Depression and Weight Issues Have you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!

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Old 07-25-2009, 06:45 PM   #1  
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Unhappy The Knots (aka Depression)

I wrote this the other day. I wanted to try to put a voice to what I was feeling. A way to express what depression feels like to me, personally.

I hope it ok to post it here since it is about depression, though it is not really about the weight aspect of it.

The Knots (aka Depression)

Depression is difficult for everyone who struggles with this disease. We share similar symptoms and experiences; we are all brother and sisters, united in confusion and pain. But at the same time, depression means something different to each of us. We all have our own issues, our own battles, and our own way of describing the demons we face daily … I call mine “The Knots”

The Knots are emotions: Sadness, pain, hurt, loneliness, frustrations, anger, emptiness, confusion, restlessness, doubt, fear… Separate there are strong; in this fragile state I am always in, just one of them can overtake me.

But The Knots are jealous. They merge together inside of me, into one big knot. And there they stay, waging war, each one fighting to be the dominant emotion, each one battling for complete control of me.

What The Knots don't realize is that they already have control of me. I feel each and every one of them at all times. I am a pawn in their war, already defeated, yet still it rages on. Sometimes I muster the courage to fight back, but it is in vain. They are always stronger than me. And each time I fight, I lose another piece of who I am. So in the end, rather than lose more of myself, I let them have control. Ironically it is only in these moments, when I surrender myself to their darkness, do I find peace.

There is a high price to pay for this peace however. In this darkness I have no will of my own. My mind becomes their playground. My body just an empty shell. There is no hope, no faith, no joy, no love, no desire, and no will. But I accept this price, because the truth is, I long for that void. I prefer it to the chaos The Knots bring.

There are days when The Knots, having worn themselves out in victory celebrations, loosen (though never completely release) their grip on me. In those moments my mind, my heart, my body, and my soul are almost my own again. I claw my way out of the darkness to play in the light.

But I know it won’t last. It never lasts.

So I play.

And I wait.

Wait for The Knots to awaken and send me back to the dark.

Last edited by SweetCurves32; 07-25-2009 at 06:48 PM.
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Old 07-25-2009, 07:39 PM   #2  
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I so understand where you're coming from.

You're so right... everyone that suffers from true depression truly does have their own version of it. I've always called mine my Night Demons, or Night Terrors.

I feel like they're evil shadows of anger, pain, sorrow, hatred, depression, and hoplessness that reach out their creeping, poisonous fingers into my heart when I'm most vulnerable.... at night... alone.... with only my own thoughts and heart to keep me safe from them. They whisper to me, telling me that there's no point... I'll never be anything, I'll never go anywhere... I'll never be good enough or loved..... I'll never never never....

... sometimes they feel so strong I feel as though I'm trapped under their black cloud and can't even move my body. My body is a dense fog of their darkness and it feels like they've won. That they'll always win.

Several times, they almost talked me into killing myself. Twice, I tried.

But you know what? One day... I got sick of it. Sick of them. Sick of letting them rule my life and keeping me in tears and terrified. I realized that when the sun came up.... they couldn't stick around any longer. The sun banished them, hope banished them..... Light banished them.... and I realized that truly, they have no power because they CAN be banished. They only have power because I allow them to have power.

And though they still visit me now and then... I sit there and I look at them on the other side of the glass wall that was my realization and know that they can't truly harm me now that I know they are not omnipotent. Tomorrow will always come and banish them, the sun and Light and hope will always be there to chase them away. Unfailing. So I see them for what they are.

Nothing.

Last edited by starfishkitty; 07-25-2009 at 07:41 PM.
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Old 07-25-2009, 08:47 PM   #3  
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Wow. Thank you so much for sharing that.

It is so important to hear other people talk about their struggles. It helps to let people know that they aren't alone, and that there is hope.

Thank you!

Last edited by SweetCurves32; 07-25-2009 at 08:47 PM.
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Old 07-26-2009, 01:01 AM   #4  
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There's always, ALWAYS hope.... as long as you remember that there is.
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