[duckling]

*Sad, pathetic rant to follow.*

I don't post much, so I hate posting something like this to people who aren't familiar with me, but I am just feeling really down lately and need to get this out.

I never struggled with my weight until I had my first child at 20. Now my weight is always going up and down. This time last year I weighed 110 (I'm 5'1"). I gained 20 pounds in about 7 months putting me at 130.

I was doing awesome during the Spring. I was eating great and running every night and doing yoga and I felt pretty good. But I only lost 5 lbs. Then I went on vacation and gained the 5 lbs back and was back to 130 again.

And now I am ashamed and embarrassed to say that for the past 12 days I have not been eating. I have been having tea and water during the day and 1 bowl of cabbage soup at night. I am not working out because I feel like sh**. I have lost 10 lbs, which really, really excites me. I keep almost eating and then I imagine that my body is going to hoard it since I haven't been eating, so I just don't. The couple times that I have given in and impulsively ate a pretzel or whatever, I have thrown it up. I wanted to start this as a jump-start and for the last few days I've been telling myself, "okay- last day." But it's seriously like I'm afraid to eat now.

I am unbelievably uncomfortable with my body. I hate talking to people because I feel like they're thinking about how fat I am. I am going to graduate school in the Fall for my masters degree and I just keep thinking about how the professors and other students are going to be disgusted by me. The idea of finding a new job is horrifying because the interview... ugh. I start to stumble in interviews because I feel like all they can think about is how gross I am. I hate getting dressed for work in the morning. I hate seeing myself in mirrors. I miss out on tons of fun things because I'm scared to be in a swimsuit in front of others.

It just sucks. And I know it's such an awful example to set for my daughters (4 years old and 18 months old) and I kid myself by trying to make myself believe that they don't notice....


Ahhhh. Okay. Sorry for that to anyone that read it. felt good to get out.

[RobinP5380]

I have to say I relate EXACTLY to the things you had to say! Not that I am not eating, but I am exactly opposite!! I eat to sooth myself and then I feel bad afterwards. I truly hope everything works out for you.

[Bellamack]

You need some counciling, you are not gross at 130 lbs., you need to eat properly for your child (ren). Not eating and throwing up are an eating disorder. Talk to someone soon to get on the right path.

[DietVet]

What Bellamack said. Absolutely. You need counselling.

Also, it might be helpful to remind yourself that most people are too interested in themselves to worry about an extra inch or two on someone else's waist!

[fuct]

I know how you feel. It's like I have only 2 modes - eat whatever I like, or eat nothing. I find it easier to eat nothing than to prepare healthy meals (I'm extremely lazy though so maybe that factors..) I'm a night owl so I wake up at around 7pm, eat dinner with my family, then starve myself until I go to bed again at 10am. I definitely feel scared to eat, specially now since I have been eating under 700-800 calories for 6 days, I'm worried the weight will just pile back on. I used to have issues with purging, but I always hated it, generally preferred just not eating. Also I have severe social anxiety so I know how you feel when you're worried everybody is thinking of how you look.
I agree with the above posters that you should maybe try counselling, they can help you with your body image.

[DietVet]

Hey girl, 700-800 cals a day is too few! You really don't need to do anything so drastic to yourself! It's not, not, not good and it will harm you and your body in the long run.

[astrophe]

I'm glad you got it out. I hope you feel better.

But to be honest, I'm not sitting here thinking anything like this:

"I hate talking to people because I feel like they're thinking about how fat I am."

I'm not thinking about your body at all. I'm thinking -- what's going on in her head?

I'm also sitting here thinking -- whoa! I hope this gal gets some help for her body image distortion before she passes it on to her kids or gets deeper into ED land. That business of throwing up your food... not cool.

You say it right here:

I am unbelievably uncomfortable with my body.

It isn't your body, hon. It's your head. Don't try to fix a head problem with a body solution. You are eating too low, you are beating your body up with your head thinkin'... and for what? What is it doing for you? You don't sound happy.

Since you are a student -- try to seek out your health center's help. And check out www.something-fishy.org too.

I hope you can find it in you to get help and be healthy all the way through -- mind, body, heart and spirit.

GL!
A.