[AZ Sunrises]

I don't know what's wrong with me. You'd think I'd be happy with a 55 lb weight loss. Somehow, it's just not enough. I don't know if 150 lbs would be enough.

I don't know if it's estrogen dominance as a result of fat loss, or if I'm genuinely falling apart. Every time I leave, I feel nervous, tense, and otherwise uneasy. I forced myself to go clothes shopping this weekend. Despite squeezing into 20s...yay, short term goal...I couldn't wait to get home. I forced myself to go out with friends for the first time in ages two weekends ago. I'm forcing myself to pursue dating, despite the fact that I find the idea of someone touching me absolutely repulsive.

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart. I've never experienced such feelings of self-loathing before. I've always liked myself, and now when I look in the mirror, I feel like I'm actually larger than I was at my fattest, even though I can visibly see that I'm shrinking and my clothing sizes reflect that.

It's like as I'm dropping pounds, every negative emotion I've ever had is amplified. My insurance is worthless, so I can't sit on the happy couch somewhere. I have to simply suck it up and deal with it for now.

Bah...I'm off to a job that I despise, so my apologies in advance if this is disjointed. Time to put on the fake smile and make it through another day.

[katy trail]

maybe this is how you felt before, but masked it with food so you didnt even realize your feelings.
it is hard. its all mental. i know what to do, eat. i always did. its all in my head.
try to explore your feelings a little bit at a time, if you need to. write it down, talk to fellow wt loss warrior. you are worth it! anything those neg. thoughts say is a lie. its always distorted in our mind. try IOWL podcasts.

during this you may want to just maintain. its very difficult mentally.but it helped me alot.

[AZ Sunrises]

Maintaining now isn't an option. I want the lard off now. Period. I have no patience for my own bs. I just need to suck it up and continue moving forward. This is about the same weight where I quit 5 years ago. I won't repeat history. Come **** or high water I 'm moving forward.

LOL. Invalidating my own emotions a bit, but this needs to be done.

ETA: You may be on to something. I'm all but denying any emotions at all in the post. Like my own feelings and thoughts don't matter to anyone including myself.