ridiculing me... for how i look.

in addition... i dread going anywhere with my husband because he is naturally super skinny and i know (again, in my head) that they are making fun of me... being a human version of jack sprat...

probably closer to the truth is that most people don't even look at me... being naturally wrapped up in our own lives... i probably give myself way too much credit for being in other people's thoughts.

but i have also noticed that on those occasions i am forced outside... i feel a little more human and better about having done it. that einstein fella had a point about bodies at rest and motion... and we all need to spend more time in motion... just try and remember the goal... you do deserve the right to participate in life... your health and well-being need to take priority over those feelings of inadequacy...

Thank you all for your posts. :) Much appreciated.

Originally Posted by yoyoma:
I know there are times I've started with just taking my vitamins every day. And then I've moved on to drinking more water and tracking my food.

:hug:

Very good advice. For those of us struggling with weight-related depression, the task of taking it off seems insurmountable, we feel defeated before we even start. Starting small with less demanding health goals builds momentum. I need to remember this.

Good luck, best wishes to the original poster. I can relate completely.

Dear Always,
You are such a lovely person. Why dont you make mini goals for yourself. Like at such and such lost I will go for a cup of coffee at the coffee shop.
You are beatiful and it would be a shame to not get out. You never know what new friends you will make. I wish you well and hope you will be soon putting up pictures of new adventures.

I relate to all of these. I too avoided my family and sat home alone in my dark apartment on christmas because i was so embarrassed to be seen. I avoid meeting up with friends. I am embarrassed to go the grocery store so I drive to a store 45 minutes away so I can shop anonymously. I do think we all give other people way too much credit thinking WE are in their thoughts... i mean most people don't spend their time judging and critiquing us we truly are our own worst critics. Just know that you are not alone with struggling with these feelings. I am going to the doctor next week to get on medicine to deal with some of these thoughts. Hugs!

I can totally relate. I started a similar thread. I find that I limit my activities because of my weight. Either because I physically don't think I'm up to the task or I feel like I will be judged that I'm not physically up to the task. And on top of that I don't want to see the looks in peoples eyes (that I'm probably imagining) when I walk in the room.

But recently I've just become angry. Angry at myself and my situation. I've let myself get into a state of bitterness and lonlieness such that I won't let anyone else into my life. It's also caused a lot of health issues. I'm so mad that for years I blamed other situations for the state that I've gotten myself into when it actually was only me. So now I'm trying to feed that anger into doing something about it. I'm working on changing things so that one day I will be proud and anger free. But until then it's a struggle for me every day to remember why I need to continue down this road of losing weight and getting healthy.

I remember this episode of friends (my favorite all time show). Monica had her credit card stolen and tracked down the woman who had stolen it. She found out that the women (calling herself Monica) was doing all sorts of activities that the real Monica would never have done. I realized that I want to be that person (minus the identity theft). I want to be the person who can just go to different activities with no fear of judgement. And maybe, hopefully, I'll get there some day. And maybe one day you will too. But until then keep plugging away at the things that will eventually make you happy. Good Luck!

What an helpful thread. I've also struggled with this issue on and off for most of my life, and at many weights, but I've finally gotten to the point where it's only an issue on an extremely off day. I've also tried to build up my self worth and confidence by setting small but challenging goals for myself and then completing them. The trick is to make sure these goals are things you can accomplish, and have a long term plan as well as short term goals.

Sometimes too, when I'm having a really bad day and even being on a public street is torture, I realize that I'm almost objectifying myself, or assuming I know how other people see me and imagining myself through their eyes. The key for me is to remember how nice it is to be able to simply exist, no pressure, and that other people are just existing as well. They are no better or worse than I am. I shouldn't assume that I know what other people are thinking. Sometimes I feel that it's a sign of being almost disconnected or trying to please others at the expense of my happiness, and bringing the focus back on what I want helps me regain perspective. It sounds almost existential (ha), but remembering that I am me, not them, and I have a right to do what I like as long as I'm not hurting anybody is refreshing. You don't have to be perfect to co-exist with other people.

That probably sounded strange, but I wish you the best. If I were in your area I'd definitely go get a coffee with you. You seem like a nice person :)

I am going to share what happened to me. I used to be afraid to try anything that would bring attention to me. I have always been fat. I was a fat kid, tried every diet out there, ect. I wouldnt go to dances ect in school. I missed out on alot. At some point in my thirties it hit me. My life is full of I wish I dids. That is when I started to do. Even being fat I got out there and did. Yes sometimes Im sure I looked dumb, but I dont regret trying. 2 yrs ago, I had an ectopic pregnancy and after surgery it left me paralyzed on my lower left side and I couldnt walk. After alot of hard work and pushing myself from going from walker to cane to now cane free, I know life is short and you never know when its going to be taken away. I know you all know that Tim Mcgraw song "Live like you were dyin" I do. Because in a blink I was almost gone and everything was almost taken away. So dont think about what others think of you. Just maybe, you might inspire someone to try something they have been wanting to do.

I really feel for you.

I am in a similar position, at the moment.

5 years ago, when I hit the big 40, I had, not only managed to get back to my goal weight, but had also qualified as a fitness instructor & aerobics teacher. After a while, the demand for my classes became so huge, that I was virtually exercising round the clock & hardly eating at all. I pushed myself way too hard, trying to meet demands, & ended up having a near nervous breakdown.
I shut myself away in a darkened room, hardly got off the couch & comforted myself binging on junk food & alcohol. I didn't even go out, to shop for groceries, in case my old clients, or gym buddies, saw me & judged me, for falling so far from grace :o
In 2010 my husband booked us a holiday to Europe - to visit relatives. I had a year to prepare for the trip & vowed I'd lose the weight ..... I didn't! I was so embarrassed to see my family & friends, & witness the looks of disbelief, on their faces .... I just wanted to run away & hide!
It feels easier, sometimes, to hide yourself away from a world full of hurt. To live a 'virtual' life, using social networking sites, emails texts & phonecalls, where you never have to deal with anyone face to face & can portray yourself any way you want .... but this is not really living & the only person you are fooling is yourself.
It's taken me a while, but I am not going to live in 'suspended animation' any longer .... I am back in the game & I choose life - a real one! Only I can make this happen & now that I am in it, I am in it to win it ... however long it takes :carrot::carrot::carrot:

I empahtised with your sentiments, Always. Perhaps not for the same reasons, as my feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness resulted from years of abuse at the hands of my late partner, but the feelings are the same.

However, one thing is true and it is what rung in the changes for me ...

If someone cares about you then there is something about you that is worth caring for.

I honestly don't know, given the fat wreck I was, how my current partner came to love me. We have been together for nigh on thirteen years, during which time she saw me grow from a size 10 (UK) to a size 26, saw me through a full breakdown, suicidal tendencies and months of Cypramil (SSRI and I dont recommend people take them unless there is a HUGE reason). She loved me all the way through all those years and now we are devoted. I am a fully fledged, card carrying agoraphobic, and still she loves me.

I must be a lovely person to have someone like her, a wonderful, warm hearted, generous of spirit, funny, clever and gorgeous so devoted to me. So I ask myself, will I insult all and throw it back in her face by seeing myself as less than worthy of that love.

So I really like me, some days I really love me. I love my life with her and care deeply that I live my life so that it contributes something positive to us. My limitations ... the obesity, the agoraphobia, the health problems really don't stack up against the positives.

If one person, just one, cares about you they derserve it for you to respect that care and turn it inwards for yourself. Not for you to just externalise but for you to hug it close and surround yourself with the same warmth. After that those walls of loathing start to crack.

Please don't be afraid to like yourself, you are worth loving, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day and then one year ... and then one lifetime, at a time.

Even though I am only 18, in the past year I came to a point in my life which I can honestly say was my all time low. I dropped out of the fall semester of college, my bf of 2 years decided that he didn't love me anymore after I decided that I wanted him after dumping him ( mouthful right?). My family was in a crazy amount of debt that we could barely pay the rent. My job was 2 hours away by train and I sat on a desk all day listening to music and working. I would stay up every night watching movie after movie, and show after show because I NEEDED to distract my self.

I needed an escape.
My life had become unbearable. I didn't want to wake up in the morning. I stopped replying to every text and call from all of my friends and family. I continued eating for emotional comfort and I continued to pack on the weight.
I kept telling myself, I need to lose weight, I need to look hot so that he can want me again. I need to do this or that for this person. I stopped thinking about doing things for ME.

The entire reason why I never wanted to leave my house. The reason why I never spoke to anyone tried to escape reality by sleeping all day and watching tv all night was because I had nothing to show for myself. I had become a complete and total failure. A year ago I was popular and well liked by everyone, I was madly in love with my high school sweet heart who only had eyes for me, I was in decent shape too. But now I didn't go to school, I would eat all day, I got fired from my job, I would spend money recklessly.

The way I got out of it was by understanding why I was acting this way. If I felt like a failure, I know that the one way I could change that was by being positive. The only thing that would make me more positive, was losing weight. Weight had become such an obstacle for me.

"I can't see my friends until I lose 30lbs"
"I can't get into the dating scene until I lose 30lbs"
"Im going to buy $500 worth of jeans in a size 6 so I could be motivated" ( didn't work)
Everything evolved around my weight.
So take that first step.
Switch from artifical juice to natural juice.
Soda to water.
Full fat to low fat.
White to Whole Wheat.
Drink loads of water everyday to flush your system, get rid of the extra water weight and get motivated by the quick weight loss, even if its just water.

I know how hard it is and I hope that you can over come this, just take that first step. Walk for 10 minutes, so you could have something to be proud of. You'll get there.

I feel that way pretty much every day. Even when I was in great shape I've had a horrible self esteem problem. I'm doing P90X and slowly progressing and I notice myself looking better in areas and that'll help a bit but I see those parts that aren't tightening like I wanna see and it's a look in the mirror and think why bother? I hate how I look and hate to be seen like I am ... so I definitely know that daily fight :( I haven't a clue til I guess maybe I lose more weight and my goal is a size 6 again if it'll let up I guess we shall see.

I stopped talking to my friends and family for a year while I busily put on almost 70 pounds, so I completely know the feeling. Everyone has posted some great stuff and I completely agree with all of it! Liking yourself can start a little bit at a time, with tiny goals that make you feel accomplished.

I think encountering the Fat Acceptance Movement, really helped me realize that fat didn't have to prevent me from doing most of what I thought it "should." There were two magazines at the time BBW (Big Beautiful Woman - more a fashion magazine) and Radiance (more "activist" focused, sometimes almost militant). But the magazine featured large women, leading wonderful, full lives. I especially loved the features of extremely obese women being incredibly active - biking, running marathons, camping, hiking, swimming, walking, running, kayaking.... proving that weight alone does not make a person a couch-potato/hermit.


We're "taught" that obesity is something to be ashamed of - and something to closet away. Prior to the 20th century (and even into it), if you were mentally ill, mentally disabled, physically scarred or deformed, or even if you were just pregnant - you were expected to be kept from the sight of decent people. People closeted away (or sent away to institutions) their "unacceptable" family members. If you had a mentally handicapped child, you didn't speak about that child, and might even have a "secret" room in which the child would spend it's entire life, like an animal in a cage.

We don't do that to people any more - and we shouldn't do it to ourselves either.

Would we tell a burn victim or amputee that they were morally obligated to isolate themselves so that they didn't make "decent folk" uncomfortable?

I think it's important to realize that fat does not remove us from the human race. We're not undeserving of basic human dignity - and we not only need to treat each other as deserving human beings, we need to treat ourselves that way too.

I would never dream of telling someont with a physical or mental disability that they didn't have a right to decent human treatment and social interaction - so doing it to myself is just as wrong.

In it's own way, very poor self-worth is a kind of reverse megalomania. You have to think you're pretty darn extraordinary, if you believe that just a glimpse of your presence can ruin someone else's day.

Irrational thoughts, don't necessarily go away, just by realizing they're irrational, but it does help to remind yourself that the thoughts are not reality. Most people aren't staring or caring, and even those who are - it's their problem. What would you say to someone else in your situation?

Would you tell a friend or even an enemy "you really should stay home, you're too fat and ugly to be with people - why one look at you and everyone's going to puke!"?

If you wouldn't say it to your worst enemy, why on earth would you say it to yourself?

I've always been fairly outgoing and confident, but I did let my weight hold me back, more than I had to. Learning to be my own best friend, learning to talk to myself in positive ways wasn't exactly hard, but it was weird. Not the "talking to myself" part, because we all do that - but the "saying good stuff" part was pretty weird, but it was important because it got me to see that I did deserve good stuff. And when I treated myself like I deserved good stuff, other people treated me that way too.

I think when we hate ourselves, we almost paint a "kick me" sign on our back. It's in our body language, and it gets broadcast to the world - our posture slumps, our facial expressions show discomfort, we look at the floor when we walk, we avoid eye contact - and it broadcasts our feelings of inferiority. And it's these "signs of weakness" that provoke the bullies to attack. The snide comments, the stares and rude laughter, and sometimes even worse.

But when you feel worthy, strong and important, you hold your head high, you make eye contact, you smile, you walk with confidence, and you broadcast that to others.

Whatever you feel about your self gets broadcast by our body language - whether that's "I'm great" or "I suck." But it not only communicates with other people, it communicates to ourself as well. When you "fake" confidence and self-worth with your body language, often your disguise becomes the reality. If you stand tall, smile and make eye contact, not only will other people treat you as if you're a person of worth, you will feel like a person of worth, which is why so often self-help folks say "fake it 'til you make it." When you act as though you love and value yourself, you eventually will.

WOW - I thought I was the only person that felt this way (as if the world is staring at you, judging your every move). I still haven't worked up the courage to start walking outside around my neighborhood yet but I'm getting there.

Your post really hit home for me. I've avoided wearing skirts or shorts for YEARS. I've avoided going to the beach, going to family gatherings, hanging out with friends or going anywhere else I could be photographed.

I've hated myself for the way my body looks for YEARS. It's a horrible thing. It's so damaging. I've wished so many times that I could take a pill for my self esteem. Just pop one and "bam!" High self esteem. ****, I'd settle for average self esteem... anything other than this rock bottom crap that I've been dealing with.

I think the trick is to praise yourself for little things like Lovely was saying. Praise yourself when you do a load of dishes or vacuum or when you do your makeup before you go out or when you file your nails.

I am trying so hard to talk positive to myself, to be the support that I need and don't get enough of.

I'm still at the beginning of my journey. I haven't lost any weight yet, and I don't like my body...but I can still celebrate the little things and try really hard to see something good in my life.

Just keep hanging in there. If I've learned one thing from life, it's that I'm not alone. Even when I feel like I'm alone, I'm not.

I am not in a position to offer any advice as I struggle with some low self-esteem and self-worth issues periodically but I just wanted to say there are some absolutely amazing posts on here which have really made me think, so thank you.

wow there are some heart felt, moving and candid responses in this thread. I too can relate to a lot of this. When I was at my biggest, I hated myself :( So sad on reflection as we are ALL worthy of respect, attention and the air we breath no matter what we look like.
I used to avoid seeing good friends because it would mean having to leave the flat, I was so painfully conscious of my fat bits that even when I did venture out I spent the whole time trying to cover them with strategically placed bags, jackets etc. I would walk along the street, looking at people almost trying to pre empt the nasty comments.

I felt that even if people were not saying it, there was a high chance they were thinking it anyway.

Now I blend into the crowd, I
look back at the bigger me and feel so sad that I lived 5 years of my life that way. A simple movement such as heading out to shop became this monumental challenge I had to mentally prepare for. Crazy :(

Oh my dear, I totally understand how you're feeling. With me, though, that feeling of not wanting to go out comes and goes. Sometimes I feel confident with who I am no matter my weight, and sometimes I find myself sitting outside the hair salon not going in because I feel like I don't deserve to have pretty hair because I'm fat. I feel like a fraud, a fat girl with pretty hair, nope that won't work. The thing is, when I see other big women all dolled up I praise them for taking care of their appearance with nice clothes, hair and makeup in spite of their weight.

My mother likes to tell me that a fat woman like me MUST go the extra mile to look good because my body isn't so good. She means well, but it hurt.

I sometimes drive to the store when I can easily walk because I'm ashamed of the way I look with my big self. I feel abnormal. I hate that feeling.

Please don't feel alone, because I understand what you are saying completely. I'm actually surprised to see how many people feel the way that I do. I have to go out every day for class but to be honest, if I didn't have school, I don't think I would. I feel overwhelmingly self-conscious of myself and how I look, to the point where I've almost totally restricted myself socially. Even in class, I feel I look too disgusting to even make eye contact with those around me. I used food over the last couple of years to help me check-out emotionally. While I ate incessantly, I stopped thinking about all my problems, or at least felt soothed in that moment. Of course that was so far from reality that it's laughable.

When I am around friends/family, I don't think they really know how I feel. Or at least, I don't think they know the depth of how I feel. My mom recently told a few of my cousins that I was wanting to go on anti-depressants. I had told her that in confidence, and was just thinking about (hadn't even made a dr's appt yet), but my cousin took it upon herself to bring it up in front of a lot of people. I felt humiliated, but I denied it and just pretended I was happy like I always have. A few weeks ago, I went to a friend's birthday party and was actually laughing, socializing with people, and cracking jokes a LOT, which is strange, considering how I really felt that day (absolutely terrible). It sometimes feels like I put on a mask when I'm forced into attending social events - I automatically start acting "happy" and "normal" when I feel anything but.

I've started at a new university, and I had a chance to make friends my first week. I got invited by a group of girls to go to frat parties with them. It's not really my thing but I considered it, just to make some friends. But then I thought a bit deeper and knew there was no way I could go. One, they were all very thin, very cute girls that all dressed very nice. I don't even own anything nice. Not because I can't afford it, but because what I would like to wear would not look good on someone my size and also because what I'd like to wear doesn't come in my size. I never wear skirts or shorts - it's jeans everyday. Also, there would be guys there that I knew wouldn't look twice at me and I feel would laugh at me and get disgusted by how fat I look. I got a sick feeling just thinking about how I would feel all by myself while I stuck out like a sore thumb in a crowd full of these cute girls.

I'm terrified of public-speaking, because I feel like people will judge me and ridicule me because of my looks. If I'm out in public, and I hear a person or group of people start laughing, the first thought that jumps into my head is that they're laughing at me. I always feel like people don't want to talk to me because of how fat/ugly/etc. I look, so I have stopped making an effort to make new friends. You'd think typing that would give me a different perspective, and it does in a sense. I do realize it sounds a bit far-fetched but ultimately I feel really unworthy of happiness until I lose weight. And I don't know how to fix that.

I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but I feel so down that it feels like an impossible task. For now, I take comfort in the fact that despite how I feel I haven't given up on living my life. I must have some hope left for that, and it keeps me going. I have no real advice and am just commiserating, but I hope that things turn around for you and that you find the strength to overcome your issues. :)

@SlateGray: Are you me? Seriously, everything you said about how you feel about yourself could have come out of my mouth (that is, if I actually had the guts to tell someone about how I feel about myself). I'm new to this too, and don't have any advice to offer, but wanted to let you know that your post really resonated with me. I've been where you are - heck, I am where you are. I wish you all the best, really, from the bottom of my heart, because I know how it feels.

@Sophieeex3: I know exactly what you're talking about. Everything in my life evolved around my weight too, and I also do the exact same thing that you said you did. I hold things off for the "perfect" time, i.e. when I lose all the weight and feel good about myself.

I have felt ugly and gross and have not wanted to be in public for awhile now. I go to stores and get out of there as quick as I can and not make conversation with anyone. I am single and I've just about given up on finding someone because I feel too ugly and fat. I got my driver's license picture taken today and its sooo bad. The holidays are coming so fast and there will be many photo opportunites that I want to avoid so much.
I'm sorry I'm being so negative. I recently have gone off antidepressants and I'm still adjusting and learning to live without them...

wow I thought I was the only one that felt like this. There are people I haven't seen in two years from college that live in another state. I keep telling myself I will go see them when I"m skinny. It hasn't happened. I"ve held myself back from so much. I realize I need to start living life. It's hard.

I feel for all of you and I don't have any good advice, but,,,,,

I have a friend, who is very overweight and she is the most self confident, ambitious woman I know!

Stef has part time job as a nurses aid, she is a full time college student, working towards her RN degree, she is married, she has tons of friends, when she has time, she parties, she is an animal lover, and former vet tech. Her house is immaculate, she spends time with family, her bank account is always balanced, etc. etc.

When you meet Stef, you don't see the "fat" girl, you see Stef! You see young, ambitious, family oriented, caring, compassionate, fun, organized, well adjusted woman.

Once in awhile she will bring up her weight, she would of course like to lose some weight, but her weight is not who she is.

On another note, when I'm out running errands, at the grocery store, or gas station or whatever, I don't pay that much attention. I'm busy, I have my own agenda. Most of us don't pay that much attention to anyone else because we have our own day to day stuff on our minds. What's for supper, gotta get home and let the dog out, when am I gonna squeak in the time in my work day to liscense the car, I need to see my insurance agent, gotta get a BD present for my DIL, MIL, is mad cuz we haven't been up to see them for week, Mom, needs some help moving furniture and on and on.

You should be really proud of yourself for saying 'enough is enough' in the first place! It takes a lot of guts to admit you want or need to change something about yourself.

Everybody in the entire world has down days. Days where they have NO CLOTHES, or look bad, or whatever. Sometimes circumstances are unavoidable, but the way you react to those circumstances is down to you. The first thing you have to do is take yourself out of the position of 'victim'. You're not a victim, you're great and you should remind yourself every day. Overweight is not all you are. We can't be categorised as people just on how much we weigh - that's ludicrous!

You definitely you shouldn't feel like you're wasting or ruining anyone's time when you go out - if your friends and family didn't want you there then they wouldn't have invited you in the first place!

You also shouldn't feel self-conscious. Even if you feel that people are looking or saying things about you, you know they have no right to because you're doing something about it! You should only feel embarrassed if you're doing nothing. Other people's opinions don't matter, it's what you think of yourself that counts.

When I was having a particularly bad day, one of my friends said to me 'do your hair, put on your favourite dress, hold your head up high and on with the day!' and I've really kept that with me. If you just keep on keeping on, then you'll start to see even better results.

Don't listen to that voice in your head that says you can't do it because that voice is a liar.

Wow what a really great and supportive thread. I believe that always spoke universally for so many of us. All of the advice given is great.

I just want to add, however short. That if you look at my ticker, I've "lost" most of my weight, although I keep bouncing between that weight and like 153...and I still hate myself. Weight loss changed nothing. I still want to be able to go out without feeling like I'm not worth other people's time. I feel like a huge inconvienence and well, pretty much the same as how I felt 60 lbs ago. I realized that behind "fat" was a laundry list of reasons I don't think others want to be around me, nor should they be subjected to my presence.

I've heard over and over losing weight does not solve low self esteem problems and I thought that was the biggest load of crap...well, it turns out its true. For me anyway.
Love yourself now.

Originally Posted by GlamourGirl827:
I just want to add, however short. That if you look at my ticker, I've "lost" most of my weight, although I keep bouncing between that weight and like 153...and I still hate myself. Weight loss changed nothing. I still want to be able to go out without feeling like I'm not worth other people's time. I feel like a huge inconvienence and well, pretty much the same as how I felt 60 lbs ago. I realized that behind "fat" was a laundry list of reasons I don't think others want to be around me, nor should they be subjected to my presence.

I've heard over and over losing weight does not solve low self esteem problems and I thought that was the biggest load of crap...well, it turns out its true. For me anyway.
Love yourself now.

So so true.

I also can relate to this...My friend recently lost all her baby weight and she looks great...me on the other hand totally different story. She always wants me to go out with her and when I actually do go out everybody tells her how great she looks and I feel like everybody looks the other way when I walk in. I also go to other towns to grocery shop so people in my hometown dont see what im buying.