[Avezy44]

Ever since my hugely regretted move out of state that ended in failure..I have not worked out, touch my guitar, written a song.. I have been sleeping away the day, not doing simple things like house work and have been avoiding contact with friends as well as the obvious.. gaining weight like crazy. I am going to explain my failure and so perhaps you will understand why I feel the way I do. I need to vent in a place where no one expects anything from me so I can hear some unbias opinions.

September:
I decided to move to the north east after joining forces with an amazing experienced lead guitar player that wanted to start a band with me as the "front man". It took some thinking because I am actually from the north east but moved down south to (go figure) persue music. I have been a singer/songwriter since early childhood and it's just something I am good at so I have always done it. I had all the confidencein the world in my decision because I had changed so much about myself in the past 6 months, I was down 70 pounds, practicing music every day.. I had several new songs written in a very short period of time and I just felt like I could accomplish anything at that point.

October-December:
The closer the move got the more confident I felt about my decision. I was ready to take the big step and start completely fresh. I was ready to make new friends that I had things in common with and were just on the same page.. I wanted to get out of my dads house and get into a place of my own with my boyfriend of 2 years(almost 3 now).

January:
I moved up and into the guitar players house with he and his wife and we practiced daily.. I didn't have a car and I was a good 2 hours away from any family or anyone I knew even in general so I stayed pretty focused on the task at hand but as things progressed I began feeling cut off from any kind of a social life and actually felt somewhat homeless. I met the band and they all seemed pretty cool. All of them had quite a few years on my.. the youngest member besides myself was in his late 30's. Band practices were only once a week and before this I had always been a duo acoustic or solo acoustic act so it was kind of new having 5 people to worry about and keep happy at all times.

February:
At this point I was at my guitar players house so much that we were starting to get under each others skin so I began staying at my grandmothers house once a week.. and gradually it turned into living there full-time.. I have more of a social life but began missing what I had down south a lot and began eating my feelings of boredom/depression. The band practices got increasingly sloppy (ftr.. It wasn't completely on my part.. I continued doing what I had to do.. though I was flubbing up a bit.. the band just started "not getting emails" and not making it to practices for [insert lame excuse here]). Because the guitar player and I were the leads of the band it was all pinned on us. I kept trying everything to keep them around.. my mom lent me $500 dollars for a new wardrobe to hopefuly show them how serious I was about being the complete package.. I payed a web developer $500 (more mom money) and just everything.. No matter what I did everyone would still say "I don't think you want it enough"... "I gave up another band for this.. what have you done?" or my least favorite "too amateur".

March:
My need for space and my boyfriend drove me to getting a large loan from my mom and renting a $780 a month apartment for the two of us.. My boyfriend moved up (quit his job that he had going on 3 years) and began the hunt for a new job. We were both ready to prove everyone wrong because it seemed like everyone doubted every single thing I did.. the band, my family... My dad said.. you can't afford that you're making a huge mistake.. just keeping doing your thing and the bf will still be there when you're ready for him(right as he was.. I was stubborn). My band consistently cancelled every practice in the month of march and I started to doubt myself in ever single aspect.

April:
First week I began getting extremely nervous about the bands commitment and started doubting my ability to ever play a show and make some money so I found a minimum wage ice cream shop job (best ice cream ever = slippery slope to failing in the one thing I was extremely close to succeeding in) Two days before my birthday the band holds a meeting that everyone but me was invited to (my guitar player told me about it but warned me that it was probably not going to be good news and told me I probably should opt out) The entire band walked. My bills began catching up with me and my boyfriend was having ZERO luck finding any employment.. I began saving all of my tips from my job toward moving back to the south.

May:
We drove back to tn.. I quit my job, my apartment and my self-esteem and went back to my dad's house with only the things I could fit in my boyfriends 4-door car. (most of my stuff is still up north.. thankfully my guitar player is going to bring it to me).

June:
We both found employment.. I am a waitress and make very little pay and my boyfriend got work through a temp agency and gets paid close to $3 an hour less than what he made before.

July:
I enrolled in school for the much more steady health field (nursing).

August:
School is killing my bank account and I haven't even started yet, I am back to zero social life and up about 20 pounds from my lowest that I reach back in January (162). I feel like a major fatty and that major failure makes me question my ability to succeed in school/work and ever losing this weight..

There is my rant, how do I make myself feel better?

[yoyoma]

First of all,

You have done a fantastic job on your weight! With all the stress in your life and jobs in an ice cream shop and now a waitress, it amazing that you haven't completely thrown in the towel. You have a great deal of determination and pluck and believe it or not, those will get you far in life. I'm sorry things didn't work out with that band. Maybe things will work out for you in some other musical venue, or maybe they won't but all successful people have several failures for each success. But it is the successful people who keep trying and find something that works out for them. It's the same thing with losing weight. I know your life is still stressful but maybe it will be stable enough for a while for you to spend some of your energy tackling your weight objectives.

I believe in you; I truly do. The stars may or may not align right for a musical career, but you will be a success.

[Avezy44]

Thank you so much Not only for your kind and motivational words but for taking the time to read my novel of a rant. You're very sweet and I am very determined.. a person can only be stationary for so long before they have to get moving again.

[aliasihaya]

I actually think your 'rant' can be considered inspirational. It's not easy to make the decisions that you have and to persevere. You could have holed yourself up and chosen to not to participate in life. But you're still living life and functioning. Maybe you're not functioning at the level that you'd like but at least you're moving forward. Plus it sounds like you have a supportive long term relationship to also help you through this. I could only wish for something close to that. So in that respect I'm even jealous. :-) I think that rants definitely help. It's ok to feel frustrated and down. Lord knows that I have as well even though I have a fairly good life. But as long as you keep moving then you're doing all right. It's advice that I also need to take for myself. It's always easier to tell someone else what to do rather than doing it yourself.

I think that it's awesome that you're going to go to school. It may hurt a lot financially and it's going to be tough, but it will be soooo worth it in the long run. Don't be surprised if your weight continues to fluctuate during school. It's stressful and time consuming which makes it hard to take care of yourself. I know that first hand. But if you can push forward out of your rut then you'll do just fine.

Again, words of advice that I need to take as well. Good luck in your continuing adventures!