The Knots (aka Depression)
I wrote this the other day. I wanted to try to put a voice to what I was feeling. A way to express what depression feels like to me, personally.
I hope it ok to post it here since it is about depression, though it is not really about the weight aspect of it.
The Knots (aka Depression)
Depression is difficult for everyone who struggles with this disease. We share similar symptoms and experiences; we are all brother and sisters, united in confusion and pain. But at the same time, depression means something different to each of us. We all have our own issues, our own battles, and our own way of describing the demons we face daily … I call mine “The Knots”
The Knots are emotions: Sadness, pain, hurt, loneliness, frustrations, anger, emptiness, confusion, restlessness, doubt, fear… Separate there are strong; in this fragile state I am always in, just one of them can overtake me.
But The Knots are jealous. They merge together inside of me, into one big knot. And there they stay, waging war, each one fighting to be the dominant emotion, each one battling for complete control of me.
What The Knots don't realize is that they already have control of me. I feel each and every one of them at all times. I am a pawn in their war, already defeated, yet still it rages on. Sometimes I muster the courage to fight back, but it is in vain. They are always stronger than me. And each time I fight, I lose another piece of who I am. So in the end, rather than lose more of myself, I let them have control. Ironically it is only in these moments, when I surrender myself to their darkness, do I find peace.
There is a high price to pay for this peace however. In this darkness I have no will of my own. My mind becomes their playground. My body just an empty shell. There is no hope, no faith, no joy, no love, no desire, and no will. But I accept this price, because the truth is, I long for that void. I prefer it to the chaos The Knots bring.
There are days when The Knots, having worn themselves out in victory celebrations, loosen (though never completely release) their grip on me. In those moments my mind, my heart, my body, and my soul are almost my own again. I claw my way out of the darkness to play in the light.
But I know it won’t last. It never lasts.
So I play.
And I wait.
Wait for The Knots to awaken and send me back to the dark.
Last edited by SweetCurves32; 07-25-2009 at 06:48 PM.
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