No such thing as happily ever after...
 

I'm fat. I hate how I look and feel. This is only one problem but, somehow, I feel like it is the cause of every other problem.

I am unemployed but educated and cannot find a job.

Tonight I asked my husband why he never says I am pretty. He accused me of just "trying to start a fight". I told him that it hurts me that he never says I am pretty. I know he is disgusted--because I would be. The truth is though that he is not Mr. Physique either! He has lost his hair and has a big huge stomach and looks pregnant but I still tell him that he is good looking and sexy. However, he never says it to me.

Before we married he said to me, "you will never meet another man more romantic than me!" BullSh*t!

I am not perfect, God knows. Nobody is. I am always apologizing for EVERYTHING I do. I am apologizing to my kids constantly and my husband and I even apologize to strangers for nothing. For instance, in Walmart a customer rams me with their cart and I am the one apologizing!

This is not my first marriage and, in fact, my husband is a great guy when it comes to many things....a good provider, good step-father to my children, level-headed, and intelligent.

Bottom line....I am just not happy. I feel like swimming into the ocean and never coming back sometimes.

It will be better tomorrow or maybe even an hour from now....

I have had depression before but have no insurance to see a doctor now and my husband won't even add me to his because it costs too much. He can't hear me when I am trying to call out to him for help. I know this next statement is not true but it sure will make me feel better to say it AT THIS MOMENT...MY HUSBAND IS AN ***! (right now)!

Ok, the last part didn't post exactly as I typed it...I guess the site automatically takes out curse words? So, here it is....MY HUSBAND IS AN ARSE!

You get the picture!

It sounds like it's time for you to start focusing on you. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you're not happy you need to make a change. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the only solution. Maybe you should start getting out to exercise on a regular basis. They say it helps with depression. It's time to start living!!! Which weight loss plan are you following?

Oh yes you are correct! I know this and, you know what?, I am going to start focusing on ME. I am sick and tired of putting everything and everyone above myself! (Sign going off over my head...*Ding, ding, ding we have a winner*) haha.

Yes, indeed, you are correct, it is easier said than done. But, it CAN be done!

One set-back though. I am injured. I cannot exercise aerobically (at least not much and not easily) because of a foot injury. Even though I have no insurance I have made an appointment with a podiatrist tomorrow to find out what exactly is wrong with my foot and, I am praying, that I can fix it myself without extended treatment or physical therapy. First step, finding out what is wrong.

As far as a plan I am trying, none exactly yet. Considering Atkins again but I think I probably won't go that route just because I am not sure it is the right one for me. I am going to just cut everthing I eat in half and try to eat healthier.

Please....all you prayers out there. Lift me up in prayer! Thanks so much.

If you don't feel good about your body and how you look, I don't see how you can be mad at your husband if he doesn't lie and say you are pretty. It isn't his job. You need to feel good about yourself the way you look today and that means taking the time to take care of yourself. You might tell your husband if he thinks it costs too much to have you on his insurance, he better be praying hourly you don't get sick because the bills would eat you up.

Hi angelmom,

Try reading the message you wrote here from a different point of view.

Yes, it's hard to be overweight - it's embarassing, it's awkward and it's not socially accepted, but stressing over that is not going to change anything.

YOU have to change things!

If you're unhappy with your weight, it's your problem, no-one elses. That's not to say you shouldn't have support, because you should, but at the end of the day, you decide what to do, no matter what advice you're given.

It took me ages to realise this, but now my attitude is so much more positive :)

Think about things honestly - writing things down and coming back to them is a good way to look at it rationally. For example, if your husband told you that you're pretty, would you actually believe him, or would you feel worse thinking that your husband was lying or felt sorry for you? I mean, how could you believe him, when you admit to calling him sexy when you don't really think that?

If you need support, or someone to talk to honestly, I'm always a pm away and I check in regularly - feel free to get in touch.

Think about things differently and see if it makes you feel better - it really worked for me :)

Sarah x

Angelmom, one year ago I decided to start caring about my own well being IN ADDITION to caring for my family of 4 little boys and my dh.

That meant, instead of looking to squeeze in a workout if everyone else had his needs met and I wasn't too exhausted.... I told dh that I needed the time to get it in, and not after everone was alseep either. I changed the way I cooked and everyone changed the way he ate. It was a slow process but was generally accepted by all involved.


I know you can do this. Yeah, dh and friend and family may throw up emotional road blocks, intentionally or unintentionally.... Make yourself as important as everyone else in your life is. And stick around 3fc.

:)

I find that one thing that really makes a guy go hmmm is when you say "remember when you used to do all those romantic things for me? I miss that a lot, I miss the unexpected flowers and picnics" or whatever.

I know the last time I told my husband that I loved when he used to send me yellow roses- a few weeks later he surprised me with them :D

Nagging them and saying "why don't you say I'm pretty?!" just makes them defensive.

I know how you feel about being educated and not able to find a job. I think that really brings a person down. I lost my job and it took me a year to find a new one, and it doesn't pay as well but I'm happy at least.

As for insurance I think you need to speak to your husband and say you really need to be on his insurance, yes it's expensive but what if something happens to you? Doctor's bills are insanely expensive without insurance! And if something came up then LATER you got insurance they wouldn't cover you if it was "pre-existing" and so on. I shell out hundreds of dollars a month for my husband and myself for insurance but I'm glad I did because my husband was just diagnosed a month ago with MS, the cost of the medication a YEAR is well over $15,000 but our insurance pays for it ALL.

I know it's depressing not being able to find a job- but take this as time to focus on you- AND STOP APOLOGIZING! Use this time to get up each morning and just go workout- screw everything else, cleaning and all that can wait! Focus on you and your health and maybe your husband will see that beautiful and vivacious woman he married again- and if he's smart he'll comment ;)

Hi, you deserve to be happy and healthy, I agree with everyone that said that a positive mind set makes a huge difference in your life, of course it's not always easy to think of the glass as being half full instead of half empty but the rewards from making the effort to do so are huge, I think that positive thinking can become a habit just like negative thinking, I admire you for sharing your concerns with us and I think that sharing really helps you to see that you are not alone and that people on this site care about your well being and happiness. I really feel like we've found a community that truly cares and it's a great feeling.:)
Whenever I am down I always try to remember that "this too shall pass".

Thanks to all the people who posted positive comments.

As far as the comments from a couple of you. First of all, when I said I tell my husband he is sexy and looks good...I am not lying. I do believe that because he is. He is, however, not the same as years ago or when we got married. I was simply pointing out the he is not the same either.

As far as the comment about it not being his job to lie and say I am pretty, I disagee...it is his job to make me feel wanted and loved. I think he could be giving me comments such as, "Your hair looks nice today" or "You look pretty when you smile." That is not asking my husband to lie. I know I am a beautiful woman! I am overweight and am doing something about it but I am still a beautiful, educated woman.

My point is tell my husband on a daily basis that I love him and that he is attractive to me. I don't think that it is too much to ask for him to return that love and affection. Truth is, after getting married, many couples start taking one another for granted and that is unfortunate.

Further, I am not always down on myself. I am not always a "woe is me" person. I am, however, thankful to be able to vent during these times when I am feeling unappreciated, etc.

I really don't think my husband does this on purpose. He is just so "settled" in our relationship that he feels he doesnt have to work on it. (And yes I have communicated all of this to him.)

Again, thanks to all of you who understand and thanks to all of you who don't understand but still took the time to post.

I agree with anglemom on this. Her husband should compliment her, and he shouldn't be lying. Just because someone gains weight doesn't mean they aren't beautiful anymore.

I had to harp on my husband because he used to never compliment me... when I was heavy OR thin. Some men think you should be able to read their minds. I was also guilty of complimenting him all the time --despite his aging, I'll add-- and I did mean it when I said he was still handsome.

Angelmom, you know what I did? I stopped looking for his approval. I also stopped giving him mine, through complimenting him (it took practice). I jumped into 'his' mindset of silence. I focused on myself. I fooled with my hair, my makeup, my clothes. I cooked fresh veggies for myself, went off to exercise, even went back to college for a couple of classes.

Of course, he started to notice. Suddenly I've become 'beautiful' to him again, even though I'm still way off from my goal weight, the self-confidence shines thru. But, it doesn't even matter to me anymore what he thinks. I have to love myself.

Don't get me wrong... I still get in a funk sometimes... I don't always love myself!

Getting started is the hardest part, but so worth it! Are you dieting now? I count calories. I have good days/bad days, but in the long run I know I will be successful. Do you exercise? I hate exercise, and that is something I need to work on.

Hello! Your story could be my story with the exception that my husband is not overweight.I have decided that I need to take care of me in order to take care of them.Just be the best that you can and know that you are beautiful without anyone telling you.We all love to hear compliments but if you have to ask him to say them then they really will mean nothing to you anyway.You are his wife and regardless of how he feels you look he should tell you your beautiful.Beauty is more than what you are on the outside.

:hug:ANGELMOM ~ I think many women can identify with your situation. Every relationship has what some call dry spells now & then. No-one is perfect; some men are more open and express their feelings better than others. I am glad that you KNOW that you are a beautiful woman. A few years ago, I decided to make some changes in my life too, as I was focusing too much on others and not enuff on myself.

At first, I made small changes, but they really made a difference --

1) I started taking time out for myself to read, go walking, sitting in the sun, listening to my favorite music, just enjoy myself more & even resting more.
2) I started eating healthier, focusing on MY favorite foods; even if it costs more, and for the main meals, DH eats what I do.
3) when I need something, I go and get it -- now; I don't wait anymore!
4) I bought myself some new & pretty clothes, pjs, and undies. :o
5) I like pretty things around me, so I started picking up small things that would make my bathroom & bedroom more inviting ie pretty pictures, flowers in vases, new towels, a bright new shower curtain set, etc. etc. etc.
6) then I moved on to the other rooms making small changes over time; a picture here and a throw there.
7)I took some of my savings and bought myself a few things I had always longed for like an MP3 player, some books, some music, and so forth. I asked DH for a digital camera, and he bought me one for Christmas.

A friend of mine passed away early this year; she and I were the exact same age. These are wake-up calls for us. My DH and I went for a drive in the country today; and we do this often now. We made many changes to make our lives better, and we are both happier than ever. We have taken steps to make our dreams come true.

You too can take steps to make your life more enjoyable and vibrant again. Start small; one thing at a time. Sit down and make a list of all the things you would like/love to do, go to, or have around you; and then start doing them and ticking them off one at a time as you can fulfill them. You don't have to spend lots of money -- I go to antique or second-hand shops, yard sales, thrift shops, and dollar stores to look for that one special thing, like the lovely butterfly mobile hanging in my kitchen window (only $2.00 new).

I have already sent up prayers for you that GOD will shed his love & light & joy back into your heart, and mind, and spirit ... so that you can soar like an eagle once again! Yes, you too can do this ... :hug:

Thank you for the comments. Very helpful and appreciated.

I think my post addressed you more than your dh because I wonder if your upset has more to do with your dissatisfaction with yourself than dissatisfaction with him.

Listen, I get the nonappreciative dh. I have one. I have lost 40 pounds and am feeling pretty good. Recently, we went to party and I prompted him to tell me how good I looked and he told me my outfit was hot. So I couldn't let it go. I told him that perhaps I would have felt complimented if he told me I was hot instead of what I was wearing. He got it. (didn't change my disappointment) But, I get your original post's direction. Really I do.

men/mars women/venus or something...

"I have had depression before but have no insurance to see a doctor..."

I wanted to tell you that I don't have insurance either. 2 years ago at my annual Pap, I busted out into tears about how unhappy I was. She prescribed me an anti-depressant. You can go to any of your Dr's. My annual visits are usually around $100. (I always pay out of pocket) Maybe you can save up a little bit to see someone like that. They even have generic anti-depressants that are only like $4 a month. You have to take care of yourself even if it is something you have to save up for. You are worth it.

I'm happy to see that you're using this situation as a motivator. I look forward to future updates!

angelmom..you gotta take care of you my dear..you gotta take care of you! I can feel it in your post. If your husband isn't telling you what you need to hear you get up tomorrow morning, take a hot shower, do your hair and face and tell yourself, "I LOOK PRETTY!" Repeat this again and again, day after day as you start moving and start making healthier choices with your nutrition. You will transfer into a hawttie in no time. As for your depression, do daily fish oil, get some exercise and get some sunshine. Fake it till ya make it. I have to at times.

If you need a change, then give yourself one. Change up the house using stuff you already have, become a vegetarian, do something out of the ordinary and out of your comfort zone. I don't like sittin' around gettin' stale either! I know where you are coming from.

Nothing will make a hubby go "hmmm" like seeing you transform--I reached the point you are at now last Spring and decided nothing and no one would come before me and my nutrition, sleep and exercise....I quit asking my hubby how satisfied he was with me and quit OVERCOMPENSATING in all areas of my life and focused on ME....good luck..let us know how things are going ok?

I love that, Thighs Be Gone.
I think that could apply to nearly any married women at some point in their life.
Thank you for that.

Angelmom, you are NOT alone and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL girlfriend! I know you already know this and I agree with many of the comments, mostly to spend time on yourself. It makes sense that if we have to care for others we should make ourselves an equal priority... it would be hard to care for others if we let ourselves get in poor condition (even self-esteem-wise).

Good advice, ladies... I'm soaking this up too. Thank you all. I said a prayer for all of us. God bless :)

Isn't coming to a safe forum to vent is great! I think it's wonderful that you're helping yourself in this way. We all need a safe way to deal with anger. It keeps us from knocking on depression's door.

I've had times in my life when I couldn't get help with my depression issues and I had to learn to manage my depression without meds. Doing that actually led to me taking care of myself a lot better overall and changing my outlook on myself.

There are factors that affect our emotional well-being that we have to manage for ourselves. Getting adequate sleep is very important. That's 7.5 to 8 hours, and going to bed and getting up at the same time every day. It gets your body's rhythm straight, which includes your appetite and energy levels. Once you hit a groove with that, it really helps your outlook. You probably know how "sane" you feel when you haven't had enough sleep.

Getting outside for a solid dose of sunlight is important. An hour everyday, no sunglasses, rain or shine. Even on cloudy days, enough natural rays come through to make a difference.

Good nutrition is crucial to maintain mental health. There are beneficial fats from avocado, nuts, fatty fish that help brain function. Whole grains feed good moods. Filtered water doesn't have toxins that may cause depression. Fresh fruits and vegetables provide lots of minerals and vitamins for health and well-being.

And finally, consistent exercise gets those endorphins going and are a great way for a quick pick-me-up. Exercise begets energy, which will only fuel you feeling good about yourself.

Feeling good about yourself doesn't just happen. Make a choice, everyday, to do something that helps you feel better about who you are. Self-image and body-image are two different things. Don't confuse them. If you look in the mirror and don't like what you're looking at, fine. That's just your body, and you are taking steps to do something about it. And since you are taking steps to do something about it, then you can feel good about who you are, making a good choice and taking solid action to care for yourself.

I'm sorry your foot isn't cooperating with your efforts right now. I know how that feels. I've got uncooperative knees and a shoulder. I've had to be flexible and creative in order to find effective exercise. These days, I am sitting on a Fitball while working at my desk, and I bounce on that thing every night while watching TV. It fully supports my weight, it helps me to strengthen my quadraceps, lower back, glutes and abs. I can use my dumbbells with it too. I burn 600 to 1000 calories a day on that thing! And the bouncing does one more thing for me...it helps drain the lymphatic system to discharge toxins that can cause stress.

So, feel free to keep venting, as needed. But I also want to hear what you're doing to help yourself, and I want to hear about your good days too! 'Cause you're awesome, Angel!!!

Georgia

Thanks again to all the posters. You are all great. I am sitting here at 3:20 am in the morning and reading Georgia's post about getting into a routine (sleep) and going to bed and getting up at the same time. I AM GONNA TAKE THAT ADVICE and try it tomorrow. Since I am jobless right now, the most "honest" time I seem to have with myself is late at night after kids are in bed. However, I am gonna try to get on a more regular sleep schedule.

As for the suggestion about getting on an anti-depressant. I think I will bring it up to my doc. I am planning on going even though I don't have insurance at the moment.

Speaking of doctors, I went to the podiatrist TODAY. I forked up the office visit because I know I needed to find out what exactly is wrong with my foot so I can get it healed in order to adequately exercise. I was soooo relieved to hear that it is not a permanent injury. I pulled a tendon pretty good on the bottom (plantar fasciitis?) but I am not at the point of having a heel spur, because this was an injury from one particular activity I did and not from on-going exercise. So, basically I have to wear my good walking shoes with arch supports every time I am on my feet, even to get up and go to the bathroom at night. Doc said after about 6 weeks it should be completely healed. I was so afraid of a permanent injury! Praise God it was not!

Anyway, I also want to point out that I am not here to bash my husband (at least not on a regular basis!) He really is one of the better picks out of all the buttholes out there.

The main thing is (as some of you have said), I need to work on my own self-image and body-image. I am gonna get to the point where I am so hot, my husband will either have to be friggin blind or dead not to be all over me! :)

You know the funny thing is that when I was younger I would make fun of girls (secretly) who had the "I am so hot attitude..." but, heck, that is a better attitude to have than the "man I'm a fat cow" attitude! :)

Anglemom

Your story is my story to the T.

I also feel that some of the responses you got were a little ruff :(
I think some folks might need to go back and look at what category they are in "weight loss and DEPRESSION".

I wish you had insurance so you could go to a therapist. I am seeing one and it has changed my life( I'm also on a mild mood enhancer).
I agree with what Twilight said about not giving out the compliments to the hubby if he's not going to give them to you. You know what they say "if you can't beat em join em!"

The thing that kills me is that I know there are men out there that have loved their wives through "thick and thin!!!"HA HA, Always giving compliments no matter what there wives looked like because basically they just love them.

I hate feeling that my husband just stays with me because he's doing the honorable thing and because its cheaper to stay married than to get a divorce!!

Anyway things have gotten better since I decided i can't worry about what he thinks. I have lost weight and am feeling better about myself. Get this.. I'm am 90lbs lighter than my heaviest weight ever and the only time he acknowledged it was when I asked him point blank if he even noticed I lost weight! He mumbled "yea i noticed" no " yea gee your looking pretty good" or nothing. Like I said "I DON'T CARE HUBBY, YOUR AN IDIOT"

If your interested Anglemom contact me through the private post and I can tell you what my therapist has done for me. I think if I can help you at all It would also help me. Its just nice to have someone to talk to that gets it!!

Hi Angelmom, just wanted to pitch in here. I've battled with depression for years, and when I'm depressed I eat, then feel more depressed about how fat I am. Lucky for me I have a pretty good husband, but if you don't feel good about the way you look and someone says you look great, then it's easy to think they are lying anyway. On the other hand, I have a mom who is somewhat chunky, but thinner than me and she really gives me a hard time about how she is more attractive than me, can wear nicer clothes etc etc...
Anyway, 3 years ago I decided to stop dieting, get used to being fat and get on with making my life better. I STOPPED going to the gym and started going for walks in beautiful places. I didn't gain weight and I stopped feeling guilty that I wasn't getting in enough gym time. I started working one day less a week, which made sense to me because I meant I now get a proper weekend rather than a housework break. I do all the house stuff and things that would nag at me in one day (not just housework!) and I can tell myself that I am now doing work in work time rather than in my time. After years of working and breaking my neck to be there for my kids too I decided I'd earned it and that if my husband was that bothered he could apply for a better paid job.
I work hard on sleeping, insomnia is my big depression trigger. The walking helps, now I have something pretty to think about while I try to sleep.
And I started asking for help and expecting to be given it. I bet that like me you are there for your friends, kids, husband, family giving giving all the time. I was shocked when I started asking for something back. I lost what I thought was a good friendship and realised that I knew a few people who really did have time to help me out and didn't mind doing it.
So, small changes leading to bigger changes leading to huge ones. We now have a totally different life, and I'm not exaggerating. My husband is much prouder of me for being decisive and confident about my life and we get on better.I threw away my scales....and when I weighed myself after 6 months I was actually lighter! I am happier than I have ever been in my life. So, I am dieting again and this time it seems easier because I know that even if I fail I'm still O.K. Yes, I'm fat. I had 2 fat grandmothers and a fat mother, if I was a dog I'd be a Labrador rather than a greyhound and that's fine. If someone else has a problem with it, fine. I'm going to try and lose some weight because I really enjoy life now and want to live until I'm 100.
So, Angelmom, I will pass on to you the bit of advice that made me stop and think. I believe it's something the Dali Lama said. BE NICE TO EVERYONE, STARTING WITH YOURSELF.
You are a human. That alone justifies treating yourself with respect. You have been hurt and unhappy, you deserve to feel better. Good luck with your life, I want you to be happy, I don't care how fat you are but I do care how sad you are.

Farawayshore-Well said.What a kind and profound post.Those of us who live with depression can surely learn from your words.

What beautiful, inspiring responses you've gotten! I, too, am soaking it up :)

Wishing all of us nothing but the best!

I would suggest that you go and google marriage builders. There is lots of good information on the website for marriages!

I hope that you are feeling better! I'm glad to hear you are doing what you need to in order to take care of yourself!! Best of luck!!

Hi,

I think we all have a little of the hubby that eats all of his dinner without compliment, or walks around with blinkers on. At the end of the day, though, for them to see the good or lovely in you, you must feel the lovely in yourself.

Take some time out for yourself. Make yourself the focus of that time. I'll set some time aside in the day to go walking with my dog. Sometimes my daughter comes with me but mostly it's just Meg and I. If you have a favourite author, take some time out with a good book. I'm waiting for Diana Gabaldon's next one to be released. Her writing is amazing.

The thing is, you have to love yourself - even if it's only a tiny bit. A seed will grow. If you feel you have made progress with your weight (and you have) treat yourself to a calorie free reward. My next one is an Ipod. Have always wanted one and when I get to 130kg, it will be mine. A day out with the girls can make a ton of difference too.

As for not being on hubby's insurance, if his the sole provider for the family, then it's good sense to have you covered. What happens if you are in an accident or get sick. It will be more expensive then. I take it the kids are covered by insurance?

Be happy in yourself

WOW I think every story here touches home..I truly do. If anyone here needs to chat please im here. Angelmom im here for you.

Well, it seems that no matter how unhappy you are, you need him for the moment as he is a good provider, and you do not have a means of support. Obviously you ought to find a job to try to become less dependent. I just found a job after 1 year of unemployment. I was driven to near homelessness, so it is tough out there. Don't lose weight for him, lose it for you. Sorry to any men who happen to be on the board, but men are very visual, and they often have very set ideas about what a "sexy" woman looks like, and that is usually based on porn films or popular actresses. Men also think that they are always "perfect" looking while other people are "ugly."

Obviously at one time you loved him, or you would not have gotten married (pardon me for not knowing your exact circumstances). So, possibly a marriage councellor? It is awful hard dragging your perfect husband somewhere where he might find he has flaws-- aka, intolerance, and conditional love. If you belong to a church, possibly try to get into one of those married people's spiritual retreats or something-- If nothing else try to hook him into going somewhere with you with a shared interest, from drag racing to modle airplane building, there has to be something you can do together-- voulenteer work at a greyhound rescue? Helping plant and grow food at a neighborhood garden? There are lots of free things a couple can do together. This might perk up your marriage.

I know how you feel being overweight takes its toll on your self esteem. I am also battling with esteem issues. I am in counseling now, and it is helping me. I know you said his insurance wont cover it for you, but maybe you can find a local support group that would also help boost your self image.